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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So in the beginning, a guy pursued me very hard and I was at the time not looking for a relationship. A lot of my friends moved away and dates are always fun, so I went along with him. We have a nice time together each time, but they feel a bit lacking in meaning. Lacking in meaning in the way I want to define things, if that makes sense. He and I think differently.

He seemed to really, really like me, and I was beginning to like him. then I realized that there were instances during which it seemed like he was exaggerating his positive sentiments ("oh we had an amazing time together!" etc, when I knew he was happy but not ecstatic the whole time). I told him I did not like that, that I can tell sometimes he was not being sincere, and that a long string of compliments (about everything from my appearance to my personality) do not make me like him more.

It's been maybe 6 weeks now, and during the beginning 2-4 weeks, he pressured me into either admitting my feelings to him and/or committing to him. I told him each time that things were happening extremely fast and that we barely knew each other.

So I guess, my question for you fellow ENTJs and ENTJ-adorers, have you been in a situation where you are continuously on the fence about someone? I'm trying to understand my own feelings towards him... unsure if it is just fear of being alone, or fear of not finding someone better, or what exactly is keeping me from breaking things off?

the question I cannot answer is that I do not know if he is the kind of man I want to marry, and I don't see the point in committing a relationship that will not last / lead to something serious. Perhaps it's in the Ni in me projecting too quickly into the future and thinking about all the things that can go wrong. perhaps I'm a tiny bit afraid of closing myself off to people who might be a better fit for me. i'm also afraid of making a decision that is too hasty -- he might turn out to be the love of my life? It is possible...

I told him my concerns already, namely

-He is not my best friend, will be very hard for him to be my best friend the way I'd want my SO to be. What I mean by this is that, he cannot understand me the way some of my closest xNFx friends can. He does not *listen* to me very well.

-Am I creating problems where there are none? Things are fine most of the time, except he is super anti-confrontational and whenever I try to bring up issues (or not even issues, just unpleasant truths regarding *important* things), he responds with "I don't want to fight with you" and "I just can't make you happy".

-What would you do in this situation? Give him a chance? Or cut him loose? Not waste his time? I'm personally not in a rush to decide anything at the moment. My career comes first. He seems more in a rush to find the right girl and to get married, etc. he is older than me by quite a bit.

-He appreciates me for the right reasons, as I have not done anything supportive or good for his ego (I almost never compliment him though I oftentimes find myself in a situation with him where I know his mood would be supremely improved if I could just say something nice; but the stupid NT part of me refuses to say something nice... it is me trying to not lead him on unnecessarily/say insincere things...)


-Even when I do nice things for him (you know, because I am a decent human being), I always tell him it's no big deal. I feel this is also a problem?

If anything, I've been putting blows to ego either intentionally or unintentionally to test him. He's able to forgive a lot of the crap I put him through (mostly because I wanted to not doubt him and stuff). We keep going back and forth, though. I'm trying to do the right thing.

Would love to hear thoughts/comments about any of the things I listed...

****, I just wanna be understood sometimes. I'm such a pain sometimes...
 
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In my foresight, ...*what's the phrase for something that's opposite from the light at the end of the tunnel*?
If I have any claim to this, I know how you feel +1.
In the back of your mind there will always be the hidden voice 'he wants to marry me / and i'm uncomfortable with unequal feelings', what do you think you'll tell yourself are the reasons for saying 'Yes'? A relationship with a prospective plan of changing your feelings, what a freaking joke.
 

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Even when I do nice things for him (you know, because I am a decent human being), I always tell him it's no big deal. I feel this is also a problem?
But is it a big deal?
 

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I have more time now, so:

We have a nice time together each time, but they feel a bit lacking in meaning.
Enjoy the time with him. The meaning is to be happy, unconditionally.

It's been maybe 6 weeks now, and during the beginning 2-4 weeks, he pressured me into either admitting my feelings to him and/or committing to him. I told him each time that things were happening extremely fast and that we barely knew each other.
That's fast. I do not know how many dates you had? Either way, admitting feelings (negative or positive) is not a bad thing. So why wouldn't you try and go into a relationship? The way to find out he is the one for you is by doing, by gathering data.

So I guess, my question for you fellow ENTJs and ENTJ-adorers, have you been in a situation where you are continuously on the fence about someone? I'm trying to understand my own feelings towards him... unsure if it is just fear of being alone, or fear of not finding someone better, or what exactly is keeping me from breaking things off?
There is a huge distance between marrying and starting a relationship. Do not think about marriage at this time, it is the beginning of a relationship, come on. You should be happy and bouncy and shit. Enjoy the fuckin moment

About the fear. In my comparable case, it was fear of getting hurt.

GL.
 

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I was like that too... if I just couldn't see it potentially progressing to marriage, I didn't bother.

Hmm....

Ok, random thoughts in no particular order:

1) It could be fear that makes you hesitant to break it off, but it could just as easily be some benefit you are deriving from this relationship which you do not want to lose. It could even be a combination of both these factors. What are you getting exactly, and what are you afraid of?

2) My own husband is an INTP. (Basically, take ENTJ, and switch all the introversion and extroversion tags on the functions.) He cannot, and probably never will take his inferior Fe and convey that effortless 'warm, fuzzy feeling of understanding' the way an xNFX does. Then again, I'm just as screwed in that capacity with inferior Fi, and possibly more so. I never held this as a primary requirement of a mate, though. Provided he can remain civil when my Fi is close to the surface instead of magically morphing into an abrasive, self-obsessed idiot, that's really all I ask in that department.

3) In my experience, people who are "anti-confrontational" tend to become increasingly anxious, resentful, and passive-aggressive over time. This may or may not be worth the aggravation to you.

4) In any relationship, there will be the expectation of some sort of supportive/ego boosting things. You don't have to lie to do it, just find something about them that's worth a damn and compliment it. (And if you cannot find anything about him that's worth a damn, then why are you with him in the first place?)

5) When you do something nice for him it might not be a big deal to you, but I'm getting the impression that it's a very big deal for him. Some people are screwy when it comes to this kind of thing. It is as if to say it was no big deal makes them feel invalidated in some way.

6) If you're going to dump him then go on and dump him, but don't verbally abuse him. Be it literal or metaphorical, a swift execution is always more merciful than a long, drawn-out one.

7) I get the impression that he's giving you what he desperately wishes you were giving him. Does that make any sense? People often do that kind of shit in relationships, almost as if they're thinking, "If I show <person> how good this feels, they'll feel obligated to return the favor by giving me this kind of thing in return."

8) My instincts say that the two of you either just aren't compatible, or at the very least, are not compatible at this time. From what you're saying, you're just not that into him.
 
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Let's drop the typology for a moment and look at the situation.
Guy likes you, you're uncertain. It's been 6 weeks? That's far too soon to think about marriage in any reasonable way. I mean even if you are in a proper relationship this is the 'honeymoon' phase. Everything positive will be ridiculously accentuated if you really get along and everything negative will be really brought to the forefront if one of you doesn't get along and seems to me the latter is the case with you.
As Nighty88 said enjoy the moment. Don't make long term decisions. The real issue here is that you're both at different phases of your life - you're not quite in the settling down phase and he really wants to settle down. That's obviously going to create some conflict and it seems like either you're being coaxed into thinking settling down soon is a good idea though you are actually opposed to that based on the words you've put out.

Treat dating as trial and error, there's no perfect person that we'd meet and each relationship is just an iterative to find someone more suitable for us.
Don't be polite for the sake of being polite, if you do something nice you're actually taking the time and effort to do something. Even if you say it's no big deal, he should appreciate it because if he doesn't then you're building precedence for the future where even if it's 'no big deal' you'd not feel the effort you'd put in is appreciated. The fact that you brought it up suggests that there's some discomfort there.

The constant blow to their ego thing is probably a personality thing (while i hate personality typing) it's something that many of us tend to do when we're younger in order to see if it's appropriate. Also if they get you despite this they get you. Not everyone does.

Giving him a chance or cutting him loose depends on yourself. You have to make your priorities clear to him. You want your career and you don't want to settle. You need to make those bits clear. If he respects that then yes it's worth it. If not you need to know if you're happy with it. No regrets moving forward.

On a different note, your SO need not be your best friend but needs to be a good companion. If that is important to you then well you've to see if there's a possibility you'd become good friends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the responses. Knew you guys would be able to point out a lot of useful things. Apologies for such a self-centered post though. Hopefully this thread was at least helpful to other people's relationship issues as well...

In no particular order:

- We spent maybe 30% of these 6 weeks together, days and days together (we both had a ridiculous amount of free time last month). I've hung out with his family members (yeah, I know... super awkward the first time), some of his friends. He hasn't met any of mine, simply because my close friends are all gone this summer.

- I just don't see the point in committing/starting a new relationship with someone I can't see myself marrying. That's all I'm saying. Seems rather pointless and unwise to close myself to other people.

- Yes, I'm afraid of very much regretting cutting him off/not putting in enough effort.

- He's some sort of xxTP. (pretty split in all categories, actually) though like I said, he is super either in denial or just not very good at dealing with conflict. He's not very reasonable sometimes and prone to give in to his emotions. I see no signs of passive aggression, but he is losing patience with me, has a hard time listening to me (but truly listening), and resentment comes out a tiny bit here and there. But I have been the same person through and through.

- Yeah, it really seems like I'm just not that into him at times. He appreciates me the right way and I'm comfortable with him. But I don't think I like his personality the way he likes mine. I'm drawn to people with a backbone, motivated from within, and has a strong sense of sense. and he's just........ not that person.
 

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Thanks for all the responses. Knew you guys would be able to point out a lot of useful things. Apologies for such a self-centered post though. Hopefully this thread was at least helpful to other people's relationship issues as well...

In no particular order:

- We spent maybe 30% of these 6 weeks together, days and days together (we both had a ridiculous amount of free time last month). I've hung out with his family members (yeah, I know... super awkward the first time), some of his friends. He hasn't met any of mine, simply because my close friends are all gone this summer.

- I just don't see the point in committing/starting a new relationship with someone I can't see myself marrying. That's all I'm saying. Seems rather pointless and unwise to close myself to other people.

- Yes, I'm afraid of very much regretting cutting him off/not putting in enough effort.

- He's some sort of xxTP. (pretty split in all categories, actually) though like I said, he is super either in denial or just not very good at dealing with conflict. He's not very reasonable sometimes and prone to give in to his emotions. I see no signs of passive aggression, but he is losing patience with me, has a hard time listening to me (but truly listening), and resentment comes out a tiny bit here and there. But I have been the same person through and through.

- Yeah, it really seems like I'm just not that into him at times. He appreciates me the right way and I'm comfortable with him. But I don't think I like his personality the way he likes mine. I'm drawn to people with a backbone, motivated from within, and has a strong sense of sense. and he's just........ not that person.
Trust your gut feeling.
 

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- yeah, it really seems like i'm just not that into him at times. He appreciates me the right way and i'm comfortable with him. But i don't think i like his personality the way he likes mine. I'm drawn to people with a backbone, motivated from within, and has a strong sense of sense. And he's just........ Not that person.
Vamoose!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I guess the only thing that's kept me from following my intuition is that I keep hoping he'd improve. Also I'm aware that I just don't *know* everything. Especially things in the future.

Relationships are complicated. I'm starting also to feel like I'm compatible with with barely anyone.

:(
 

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I guess the only thing that's kept me from following my intuition is that I keep hoping he'd improve. Also I'm aware that I just don't *know* everything. Especially things in the future.

Relationships are complicated. I'm starting also to feel like I'm compatible with with barely anyone.

:(
Don't worry you'll find the one that's compatible. Just don't settle for the rest that's all. There's no hurry, you're young as you've noted and there's always time :) There's no need to know everything, all you need to know is what's not good for you. Trust your intuition more than 'hope'. Hoping for change is rarely good in relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Also, I guess, I felt bad because I'm aware I have many flaws within myself too. And he's really put up with me quite a lot. Just trying to understand if this is a general incompatibility issue or I just need to seriously work on myself.

Somehow I always manage to get guys I date in this situation where they are just unhappy with the fact that they can't ever make me happy. Perhaps I'm the real coward, and I (or other people) always just say that "oh it's cuz we're just not meant to be together" and I know I can find another guy quickly to replace them if things "don't work out".

I guess what I'm looking for is something really, really specific and at the end of the day, I really just wish someone can understand me. They really don't have to do much. They just have to understand me.
 

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We are secrets to each other
Each one's life a novel
No one else has read
Even joined in bonds of love
We're linked to one another
By such slender threads

We are planets to each other
Drifting in our orbits
To a brief eclipse
Each of us a world apart
Alone and yet together
Like two passing ships

[Chorus:]
Just between us
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes fear to show
Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room for you and I to grow

We are strangers to each other
Full of sliding panels
An illusion show
Acting well rehearsed routines
Or playing from the heart?
It's hard for one to know

We are islands to each other
Building hopeful bridges
On a troubled sea
Some are burned or swept away
Some we would not choose
But we're not always free

-Neil Peart (Rush), "Entre Nous"
 

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Also, I guess, I felt bad because I'm aware I have many flaws within myself too. And he's really put up with me quite a lot. Just trying to understand if this is a general incompatibility issue or I just need to seriously work on myself.

Somehow I always manage to get guys I date in this situation where they are just unhappy with the fact that they can't ever make me happy. Perhaps I'm the real coward, and I (or other people) always just say that "oh it's cuz we're just not meant to be together" and I know I can find another guy quickly to replace them if things "don't work out".

I guess what I'm looking for is something really, really specific and at the end of the day, I really just wish someone can understand me. They really don't have to do much. They just have to understand me.
Are you hot?
 

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