Need some insight!!
I (type 9) recently came into a situation with my roommate of two weeks. I'm generally intuitive about people's feelings, and a couple days ago I sensed that she was unhappy with me somehow. From previous discussion, I had the (incorrect) impression that she had wanted a closer, more emotionally connected relationship with me, and I realized that I hadn't been spending quality personal time with her, and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person). The email was sent after she had gone to sleep.
The next morning, she still seemed uneasy, so I had asked her boyfriend (who I am close friends with) how I should go about approaching her about it, and through that contact I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction. At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me. I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.
Seeing as she lied to me about this, I don't know how to go about the situation further and ended up finding out today that she's a type 6. In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?
I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness. We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms. I was considering confronting her about her dishonesty and asking if what she wants with me is a relationship without honesty when it comes to conflict, but considering she lied to me about being unhappy with me, I don't imagine that she would admit to having lied to me. But then again, there's the idea that we would get along if I were to be open and honest, which makes me think I should confront her and tell her about my preference for a more open and honest relationship.
According to the levels on the Enneagram Institute page on type 6s, from my observations of her, she seems like a level 5:
Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?
So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point? I'd like your insights please! Thank you~
I (type 9) recently came into a situation with my roommate of two weeks. I'm generally intuitive about people's feelings, and a couple days ago I sensed that she was unhappy with me somehow. From previous discussion, I had the (incorrect) impression that she had wanted a closer, more emotionally connected relationship with me, and I realized that I hadn't been spending quality personal time with her, and wrote her an email that told her my thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation and asked if she would like to hang out on a more personal level (and explained that i asked through email because i can more clearly express myself through writing and I also felt awkward asking in person). The email was sent after she had gone to sleep.
The next morning, she still seemed uneasy, so I had asked her boyfriend (who I am close friends with) how I should go about approaching her about it, and through that contact I did get confirmation that my roommate was feeling uneasy/tense/unhappy with something about our interaction. At some point during the day while I was contemplating how to go about it, she came out of her room like everything was fine and dandy and explained to me that she's not a very deep person and doesn't want that personal sort of interaction. In that conversation, I ended up telling her that I felt as if she's been upset with our relationship, and she cheerfully told me that everything has been perfect, which, given both my intuition and the information gathered from her boyfriend/my friend, means she was lying to me. I've also had similar experiences with her before we were roommates, where I sensed that she felt upset towards me in some way but when I confronted her about it, she seemed to cheerfully deny and rationalize it.
Seeing as she lied to me about this, I don't know how to go about the situation further and ended up finding out today that she's a type 6. In the thread that includes how to get along with 6s, it says, "Be open and honest. They feel safer when all the cards are on the table." Since I opened communication with her and told her how I felt about various things regarding our relationship, it sounds as if she would appreciate that. However, her initial reaction seemed uneasy, and despite my receptiveness towards her approaching me about the kind of relationship she wants with me, she isn't reciprocal in openness and honesty. Is this something that should be expected from a type 6? Do 6's appreciate openness/honesty/clarity from others, but don't feel a need to be open/honest/clear themselves? Does this have anything to do with her being a 6?
I would like for her to be able to tell me when and why she feels unhappy with me, partially because I prefer open and honest relationships, and partially because I would like to be able to try to rectify whatever is causing her uneasiness. We've never argued before, and the last time we had a discussion where she was unhappy with me, she needed her boyfriend to initiate it, and after seeing my reaction she seemed relieved that I was very understanding and calm about her qualms. I was considering confronting her about her dishonesty and asking if what she wants with me is a relationship without honesty when it comes to conflict, but considering she lied to me about being unhappy with me, I don't imagine that she would admit to having lied to me. But then again, there's the idea that we would get along if I were to be open and honest, which makes me think I should confront her and tell her about my preference for a more open and honest relationship.
According to the levels on the Enneagram Institute page on type 6s, from my observations of her, she seems like a level 5:
And for more background information, we became roommates because she got a job in another state away from home, and would be long distance with her boyfriend for a few months. She invited me to come stay with her for those few months so that she would feel more secure and have some sort of social support, since she was going to be away from the rest of her social support structure. I was one of the options she was considering because I am close friends with her boyfriend and my living and work situation allowed for the flexibility of going there with her for just a few months.
Wait a minute, could this situation then be explained by the idea that in this situation she may be a phobic 6 and doesn't want to be honest with me with her unhappiness with me because she has placed me as her main source of social support here?
So anyway, would it be better for her if I actually did talk to her about openly and honestly about my thoughts and feelings (which may then potentially tread on the realm of "personal/connected interaction" which she says she doesn't want), or would it be better for her if I didn't push that point? I'd like your insights please! Thank you~
