[watermelon.infj]

Hi all INTJs and other types - thank you for reading!

My questions—
1) I'm wondering what is the next best move to make and,
2) Whether if the INTJ male is interested or still deciding on my potential or only views me as a friend.
3) Does our age difference and him being the younger male INTJ affect how I should approach this?

Basically...

We've hung out a few times and then I backed off because I felt overextended and underappreciated. A few weeks ago something shifted though.

The INTJ began remembering my friends' names; he recalled previous conversations we had; he began telling me about his family, friends, dating history, things that bother him, his deeper interests; he began openly teasing/provoking me and gave me a nickname; there was a weird balance of him oddly worrying about offending me and being blunt about other things; he'd take the time to explain new topics I'm interested in; he doesn't ask much about me but I can tell he's listening attentively (most of the time).

Since then we've hung out 1x1 a few more times and the dynamic is different now—easy yet nervous. The thing is while he'll sometimes extend open-ended invites/suggestions to do xyz, I am always the one who has to follow up and confirm the plans. I've initiated some physical touch such as hugging and he doesn't seem to mind though he won't initiate anything himself—except maybe poking me here or there. One day he'll be very forward/friendly with me and then the next it's like I have to draw him out and he's so matter-of-fact but he's always patient.

I can't tell if I'm just a friend or a potential SO. He lives at home and is in his last year of uni. I know some of you may think he's too young for me but when we're hanging out I don't feel our age difference at all. However, because there IS an age difference I wonder if that affects how he views all of this? What should I do next? As an INFJ I'm fine with moving at a glacial pace but I guess I'd like to get some idea of where you think this might be headed.

Thanks so much!

 

[brightflashes]

Sounds like he's evaluating you for SO potential. Chances are you probably care more about the age difference than he does. INTJs appreciate direct questions, though. It helps them know where they stand and are questions much easier to answer than open-ended questions (though those are fun for me once I've gotten to know a person better). So, just asking him straight out if he's interested in you as more than a friend would be the best course of action. It might seem uncomfortable or "weird", but it's the best way to get your answer and I'm sure it wouldn't be taken out of nowhere if you have been meeting 1x1.

Maybe he doesn't know you're interested. If he's an INTJ, though, just the fact that he's hanging out with you is enough indication that he likes you.

I can't speak for him, obviously, but that's my insight based on what you wrote and my experiences.

 

[ArcturusMengsk]

1) I'm wondering what is the next best move to make and,
You would know that better than any of us I presume. Your best next move is whatever you feel is appropriate, whenever you feel is appropriate. What kind of flirtation does he seem to respond to?

2) Whether if the INTJ male is interested or still deciding on my potential or only views me as a friend.
I am not sure that he has made any decision himself yet. There are certainly signs of potential interest though.

3) Does our age difference and him being the younger male INTJ affect how I should approach this?
I am thinking less about the age difference than the different life stages. Here I go with stereotypes:
in your late 20s, relationship = someone you may want to build your life with
in your early 20s, relationship = someone to have fun with
last year of uni = focused on getting a job, sorting out your work life, etc and relationships take the backseat.
...
Are these sort of things applicable to you two?

 

[lilysocks]

i probably shouldn't comment, because my own kid isn't even in his 'early 20's' anymore. but fwiw, from the great distance of my own early 50's it sounds to me like he might be growing a bit of a crush on you. the fact that in my own opinion early 20's doesn't even seem old enough to tie its own shoes, much less choose a partner, is prolly irrelevant :tongue:.

and whether that makes you two a viable relationship is another thing i wouldn't be able to tell. i had some damned naive crushes when i was that age. on the other hand, it's a fact that almost all of my actual loves have grown organically out of friendship . . . and on the third hand, the loves that didn't start out as real friends were the bad mistakes that i made in my [ta dah] early 20's. i guess i feel like i'd advise giving the whole thing a great deal of organic-development time, personally.

i can't comment about 'evaluating' for potential so. i never did any such thing to any person, or not in exactly those words anyway. i evaluate how i feel about someone, and the feelings just happen to include a future-based/long-term mixture of hopes and expectations etc. but i think everybody does that and i don't really get why people always seem to think the people we like are just lab rats to us.

 

[PiT]

3) Does our age difference and him being the younger male INTJ affect how I should approach this?
I am thinking less about the age difference than the different life stages. Here I go with stereotypes:
in your late 20s, relationship = someone you may want to build your life with
in your early 20s, relationship = someone to have fun with
last year of uni = focused on getting a job, sorting out your work life, etc and relationships take the backseat.
...
Are these sort of things applicable to you two?

I found that I was interested in serious relationships pretty much from the time I was 16. I was very much an outcast in college, because I found no point of commonality with the prevailing student culture that emphasized having fun. I don't know if my experience is normal for INTJs, but I have seen young INTJs frequently being characterized as being wise and mature beyond their years. When I first started posting on internet forums, people thought that I was roughly twice my actual age.

 

[ukulele]

I found that I was interested in serious relationships pretty much from the time I was 16. I was very much an outcast in college, because I found no point of commonality with the prevailing student culture that emphasized having fun. I don't know if my experience is normal for INTJs, but I have seen young INTJs frequently being characterized as being wise and mature beyond their years. When I first started posting on internet forums, people thought that I was roughly twice my actual age.

I'm not a male but if I may butt in: from my experience, (healthy) INTJ guys are more mature and it's pretty safe to say they seek long term relationships. If they don't, they'll probably upfront ("I'm not looking for anything serious"&co.)

The potential age conflict I see here is... do you want kids? If so, (since you must around 28-29) you'll want to have them in the next few years, won't you?
I'd talk about it (is he a family guy? does he want to have kids?) with him before getting involved into something serious.