My ISTJ Boyfriend and dating sites
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Wanting some advice from other ISTJs. I have been in a long distance relationship with my ISTJ for about 2 years. We we see each other we get on great, sure a few heated "debates" and our sex life is very healthy.
I recently visited and we are really long distance, so I was looking forward to it.
I was on his computer checking my emails and I saw links to an adult dating site - nude pictures etc.
I confronted him and he said that he only does it for entertainment and has never contacted these girls. Apparenly emails get sent from the site to his email address and he looks at them. He has a profile and he told me he didn't have a picture up though.
He said he has been doing it for years and it is nothing, and he only looks at it occasionally. I was understandably confused and upset.
He said he would stop. But it has really shaken my trust - which is a major requirement of a long distance relationship.
Anyway would like to hear from other ISTJs on their thoughts - is this something you would do for just entertainment? And if he said he would stop - would he be telling the truth.
Thanks
I recently visited and we are really long distance, so I was looking forward to it.
I was on his computer checking my emails and I saw links to an adult dating site - nude pictures etc.
I confronted him and he said that he only does it for entertainment and has never contacted these girls. Apparenly emails get sent from the site to his email address and he looks at them. He has a profile and he told me he didn't have a picture up though.
He said he has been doing it for years and it is nothing, and he only looks at it occasionally. I was understandably confused and upset.
He said he would stop. But it has really shaken my trust - which is a major requirement of a long distance relationship.
Anyway would like to hear from other ISTJs on their thoughts - is this something you would do for just entertainment? And if he said he would stop - would he be telling the truth.
Thanks
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While I can't (and won't) speak for anyone else here, a relationship is a relationship. Nevermind the fact that it's a LDR.
Having said that, if he's not deleting the email messages as spam then he's keeping his options open.
Although having said THAT, sometimes we do things that upset other people without knowing it or understanding why it's important to them that we don't do it. IOW, people have to point things out to us that they think is important. If we value the relationship, we will then change our behaviors/actions and move that particular item "up" on the priority list.
... and just for the record: No, I would not do that for entertainment when a relationship was at stake. HTH
Having said that, if he's not deleting the email messages as spam then he's keeping his options open.
Although having said THAT, sometimes we do things that upset other people without knowing it or understanding why it's important to them that we don't do it. IOW, people have to point things out to us that they think is important. If we value the relationship, we will then change our behaviors/actions and move that particular item "up" on the priority list.
... and just for the record: No, I would not do that for entertainment when a relationship was at stake. HTH
I agree with Sela, it seems like he's keeping his options open, and you should make sure he understands how much this bothers you. As an ISTJ trust is extemely important to me, and I would hate to do anything to cause my partner to lose trust in me.
I wouldn't visit dating sites at all, let alone when I'm in a relationship. I don't think his behaviour is type-related.
I wouldn't visit dating sites at all, let alone when I'm in a relationship. I don't think his behaviour is type-related.
ISTJ characteristics include loyalty and faithfulness. However, I would strongly advise you to trust your instincts. Trusting that he will stop is an evaluation that you have to make yourself, but
Personally, I would never contemplate visiting dating sites while in a relationship - or remaining on a mailing list for one. And the fact that he's been doing it for years is irrelevant: it should have stopped when he entered an exclusive relationship.
It also depends on your definition of fidelity: some people have a "look but don't touch" policy. Make sure he knows that you find his behaviour unacceptable.
Personally, I would never contemplate visiting dating sites while in a relationship - or remaining on a mailing list for one. And the fact that he's been doing it for years is irrelevant: it should have stopped when he entered an exclusive relationship.
Dating sites do have their entertainment value, IMO. Honestly, I wouldn't say no to looking at pictures of pretty girls.
However, I know that my girlfriend's the real deal for me and I'd never cross the line into any unacceptable behaviour. Like cursivelogic has said, once I enter into a relationship I won't spend time there, wouldn't sign up for the mailing list or remain on one.
If the dude said he'd stop, I think he probably would. If he hasn't been misbehaving in any other way I'd say give him another chance.
However, I know that my girlfriend's the real deal for me and I'd never cross the line into any unacceptable behaviour. Like cursivelogic has said, once I enter into a relationship I won't spend time there, wouldn't sign up for the mailing list or remain on one.
If the dude said he'd stop, I think he probably would. If he hasn't been misbehaving in any other way I'd say give him another chance.
Personally, no. This is something I would never do.... especially if I was already in a relationship.
haven't weighed into this one, I figure it's too late by this time though...
I 2nd Namaste's reaction.
I 2nd Namaste's reaction.
I think that he is keeping his options open, and you should be worried for your relationship.
No, I wouldn't visit dating sites when I was in a relationship. And no, I wouldn't do it to look at the pretty girls for 'entertainment'. Honestly, there are a lot better places on the internet for that than a dating site. Plus, I doubt you'd be as angry if you caught him visiting those sites. haha.
Either way, you should have a serious talk about it, and the future of your relationship. I'm sorry... *hugs*
No, I wouldn't visit dating sites when I was in a relationship. And no, I wouldn't do it to look at the pretty girls for 'entertainment'. Honestly, there are a lot better places on the internet for that than a dating site. Plus, I doubt you'd be as angry if you caught him visiting those sites. haha.
Either way, you should have a serious talk about it, and the future of your relationship. I'm sorry... *hugs*
I can't even try to relate to his situation. It's a "No" all over.
Thanks everyone. We had a serious talk and I really don't think he saw it as a big deal, as he swears he never did anything other than look. He knows how much it hurt me and said he has deleted everything and that it was an inappropriate habit.
I guess I am never going to know if anything happened. He says he loves me - and has said it prior to this inccident. I want to believe that, so i am going to give it another try.
Hope I am not being one of those 'dumb' trusting girlfriends.
I guess I am never going to know if anything happened. He says he loves me - and has said it prior to this inccident. I want to believe that, so i am going to give it another try.
Hope I am not being one of those 'dumb' trusting girlfriends.
You've thrown him a life line. Give him enough slack to do with it what he will--time will tell whether he uses it to save himself or to hang himself.
Be as wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.
Be as wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.
I realize this post is concluded, but I would like to mention one other thing.
It's possible he was doing this to fulfill a desire you were not fulfilling. You mentioned he was receiving nude pictures from this site; if you're not supplying his demand in that department (I'm not saying you should by any means, If that isn't something you're willing to do, he should respect it 100%; and you should NEVER be forced to settle) its eminent to me he was doing this for entertainment, but thats the whole root of this problem. Also, there's porn; why subscribe to a dating site?
Old habits die hard, if he has a high need for this type of interaction I can't say that i'm totally convinced he's going to quit - and even if you are doing your best at meeting these needs, it may not be enough for him, which is not something you want to deal with.
Just be careful. As niss said: "Be as wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove."
It's possible he was doing this to fulfill a desire you were not fulfilling. You mentioned he was receiving nude pictures from this site; if you're not supplying his demand in that department (I'm not saying you should by any means, If that isn't something you're willing to do, he should respect it 100%; and you should NEVER be forced to settle) its eminent to me he was doing this for entertainment, but thats the whole root of this problem. Also, there's porn; why subscribe to a dating site?
Old habits die hard, if he has a high need for this type of interaction I can't say that i'm totally convinced he's going to quit - and even if you are doing your best at meeting these needs, it may not be enough for him, which is not something you want to deal with.
Just be careful. As niss said: "Be as wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove."
That's fine - mention away and thank you. I need as many insights as I can get at the moment.
I can't talk to any friends regarding this and I would really like male's prespectives.
But as niss said - time will tell.
I can't talk to any friends regarding this and I would really like male's prespectives.
But as niss said - time will tell.
Update : Well I ended up breaking it off, though I felt like I didn't really have a choice and it was driving me crazy thinking about it.
He has been quite cold about it since - his response to me saying that he was looking around for someone else while telling me he loved me was "well if that's what you think, you have made the right decision then havent you"
Is that an ISTJ way of saying that is correct? I just wonder if he just needs time to calm down and then maybe provide me with a better explanation. It won't change anything - but I feel I deserve it.
Any ideas?
He has been quite cold about it since - his response to me saying that he was looking around for someone else while telling me he loved me was "well if that's what you think, you have made the right decision then havent you"
Is that an ISTJ way of saying that is correct? I just wonder if he just needs time to calm down and then maybe provide me with a better explanation. It won't change anything - but I feel I deserve it.
Any ideas?
If he is in fact innocent of wrongdoing, that is his way of telling you that if you wish to believe what is untrue, then he thinks he is better off without you and the resultant drama. I'm in no way taking sides; I'm simply telling you how I would react if I were accused of something that I did not do. I also want to add it's his way of cutting the strings; ISTJ's will cut off all contact and never look back if we believe we've been betrayed or wronged badly enough.
Yes, I could see that being the case.
But it is a very cold way of dealing with things - some people require more of an explanation and a little remorse wouldn't go astray.
But it is a very cold way of dealing with things - some people require more of an explanation and a little remorse wouldn't go astray.
Really, when I saw that I instantly thought he was innocent. If I was innocent and that happened my response would be VERY similar.
I agree with what Sela said too.
I agree with what Sela said too.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and disagree with the others. That statement is what I'd say if I were not very emotionally involved in the relationship. If I were in pretty deep in the relationship, I would be a lot more expressive and would be seeking to try to talk this through.
I agree with niss63. If I was invested in the relationship, I would certainly try to talk things through.
If I were wrongly accused, I wouldn't just let it go. Even if the relationship still ended, it would be very important to me that the other person knows the truth.
If I were wrongly accused, I wouldn't just let it go. Even if the relationship still ended, it would be very important to me that the other person knows the truth.
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