I’msorry to bother you with my post but for the recent years I’ve been dying tofind out what my MBTI type is. In fact I’ve been visiting this forum (and manyother psychological ones) for at least 4 years now but I’ve never gathered enoughcourage to post and ask other people for help or at least for opinion (I’vealways thought that my problems are a nuisance to others and I should be ableto solve them on my own).
Butfinally I decided that I at least could try and if nothing comes out of it thenbe it. To be honest, I don’t really like talking much about myself – I alwaysthink that I’m just boring others to death and I can’t stand others ignoringme. I’d rather never open my mouth (or take a pen) than opening it and findingout that no one cares.
Butas I said, I’d be really grateful if someone could say something about me. Idon’t have much friends – in fact, I don’t have any, save for my younger sisterand one girl my age whom I interact occasionally with only through cell phone andrarely even talk with in person. Many times I wish someone would describe me(because I feel I can’t do it myself) but my parents just think I’m a stubbornand defiant lazy bum, my sister usually brushes me off saying she don’t wantto/can’t/don’t have time to describe me or just summarizes me as a weirdo and apartfrom my family no one really knows me enough to say anything about me beyondthe generalities (and I’m too afraid to ask about their impression of me). WhenI was still in school teachers described me as quiet and rather plain untilI’ve done something rebellious and then they labeled me as a wayward.
I’vetaken the MBTI test many times and usually scored either as INFP or ISFP, butsometimes after reading descriptions of all the16 types I start to think thatthey all match me in one way or other. I also have to mention that on rareoccasions when I felt that “yes, this might be my type for 99%”, it made me ratherangry. What I mean is, when I feel that someone is trying to label me and is ohso sure to say “here see this is who you are” something inside me starts torage and I feel like tearing that person (or myself) apart. So on one hand Iwant to be described by someone badly but on the other hand, deep down I knowthat whatever someone says about me I’d never really agree with it completelyand I’d try to find any way possible to prove that I’m exactly the opposite ofhis/her description. I know this part of me is really twisted, but I just can’thelp myself. Still, I want to know other people opinions just as badly.
SoI’ll try to describe myself the best I can. Hopefully it won’t be too boring.Oh, and excuse me my poor English.
1) What aspect of your personality made you unsure of your type?
Many times I feel like there are manytotally different people inside me – it’s not like a multiple personalitydisorder. I am all of these personalities but I feel I can only be one of themat particular time (ex. I can only be spontaneous, happy person with my sisterand only serious with my parents, I have to be quiet around strangers, but canbe wild well, with my sister etc.) That’s probably why I can’t decide if I’m anintuitive or sensory type. I don’t believe my gut feelings, but on the otherhand I feel that the best decisions I make are those that I make unconsciously.
In fact if I was to say somethingcertain about myself it would be that the more unconscious I am the more goodthings seem to happen to me (that’s at least how I feel about it). The more Ithink about something, the more I try to analyze what would be the best option,the more often the outcome leaves much to be desired. It’s like the more I don’t know what I’m doingthe better. I’m over-conscious and I always worry about what others mightpossibly think of me, to the point that I’m afraid to go out to buy somethingto eat because I know I’d worry about other people watching me and just havingto put up with the whole situation drains me immensely.
That’s why I hate thinking over andplanning and all this stuff. I’m afraid of spontaneity, yet it turns out morethan often that by being spontaneous I finally get the job done or get what Iwanted. I think that it might be so because I have very high expectations andjust can’t handle disappointment.
I’m not practical at all. I can’t cook(I have anemia and skin problems because of my bad eating habits), almost neverclean my small apartment (I live alone during academic year) and when I do it’sonly because my mom threatens to come and be angry at me if she sees that Ihaven’t cleaned again; I can’t do one thing without calling my mom first askinghow it should be done (stuff like filling up documents), I still have troubleswith counting money (mainly beyond thousands) and many times I overpay. I can’tunderstand anything that has to do with politics, economy, agriculture, mathematics,chemistry, physics – even the most basic things which makes me feel like atotal idiot (I’m also afraid to ask if I don’t know something so instead oftrying to fill in my knowledge gaps I just leave them like that).
My parents worry constantly that I won’tbe able to live on my own and I understand them perfectly because I feel thatI’ll have BIG troubles with that. Right know I’m working with my mom as a translator(she owns a company) so at least I don’t have to worry about being a totallyworthless and useless parasite, but I’m anxious about my future. I tried towork on my own in a supermarket ( I was working there for 8 months) but I nevergot used to it, almost never interacted with other employees beside generalcourtesies, just did what I was told to do and nothing beyond it. I couldn’tput up with the stress and routine any longer and finally I literately escapedfrom there (one day I just didn’t come and even when they tried to contact methrough phone I just didn’t answer it).
2) What do you yearn for in life? Why?
I don’t really know. One minute I’d just like to spend my life in my bed,having a peaceful and secure life with nothing to worry about, next minute Iwish I was someone famous and successful, someone who created somethingmeaningful, who understands many things (my ideal is Jung – if I was to pointout my authority figure it’d be him).
It’s always “all or nothing” scenario. Idon’t want to be just half-good at something. I want to be perfect at it. Butif it’s impossible for me to be perfect then I couldn’t bother more about it.That’s probably why I stopped being so passionate about my Japanese languagestudy. I can speak, read and write in it decently I think, but it’s never enoughfor me. When I see that someone is better I feel like all the energy just flowsout of me and don’t want to strive at anything anymore
I’d like to go to Japan, but don’t domuch to make that dream come true. I’d like to learn new language but I don’tfeel enough zeal to try to learn it. Sometimes I even wonder how the heck Imanaged to learn Japanese. Because it never was a learning to me – I just love itand one day I just realized that I kind of know it (that’s how it feels to me).But now I can’t even bring myself to memorize a single word. The same is withstarting a new language. If don’t see any meaning in learning it I won’t learnit no matter how much I tried. And I learnt Japanese because I always lovedmanga and anime and wanted to learn more about my favourite series, favouritecharacters and for that learning Japanese seemed like the best option. But knowthe whole thing just lost any meaning to me. And I don’t know what I’d like todo with it in my life. I know that being such a quitter won’t get me far.
3) Think about a time where you felt like you were at your finest. Tell us whatmade you feel that way.
This one is really tough because I rarely feel good about myself. But if I hadto give an example I’d say it’s when I find something new about the things Ilove – when I can immerse myself into my fantasies, creating lots of differentscenarios for my characters, identifying with them etc. It’s a great feelingbut it only lasts for a couple of days, sometimes only for a one day. Afterthat I feel depressed again, like I’m drained and have no perspectives, nothingto be excited about in life.
I know the questions meant probablysomething different like when I feel like that when among the people – but thething is I don’t feel like that when I’m with people. Sometimes I feel goodwhen I feel that others are having good time, they’re paying attention to me,they laugh and joke with me – but soon I start to feel that something is wrongwith that, that it’s so artificial. Or I start to feel jealous of others. Orbasically start having many other negative feelings. And I want to leave thispeople as soon as possible and go back to my room, to my fantasies andobsessions, because they make me feel so comfortable, so at home.
But I don’t want to talk about my dreamsand obsessions with anyone else – the truth is I’m rather ashamed of them. Ilove them dearly but I know no one would ever understand them.
4) What makes you feel inferior?
Me myself. The fact that I don’t have anything to be proud of, nothing thatcould impress others, make them say “she’s an interesting person”. I knowJapanese, but I’m afraid of using it in public (the same is with English and mynative language – I tend to forget words, stagger etc I’m just a total messwhen talking) ; I can write in it, but writing a single sentence costs me a lotof energy (because I don’t want to make any grammar errors etc) and so I can’treally write longer papers. I like drawing but I can only draw in manga styleand only people (I can’t draw anything dynamic or nature etc) and my sister forexample can draw anything and basically she draws realistically and I admire itin her very much. And that’s probably all I could say I can do at least on a decentlevel.
I’m not pretty or smart. I tend toforget almost everything I read in a book. I’m not religious person – I’m acatholic but don’t attend church.
5) What tends to weigh on your decisions? (Do you think about people, pro-cons,how you feel about it, etc.)
I’m afraid that I might be wrong. And that people would blame me for any mistakes.
So I tend to avoid situations where Ihave to say something decisive. If I’m forced to do it I tend to have manynegative feelings and thoughts about the decisions I made afterwards.
6) When working on a project what is normally your emphasis? Do you like tohave control of the outcome?
I tend to procrastinate I much as I canand sometimes this got in troubles because I didn’t manage to finish my job ontime (too much left for too short time). I can’t bring myself to do that what isobligatory – the more I think about it the more I feel like I’m gettingexhausted (yeah I know it’s stupid because it’s almost a physical pain). So Ijust try to forget about it for a time being until the deadline is too close tobe able to ignore it any longer.
Also, if I have to for example write anessay or something like that I find it EXTREMELY difficult because I feel havea total chaos of thoughts in my head and it’ feels almost impossible for me toput them into some kind of order. Sometimes I feel I have something that I ‘dlike to write about but these thoughts are so chaotic, so vague that it’d takeme centuries to put them into some coherent sentence. And it’s so drainingalso.
I think I don’t like the whole processof doing something. I’d just like to have the outcome here and now. I feel likethe destination is so far away that I’d be dead from exhaustion before I reachit.
7) Describe us a time where you had a lot of fun. How is your memory of it?
When I was a kid (around 6) I used gooutside my house, taking with me all the „necessary” stuff like dolls,notebooks etc and walk around the house or in the open air and I was imaginingthat I was talking with someone, or that someone was chasing me and lots ofother pretty silly stuff. Sometimes when my cousin visited me we playedtogether or occasionally a friend from kindergarten/school came or after mysister grew up a bit we played together. I don’t really remember it that muchbut my mom said I used to play by myself and if someone told me to do somethingI never listened and always did what I wanted to do, that’s why parentsdescribe me as rebellious and defiant. I don’t really know how I felt at thattime (I mostly remember situations when I experienced negative emotions soyeah)but I just felt happy I think.
8) When you want to learn something new, what feels more natural for you? (Areyou more prone to be hands on, to theorize, to memorize, etc)
Right now I feel that I can’t learn anything new. I don’t know why. I’d likevery much to learn new language or even memorize new English or Japanese oreven psychological vocabulary but I tend to forget them very quickly. I don’tknow how I learnt what I know now. I just feel like it somehow attached itselfto me. Sometimes I feel that if something isn’t dear to me, doesn’t evoke somekinds of emotions in me then I will never memorize it because I simply doesn’tcare about at all.
9) How organized do you to think of yourself as?
Close to zero. Sometimes I think I unconsciously hate being organized or Idon’t know – I’m a total mess, just like my room. I can left the garbage pilingaround me and I couldn’t care less. Everything is just thrown around – myclothes laying with my dishes, books on the floor etc. Sometimes even I’mdisgusted with myself for being such a lazy bum but cleaning up just tires me.And I feel it doesn’t have any meaning because soon it’ll get messy again.
10) How do you judge new ideas? You try to understand the principles behind itto see if they make sense or do you look for information that supports it?
I don’t know. Stuff like ideas is too abstract for me to even try sayinganything concrete about it. For me everything makes sense and nothing makessense at all at the same time. I think that if the supposed idea doesn’t holdany meaning for me than I can’t say anything about it.
11) You find harmony by making sure everyone is doing fine and belonging to agiven group or by making sure that you follow what you believe and beingyourself?
I’m not sure. I think I feel better when I can at least deceive myself thateveryone loves each other and having a great time playing together but I knowthat it’s just a illusion. On the other hand if I feel that I’m just aninsignificant part of the whole, that I’m not special and people don’t payattention to me then I tend to feel upset and I usually I’d withdraw and leavethe group. I want to be the part of it, but when I finally gain that privilegethen I feel that something is wrong and I want to escape. And I do – that way Idestroyed many of my budding friendships, because I couldn’t stand that much ofcloseness, when I felt that someone’s presence was practically suffocating me –irritating me. It was almost disgusting. But I still want someone whom I couldcall a real friend even if I know that I’d grow to be fed up with him/her. So I don’t know.
12) Are you the kind that thinks before speaking or do you speak beforethinking? Do you prefer one-on-one communication or group discussions?
I tend to get lost in thinking so much that even when the actual discussionended I’m still mulling over that one thing that I intended to say but I didn’tin the end. Sometimes when I get really angry at myself I blurt out somethingstupid even in spite of myself but this sudden outburst either is to silly toget anyone’s attention or too insignificant and everyone just ignores it. Andthen I feel even worse I promise myself that I’d never speak up again.
And I hate speaking in large group(s). Iget totally paralyzed by everyone’s eyes. It’s like I’d like to be able to observeall their reactions to my words/actions but it’s impossible to see all of themat once and it’s a very uncomfortable feeling.
13) Do you jump into action right away or do you like to know where are youjumping before leaping? Does action speaks more than words?
I rarely do anything myself but I admire people who can do just one, eventrivial thing and it leaves tremendous, everlasting impression on others. Onthe other hand I feel a great deal of respect for people who struggle throughtheir whole life, have lots of complications, suffer injustice and cruelty andyet they don’t blame anyone but just keep going on (but I don’t like people whoact like life is all sugar spice and everything nice because they come out asfake to me)
I believe actions speaks more thanwords. I somehow can’t believe in anything one says (for example that he likesice creams or believes in human equality) until I have a prove in a concreteaction (for example, I must see him eating ice cream, but not ostentatiously infront of me, but accidently while walking through streets and seeing him eatingit) For me, words are only good when one wants to manipulate or deceive someone– the more one is a skillful diplomat the more I think he’s admirable. He canbewitch anyone with his words.
That said I think I’m still pretty naïveand I tend to believe in other people’s words. And I hate that in myself.
14) It's Saturday. You're at home, andyour favorite show is about to start. Your friends call you for a night out.What will you do?
If it was someone who I really like I’dregretfully but still refuse. Even more so if that something on TV that I wantto watch was something I adore – no doubt I’d prefer to stay and immerse myselfin my fantasy world. That’s also what I always do – even if I really want to goout, just for a change I still find it meaningless most of the time. Sometimesbecause I’m lazy, sometimes because I’m afraid that it’d turn out to morestressful than enjoyable to me and in the end a total waste of time. Even if mysister calls me and asks me to meet withher and go for a walk it’s hard for me to bring myself to go.
But sometimes when I’m a little fed upwith my fantasies I find myself craving for people’s presence.
15) How do you act when you're stressed out?
When I don’t know how to act I justwithdraw and basically try to move as little possible. But when I have to act,do something actually – I really don’t know. I feel that I’m making a totalidiot out of myself, that my actions are totally chaotic, that I make weirdfaces, gesture too much and too violently, basically that I’m very impulsive. Ihate myself when I’m like that.
When under stress I try to minimalizethe movements of my body as much as possible. I want to be seen as cold andcalm, even if inside me is a raging storm of emotions. But the mere thought ofletting others catch even a glimpse of that storm is unbearable to me. Thethought that they see, know how embarrassed and clumsy I am is so humiliatingto me…
16) What makes you dislike the personalities of some people?
Basically when others are good atsomething that I wish I was good at (for example, people who can speak Japanesefluently, people who were already in Japan etc) The funny thing is when I’malone in my room, totally immersed in my fantasies I somehow don’t care if thatparticular person is better than me in for example speaking Japanese, but when I’min my class and hear that person speaking I have this intense hatred and jealousywelling up inside me, but I know I can’t just get out of that place, at leastnot until the class has ended. So basically I don’t want to be around peoplewho have everything that I don’t have (that’s why probably I can’t stand people in general, because theyalways remind of all the things I feel I don’t have but want)
I admire people who are very artistic,who can create beautiful things but at the same time I resent them.
Also people who are overly optimistic,for example who say that they believe in love, justice all that sugary stufftend to irritate me to no ends. I feel like I’d like to make them suffer sothat they could see that life is not so sugary.
17) Is there anything you really like talking about with other people?
I rarely talk with others to begin with,and when I do it’s mostly trivialities like stuff about school, homeworks, thatstudying is pain in the ass etc. nothing really meaningful. I tend to like suchsmall talks because it’s safe and doesn’t exhaust me too much. I just saywhatever I feel is the safest thing to say (I tend to agree with whatever otherperson is saying like for example saying that I like when it’s sunny – becausethe other person talks about how she wants to go to the beach and get a tan –even though I hate sun, heat, humidness and I’d rather stay indoors)
I don’t even imagine talking with otherperson about some more serious stuff even if sometimes I’d love too. When I wasin high school I once tried to start such a conversation with my closest friendat that time but I felt that it made her somehow uncomfortable so I stopped andnever tried it again. In fact my closest friends in high school where myfriends precisely because I never talked with them about serious stuff – theywere perfect for light fun, telling jokes, doing pranks, but that’s all.
I rarely even try talking with my sisterlike that because I feel like I’m boring her. So most of my thoughts just stayin my head.
The other problem is that 99% of thetime I can’t even pin down my thoughts or say for sure what’s my take onsomething. Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t really have anything inside myhead just bubbles that pretend to be thoughts and that’s why I can never have aserious conversation with anyone. I feel that I still don’t know so manythings, the most basic things that others know and that it disqualifies me as apartner for any kind of meaningful conversation. Like I can only talk abouttrivialities. And I think that all in all it’s not so bad because at least Idon’t have to pretend that I’m smarter than I am. And like I’ve already writtenit doesn’t exhaust me so much.
18) What kind of things do you pay the least attention to in your life?
I feel that I don’t pay enough attentionto anything in my life. But I’d like to.
19) How do your friends perceive you? What is wrong about their perception? ?What would your friends never say about your personality ?
I don’t know and that’s the problem. I want to know but I feel that if I askedI’d somehow affect their opinion of me, like they would feel that they’re compelledto answer me and wouldn’t answer truthfully.
And while I think I’d agree withwhatever someone would say about me deep down I’d try to do something thatwould disagree with their description.
20) You got a whole day to do whatever you like. What kind of activities do youfeel like doing?
The thing I do 99% of the time – sittingin front of my computer, listening to music, watching anime or reading fanficsand immersing myself into my fantasies. Sometimes when I feel like I should dosomething more productive I try to study some Japanese or just like to skimover some blogs. That’s all. Basically I do nothing but waste my time. I feel totallyempty.
Sometimes when I get a little fed upwith my fantasies to try to clean up the mess around me(I usually end upthrowing garbage into the bin and sweeping the floor)
To tell the truth writing all of thisstuff about me was really tiring and I stopped many times and thought about givingup writing it altogether.
Also I have this very uncomfortablefeeling when I’m writing about myself – I don’t even know how to describe it.I’d just prefer that all I’ve written stayed inside my head and never leave it.But I think I managed to write it down somewhere.
Thank you to all of you who took theirtime to read my ramblings. And I'm sorry for the post being so long!