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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, yesterday my roommate and I were sitting in our room and a bunch of girls see our fish tank from the hallway and come into our room (apparently having a fish tank at college makes you popular). Anyway, nothing significant happened. They looked at it, everyone introduced themselves, and then they left. But for some reason, after that, my overall disposition plummeted. I wouldn't say I was depressed but, I certainly wasn't in high spirits. And the other thing is, similar past situations have had the same effect on me.

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I wish I could give some more insight on why this is but I can't make any sense of it. It might be the fact that I really want to start a relationship and those girls just happened to be quite attractive. But I think there might be several reasons for my change in mood.

1. Most college girls aren't interested in a serious relationship, so I'm fucked. I don't do casual dating because its pointless.

2. I can't stand all the bullshit that goes along with conventional dating.

3. I don't really know if women really find me all that attractive. And because of my mediocre self esteem, naturally I assume all women aren't interested.

All of this, I think, adds up to a general feeling of hopelessness, thus the slight depression after such situations.

So if anyone could offer their opinions or just comment on it in general, I would be eternally grateful :happy:
 

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I think you -may- just need to work on realizing you can have a plutonic relationship with women as well. If you look at all women as a potential date then it can be a bit of a challenge when you feel unwanted or rejected. I definitely used to have this problem before, not quite sure if that's the case with you.

Overtime I realized that many girls (that go out), get hit on all the time. Because of that, many of them know how to brush guys off easily or simply have very basic relationships with anyone. With most guys, we don't really randomly strike up convos with people unless it serves some sort of purpose to us.

As for me, I gave myself a kick in the ass where I just talk to people (usually women, I don't care much for the guys). Just say something basic, and for the most part, have no attachment to this person whatsoever. One thing I did in University was just the "fly-by" compliment. Basically, I'd just stop some girl at random and say "Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but I just wanted to say I really like that outfit on you :D" smile, and walk away.

You know what happened? Those girls would never leave me alone later on campus. They would even come to me when I was with a group of guys and say hi (much to the awe of my guy friends, as most of these girls were smokingg). On top of that, they'd tell their friends about me, it would brighten their day in general, and in some extreme cases they even put a little ad on craigslist "missed connections." -- If you know what that is.

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That was my interpretation of what you were talking about and how I dealt with it. I'd say 80% of my friends are girls right now and most of them actually put the effort into being my friend, instead of vice versa.
 

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Have these feelings been going on for long? Have you spoken to a therapist/counsellor about it? Do you feel that way with all girls or just some?

It should help you to know that not all girls (even the attractive ones) are interested too much in looks and even perfect first impressions..Many of the girls I know are looking for more sensitivity, strength of character and mostly, sincerity..

I guess it's easy to assume everyone seems better off than you in dating, thus your low self esteem. I had gone through bouts of it myself before. You have to try and rediscover your strengths, nobody is entirely confident all of his or her life.


If all else fails, and you get lonely, you can just talk to me :crazy: (I kid..hehe) *Evil smiles*
 

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I must agree with Lad on pretty much all of his points. The best way to encourage the lady-folk to recognize you and want to see you for the gentle and caring soul you are is for you to be a friend first. Not every woman is going to want a romantic relationship, but what about when she brings a friend, or two, or three, around to visit with her guy friend who seems to get it. You develop more relationships with her friends, and one of them, maybe the shy, over-looked one, or the athletic bomb-shell, or any of them between, realizes you're the real deal.

While my relationships haven't necessarily been the most healthy, they all started as friendships that developed into something more. Not all of my relationships with men developed as such, but I know that introducing one friend to another did turn into sparks flying and goofy grins all around. Those relationships were healthy and happy and are still going strong, years later.

*hugs* I wish you the best of luck, I know it's hard to imagine now, but you really will find someone with whom you can be comfortable and enjoy their company and it will lead to many new and exotic paths for you to wander. *nods*
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I think you -may- just need to work on realizing you can have a plutonic relationship with women as well. If you look at all women as a potential date then it can be a bit of a challenge when you feel unwanted or rejected. I definitely used to have this problem before, not quite sure if that's the case with you.

Overtime I realized that many girls (that go out), get hit on all the time. Because of that, many of them know how to brush guys off easily or simply have very basic relationships with anyone. With most guys, we don't really randomly strike up convos with people unless it serves some sort of purpose to us.

As for me, I gave myself a kick in the ass where I just talk to people (usually women, I don't care much for the guys). Just say something basic, and for the most part, have no attachment to this person whatsoever. One thing I did in University was just the "fly-by" compliment. Basically, I'd just stop some girl at random and say "Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but I just wanted to say I really like that outfit on you :D" smile, and walk away.

You know what happened? Those girls would never leave me alone later on campus. They would even come to me when I was with a group of guys and say hi (much to the awe of my guy friends, as most of these girls were smokingg). On top of that, they'd tell their friends about me, it would brighten their day in general, and in some extreme cases they even put a little ad on craigslist "missed connections." -- If you know what that is.

--------
That was my interpretation of what you were talking about and how I dealt with it. I'd say 80% of my friends are girls right now and most of them actually put the effort into being my friend, instead of vice versa.
Well, I have 2 friends that are girls and I'm totally fine with just being friends because they're really cool. You're probably right when you said I should try to look at more girls just casually and not always as potential dates. As for the random compliment thing, even though I might really want to do it occasionally, I would have to gather courage for like 10 years before I'd finally do it and by then I would've probably missed the chance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I must agree with Lad on pretty much all of his points. The best way to encourage the lady-folk to recognize you and want to see you for the gentle and caring soul you are is for you to be a friend first. Not every woman is going to want a romantic relationship, but what about when she brings a friend, or two, or three, around to visit with her guy friend who seems to get it. You develop more relationships with her friends, and one of them, maybe the shy, over-looked one, or the athletic bomb-shell, or any of them between, realizes you're the real deal.

While my relationships haven't necessarily been the most healthy, they all started as friendships that developed into something more. Not all of my relationships with men developed as such, but I know that introducing one friend to another did turn into sparks flying and goofy grins all around. Those relationships were healthy and happy and are still going strong, years later.

*hugs* I wish you the best of luck, I know it's hard to imagine now, but you really will find someone with whom you can be comfortable and enjoy their company and it will lead to many new and exotic paths for you to wander. *nods*
Wow thanks for your kind words and optimism (something I lack most of the time). :happy:
Yeah I forgot about that. I've also heard that many relationships start after being introduced by a mutual friend. Also, I think being friends first is definitely a plus.
 

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So, yesterday my roommate and I were sitting in our room and a bunch of girls see our fish tank from the hallway and come into our room (apparently having a fish tank at college makes you popular). Anyway, nothing significant happened. They looked at it, everyone introduced themselves, and then they left. But for some reason, after that, my overall disposition plummeted. I wouldn't say I was depressed but, I certainly wasn't in high spirits. And the other thing is, similar past situations have had the same effect on me.

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I wish I could give some more insight on why this is but I can't make any sense of it. It might be the fact that I really want to start a relationship and those girls just happened to be quite attractive. But I think there might be several reasons for my change in mood.

1. Most college girls aren't interested in a serious relationship, so I'm fucked. I don't do casual dating because its pointless.

2. I can't stand all the bullshit that goes along with conventional dating.

3. I don't really know if women really find me all that attractive. And because of my mediocre self esteem, naturally I assume all women aren't interested.

All of this, I think, adds up to a general feeling of hopelessness, thus the slight depression after such situations.

So if anyone could offer their opinions or just comment on it in general, I would be eternally grateful :happy:

I kind of do the same thing. Weird.

If I'm in a situation where I really could have talked more or been more assertive and I completely blow it, even if I was having fun with my friends, it bothers me for the rest of the night. Because I don't really do much, or try to go out (and can't where I live anyway), it's like when I have the opportunity to go to a party, it should be worth it.

But I really think there are plenty of college girls that want legitimate relationships, just don't look toward the ones that reallly look like they don't, if you know what I'm saying. :laughing:

The friends first thing sounds like a good approach, though.
 

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You know, you don't HAVE to be romantically attached in order to be happy. In fact, what usually happens is first you learn how to be happy with yourself on your own, and THEN people are attracted to you, and a relationship just sorta falls in your lap.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You know, you don't HAVE to be romantically attached in order to be happy. In fact, what usually happens is first you learn how to be happy with yourself on your own, and THEN people are attracted to you, and a relationship just sorta falls in your lap.
I'm not saying I'm miserable without one. Quite the opposite in fact. But I've finally reached a point in my life where I feel I'm ready to actually start a legitimate relationship. And I want to! Is that too much to ask? :sad:
 

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I'm not saying I'm miserable without one. Quite the opposite in fact. But I've finally reached a point in my life where I feel I'm ready to actually start a legitimate relationship. And I want to! Is that too much to ask? :sad:
I just think you should focus on your life as it is, and not worry too much about what you don't have. *shrugs*
 

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I'm not saying I'm miserable without one. Quite the opposite in fact. But I've finally reached a point in my life where I feel I'm ready to actually start a legitimate relationship. And I want to! Is that too much to ask? :sad:
Nope, not too much at all. It's one of those things that comes with being human. Which also means there are young women who feel precisely the same way, but just don't know where to go to find a legitimate guy rather than some fling. It's just a matter of patience and being okay in your own skin and all that good jazz. If you're comfortable in your own skin you'll be much more likely to be attracted to and attract the type of woman you can honestly be happy with. I figure that is worth a bit of extra search time, though patience is not exactly an easy thing to keep in such situations. Best of luck to you.
 
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It's not true that most college girls don't want serious relationships. Just because college is often portrayed as this fun, party crazy, swinging time doesn't mean everyone wants the same thing. There are plenty of girls who are looking for something real, too.

If you want someone to appreciate the unique qualities you have to offer, just be yourself and work on trying to meet people without the express expectation of dating. Especially in college, the dating rules seem to be a little more blurred with platonic/friendship, at least they were for me. Sometimes I would think someone was just a friend and end up getting surprised. And besides, if you just get to know people because you genuinely want to know them, your life will be richer. When you aren't worrying about it, you will find a true love, as cliche as that sounds.
 

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Yeah, I agree with what emu8 (I LOVE YOUR NAME!) said about college girls. I NEVER wanted to just conventionally date someone. I always saw it as bullcrap and a waste of time.

And I don't know why so many INFP males hate on themselves...I love you all!! :D
 

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So, yesterday my roommate and I were sitting in our room and a bunch of girls see our fish tank from the hallway and come into our room (apparently having a fish tank at college makes you popular). Anyway, nothing significant happened. They looked at it, everyone introduced themselves, and then they left. But for some reason, after that, my overall disposition plummeted. I wouldn't say I was depressed but, I certainly wasn't in high spirits. And the other thing is, similar past situations have had the same effect on me.

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I wish I could give some more insight on why this is but I can't make any sense of it. It might be the fact that I really want to start a relationship and those girls just happened to be quite attractive. But I think there might be several reasons for my change in mood.

1. Most college girls aren't interested in a serious relationship, so I'm fucked. I don't do casual dating because its pointless.

2. I can't stand all the bullshit that goes along with conventional dating.

3. I don't really know if women really find me all that attractive. And because of my mediocre self esteem, naturally I assume all women aren't interested.

All of this, I think, adds up to a general feeling of hopelessness, thus the slight depression after such situations.

So if anyone could offer their opinions or just comment on it in general, I would be eternally grateful :happy:

You must concentrate all your energy on eliminating this feeling of hopelessness. Channel your frustration into a passion. Kill the unnecessary messages that cause you to feel this way. Accept your limitations and focus not on yourself. Don't compare yourself with others, because there is no one who can live your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Nope, not too much at all. It's one of those things that comes with being human. Which also means there are young women who feel precisely the same way, but just don't know where to go to find a legitimate guy rather than some fling. It's just a matter of patience and being okay in your own skin and all that good jazz. If you're comfortable in your own skin you'll be much more likely to be attracted to and attract the type of woman you can honestly be happy with. I figure that is worth a bit of extra search time, though patience is not exactly an easy thing to keep in such situations. Best of luck to you.
Gotta love that good jazz :laughing:

So, what are you doin later? :cool:

:crazy:

But seriously thanks for the advice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thanks everyone for the good advice. I feel bad because I'm focusing so much on my problems. I feel like I don't really know any of you that well, but I wish I did. You guys are all really awesome for helping me out.
 

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Gotta love that good jazz :laughing:

So, what are you doin later? :cool:

:crazy:

But seriously thanks for the advice.
Random question is random, but I do wonder - when you read that, do you hear the song from Chicago by any chance?(
)

I managed to do a great job of avoiding sleep is what I did later. As for what I'm about to do, I'm going to crash for about 3 hours and then go to work. *shakes head* Smart I iz not.

You're very welcome, it's what we come here for and why we are able to trust each other - there's an amazing amount of encouragement and reminders for why we really can do those weird things that humans like to do in this weird life adventure thingy. :happy:
 
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You must concentrate all your energy on eliminating this feeling of hopelessness. Channel your frustration into a passion. Kill the unnecessary messages that cause you to feel this way. Accept your limitations and focus not on yourself. Don't compare yourself with others, because there is no one who can live your life.
The above says just about everything I want to say to the OP ;__;

Anyway, stop focusing on yourself and focus on your schoolwork or whatever motivates you in a positive manner. I can almost guarantee you that people WILL take notice of that. Chances are they'll notice your aura and will befriend you. Also, get your priorities straight and try to start friendships. If you broaden your horizon, then you'll be more likely to meet people that might be interested in a serious relationship.

I wish you the best.
 
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