[none]

Hello INTPs, I am an INFP who is crazy about an INTP who I cannot be with.

Here goes the story: Sometime back, I flew literally across earth to stay for some months. There, I met an INTP by chance. An odd but intense chemistry evolved in an extremely short period of time. It was odd because he made no attempt at all to hide his INTP-ish flaws but despite his glaring flaws, I cannot help but finding myself having a close connection with someone for the first time in 27 years (I know, that's sad.).

After some time together, he told me he experienced an "intense romance". That kinda left me a little stumped at first because our experiences were more mental/verbal/discussion based, rather than a fuzzy warm emotional kind, not the most traditional form of romance. It wasn't important though, I didn't care too much for romance- I cared for his presence which was strangely comforting, as though we have already known each other forever. He also admitted to feeling an unusual connection with me. We were together for a couple of months.

But here is how the story ends. I had to go back home, across earth. So back I went, assuming that he will soon forget me, because of his detachment and uncaring nature towards people in general. As for me, I assumed I will be fine because I get over relationships fast (I have a strong T for an INFP). However, he surprisingly did not forget my existence and talks to me online from time to time, about concepts and ideas he is working on.

8 months down the road. I am flabbergasted at my recurring dreams about him, still devastated that he is not with me. I never told him about my intense feelings ever, because I have witnessed how scared he is of emotions or at least, emotional outbursts. Also, I heard that INTPs lose interest fast anyway, so I don't want to sound stupid talking about how I feel at this point and losing a friend.

Honestly, I have absolutely no clue how much emotions INTP can take from another person, and I am unsure about even saying a simple condensed version of my feelings such as "I miss you". It is just so unsettling to bottle up how I feel, and I wonder is it wise to tell him how I feel just for the sake of letting it out?

 

[ENTrePenuer]

Say how you feel.
fin.

 

[SaraBell]

You should tell him how you feel...don't bombard him with your emotions, just state them simply and let him have time (if he needs it) to figure out how to respond. As an INTP I have never forgotten one person that I have had a very strong connection with because it happens so rarely (2 people in my lifetime) and I think of them often.

 

[thewindlistens]

It's a choice between telling him and regretting not telling him. What's the worst thing that could go wrong? He doesn't care about you as much as you'd hoped. You're already getting there simply by not saying anything and letting time pass.

Also, we're not detached from people any more than an INFP is. Just from emotions, mostly our own, from the point of view of a feeler. We do feel them all the time, you know, it's just that there's other stuff more comfortable for us to focus on.

 

[pro at filing]

The thing about INTPs losing interest quickly doesn't apply to someone they have formed a bond with, I would say. When it's a friendship bond also, but especially a romantic one. I think it's highly unlikely an INTP will forget someone in your kind of situation. He probably feels pretty much exactly the same way about you as when you left.
Negative emotional outbursts are quite unpleasant, yes, and even positive ones may be xenic at times, but I doubt you would end up in an outburst. Being told that one is intensely liked, on the other hand, is something I can't see how anyone would say no to ... with one relativization, if someone tells me they like me and I don't feel that way about them, I can worry if I'm going to handle the situation in some way that will end up hurting that person. But I don't think that's something that should stop you, even if I were to worry in said manner, I personally would feel enriched by the experience.
Just don't expect him to be able to do much about it, practical solving of your distance issue I mean ...

 

[j3321]

I don't lost interest fast. I've been stuck on girls that have dumped me for months and months. You just couldn't tell. I'm also not opposed to emotional experiences I just probably won't be the one to do them. I don't mind hearing them from another person but I probably won't muster one up myself. Not capable even.

 

[Radiant Flux]

I don't really see why this is such a big issue. It is true that we INTPs do not like to deal with emotions, but it's not as if we'll explode if we do. You seem pretty calm about the whole thing, so as long as you don't start sobbing or something, I'm sure you'll be able to tell him.

 

[madame cabanis]

This is a difficult dilemma to address. Even if he is a "stereotypical" INTP, you can't expect him to react "stereotypically." I think you should do what's best for you first. You know how you feel, how you will react. So do it for yourself (whichever course you take) and just confront things as they happen.

 

[steven1989pdx]

Dear Sensitive, Feeling INFP,

As a romantically inclined INTP, I can tell you that not all of us get bored easily. In fact, an interesting human keeps my attention above all tangible things as long as there is substance and wit.

Outwardly expressing your feelings may push him away. I've read that INFP's can be highly insecure and irrational; I would go running the other way if someone was going crazy over me, even if there was a short period of "intense" connection. Stick it out, impress with intelligence, compliment and suggest ideas to further enhance his, and remember express your feelings in a more stoic manner than you usually would. Things are much clearer when emotion has diminished or is non-existent anyway. I honestly hope this helps you.

 

[noosabar]

I dont have much to add apart from, thats beautiful.

 

[steven1989pdx]

heh.

 

[pro at filing]

This is great ... how often do INTPs usually get to try and bring two people together?
roud:

 

[steven1989pdx]

Well, not often I would assume!

 

[JoetheBull]

INTPs aren't as heartless as people assume. We don't lose interest in people we made a real connection(like someone already said) to or have a crush on. I am sure there are some who try to live the Vulcan lifestyle of pure logic. According to a website Vulcans were more like INTJs. But that's not the point. But some of us are hopeless romantics and watch romantic comedies despite the over the top emotional scenes that annoys us so. We learn to put up with it time to time since it's illogical to have an overly logical romance since its obvious that love normally involves some form of chaos to it. Oh dear God what am I saying? :laughing: That was an interesting and most likely useless rant. Tell him how you feel and try to not go overboard with the emotions other wise he will need a bit to gather what happened. Sorry if I wasn't any help

 

[zephryi]

I would just like to say if you decide to say how you feel, his reactions may or may not be what you expect. I know whenever someone says something "overly positive" to me, whether a "well done" comment, or something like, "You're a good friend," I tend to think about the comment, think over a suitable response, and reply in an underwhelming way even if I'm very pleased and happy. Emotional comments can be a bit hard to deal with, especially when they are directed at you, but they don't make INTPs blow up, so it's all good. : D Just a thought, in case it's helpful.

More related, I don't think you'll have an issue if you do- from what it sounds like, it sounds like you have connected. This: "our experiences were more mental/verbal/discussion based" reminds me of interactions with my friends when I've felt the closest to them- I love anyone who is willing to interact on the mental plane. Plus, if he's already mentioned romance, well~

 

[Life.Is.A.Game]

I'm a female INTP so i don't know if i'm similar to the guys but i'm guessing so. I don't usually keep connections with anyone and I hate talking on the phone, unless if the other person calls me, so the only time i'd actually want to keep contact with someone is if it really interested me, and usually if i thought it would go somewhere. When I liked someone in the past, i always waited for the other person to make the first step, i didn't want to seem embarassed, and there were times when i felt connection with guys i wanted to be with, and they seemed like it too but it didn't go anywhere because both of us didn't want to feel rejected, and later on, years later, after i was in relationship, we met online and found out the guy liked me whole lot, but usually, if someone doesn't tell me that, i don't know it, and if like the person and don't see any signs back from that person, i ignore my feelings towards them and move on. But after i broke up with my b/f at the time, i connected with the one guys because even though so much time passed, the connection was never forgotton.

He might think you moved on since you haven't mentioned how you feel. I am not one to read between the lines, someone can tell me i'm the coolest person ever and i'm fun and great and blah blah but if they don't say "i have feelings for you" i'd never know.

We have more feelings then we like to admit, i guess it depends on the strength of the T or F, i think i'm pretty in touch with my feelings even though everyone else seems to see me as a cold hearted monster. Only my close friends know the real me, they see me as the nicest person ever, and that's what I appreciate, and that's why they're my friends. Because they can see past the "poker face" i like to show.

 

[RhamielAngel]

Almost everything that needs to be said here, has been adressed by the many intelligent INTPs out there. :laughing:

The main point that I wish to elaborate on, is the assumption that INTPs are heartless because we are thinking functions. I've never been more flabbergasted at an idea such as that before. From what I've come to understand, INTPs love rarely, but hard. If someone, somehow, captivates me, it's like some sort of magic that I simply cannot resist, despite my logic, despite my desire to stay away from things that make me vulnerable. Just the mere fact that he's kept in contact with you all this time, means something. Just the fact that he finds you smart enough to handle his theories, means something.

To sum it up, you've got something here. The only way to know for sure what it is, is to bring it up to him, honestly and as straightforward as possible. My guess is that he'll spend a lot of time thinking about it, but no matter what, he will reach a conclusion and let you know what it is. Whether it means that he wants to see you again and rekindle the romance, or that it's simply not there anymore, chances are: he'll let you know.

There's nothing to be afraid of. We are all just humans after all.

 

[virginia]

Now I'm curious, let us know what happened after you talked to him. =)

Also, it is probably better to contact him online... so you can think better while expressing your feelings, and also because, idk about the other INTPs, but I hate when ppl call me/contact me through phone. I never know what to say.

 

[starri]

You have been hiding all your feelings so far. So he likes the version of you that has been evasive towards any form of emotional expression. As much as I would like to encourage you to express how you feel, do know that if it does work out between you, you will be hiding a lot of how you feel from now on. (except if you really are that T-ish of an INFP)

Also, he may not lose interest quick.. but it is highly unlikely that he will take actions quick either. (like traveling halfway across the globe)

That being said, I do wish you all the luck there is as you seem to be a very nice person. :happy:

 

[eruceht]

I think your concern is unfounded. If I had confessed to someone that I had an "intense romance" with them I'm certain that I'm not going to be put off by them telling me they have deep feelings for me. How do you know that he doesn't feel the same and just afraid to tell you? We are not good at dealing with crazy emotional outburst coming from people we don't have a close relationship with, but it sounds like you already have that. Just don't call him up out of the blue and tell him you love him and are flying out tonight to be with him forever. Start out suddle and build up to it. I have never forgotten someone I have been close to no matter how many years have passed and no matter how short the relationship was. Good luck!