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Well... first of all, I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't come back here after the first embarrassing thread I wrote while I wasn't in the best place in my life. I cringe just remembering it, but the community here is really nice... so thank you.

Honestly I'm making this looking for reassurance. I always joked about how my personality types made me nothing more than a narcissistic emo... but yesterday I came across a quote about how narcissists just want attention (good or bad) and even though it didn't relate that much to me, I figured I would make a narcissism test online just because. While I was reading the questions, I started freaking out because I could see a few characteristics akin to me; I'm very self-absorbed. The door from my personal Wonderland is a bit far from where I stand.

I like being praised and told I'm special.
I like having a say in almost everything.
I want to be "the chosen one".
I often catch myself feeling superior than everyone else.
It can get very difficult for me to listen to other's people's problems because I feel like I'm overflowing with mine.
I never pay attention to anything or anyone that doesn't feed my personal beliefs.
I know how to "hook" people.
I tend to hide my feelings from my family because I want to be taken seriously.
I'm extremely scared of bad criticism because I feel like deep down, I don't deserve it (and because I have social anxiety).

I know INFP's are basically thirsty for validation and the way they empathize is by imagining themselves in other people's shoes and feeling what they would be feeling if they were that underdog. So, yeah, I'm not apathetic but everything eventually revolves around me. :unsure:

I also now INFP's are very concern with intent and so am I.

Perhaps the problem is my Maladaptive Daydreaming and how that blooms in me. Everything in my alternate world is centered around romance and my alternate world lover never tires of reminding me how magically special I am; even if I put myself down quite a lot, he never gives up on me (except one time when he finally realized how I was eventually breathing his soul out and unleashed... but, whatever, I always make up a happy ending :love_heart:).

Let's just say I like being the damsel in distress, so I can't help but think that anyone who gets caught up in my web will eventually have an experience with me resembling a black widow. And they would try to pick me up every time I fall but it's as hopeless as picking up soap, I always end up putting myself down. -I love being saved.

Still most times I talk myself down and block people's compliments because I feel as if I let it settle in I would become the baddest, coldest b*tch in town.

I started with my Maladaptive Daydreaming especially because no one truly cared about me growing up. Everyone always preferred someone or something else than me.

Let's also point out I have OCD and I've freaked out about turning Schizophrenic and having Borderline Personality Disorder, so I can't help but feel that it has a lot to blame for my anxiety about this right now.

I know I'm at a rather unhealthy 4 level but I still don't feel like a true narcissist. I feel more threaten than welcomed in a crowd and I swear, even in my daydreams I effing hate it when I catch myself manipulating people. I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I seriously want to be good. —But what for? For being worthy. Yet... don't we all yearn for validation, one way or another? Still, the idea of being a monster is killing me. :crying:

I already talked with my mom and she told me she'd take me to a psychologist. I could barely stop crying last night.

And if someone is wondering, I scored 14-15 out of 40 in the test I took. But I just don't know, I only know I do have some issues I've got to address.

So what do you guys think? Is it just expected and normal traits of my personality types that OCD is making mountains out of molehills about, or...?

Help, please. :sad:
 

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Please don't self diagnose with online tests. If you're that worried, see a professional.

Having said that while most narcissists know they're narcissists, they aren't terribly worried about it. Plus a characteristic of pathological narcissism is a lack of empathy. Your post doesn't strike me as lacking in that.


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