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Need advice from some ESTJ's

4374 Views 13 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  kept81213
I am an ENFP dating an ESTJ right now and, as anyone might guess, we could not be more different. Am currently finding myself having a lot of struggles in regards to this and basically its a totally different way of seeing the world, reacting to events, etc. Am just wondering if any ESTJ's out there have ever dated an ENFP before and how that went (or, didn't go as I am starting to feel about my current relationship). Very interested in any feedback, thanks
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Thanks for your advice. Black and white, controlling.... check and check. He is very open to communicating about these things, and he is aware of his own flaws and how his behavior can affect others. Due to his own childhood experiences and upbringing he has some problems being vocal with his emotions naturally and has been very honest with me about this and even said, if you feel like I didn't give you good feedback emotionally, just let me know and I will try to give you a better response. This is sweet that he is self-aware about this and willing to change, but as an ENFP who is constantly scanning my environment for context clues about whether or not the person I am with is happy, sad, etc his "aloofness", as I perceive it, is very confusing for me and I constantly feel this sense of start, stop, an unsureness, so to speak and its a difficult thing for me to feel. Another problem I have noticed is that I get the sense that he sees me as being a person who is not as sure of herself in conversations that are serious or discussions about our relationship, when in reality (or "my reality") I just have a tendency to ramble a bit more and discuss my feelings rather than strict facts and logic, as he does. He also has a sense that I am passive and has told me that he doesn't see the independent, outgoing personality that I have told him I tend to lean towards. I know that a big part of this has to do with not feeling super comfortable around him, and I think that has to do with the fact that our personality's may just be incompatible -- I don't feel comfortable around him because I sense that he perceives me as being passive, that makes me uncomfortable and unhappy and its a vicious cycle.
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Thanks for your input and feedback, its probably true that we may not be compatible, and I don't think it all has to do with just our differing personality types-- I really think he is exhibiting signs of being on the rebound, despite what he says to the contrary- which makes sense, in all honesty, a lot of people on the rebound don't realize they are or don't want to recognize that. He dated someone for 7 years and things were really rocky the last few years (they were engaged, but he called off the wedding yet continued to try to work things out for a couple years) - The last year they were together he had totally emotionally checked out and he was talking a lot with a girl who had a lot of the qualities he felt were lacking in his long term relationship (he is super methodical and meticulous about cleanliness and he felt like the woman he was with was always leaving things half done, plus he is a super in shape guy and the woman he was with gained about 40 pounds and he just didn't feel sexually attracted to her anymore even though she was and still is, one of his best friends) - Anyway so he was basically emotionally cheating with this other girl and after he finally broke up with the woman he was engaged to...He jumped right into the new relationship and things were super rocky right away- lots of red flags that he uncharacteristically ignored. Long story short, she ended up cheating on him and they argued and fought all the time, which is totally not his natural way of communicating, that much is obvious. So anyway, in typical ENFP fashion, I want to try to "help him" and be there for him, and about a month into things I confessed that I felt often that it seemed like he needs more of a friend than a girlfriend, he was very surprised by this and didn't see things that way.......I think I have been writing off a lot of warning signs as being things that are part of his "personality type" as he is more methodical and not as prone to emotions and feelings -- but I am starting to wonder if in reality its that he is not emotionally ready for a new relationship. (He broke up with the ex fiance last November, started dating the new girl in December/January.......and that ended in early August. We have been dating since the early October....) He constantly is re-hashing the problems with the ex and also has said things, that honestly, I don't want to hear, as much as I am happy to be there and be a listening ear. For example, he told me how his last relationship was only maintained for as long as it was because they had a lot of passion, and sort of talked about how both of them admitted at the time that it was the best sex they had ever had.... So I think I try to rationalize this and tell myself, well he is a total facts guy who isn't saying this to try to hurt my feelings, stop being such a sensitive NF.........But, seriously its hard for me to feel connected in a new relationship when this type of behavior is going on.
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Additionally, it feels hard for me to open up and be completely honest with him because his personality and temperment do intimidate me. I am used to people being "charmed" by me and that is what makes me feel open and he is just oblivious to that type of thing it seems like...Now don't get me wrong, he has so many wonderful qualities and we do have lots of positives, otherwise I wouldn't be still seeing him....
thanks for the advice, honestly I do not think that he is hung up on the last girl in the sense that he wants to be with her, I really just think he is upset that he let himself be fooled, he is a very intelligent guy and like he said, his mom told him, he is the last of her kids she would expect to get fooled by someone, too smart for all the red flags normally
Anyway, things have been better, but I guess I will just have to see how things go.....I don't know if this is an ESTJ thing or just his personality, he is in a career that def makes a person lean towards the strict, structured side of life and as a pretty laid back person its been a definite adaption for me, but I have been making every effort and I genuinely enjoy the differences between us
Again thanks for the input!
That's funny that you say that he seems like he is in the military- He is actually not, he's a surgeon (just as methodical and meticulous with that field) - But he often states that he would have loved to have been in the military or the air force.

Its very true that I like him for being so grounded, I have dated guys that were closer to my personality type and they mostly just bugged me because I really respect people who are hard working and structured and responsible.

Recently, I had some personal problems and he has really been there for me. Its obvious that he loves to be a caretaker. Honestly, I am realizing from doing reading about personality types that his way of showing he cares is by just being there and by being together, while mine is much more by being affectionate, sharing feelings and loving and caring. I think we both are confused by the others way of showing feelings but I am trying to recognize that just because he doesn't always feel comfortable talking about his feelings and is not emotional, his presence and the way he takes care of me is his way of showing his feelings.

I don't think he even always realizes that the things he says hurt me and are as critical as they come across...Sometimes we will be out with friends and he will say something and I can see by the way they look taken aback that they think it was rude or shocking, and I have just become accustomed to this, or at least desensitized a little bit. But it still hurts and I realize that the relationships with friends in which I flourish the most I never feel that sense of puppy dog hurt. And things like that often make me feel like we are wrong for each other - I don't want to be a complainer and if I know that I am this hurt often, I should perhaps acknowledge that we just shouldn't be together. Thanks so much for your insights and help, it means a lot.
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