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I was bullied through most of primary school, called names, etc. but it was somewhat tolerable. I tried fighting back by also calling them names (though I wasn't as good at it because I'm not a fast talker) or by running after them with heavy item like a chair in my hand and stuff.

Two last years of primary school were a nightmare that ruined my career and possibly even killed me.

There were two worst bullies. The first one first attacked me somewhere in the end of 6th grade. He threatened to beat me up and later was insulting and threatening me. At some point he was moved to my class. At some point i realised he was all words, and started kicking his ass every time he insulted me. For some reason we became frenemies and he haven't stopped bullying me psychologically, even when every time I retaliated.

Another was a manipulative type that was liked by most of teachers and usually had 4s from most of subjects. He was a worse student than me but at least wasn't completely hopeless like most of them. He was bullying some students and sexually molesting girls and got away with it all. One of the guys from my class gave him a black eye for bullying him and parents of the bully sued him!
At some point at the start of the 8th grade, I accidentally offended his family in a political topic and he started bullying me together with his buddies. I couldn't stop him because I wasn't very strong and dexterous. And no one wanted to help me or to organize effective resistance to him and his clique.

It was all unbearable. I started having trouble sleeping, lying in bed and thinking obsessively of some way of stopping the bullies. I started having attacks of rage where I would kick furniture or throwing things.

I tried to hire an older dude I knew from English course to beat them up but for all his bragging about his criminal activities, he wasn't interested in doing it.

I was increasingly escaping into world of video games. My grades in the last class have worsened - from 5s and 4s and an occasional 6 to 4s and in the last class hit the bottom with a lot of 3s and 2s.

I remember that it was then, in the 7th grade when I first heard about gun saints. In 1999, there was the famous Columbine High School massacre. I admired the holy martyrs that delivered death and destruction to their school.
I was often thinking about attacking my school, for example by setting fire by gas pipes. These were quite impractical fantasies. Logically, speaking, the most logical and righteous thing would be bringing a knife to school and killing the director.
Anyway, I had to start visiting a psychologists. I remember telling them that I want to kill my class. They told me that it's not worth to kill a piece of shit and go to prison like for killing a real human being. It was quite convincing XD .

During eight class, my health started deteriorating, I gained weight and my sight worsened. Finally, besides insomnia, I started to have severe stomach aches and diarrhoea. I had to stop going to school. I was going through various diagnostics before it was decided that it's for psychological causes.
I don't know how I finished primary school (IIRC I finished it thanks to private tutoring), but I had very bad grades from all subjects and I couldn't get into any state high school.

So, during the last two years of primary school, I was transformed for the first time.

I had to go to a private high school and there were also bullies but not as bad as in primary school. I had problems maintaining frequency and had rage attacks, mainly kicking or slamming doors. Also, I hated my class because there were many wicked people.
I quit that high school on a second year after I had to go for a mandatory class trip. I was one of two sober people there and it was just too much for me.

I moved to a state school but despite that I finally had a normal, friendly class, I had trouble going to school and trouble sleeping and often when I encountered some ideological enemies or some wrong, I had trouble sleeping and had intrusive, obsessive thoughts about it and intrusive feelings of rage. I was also addicted to video games. Also, I felt burned-out with school and stuff like that.
I had very poor attendance in high school, barely above 50%. I often was afraid to go to school, had problems staying on lessons, also, I had stomach problems - I would often have to go to toilet just before going out to school, which made getting there on time practically impossible.
After the 8th grade of primary school I never had normal frequency at school again, it simply became impossible.

During that time I still had attacks of rage. I destroyed doors/damaged in most of closets in my room and kitchen. I also once punched and broke a bathroom mirror.

I repeated second year in the second high school. In the repeated class, I finally found some cool friends that I stayed in contact with for many years. I had to repeat third year in 2003 but they kicked me out of that school for all the absences and slow progress.
Following advice of the school director, I went to a school for adults which was a weekend school.

During most of that time I experienced terrible loneliness which stopped only when I got access somewhere in 2004.

Then my evil ex-father decided that I have to go to work because I'm not in a day school, despite that I wasn't capable of even going to day school. He stopped paying alimony and sued me to take away my right to alimony.
First instance of court took away my alimony, second restored it but in insufficient amount and decided that I somehow had to earn the rest at work despite being incapable of working. Then my family's financial nightmare has begun because my evil ex-father stopped paying alimony at all (meanwhile he was living like a king, driving an expensive car and bought himself a second flat).
To make things worse, my mother's company had much less income than in late 90s and early 2000s.

In late 2005 I suffered another traumatic event. I was attacked on streets a few times by two neo-nazi thugs (separately). I started having trouble going out, I felt constantly threatened outside. I stopped going out for walks. I convinced my mother to enrol me on Krav Maga lessons. I went there for half a year (though I had to quit after a contusion) and gained more strength and self-confidence. While it didn't make me feel safe (rather like going out on a patrol), a few times I met one of the attackers and a subtle shift of my position convinced him to fuck off.
In that time I became obsessed with idea of death penalty for violent crime and extermination of violent criminals. I got into a lot of internet arguments about it. I was transformed again. I saw people who argued against my ideas as enemies and allies of violent criminals. I stopped being able to have distance myself from internet arguments in general. During these discussions I often felt similarly as when I was bullied in the end of primary school. The same sense of helpless rage and degradation by the other.

For a long time (over a year or a few years, I think) I had violent nightmares where I would be attacked by some attackers and I had to run away and/or kill them in hand to hand combat. It was when I became afraid to sleep.
Also, I started having concentration problems when learning, especially with dry technical stuff and general problems with memory. Before that I used to be very creative with modding, I was doing a lot of scripting, I found it very easy to learn maths, etc. but then I started having problems understanding more complicated stuff because I started having short term memory problems. Everything became so disjointed.


I finished high school in 2006. I had very bad grades. I barely passed maturity exam. I had 4 from written English, 5 from spoken English, 2 from Polish and 4 from Knowledge about Society (a bullshit subject that didn't require studying). I couldn't get into any university with grades like these.

I think at some point during that time I went on a job interview for tech support in a local telecommunication company and it turned out that the interviewer was a guy from my second high school which remembered my attacks of rage. Also I had problem answering questions during he interview, especially the one to test my ability to communicate with strangers and unpleasant people. So, I didn't get that job.

In the end of June, 2006 my mother forced me to go to London to my uncle and search for a job there.
I didn't get even a single interview despite going to a job centre every day and applying to physical work offers. For a month I didn't have a computer and internet which was very difficult for me, because the feelings of loneliness and despair returned because I was separated from people I knew and my uncle was usually working until late. Also, I missed a computer.
One time I had an attack of rage and threw my cell phone at wall, damaging its screen.
At some point my uncle brought me an old PC with Windows XP so, I could at least play some games and work on my mods. I felt better. Also, I managed to find a way to register in a local library to get internet access for an hour a day and borrow books.
I started to like London and I felt much safer there. Also, I liked the perspective of earning a lot of money.
Sadly, as I learned latter, London is the worst place for an unskilled person to look for a job and additionally I was there in the worst period because the place was crawling with seasonal workers who came there for vacation (later one my friend had similar problems with finding a job there and he got a job only after moving to another town).
In the middle of September my uncle had to repair his car, so he could no longer pay for my room and food and I had to move back to Poland. I was very unhappy about it because I would be threatened with violence in Poland but I had no choice.

To Be Continued
 
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