Need advice! Getting along with 6s: Openness and Honesty

1906 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by pinkrasputin, Dec 2, 2010

moonleaf

Discussion Starter · Oct 4, 2010

Need some insight!!

I (type 9) recently came into a situation with my roommate of two weeks. I'm generally intuitive about people's feelings, and a couple days ago I sensed that she was unhappy with me somehow. From previous discussion, I had the (incorrect) impression that she had wanted a closer, more emotionally connected relationship with me, and I realized that I hadn't been spending quality personal time with her, and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person). The email was sent after she had gone to sleep.

The next morning, she still seemed uneasy, so I had asked her boyfriend (who I am close friends with) how I should go about approaching her about it, and through that contact I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction. At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me. I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.

Seeing as she lied to me about this, I don't know how to go about the situation further and ended up finding out today that she's a type 6. In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?

I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness. We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms. I was considering confronting her about her dishonesty and asking if what she wants with me is a relationship without honesty when it comes to conflict, but considering she lied to me about being unhappy with me, I don't imagine that she would admit to having lied to me. But then again, there's the idea that we would get along if I were to be open and honest, which makes me think I should confront her and tell her about my preference for a more open and honest relationship.

According to the levels on the Enneagram Institute page on type 6s, from my observations of her, she seems like a level 5:

To resist having more demands made on them, they react against others passive-aggressively. Become evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, and ambivalent. Are highly reactive, anxious, and negative, giving contradictory, "mixed signals." Internal confusion makes them react unpredictably.

And for more background information, we became roommates because she got a job in another state away from home, and would be long distance with her boyfriend for a few months. She invited me to come stay with her for those few months so that she would feel more secure and have some sort of social support, since she was going to be away from the rest of her social support structure. I was one of the options she was considering because I am close friends with her boyfriend and my living and work situation allowed for the flexibility of going there with her for just a few months.

Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?

So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point? I'd like your insights please! Thank you~

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nosilla

· #2 · Oct 8, 2010

So I read this a few days ago. But then I thought that I wouldn't post a reply because I am just starting to understand myself as a Type 6... and I wouldn't want to give you false information. But since nobody else has replied, here I am.

moonleaf said:
...and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person).

That was a very smart move, I think. I absolutely hate thinking on the spot when some else confronts me in person.

moonleaf said:
... I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction. At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me. I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.

I would do this too- I absolutely hate conflict, and I will go so far out of my way to try and make things less stressful for both parties. Maybe she thinks that she can just "suck it up" and get over herself being upset about something. Maybe she has doubts about whether or not the reason for her being upset is justified.
What confuses me is the "not a very deep person" statement by her. Maybe she thinks that you want more than she's willing to give. I don't know about that whole thing though...

moonleaf said:
In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?

I like it when I know everyone else's ideas/motives/feelings, but I don't like for others to know mine. Because sometimes other people's feelings influence my own (I read about a trait like this from a Type 6 page somewhere...). I appreciate and like how you told her about your feelings, but maybe she doesn't feel like she has to tell you about her feelings. Maybe she doesn't even know or can't articulate what she is upset about. I know that for me to want an open, honest relationship is a really big thing for me, and to actually say it out loud and plan it is very hard. That would make her vulnerable, and maybe she hasn't realized yet that an honest relationship is what this situation needs the most. Maybe she thinks that she can get by right now or even save the relationship if she hides her feelings. I would suggest to tell her that no matter what she is upset about, that you will work with her to fix it, and that her feelings are completely justified, or else she wouldn't be feeling them. I would be more receptive if someone told me that.

moonleaf said:
I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness.

Again, maybe she doesn't know herself. There are so many times when I KNOW that I'm upset with someone, but it takes me some time to figure out the direct/root cause of exactly why I am mad. I might be mad at my younger sister for not calling me at a specific time, and fight with her about it- but it will take me some time to realize that I'm angry because I feel like she doesn't respect me. And even then I will feel that it is unjustified, so I keep it locked up and only fight with her about the phone call- not about the root problem.

moonleaf said:
We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms.

There you go! Maybe you need to reassure her this time beforehand, and maybe she will come out and tell you. Tell her that you won't stop being roommates, and that you will both work on communicating better so that you CAN be roommates for as long as needed. Type 6 people want to be assured that they will have stability and support (like maintaining one's financial stability or home life) no matter how we feel. Sometimes we won't acknowledge what we feel if we fear that it will affect those areas.

moonleaf said:
Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?

YES.

moonleaf said:
So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point?

I don't know if pushing is the right way to go for this situation. She'll come to you when she is ready. Maybe she just wishes that it wouldn't take talking about it to make it go away, and she is secretly "sweeping" the problem "under the rug". (I know I can get caught up and just ignore problems because I wish I didn't have to talk with other people about them)
I think that if you re-state your feelings, you might not get the result that you want. If that happened to me, I would assume that you think I'm stupid or incompetent, or that maybe you're one of those people who love and obsess over every emotion/feeling that they have. You might scare her a bit.
Just reinforce that everything will remain constant if she tells you why she's upset. Then suggest that you both work on the problem TOGETHER. That would bring you closer, but without having to necessarily talk about emotions and all of that uncertain stuff.

I really hoped this helped. Because I have no idea if I'm just rambling about myself in this situation or talking about Type 6s. Haha.

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Random Ness

· #3 · Oct 15, 2010

If she's not telling you what's upsetting her, then that's her problem, since you've done everything you can do. I guess you could give her some distance until she actually does open up. If ever. Right now this relationship's at her expense. If you start feeling awkward or bad being in the relationship, then it becomes your problem too, and you'll have to confront her again.

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Village Carpenter

· #4 · Nov 28, 2010

In your conversations with her, are you trying to talk about really personal issues? Sixes don't like to get too close to people because they're afraid they'll be smothered. They like to be near people, but they don't want super intimate friendships. It creeps them out. Please don't think I'm calling you creepy; I adore nines. You're sweethearts. But I'm wondering that, if she's an average six, she might not be healthy enough for the close-type relationships that nines seem to crave.

I guess I'd back off and find other friends. Sounds like she may have some issues that need to be resolved before she can be (if ever) the kind of friend you'd like to have.

Nines need to be around people who appreciate their kindness and thoughtfulness. :happy:

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pinkrasputin

· #5 · Dec 2, 2010

moonleaf said:
From previous discussion, I had the (incorrect) impression that she had wanted a closer, more emotionally connected relationship with me, and I realized that I hadn't been spending quality personal time with her, and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person).

To be quite honest, my most immediate reaction to something like this could be fear. Originally, she may have pulled away from you not because of anything you did, but because she felt like she was getting close.

I realize that you wrote your letter with best intentions, but it would have been a bit much for me. I probably wouldn't come out of my room much if you were home. Stuff like that can be overwhelming.

The next morning, she still seemed uneasy, so I had asked her boyfriend (who I am close friends with) how I should go about approaching her about it, and through that contact I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction.

She really may just be feeling awkward about the closeness. Really. Maybe you misinterpreted her aloofness or stand-offishness as her being upset at you. She probably just needs to breath and relax so she can think.

At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction.

That is her being honest. Everything is fine and dandy. She was reassuring you because she probably got the dl from her boyfriend. And then she went on to explain to you the reason for her behavior- she doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. I think she is just frightened of it and it is coming at her too fast perhaps.

In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me.

I don't think she was lying, I think she was becoming freaked out in all honesty. Saying that everything is "perfect" might have been her way of saying "Please stop! You don't need to do anything else! You're fine, I just don't want to get that close."

I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.

When I have a boyfriend, I really don't get that personal even with my closest girlfriend. It gets a bit too much for me if they want to hang out too much. Your closeness and effort to dig deeper into the relationship could be the very thing that she is running from. It's not your fault. But I think you should trust her words more. You're trying to get into her head too much and it might be bothering her and overworking you. If she is actually upset with you, she is a big girl and can tell you. Otherwise, just let it go. But let me ask you, are you perhaps upset with her? Why are you trying to guess her thoughts so much? What is frustrating you about her? Has she actually ever done anything to you? Is it maybe the way she behaves around you that you don't like and you wish she were different? That may not happen. She just maybe the type of person who remains aloof and sticks her head out of her shell every now and then.

Seeing as she lied to me about this, I don't know how to go about the situation further and ended up finding out today that she's a type 6. In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?

I appreciate honesty from others. I want the cards out all on the table. I will do the same. But I don't like someone guessing my thoughts at all. And I also need to slowly warm up to people. If I move in with a friend, I will probably try to create mental distance, otherwise I will feel suffocated. I won't want to hang out with you as much because now I am also living with you.

I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness. We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms. I was considering confronting her about her dishonesty and asking if what she wants with me is a relationship without honesty when it comes to conflict, but considering she lied to me about being unhappy with me, I don't imagine that she would admit to having lied to me. But then again, there's the idea that we would get along if I were to be open and honest, which makes me think I should confront her and tell her about my preference for a more open and honest relationship.

According to the levels on the Enneagram Institute page on type 6s, from my observations of her, she seems like a level 5:

And for more background information, we became roommates because she got a job in another state away from home, and would be long distance with her boyfriend for a few months. She invited me to come stay with her for those few months so that she would feel more secure and have some sort of social support, since she was going to be away from the rest of her social support structure. I was one of the options she was considering because I am close friends with her boyfriend and my living and work situation allowed for the flexibility of going there with her for just a few months.

Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?

So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point? I'd like your insights please! Thank you~

Yeah, so all the work you are doing for her, ie discovering her enneagram and reading it, is stuff I'm used to doing for a boyfriend. It would weird me out a little having a friend do all that for me. I think you are genuine for doing so and I realize your heart is in the right place, but I'm just letting you know how fearful that could make me.

Village Carpenter said:
Sixes don't like to get too close to people because they're afraid they'll be smothered. They like to be near people, but they don't want super intimate friendships. It creeps them out.

Yes. This ^^^^. Too much too quickly is a bit hard. I honestly don't think you would ever get the deepness out of me you desired, especially if I had a boyfriend. I think you should probably spend time developing your other relationships and just let her come to you. If you get exhausted by all this, that is understandable. You're someone who is not afraid of closeness and should have the connections you desire. But it doesn't sound like it's going to come from her. Don't exhaust yourself. Even if she was mad at you for something deep down, you don't want to cater to anyone's passive aggressiveness. You've already been working too hard trying to read her mind and figure her out. You're okay. Go out and have some fun with others.

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