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Discussion Starter #1
Okay, ISFJs, I need your help.

Long story short, a couple nights ago, my mom started telling embarrassing stories about me (several of which aren't true and all of which she knows bother me) and no matter how much I asked her to stop, she wouldn't let up. I lost my temper and called her a bitch. I tried to apologize the next morning, but she didn't accept, and she hasn't spoken to me since.

My apology was sincere and was simply "I'm sorry for what I said." I didn't try to justify my actions or even acknowledge the things that provoked me. At this point, all I can assume is that she wants to be mad at me and feel sorry for herself.

Anything I should do?


@Laney @teddy564339 I may need you guys on this one.
 

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Find out whatever it was that set her off on this tangent. You might have to use a lot of humility and flattery to wiggle it out of her but there should be some reason she's doing this. Even if it is all in her head, you can atleast address her feelings and hopefully she will stop.

Unless you think that she's being intentionally nasty, then Id leave things as they are. Maybe say something along the lines of I'm sorry I called you that name, but as my mother I expect you to protect and love me and I want you to stop spreading these lies.
 

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My dad (ENTJ) also says all kinds of embarrassing things about me when we get together, and it drives me insane. I've always been able to keep myself under control and not respond with anger in the moment, but I've wanted to.


In her case...I think all you can really do is wait it out. Eventually she'll come around and want to talk to you again.



My guess is that to her, telling these kinds of stories about you is a weird way of showing love...I know that's why my dad does it, even though I can't stand it and it hurts me more than makes me feel loved. But if I had to guess, she probably felt like this was a way of expressing how she loves you, and she probably felt like you were rejecting it. So she might feel like you don't care that she loves you, and that may be why she feels so bitter and has shut herself off.


At this point, there's nothing else you can do...you've done all you can to try to get things going again, and if she's not going to listen, then I think you just have to wait it out until she is willing to listen.



But when you finally do get the conversation going, I think it would be best to emphasize that when she does this that it actually hurts you, no matter what her intentions are. I think if she understands that even if she means for this to be a good thing, if it actually hurts you then it's a problem. That explains why you reacted so negatively to it...you didn't mean to hurt her, but when you felt hurt, it was your natural reaction.


If she truly understands and relates to that, hopefully it will help her to forgive you. If she's so determined to tell these stories that she doesn't care how it makes you feel, then I really would have to say that she's unhealthy and there's not much more you can do about it. If her Si is making her so deeply attached to her own desires of telling these stories that it's keeping her Fe from understanding your feelings, then she's beyond the point where I think she can be reasoned with.
 

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I lost my temper and called her a bitch. I tried to apologize the next morning, but she didn't accept, and she hasn't spoken to me since.

I assume is that she wants to be mad at me and feel sorry for herself.

Anything I should do?
ok heres the deal. you should actually feel sad instead of being arrogant and assuming shes feeling sorry for herself. you should be punished, which it seems like shes not doing. I dont know your age, but its very important to many ISFJs to respect people in authority. Shes your mom, thats the most authoritative position besides one of say law enforcement. You not only disrespected her but also used a curse word that she wouldnt want you to use, much less use on her. So even though you half assed an apology (likely due to your own sense of pride and your believing that she did you wrong so it somehow should be justified) it doesnt mean she will ever forget this or forgive you quickly. You likely also humiliated her in front of whomever she was telling the story to. Shes not feeling sorry for herself or wallowing, shes actually feeling hurt. Should she apologize that she embarassed you? probably. My suggestion is to put pride and justification aside. Go talk to her. Say something like "I know youre mad about what i said, i didnt mean to embarrass or hurt you, i was just really mad that you told everyone about that. Those stories are really embarassing to me (expect her to try and justify using them here) ok, but can you please not tell them anymore?".
 

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ok heres the deal. you should actually feel sad instead of being arrogant and assuming shes feeling sorry for herself.
I know her well enough to know when that's what she's doing. She is, after all, my mother.

you should be punished, which it seems like shes not doing.
She did.

So even though you half assed an apology (likely due to your own sense of pride and your believing that she did you wrong so it somehow should be justified)
I didn't half ass the apology.

it doesnt mean she will ever forget this or forgive you quickly.
She finally got over it 4 hours ago.

My suggestion is to put pride and justification aside.
I did. I wasn't justifying anything. All I did was include what I thought were crucial details to the story. Otherwise, it would've just sounded like, "I called my mom a bitch, and she's mad." Well, duh. I also acknowledged that I had overreacted and was in the wrong.

Thanks for trying to help, though. I can tell you mean well.
 

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ok heres the deal. you should actually feel sad instead of being arrogant and assuming shes feeling sorry for herself. you should be punished, which it seems like shes not doing. I dont know your age, but its very important to many ISFJs to respect people in authority. Shes your mom, thats the most authoritative position besides one of say law enforcement. You not only disrespected her but also used a curse word that she wouldnt want you to use, much less use on her. So even though you half assed an apology (likely due to your own sense of pride and your believing that she did you wrong so it somehow should be justified) it doesnt mean she will ever forget this or forgive you quickly. You likely also humiliated her in front of whomever she was telling the story to. Shes not feeling sorry for herself or wallowing, shes actually feeling hurt. Should she apologize that she embarassed you? probably. My suggestion is to put pride and justification aside. Go talk to her. Say something like "I know youre mad about what i said, i didnt mean to embarrass or hurt you, i was just really mad that you told everyone about that. Those stories are really embarassing to me (expect her to try and justify using them here) ok, but can you please not tell them anymore?".
Woah, this is a bit harsh. Respect has to be earned and if the mother is telling these embarrassing stories and disrespecting the child then no she certainly doesn't deserve respect. Respect isn't a thing that happens just because you're in a certain role; it's something you earn through your behaviour in that role. The mother kept telling the stories no matter how much she was asked to stop. That's not behaviour that deserves respect. Now, was it an appropriate thing to say to her mother? No of course not, but she has tried to apologise. Also, the apology the next morning doesn't sound 'half-arsed' - it sounds sincere. Half-arsed would be 'I'm sorry if you were offended but ...' I hear these apologies all the time (they are characterised on the internet as 'fauxpologies' because of all the qualifiers), and the simple 'I'm sorry for what I said' is really good. It acknowledges the wrong doing and doesn't attempt to justify them.

The rest of your advice about how to deal with this in the future is good and pretty much what I would have said.
 

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Woah, this is a bit harsh. Respect has to be earned and if the mother is telling these embarrassing stories and disrespecting the child then no she certainly doesn't deserve respect. Respect isn't a thing that happens just because you're in a certain role; it's something you earn through your behaviour in that role. The mother kept telling the stories no matter how much she was asked to stop. That's not behaviour that deserves respect. Now, was it an appropriate thing to say to her mother? No of course not, but she has tried to apologise. Also, the apology the next morning doesn't sound 'half-arsed' - it sounds sincere. Half-arsed would be 'I'm sorry if you were offended but ...' I hear these apologies all the time (they are characterised on the internet as 'fauxpologies' because of all the qualifiers), and the simple 'I'm sorry for what I said' is really good. It acknowledges the wrong doing and doesn't attempt to justify them.

The rest of your advice about how to deal with this in the future is good and pretty much what I would have said.
i disagree that a mother must earn their childs respect. To be honest it should be a given unless perhaps the mother were to do something completely irresponsible or dangerous. No matter how mad i was at my mom there is no way i would ever call her that and i find it inappropriate to even curse around my parents. Perhaps it was just the way i was raised.
 

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i disagree that a mother must earn their childs respect. To be honest it should be a given unless perhaps the mother were to do something completely irresponsible or dangerous. No matter how mad i was at my mom there is no way i would ever call her that and i find it inappropriate to even curse around my parents. Perhaps it was just the way i was raised.
In general I agree, but that mother repeatedly did something that was clearly hurtful and upsetting to her child and eventually that child lost her temper. It happens and I doubt she totally disrespects her mother. She's concerned enough about the situation to try to find some solutions, so I don't think she's the disrespectful child you're painting her as. As you point out, we don't know how old she is, all we have are the facts of the situation, and the facts as we have them are - the mother did something that was clearly very upsetting for the daughter; the daughter, after a period of time, lost her temper and said something regrettable; the daughter then attempted to apologise but the mother is (childishly in my opinion) 'giving silent treatment' and consequently the daughter is here trying to find some solution. She doesn't need a lecture from us on how to respect her mother - she obviously cares enough to be asking the question - what she needs is constructive help.
 

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In general I agree, but that mother repeatedly did something that was clearly hurtful and upsetting to her child and eventually that child lost her temper. It happens and I doubt she totally disrespects her mother. She's concerned enough about the situation to try to find some solutions, so I don't think she's the disrespectful child you're painting her as. As you point out, we don't know how old she is, all we have are the facts of the situation, and the facts as we have them are - the mother did something that was clearly very upsetting for the daughter; the daughter, after a period of time, lost her temper and said something regrettable; the daughter then attempted to apologise but the mother is (childishly in my opinion) 'giving silent treatment' and consequently the daughter is here trying to find some solution. She doesn't need a lecture from us on how to respect her mother - she obviously cares enough to be asking the question - what she needs is constructive help.
i have a strong sense of empathy and it irks me that he/she would say that shes feeling sorry for herself. Its very condescending. Her kid called her a bitch, i mean how are you NOT going to feel hurt by that? Its easy to complain that she embarassed you, but to be honest there are alot of ways that could be considered harmless by the mother, or even cute. "Oh that reminds me of when Timmy took off his diaper and ran around the house naked" sure that could be embarassing, but it could also be just a cute story to her that the child is overreacting about. Regardless its never ok to call a parent a curse word.
 

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i have a strong sense of empathy and it irks me that he/she would say that shes feeling sorry for herself. Its very condescending. Her kid called her a bitch, i mean how are you NOT going to feel hurt by that? Its easy to complain that she embarassed you, but to be honest there are alot of ways that could be considered harmless by the mother, or even cute. "Oh that reminds me of when Timmy took off his diaper and ran around the house naked" sure that could be embarassing, but it could also be just a cute story to her that the child is overreacting about. Regardless its never ok to call a parent a curse word.

If the description in the OP was accurate, then I don't think this is simply a case of a mother telling cute stories. While I don't condone the idea of LawyersAdvocate cursing at her mom, it's clear that LawyersAdvocate doesn't either..that's why she apologized.


First off, if the mother is telling stories that aren't even true, that really bothers me, because she shouldn't have any reason to lie...one thing I can't stand is people telling lies about others, even if it's small. Secondly, it's not like LawyersAdvocate cussed at her mom after one little thing...she said she asked her mom to stop it, and it sounds like she did multiple times.


So basically, I'm not willing to absolve the mother of all blame in this case. Being a mother and being an ISFJ doesn't excuse someone to do that.


Obviously we're only hearing one side of the story. But I think that's why no one can be very one-sided about either side...we can't say that it's all LawyersAdvocate's fault, or that it's all her mom's fault.

However, it sounds like LaywersAdvocate is willing to accept her blame that she made a mistake, and it sounds like her mom is not. That's what bothers me.




I will say that when I made my last post, I was assuming that LawyersAdvocate was an adult living on her own and that this happened at some small social gathering. I do agree that the situation is stickier if LawyersAdvocate is still living with her mom and relying on her for financial support.

IMO, I do think that when one is still relying on their parents, they should give their parents more slack, because the parent is already doing a lot for them.



Honestly, I think the whole situation is about balance, like any sort of relationship. Both sides need to make an effort to understand one another, admit mistakes, and be willing to try to positively improve things in the future. If her mom isn't doing that, I see it as a problem, and being hurt is no excuse for not making that positive effort.
 

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Regardless its never ok to call a parent a curse word.
You're really hung up on the cursing thing. I see your point, it's disrespectful, etcetera, etcetera...I've already admitted to overreacting and responding inappropriately, especially considering that we're talking about a parent here.

And since I have taken responsibility for what I've done wrong, it seems like the profanity part is what's really getting to you. I can't really judge you for being sensitive to profanity, but in the spirit of to-each-his-own: I curse sometimes. I'm in my twenties. Get over it.
 

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My mother is an ISFJ and I have often said things that make her stop talking to me for a period of time. I suppose she wants to see a show of emotion in my apology, but that's just not me so I have to wait for her to stop being bothered by what I said. You apologized for what you said and I assume she hasn't apologized to you for what she did, so I would say there's nothing left for you to do. Eventually, your mother will have to get over it.
 
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