[KeroPanda]

This probably isn't really related to type that much in reality, but I'd like some advice on how to broach the matter I guess. My girlfriend isn't much of a texter. She doesn't really call either.

Anyhow I usually interact with her through skype. But since it's exam period, I decided to cut back on the long 3+ hour conversations by not logging on. She knows that too. So we've been texting every now and then to keep in contact.

Last night I felt stressed out from all the work. So I dropped her a text about how unprepared I was. I guess I was looking for some words of encouragement or support but it's been more than 24 hours and I haven't really gotten any text message back. This isn't anything new though. It's random in when I'd get a reply, sometimes it's be within hours. Other times it'd be 2-3 days later (Amusing that there's another thread about ISFPs and texting).

I decided just a while ago to give her a phone call, but I just got the voice message instead. She often doesn't have her phone on her, so I've gotten used to the fact that it she probably won't pick up. In fact, I'm extremely surprised and taken aback when she does. It's that rare I guess?

But onto the main point. Despite having missed my calls, my girlfriend doesn't ever seem to return these missed phone calls. Sometimes she'll apologise through text for not receiving my calls. Other times, I won't hear anything from her for a few days and it's as if I never actually called her.

It's a bit confusing? I'm just wondering whether it's something I should bring up with her (I probably should) but how to approach the topic? I don't want to seem like I complaining again about her not really calling or texting back. We're totally different in our needs for communication.

 

[TheMadSwede]

I do the same thing. I'm Intermittent about answering my phone and responding to texts. I answer the phone when I feel like it. Leave a message, maybe I'll call or maybe I won't.

I've been on a few dates with a girl and we had made plans earlier this week to go hiking. She texted me and asked if Tuesday at 4:30 was a good time. I looked at the message and decided to respond two days later. She said: "I was wondering what was up", which was actually a bit irritating, because I informed her on Friday, four days before the engagement that the time worked for me. I like to do things with people and I like hanging out with this girl, but I can't stand getting messaged constantly or getting called "just to talk", it's a big turn off.
I can see how she might want an immediate response, but I just didn't feel like texting at that moment in time and the response got delayed. So, I did what I normally do and said: "sorry, I misplaced my phone."


I don't really know where I'm going with this anecdote, I'm just one ISFP and I can't speak for everybody, but maybe it gives you some insight. I don't know though, maybe it is just me.

 

[goodgracesbadinfluence]

I am nowhere near an ISFP but some people just don't respond to calls.

 

[Leeoflittlefaith]

I am nowhere near an ISFP but some people just don't respond to calls.

Oddly enough it's my INTP friend who's infamously bad about responding via phone! He hates the things.

As an ISFP I'd be tempted to look at this matter as a small, unimportant thing. Ask her if she'll do it 'for you'? Mention that it's only because you care about her and that you would find it reassuring? If you make a point that it would mean a lot to you she may give in.

 

[Splash Shin]

Sounds like she just dislikes using the phone. I'm the same, i don't always return calls because I do not enjoy phone calls. Voice chatting via Skype, however, is completely different, and i love it.

Possibily because when i log into skype i'm in that mood to be really chatty or what have you. Phone calls are all random and intruding. if i'm not in that social mode than i'm not going to return it. It is not a good habit, I realise this. It gets on a lot of peoples nerves.

It's just like.. now i have to drop what i am doing and put all this effort into a conversation, when i was really happy doing whatever i was doing.... Which means it's going to be half arsed on my part and i wont seem interested, un less of course, you catch my interest. I emphasize that it's nothing personal.

Bring it up matter of factually but not trying to put her in negative light. You can try but i think it is just one of those things that never really changes much.

 

[Benja]

Don't try to control us so much, we live the way we live for a reason.

 

[Kat91]

I'm quite bad at phone communication myself. I never pick up if I don't recognise the number or if I'm not in the mood to talk. I don't often reply to texts right away, I read them and then leave them to reply later but more often than not I forget and end up replying a day or so after or never at all lol

With voicemails, well let's just say it's pointless for anyone to leave me one lol I never listen to those things...ever. And if I do I don't usually call back, mainly be cause I check them 3 times a year and it's been months by then so no point calling back lolol

My phone is also constantly off or dying...

You should definitely bring it up to her, just casually you know?

 

[Wendixy]

I'm fine with phone conversations as long as they are light-hearted. However, she's taking a break from you (did I remember this right?), so she probably does not like picking it up as much. This is from my personal experience. You already saw my thread about this problem. I'm fine with picking up phones from everyone except my ex. I get negative feedback from his calls.

Also... that 3+ hour-long conversation... Does it drain her? Does she like the length of that conversation? I know my ex's 3 hour-long talk drained the living soul out of me. I'm not so sure about you.

 

[KeroPanda]

I'm not much of a phone person myself either since it's usually kind of awkward to think of topics to discuss; so I can empathise somewhat. It's just that this is my girlfriend so I like talking to her and hearing her voice. With other people? Forget it.

but I can't stand getting messaged constantly or getting called "just to talk", it's a big turn off.
I can see how she might want an immediate response, but I just didn't feel like texting at that moment in time and the response got delayed. So, I did what I normally do and said: "sorry, I misplaced my phone."


I don't really know where I'm going with this anecdote, I'm just one ISFP and I can't speak for everybody, but maybe it gives you some insight. I don't know though, maybe it is just me.

Not at all. All insights are welcome.

"Sorry I was downstairs when you called"
"Sorry I was going to reply, but then forgot when I got distracted by X"
"Sorry I don't really check my phone much"

Those are pretty common replies. Thankfully, I don't think she'd intentionally make up an excuse about how she misplaced her phone, but I can see her not feeling like replying straight away. She replies when she wants to.

As an ISFP I'd be tempted to look at this matter as a small, unimportant thing. Ask her if she'll do it 'for you'? Mention that it's only because you care about her and that you would find it reassuring? If you make a point that it would mean a lot to you she may give in.

I do get that impression that it's not really much of a big deal, and acknowledge in the grand scheme of things. It's a very minor thing. You're right about needing to ask her to do things because it'd be nice to, although sometimes I feel like I'm being way too subtle when I use words like "If it's okay with you. It'd be really nice to get XYZ" and then I end up using more negative terms "I feel hurt by lack of XYZ" which just basically ends up putting an emotional barrier between us.

Bring it up matter of factually but not trying to put her in negative light. You can try but i think it is just one of those things that never really changes much.

Yeah. The whole negative light thing is a big thing. She really doesn't like negative things. I screwed up by expressing my negative feelings about the phone and other stuff...

Don't try to control us so much, we live the way we live for a reason.

Kind of applies both ways really.
Not really possible to have a relationship without compromise.

 

[KeroPanda]

I don't often reply to texts right away, I read them and then leave them to reply later but more often than not I forget and end up replying a day or so after or never at all lol

Haha. Yeah that's pretty much what usually happens.

I'm fine with phone conversations as long as they are light-hearted. However, she's taking a break from you (did I remember this right?), so she probably does not like picking it up as much. This is from my personal experience. You already saw my thread about this problem. I'm fine with picking up phones from everyone except my ex. I get negative feedback from his calls.

Also... that 3+ hour-long conversation... Does it drain her? Does she like the length of that conversation? I know my ex's 3 hour-long talk drained the living soul out of me. I'm not so sure about you.

That was a while back. We stopped the break thing. The only situation now is that I'm technically in my exam period so I haven't been talking on skype like we used to.

Sigh. I even remember talking about the whole negative feedback thing as well. Utterly useless that I can't apply my own advice to myself during critical moments.

She doesn't really mind the long conversations on skype as she's got the freedom to do other stuff on the internet while chatting. Unlike the phone, she can not talk for several minutes and it'd be fine. It's a bit like just sitting around someone you like hanging out with and chatting to them every now and then, except over an extended period of time.

Negative conversations are a totally different issue though. The stuff we normally talk about is pretty casual. If I do go all emo on her, she's pretty much speechless in response. I don't do it a lot, but probably a bit too much for my own taste (once or twice per month - since we're in a LDR as well).

 

[Splash Shin]

Just had a good idea for you. Try to arrange phone calls. So like drop her a text saying that you will call her in an hour for a chat or whatever. This gives her some time to prepare and get in the mood for a phone call.

It would increase the odds of me picking up tenfold.

 

[KeroPanda]

Just had a good idea for you. Try to arrange phone calls. So like drop her a text saying that you will call her in an hour for a chat or whatever. This gives her some time to prepare and get in the mood for a phone call.

It would increase the odds of me picking up tenfold.

I like the idea.

Just one thing. Would you not feel constricted if someone did this to you? "I will call at X"
It's like a forced phone call (Then again, it's no different to called randomly I guess).

 

[Splash Shin]

I like the idea.

Just one thing. Would you not feel constricted if someone did this to you? "I will call at X"
It's like a forced phone call (Then again, it's no different to called randomly I guess).

admittedly yes, it is a bit constrictive, but at the same time it gives me valuable time to ready myself and get in to mood for a phone call. The longer you give her before the call the better.

sometimes to me a random phone call is as good as someone bursting through the door when you are all relaxed. Now, if you were told that someone would burst through the door in exactly 3 minutes time, it's not going to have much affect.

With phone calls its not really that bad, but if it were a friend of mine telling me they would come round my house randomly in a hour, that is another story and they would lose brownie points for sure.

 

[Wendixy]

That was a while back. We stopped the break thing. The only situation now is that I'm technically in my exam period so I haven't been talking on skype like we used to.

Sigh. I even remember talking about the whole negative feedback thing as well. Utterly useless that I can't apply my own advice to myself during critical moments.

She doesn't really mind the long conversations on skype as she's got the freedom to do other stuff on the internet while chatting. Unlike the phone, she can not talk for several minutes and it'd be fine. It's a bit like just sitting around someone you like hanging out with and chatting to them every now and then, except over an extended period of time.

Negative conversations are a totally different issue though. The stuff we normally talk about is pretty casual. If I do go all emo on her, she's pretty much speechless in response. I don't do it a lot, but probably a bit too much for my own taste (once or twice per month - since we're in a LDR as well).

Skype call or just type-and-chat? My ex gets irked if I become silent or engaged in doing something. "Wendy, you are so hard to talk to." Ironically, he does the same thing when he's engaged in an activity online. He calls that "copying me."

Do you expect her to respond if you go emo on her? What type of responses are you expecting? (encouragement?)

 

[LotusBlossom]

Not to unnecessarily alarm you or anything, but if I start acting like that, it means the relationship is in trouble. Like, as in, I'm thinking of breaking off with you but not sure if I should/not sure quite how to bring it up/thinking of how to bring it up.

 

[Stephen]

Anyhow I usually interact with her through skype. But since it's exam period, I decided to cut back on the long 3+ hour conversations by not logging on. She knows that too. So we've been texting every now and then to keep in contact.

I'm concerned about this. I would feel like I was cutting off contact with my girlfriend if I did this, and I think it would hurt her feelings. I would also be miserable from the lack of contact. In your position, I'd now be worried that she thought I didn't care to give her attention.

Everyone's different of course. This is just how it would be in my relationship.

In your position, I would call her immediately, talk to her about what you're feeling, and ask her how she's feeling.

 

[firedell]

I sometimes hate taking calls, especially when I want a day to myself. But I wouldn't be so ignorant to not talk or text a boyfriend, or friend who needed me.

Like @Kayness mentioned, if I am acting like this I don't want this relationship any more. I keep in contact with my boyfriend (when I have one) pretty much everyday, even if it's just to say "How is your day?".

If i'm in a relationship, I am invested in giving them my time, even if I am busy. I take maybe a few me days, once a month but nothing like you have mentioned.

 

[Kito]

Maybe she just doesn't feel like replying sometimes? I know that I'll often just ignore texts because I either don't feel like talking or don't want to bother thinking of what to reply with. Calls are even worse, whenever the phone rings I know I'm going to get caught up in a long conversation that isn't easy to get out of. So it's often easier to just leave it and explain you were busy at the time, then actually talk in person later (which I've always found easier than phone calls).

 

[KeroPanda]

Skype call or just type-and-chat? My ex gets irked if I become silent or engaged in doing something. "Wendy, you are so hard to talk to." Ironically, he does the same thing when he's engaged in an activity online. He calls that "copying me."

Do you expect her to respond if you go emo on her? What type of responses are you expecting? (encouragement?)

Both. Each one has their pro's and cons. I'm less likely to get a reply back quickly when typing if she's engaged in something else, so I like skype conversations in that sense. At the same time, she gets annoyed with me when she feels like I didn't listen to what she said, when it's a case that I momentarily zone out or couldn't hear properly.

The only times I've been truly bothered with her disappearing off me during skype conversations is when she's gone for like 10+ minutes without letting me know, so I'm talking at thin air. I try my best to inform her when I'm off to do something though "brb 10 minutes". I think as long as I know she's on the other side listening and engaged in the conversation I'm cool.

What I've learnt about my girlfriend having been with her for so long is that she's hyper focused in what she's engaged in. Guess I've probably grown accustomed to not receiving back immediate replies in that sense if I know she's doing something else (playing an online game). So I'll go and play the game myself while chilling out.

How silent is silent?
I can understand that feeling. It only occurs if I want someone to be focused only on the conversation though. I don't really expect that from my girlfriend since I know she's doing other stuff as well. Granted, hyper focused conversations are always fun to have. I have this conversation with her in only specific scenarios where we're both not doing anything at all (which can be pretty rare) since well she's a person that likes to do things rather than analyse stuff for fun.

As for what I expect from her during emo-phases? I don't really know.
Guess when I do engage in emo situations, I want to see how she feels about what I'm talking about. Yet I've kind of accepted that I'm more likely to get nothing back in response. In that sense, it's just pent-up feelings being externalized because of how I'm feeling. I apologise to how I hurt her after these comments, but lately I've been thinking these words of sorry are redundant if they keep repeating themselves. I guess at this stage, I'd probably be wanting re-assurance from her that she still wants to be with me despite these mini-emotional explosions, especially as I tend to direct all negativity onto myself about how I shouldn't constantly be hurting her, the potential incompatibilities that cause these issues and so forth.

But, I've pretty much been told by my ISFP that I need to improve my self-esteem. I don't know whether your ISFJ has esteem issues. It'll look different in that sense.

 

[KeroPanda]

Not to unnecessarily alarm you or anything, but if I start acting like that, it means the relationship is in trouble. Like, as in, I'm thinking of breaking off with you but not sure if I should/not sure quite how to bring it up/thinking of how to bring it up.

Which part?

I'm concerned about this. I would feel like I was cutting off contact with my girlfriend if I did this, and I think it would hurt her feelings. I would also be miserable from the lack of contact. In your position, I'd now be worried that she thought I didn't care to give her attention.

Everyone's different of course. This is just how it would be in my relationship.

In your position, I would call her immediately, talk to her about what you're feeling, and ask her how she's feeling.

Yeah... it's been really really difficult. I don't really talk much to my other friends so I've pretty much isolated myself from social contact.

Sitting in the room trying to revise. Nope. Not happening. I feel much better now that I'm in the university library and surrounded by people even though I'm not interacting.

I did think about how she might have felt about the whole thing. But I think from her perspective, it's a wise thing to do since we do spend a lot of time talking on-line (basically whenever we catch each other on-line).