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Need advice from some ESTJ's

4372 Views 13 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  kept81213
I am an ENFP dating an ESTJ right now and, as anyone might guess, we could not be more different. Am currently finding myself having a lot of struggles in regards to this and basically its a totally different way of seeing the world, reacting to events, etc. Am just wondering if any ESTJ's out there have ever dated an ENFP before and how that went (or, didn't go as I am starting to feel about my current relationship). Very interested in any feedback, thanks
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struggles about being married to an enfp

Hi there

I am new here, but i am definitely not new to the struggles with being in a relationship with an enfp. I am an estj married to an enfp for more than five years. and I must say it has been very hard, though I know it is harder for my husband than it is for me. Reading your entries, Amy Lynn, is such a good reminder for me to be gracious to my husband, and I know it is really really hard for you. I feel almost hypocritical saying that, since I can so identify with the behaviour of your partner, as I am also a check check and cleanliness person, though for the cleanliness part it has only become like that because I had such a bad invasion of bugs in my parents' place when I was growing up. I vowed never to have them invade my life again! Sigh. Anyway back to the behaviour of an estj - yes we are very very critical. I cringe when I think about the things I have said to my husband, when my sense of order and structure and safety is being threatened. Sadly, I can never take my words back.

But I look forward to making things better. You are right, estjs are very attracted to order and structure sort of work. I worked in the military, and I suspect your partner may be in the same line? The funny thing is even if the work is not inherently structured, estjs are wonderful at creating structure. But the good thing is that I am no longer able to work in this way, because being such a high strung person, I developed a sleep problem that I am no longer employable in a full capacity. It is sad sometimes, because I have so much to contribute, but I am not sorry about it in the end, because it kept my sanity, and most importantly, it showed me what immense love my husband has for me. My husband stayed awake when I could not sleep, and he helps me relax and tries very hard to provide for me and reassure me. I bonded with him through adversity. Ever since I stopped work, I had time to reflect and rest, and am therefore always reminded to try and keep things simple, and to learn that I can never control everything. What helps is my husband and I keep very separate places for our daily activities, in an attempt to avoid conflict, and for a while we had the luxury of having separate toilets and bathroom. It helped, tremendously.

As to why he loves me, well I think enfps should know it is very hard for them to state factually why they love, but for the times my husband managed to share factually, he just said he admired me for always trying to be the best to people, and for always trying to be unyielding in in the face of evil. He always says he rests secure in the knowledge that I would not betray him, and he says enfp men will not fall for women who are flighty and ungrounded. So maybe Amy Lynn, you may be in love with your partner because you feel he is grounded? I can only say that as an enfp, you are most wonderful as a support giver, and as estjs, we are usually most wonderful in setting an example or inspiration for bringing social betterment and for trying to maintain our integrity. In finding a common ground to build love, there needs to be a lot of space giving. You can start by giving physical space, and gradually see how you can create some emotional space as well. You may find that you and your partner will blossom in the relationship better, or you may discover that the space is so great that you actually really enjoy being alone and without him. In this case, then you will know it is time to move on.

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