[sofia]

Hello my fellow café members.

I’ve been lurking here for a long time and finally decided to share my story because I finally admitted to myself that I need help.

I feel down due to unreciprocated love and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. For a long time I was in denial about the whole situation but it’s been really hindering my work and studies for the past 1.5-2 years and I am no longer capable of keeping it together. I feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t work or study and things that used to make me happy don’t any more. I feel like there is no future for me and I feel like I will always be alone. I felt this way for a couple of years now.

I rarely meet people I fall in love with. I’m INTJ and 25 years old and so far there’s been only two. The first one chose another girl instead. Took me a year and a half to get over it but eventually I did. He realized his mistake and returned but I didn’t want him back and I didn’t trust him anymore.
The second one (current obsession) has a girlfriend and probably doesn’t know about my existence. We have a lot of friends in common and I do know that if we will ever get introduced we will get along great because we have many interests in common, work in the same field, think alike, his friends like me way more than his current gf and it’s easy for me to get along with them. I know this sounds delusional but I know enough about him to make such claims. He is exactly the rare type I’m looking for and I know that I would be his but he is about to move in with his gf and I know that if we will ever get introduced it will only make things worse so I’m trying to stay away and avoid him at the gatherings.

I don’t have trouble finding dates since I work in male dominated knowledge intensive industry where there a few females and smart women are appreciated. I am athletic and compete in sports, finishing my third business degree and according to the men I meet also cute and charming. I don’t have trouble with getting dates but it’s more like I have trouble avoiding them and run out of excuses for why I can’t attend. I find dating to be a waste of time. I tried dating but if I don’t feel any connection with the guy within the first 15-20 minutes spending more time with him will not make me like him more or fall in love. I’m simply indifferent towards most men who love me and feel nothing.
I’ve only been in a relationship once (with ISTJ). I felt that it wasn’t love but a friendship from the start but I was afraid that if I would turn him down he would leave like everybody else. I hoped that I will fall in love with time but I didn’t. It was several years of friendship and I never could force myself to be intimate with him even though I tried. I really cared about him but I just couldn’t fall in love with him. He was patient but he felt it too. Needless to say it didn’t work out but we parted as friends. We still have a lot of trust between us and he is my only close friend now.

I guess the whole reason I’m so sad is because I know that letting this guy (current obsession) be happy with his current gf and not interfering is the right thing to do but I’m afraid that I will never meet anyone else ever again because I fall in love so rarely. And I have missed that window where most people learn to be intimate or acquire skills and knowledge about close relationships. It feels like it’s too late to start over and I feel like I’m losing my last chance. Nobody knows about this. Everybody around me assumes that I get plenty of dates and get laid all the time. I’m scared that someone mind find out about the way I am so I try to avoid relationship conversations. I think I’m coming to a point where I’m starting to dislike social gatherings and emotional and physical proximity to people scares me.

Here’s what I have already tried to improve my situation:
• Exercising daily for the last 2 years. It improved the physical state but not the mental.
• Reading-found out it depresses me even more when I try to reflect on things. Same with movies.
• Online psychology research- makes things seem more hopeless.
• Shopping- doesn’t make me happy anymore. I stopped caring about physical things.
• Food- doesn’t make me happy anymore.
• Don’t have any close friends except ex- bf but he doesn’t know just how bad is it.
• Family- moved away from abusive family to another country to start over

Most of the days I stay in bed and don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone or go outside. I feel like I’m happier when I’m asleep. I feel like I’m losing the sense of any urgency in life. And I can’t see any future for myself.

Has anyone been in a similar situation in life and if so what did you do to overcome it? I know it's not uncommon for INTJ's to suck with realationshisp but what can be done?


P.S. Sorry for a long post

 

[Volant]

As I muse over the post, my brain remembers this song: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OfGvXfe9LK8

 

[bluekitdon]

Hello my fellow café members.

I’ve been lurking here for a long time and finally decided to share my story because I finally admitted to myself that I need help.

I feel down due to unreciprocated love and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. For a long time I was in denial about the whole situation but it’s been really hindering my work and studies for the past 1.5-2 years and I am no longer capable of keeping it together. I feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t work or study and things that used to make me happy don’t any more. I feel like there is no future for me and I feel like I will always be alone. I felt this way for a couple of years now.

I rarely meet people I fall in love with. I’m INTJ and 25 years old and so far there’s been only two. The first one chose another girl instead. Took me a year and a half to get over it but eventually I did. He realized his mistake and returned but I didn’t want him back and I didn’t trust him anymore.
The second one (current obsession) has a girlfriend and probably doesn’t know about my existence. We have a lot of friends in common and I do know that if we will ever get introduced we will get along great because we have many interests in common, work in the same field, think alike, his friends like me way more than his current gf and it’s easy for me to get along with them. I know this sounds delusional but I know enough about him to make such claims. He is exactly the rare type I’m looking for and I know that I would be his but he is about to move in with his gf and I know that if we will ever get introduced it will only make things worse so I’m trying to stay away and avoid him at the gatherings.

I don’t have trouble finding dates since I work in male dominated knowledge intensive industry where there a few females and smart women are appreciated. I am athletic and compete in sports, finishing my third business degree and according to the men I meet also cute and charming. I don’t have trouble with getting dates but it’s more like I have trouble avoiding them and run out of excuses for why I can’t attend. I find dating to be a waste of time. I tried dating but if I don’t feel any connection with the guy within the first 15-20 minutes spending more time with him will not make me like him more or fall in love. I’m simply indifferent towards most men who love me and feel nothing.
I’ve only been in a relationship once (with ISTJ). I felt that it wasn’t love but a friendship from the start but I was afraid that if I would turn him down he would leave like everybody else. I hoped that I will fall in love with time but I didn’t. It was several years of friendship and I never could force myself to be intimate with him even though I tried. I really cared about him but I just couldn’t fall in love with him. He was patient but he felt it too. Needless to say it didn’t work out but we parted as friends. We still have a lot of trust between us and he is my only close friend now.

I guess the whole reason I’m so sad is because I know that letting this guy (current obsession) be happy with his current gf and not interfering is the right thing to do but I’m afraid that I will never meet anyone else ever again because I fall in love so rarely. And I have missed that window where most people learn to be intimate or acquire skills and knowledge about close relationships. It feels like it’s too late to start over and I feel like I’m losing my last chance. Nobody knows about this. Everybody around me assumes that I get plenty of dates and get laid all the time. I’m scared that someone mind find out about the way I am so I try to avoid relationship conversations. I think I’m coming to a point where I’m starting to dislike social gatherings and emotional and physical proximity to people scares me.

Here’s what I have already tried to improve my situation:
• Exercising daily for the last 2 years. It improved the physical state but not the mental.
• Reading-found out it depresses me even more when I try to reflect on things. Same with movies.
• Online psychology research- makes things seem more hopeless.
• Shopping- doesn’t make me happy anymore. I stopped caring about physical things.
• Food- doesn’t make me happy anymore.
• Don’t have any close friends except ex- bf but he doesn’t know just how bad is it.
• Family- moved away from abusive family to another country to start over

Most of the days I stay in bed and don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone or go outside. I feel like I’m happier when I’m asleep. I feel like I’m losing the sense of any urgency in life. And I can’t see any future for myself.

Has anyone been in a similar situation in life and if so what did you do to overcome it? I know it's not uncommon for INTJ's to suck with relationship but what can be done?


P.S. Sorry for a long post

I can relate, there are very few women that I have actually been attracted to that held my interest for long. I can think of about 3 in my lifetime actually, and I'm 36. I felt this way after a divorce, but finally figured out how to enjoy myself without a partner and once I figured out how to be happy alone is of course when I met my wife.

Regarding your friend, if he's about ready to move in with his girlfriend, I would personally steer clear for now.

I think you should first try to focus on building friendships and developing hobbies. You are isolated in a foreign country without family, so you are starting from scratch. Work on trying to get into small group activities that you enjoy. Force yourself out of your comfort zone on these and commit to going. Learn to be happy on your own. You need to build up some friendships, then can start looking a bit more for someone to share your life. Once you get to that point, you may find that a relationship has naturally developed out of those new hobbies, or may need to go looking using tools like OkCupid | Free Online Dating or something like that.

One positive thing - you're still young at 25, you've got plenty of time to find someone.

Good luck.

 

[LostTheMarbles]

I felt this way after a divorce, but finally figured out how to enjoy myself without a partner and once I figured out how to be happy alone is of course when I met my wife.

I'd agree with that 100%, find a way to be happy by your self and you'll bump into the perfect person for you.

I'm also an expat, 4 months ago I moved to Switzerland for a girl who ran away before I even got here, I was alone in the city, I knew no one, the only person I thought I could trust had just ran away and left me pretty damaged given the situation.

4 months on, I have some amazing friends, I met a new Swiss girl and I'm really enjoying my life

 

[Word Dispenser]

I guess the whole reason I’m so sad is because I know that letting this guy (current obsession) be happy with his current gf and not interfering is the right thing to do but I’m afraid that I will never meet anyone else ever again because I fall in love so rarely.

Yes. This is why you're sad.

My two pence.

I'm here to tell you, futilely, that you will fall in love again. Maybe the next time won't be right either. But, eventually, it will be reciprocated.

I don't think there's anything that anyone can say to you in this thread that will convince you of that, however. But, I'll try.

1) Don't try to justify going for the guy with the girlfriend.

2) Don't pine for him.

3) Don't fantasize about him.

4) Don't go for the guy with the girlfriend.

Just be patient. Get to know people as friends first. Spend years building foundations of friendship. Then you'll know if it's right.

'Falling in love' may happen quickly. But, I think it's far healthier to let it happen gradually, and naturally, getting to know everything about a person. Don't depend on the illusion of 'love at first sight'. It's deceptive, and you don't really know anything about that someone. Don't keep holding out for perfection-- Find someone you can get along with.

But, maybe that's just me.

You're only 25. You may think you're close to 30, and it matters, but it doesn't. You have a lot of time, and a lot of people to meet in your field, in the world around you. There are very few people who will be decent, and good enough, and you have to keep that into account. In a way, you're lucky that you have been so conservative. That's wisdom.

If you think you need to learn about things on an intimate relationship level, then start by learning about family, and friendships. It's all relationship dynamics.

If need be, and when you find someone who is available, who you can really share things with, I think you will find they're more than willing to teach you a thing or two about close relationships. :wink:

 

[LadyO.W.BernieBro]

^That's my view on relationships, or at least how it's evolved.

l had something like that in the past, but went exploring, thinking l'd find something ideal or l guess, 'standard'?

l don't approach relationships the way most people do, so l should have stayed with what l had then.
l thought l'd learn to, and l now conclude that l was not meant to learn...these things. l can't feel the connection doing it that way and truly do not understand how to ''develop'' one.

Remarkably, he never got bored with me and l don't think he would have, we were friends first and foremost.


You sound pretty similar, but go with the advice here. You'll find someone else, or he will lose interesting his girlfriend if it's not meant to be. lf you have that unspoken communication bond things will fall into place.

 

[Blacktide]

I can relate to your story Sofia, for a long time I was pretty beaten down about my relationship prospects. All things considered I have a pretty good life I am in good health, a career I love, and am a very happy person.

But despite being completely confident in who I am and happy with what I have. I much like yourself, have great difficulty finding someone I can really connect with. Finding dates was never my problem, finding dates that are right for me was always the bigger problem.

Unfortunately I don’t really have an answer for your troubles other than suggesting that you try to visualize the worst possible outcome for yourself intensely and clearly within your mind. After you do that, all other results will seem an improvement in comparison.

I have accepted that it may take me a very long time to find my special someone. But in the mean time I am enjoying my life to the fullest and am not worried about it. Having someone in my life would be nice, but I am happy either way until I find that person.

Sorry for the lack of advice, but hopefully some empathy from another INTJ will help you feel not quite as alone.:happy:

 

[smallpeas]

Anything your Fi says is wrong, you will not in good conscience be able to live with. You've already decided what you want to do with respect to the guy in question. Your emotions just haven't caught up.

I can relate, there are very few women that I have actually been attracted to that held my interest for long. I can think of about 3 in my lifetime actually, and I'm 36.

I don't know if it's the Ni or the Ni-Te combo, but this seems pretty common among NTJs.

You're probably not going to find many people out in the world that you feel you can truly connect to. I like tons of humans & get along with them; I also see tons of objectively attractive people around, but I comparatively rarely feel attracted to them, even if they feel that way towards me (and I'm not demisexual). I long accepted that as just a fact of who I am.

I understand the feeling of "may never meet anyone like this again" or "may never feel this sort of connection again" and so when presented with viable opportunities, I will work at them. However, on the other hand, logically, I know that I don't/won't/haven't only loved once, been loved once, connected once, etc. It would be a statistical aberration & logistic quagmire for there to be only one of anything for everyone. We may all be unique, and each connection *is* different, but that doesn't mean a new different one won't be equally as powerful or satisfying. It can take time (sometimes a lot) for the emotions to catch up to the logic though.

I felt this way after a divorce, but finally figured out how to enjoy myself without a partner and once I figured out how to be happy alone is of course when I met my wife.

I'd agree with that 100%, find a way to be happy by your self and you'll bump into the perfect person for you.

The point of being happy with yourself & by yourself is just that. That you find a "person for you" is a possibility but not the only possibility. And it's a possibility whether you are happy with yourself or not.

It's quite possible to be the type of person who cannot fully be happy without a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe we are all that. We are human. You need to figure out who you are, what you need, and learn to accept yourself without shame, guilt, or any negativity.

One positive thing - you're still young at 25, you've got plenty of time to find someone.

While I agree that you, sofia, are young, youth is relative. And regardless, when you're in the situation of wanting or hoping for X, it doesn't matter to you if someone else thinks you are young. That is external. Your wants and feelings are internal.

I would say it doesn't matter if you are young or not young. I am 10 years on from the stage you are at and back to wanting the same sort of thing I wanted when I was "young," despite a long lag in there of not wanting it at all. Hailing from the comfort zone of having had those things and the assurance that they aren't impossible.

I don't think there's an expiration date on desire, possibility, connection, love, falling in love. There is no time limit. Don't place yourself under one. It's important not to feel constrained by time with respect to things you can't control.

You can either let go and just let what life brings happen OR take an active role to realize what you seek. If that's a relationship, then do the things people potentially seeking relationships do (mentioned in other posts) or the things people just wanting to be around other people do. The more of the things you do, the more you play the odds.

Regardless, the more people you meet, the more chances you have to potentially connect.

I have accepted that it may take me a very long time to find my special someone. But in the mean time I am enjoying my life to the fullest and am not worried about it. Having someone in my life would be nice, but I am happy either way until I find that person.

^ Ditto. Although I live my life minus the "until" part. Living with a "certain potentiality" leads me to expectations, which I find I can't function with. I have to live my life now with just possibilities.
P.S. Hi @Blacktide.

 

[Razare]

Here’s what I have already tried to improve my situation:
• Exercising daily for the last 2 years. It improved the physical state but not the mental.
• Reading-found out it depresses me even more when I try to reflect on things. Same with movies.
• Online psychology research- makes things seem more hopeless.
• Shopping- doesn’t make me happy anymore. I stopped caring about physical things.
• Food- doesn’t make me happy anymore.
• Don’t have any close friends except ex- bf but he doesn’t know just how bad is it.
• Family- moved away from abusive family to another country to start over

Just my opinion, but men, while we're human beings, aren't going to be any different than a thrill that comes and goes like those other things were.

You can't base your life happiness on a man, sadly it does not work that way. Even a really great guy, it's just a fantasy in the end.

I'm not saying you can't happily be with someone, but you need your own foundation apart from that person in order to be happy. You need to be able to be happy in yourself... if it's completely based on a flawed person, it crumbles.

Just something to look out for, going forward.