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· MOTM Nov 2010
11,773 Posts
From previous discussion, I had the (incorrect) impression that she had wanted a closer, more emotionally connected relationship with me, and I realized that I hadn't been spending quality personal time with her, and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person).
To be quite honest, my most immediate reaction to something like this could be fear. Originally, she may have pulled away from you not because of anything you did, but because she felt like she was getting close.

I realize that you wrote your letter with best intentions, but it would have been a bit much for me. I probably wouldn't come out of my room much if you were home. Stuff like that can be overwhelming.

The next morning, she still seemed uneasy, so I had asked her boyfriend (who I am close friends with) how I should go about approaching her about it, and through that contact I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction.
She really may just be feeling awkward about the closeness. Really. Maybe you misinterpreted her aloofness or stand-offishness as her being upset at you. She probably just needs to breath and relax so she can think.

At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction.
That is her being honest. Everything is fine and dandy. She was reassuring you because she probably got the dl from her boyfriend. And then she went on to explain to you the reason for her behavior- she doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. I think she is just frightened of it and it is coming at her too fast perhaps.

In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me.
I don't think she was lying, I think she was becoming freaked out in all honesty. Saying that everything is "perfect" might have been her way of saying "Please stop! You don't need to do anything else! You're fine, I just don't want to get that close."

I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.
When I have a boyfriend, I really don't get that personal even with my closest girlfriend. It gets a bit too much for me if they want to hang out too much. Your closeness and effort to dig deeper into the relationship could be the very thing that she is running from. It's not your fault. But I think you should trust her words more. You're trying to get into her head too much and it might be bothering her and overworking you. If she is actually upset with you, she is a big girl and can tell you. Otherwise, just let it go. But let me ask you, are you perhaps upset with her? Why are you trying to guess her thoughts so much? What is frustrating you about her? Has she actually ever done anything to you? Is it maybe the way she behaves around you that you don't like and you wish she were different? That may not happen. She just maybe the type of person who remains aloof and sticks her head out of her shell every now and then.

Seeing as she lied to me about this, I don't know how to go about the situation further and ended up finding out today that she's a type 6. In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?
I appreciate honesty from others. I want the cards out all on the table. I will do the same. But I don't like someone guessing my thoughts at all. And I also need to slowly warm up to people. If I move in with a friend, I will probably try to create mental distance, otherwise I will feel suffocated. I won't want to hang out with you as much because now I am also living with you.

I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness. We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms. I was considering confronting her about her dishonesty and asking if what she wants with me is a relationship without honesty when it comes to conflict, but considering she lied to me about being unhappy with me, I don't imagine that she would admit to having lied to me. But then again, there's the idea that we would get along if I were to be open and honest, which makes me think I should confront her and tell her about my preference for a more open and honest relationship.

According to the levels on the Enneagram Institute page on type 6s, from my observations of her, she seems like a level 5:

And for more background information, we became roommates because she got a job in another state away from home, and would be long distance with her boyfriend for a few months. She invited me to come stay with her for those few months so that she would feel more secure and have some sort of social support, since she was going to be away from the rest of her social support structure. I was one of the options she was considering because I am close friends with her boyfriend and my living and work situation allowed for the flexibility of going there with her for just a few months.

Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?

So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point? I'd like your insights please! Thank you~
Yeah, so all the work you are doing for her, ie discovering her enneagram and reading it, is stuff I'm used to doing for a boyfriend. It would weird me out a little having a friend do all that for me. I think you are genuine for doing so and I realize your heart is in the right place, but I'm just letting you know how fearful that could make me.

Sixes don't like to get too close to people because they're afraid they'll be smothered. They like to be near people, but they don't want super intimate friendships. It creeps them out.
Yes. This ^^^^. Too much too quickly is a bit hard. I honestly don't think you would ever get the deepness out of me you desired, especially if I had a boyfriend. I think you should probably spend time developing your other relationships and just let her come to you. If you get exhausted by all this, that is understandable. You're someone who is not afraid of closeness and should have the connections you desire. But it doesn't sound like it's going to come from her. Don't exhaust yourself. Even if she was mad at you for something deep down, you don't want to cater to anyone's passive aggressiveness. You've already been working too hard trying to read her mind and figure her out. You're okay. Go out and have some fun with others.
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