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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just discovered my boyfriend is an ISTP. He has a rather unemotional tendency and is blind to when I'm depressed or upset. How do I either cope with it or try and get him to show some emotion towards me? It ends up leaving me feeling like I am unimportant. But I know I'm almost the most important person in his life.
 

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Just tell him how you are feeling and why.

I know that myself, I won't bother trying to interpret it myself because it can be very mentally exhausting to decipher peoples emotions and why they feel that way. Said friend/partner telling/explaining to me How and Why they feel that way makes things much easier on my end. I would guess your Boyfriend is the same way, but I dunno, everyone is different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks! I'll tell him how I feel. I mean, It's not a huge deal, but every once in a while... :tongue:
 

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Just tell him how you are feeling and why.
Is it so simple? I find that most of the time, my ISTP would not even bother to listen. And he has stopped talking to me because he says I always react emotionally to him, but what I'm doing is only to tell him how I feel. As such, we've kinda stopped communicating in the deeper level.
 

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Well, purplelilly, it comes down to the individual in the end. Some people are just jerks, end of story, no matter what type they are.
 

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Is it so simple? I find that most of the time, my ISTP would not even bother to listen. And he has stopped talking to me because he says I always react emotionally to him, but what I'm doing is only to tell him how I feel. As such, we've kinda stopped communicating in the deeper level.

Well, purplelilly, it comes down to the individual in the end. Some people are just jerks, end of story, no matter what type they are.
Madhatter has got it right. The thing though with many ISTP, we prefer people to be blunt and direct, not to dance around and ask us to waste energy on deciphering emotions. Try being blunt and direct and you SHOULD get to him, if not, then he is just a jerk-ass.

I should also post a link to a research article I found on the difference between the male and female brain. I don't remember it, but if I find it again I will link it. Basically it said the processing of emotions is the biggest difference between the two.
 

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Well, purplelilly, it comes down to the individual in the end. Some people are just jerks, end of story, no matter what type they are.
Oh dear...I do think he is a jerk, and I think he is an under-developed ISTP. I have a lot of work to do then, on him and on myself. I am a fairly developed INFP but when it comes to him, I can become the worst INFP on earth :crazy:
 

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Madhatter has got it right. The thing though with many ISTP, we prefer people to be blunt and direct, not to dance around and ask us to waste energy on deciphering emotions. Try being blunt and direct and you SHOULD get to him, if not, then he is just a jerk-ass.

I should also post a link to a research article I found on the difference between the male and female brain. I don't remember it, but if I find it again I will link it. Basically it said the processing of emotions is the biggest difference between the two.
Thanks DemonAbyss10, I have to learn to be blunt and direct and just do it without feeling too bad about it. I can do that to others, but somehow with my husband...sigh...

Hope you will find the research article. Thanks again.
 

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Oh dear...I do think he is a jerk, and I think he is an under-developed ISTP. I have a lot of work to do then, on him and on myself. I am a fairly developed INFP but when it comes to him, I can become the worst INFP on earth :crazy:
Some people just bring out the worst side in each other. I would be interested in knowing if it's related to personality type, and how it differs from each personality.
 

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Some people just bring out the worst side in each other. I would be interested in knowing if it's related to personality type, and how it differs from each personality.
It's less 'the worse' but both personality types' strengths, which in the bigger picture make things bad due to being the complete opposite. ISTPs will stand firm and strong typically and disregard all sorts of emotions and emotional outbursts while also disregarding the partners need of emotional support to an extend because to him it doesn't matter.

As ISTP you may understand that emotions are important for your partner, but just because you've understood that it doesn't mean you can take care of the need. Some things cannot be fixed without bending oneself over to the point of breakage.

I don't see it as bringing out the worst in persons (unless there's temper issues eventually) but merely two complete opposites colliding.

I'd expect a Thinker and Feeler to always collide and possibly crash hard, simply because of one being practical and reasonable while the other is the opposite. I've a very time with Feeling - Judgers, they drive me insane with the nonsense they spew :tongue:.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks! I was holding off on saying something, just in case I was overreacting. I would have a friend drop small hints saying that and he would show more emotional support. But after a few days it would seem he was completely drained of trying =].

Anyways, he is a good person. But, how would I know? Seeing as I often am caught up in unhealthy relationship just because I can "See the light" in people and ignore the bad.

Things almost got bad when I asked what college he was going to go to (I know many P's who are in my grade *8th* who know what college the want to go to. But he, is like 100% ISTP.) and he got upset saying how it's annoying when people ask him about what he wants to do in the future and that he'll cross that road when he gets to it.

-Side note. He is probably the best with computers in my school.
 

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Yeah, I didn't like it when people asked me that in school either. I would have to answer "I don't know" and the usual grilling would follow of how I need to start planning for the future. I hate thinking about the future, much less planning for it.
 

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Be straight with him and tell him how you feel. Preferably if you are holding his hand or hugging him. Physical contact is probably the easiest to interpret rather than any mixing of words in any language.

There's a lot of times where it looks like I respond unemotionally to people when they are upset, about 90% of that time it's me trying not to actually solve the problem and thus freezing up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
That was my theory. Before I realized he was an ISTP I thought he was just a jerk. Now I really understand why :tongue:
 

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Be straight with him and tell him how you feel. Preferably if you are holding his hand or hugging him. Physical contact is probably the easiest to interpret rather than any mixing of words in any language.

There's a lot of times where it looks like I respond unemotionally to people when they are upset, about 90% of that time it's me trying not to actually solve the problem and thus freezing up.
Absolutely.

I don't actively search for the cues about people's feelings; I just suppose that they're okay if there's nothing special hitting me in the head and telling otherwise. It's really difficult to see when someone's upset if they're not actively showing it by actions or by words. Crying spells and tantrums I do notice, but when people are just quiet or sulk it's takes a while to react. Going for hugs when being upset or sad sounds like a very good idea.

I also am prone of freezing when I am not sure what to do about someone's upsetness. If they behave the same way I would, I can find a solution from my own experience ("what did I want to be done when I was like that"). However, when I am either told that it doesn't work or when I see it doesn't make any difference, I'm kinda lost - doubly so if they don't even answer if/when I ask what's wrong or what can I do.

I suggest that you two discuss about how you each react when being upset or sad and what would help you each to feel better in that kind of situation. With that knowledge there's far better chances that he will understand when his help is needed and how he can help you. We did that and I am learning.. slowly, it might be, but I'm doing some progress!

Be also nice and show it clearly (we are pretty blind indeed) when he's doing something right, it will strengthen the learning process. :cool:
 

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I find my conversations with INFP's to actually be 2 separate conversations running parralell that neither one of us care about. It happens often and I'm not sure why.
 

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I find my conversations with INFP's to actually be 2 separate conversations running parralell that neither one of us care about. It happens often and I'm not sure why.
This is regarding INFPs, not INFJs?

Hmm. I can venture to guess... it may be because:

INFPs = personal and interpersonal, "deep" as in delving deeply into one topic, meaningful, truth as opposed to fact, big-picture insights, likes discussing inspirations, future dreams, hopes, values, sharing problems, empathy-fests = lights their fire

ISTPs = impersonal, flits from topic to topic, more random, meaning is less relevant than fact/accuracy, things like neat trivia, wit, funny stories, details regarding their area of expertise, or debating political issues (in more of an 'S' way than an 'N'), and focusing on matters of the present = lights their fire

Also, the ISTP tends not to ask questions about the other person = not interested in the personal/interpersonal. The INFP senses this and refrains from going on about the subject s/he knows most about. S/he tells the ISTP: "Tell me about your interests" in an effort to connect somehow to the person. The ISTP goes on and on. INFP cares enough to listen, but probably does not care too much for the topic. INFP may attempt to contribute but feels awkward doing so, as it is not really his/her area of interest/expertise. Hence, your observation.

However, because INFP cares, s/he tries valiantly to contribute things that might spark the interest of both ISTP and INFP. When conversation fails to connect or gets disjointed, they make it up with lots of other bonding activities. But once in a while, the INFP requests a serious, personal conversation, and the ISTP surprises the INFP with his/her matter-of-fact honesty. These rare moments of mutual authenticity, where each slow down and truly see each other's inner workings bring the two parties closer together.
 
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