[Tyrant]

Sorry for invading your part of the forum, but I have a question that I seem to be incapable of answering on my own, and unanswered questions often drive me insane.

Throughout my life, I have been called a wide variety of names. Insensitive Jerk, Asshole, Arrogant Bastard, Stubborn Mule; the list goes on.

I am not a warm and cuddly stuffed animal. I am the kind of person who would bluntly tell a girl that her clothes make her look fat, tell an infatuated person that love doesn't make sense, and shoot down optimistic dreams or hopes with cold rationale.

I have a number of friends, but do not trust them. It seems all my life, out of all those friends, I've only ever trusted one.

He's INFP.

We've known each other for about eleven years. I don't give him any special treatment and he gets the same blunt comments that others get from me. We have differences and similarities, mostly differences, but somehow, we get along, despite his personality being almost the opposite of mine.

What I don't understand is why he even bothers to deal with all the insensitive remarks I have to offer. I'm not nice and I know it. I don't plan on changing, and he knows it. He dislikes it when I get too logical. I dislike it when he gets too emotional. Yet, he's probably the only human being I could openly discuss anything with. We're more like brothers, and I'd hate to imagine a life without him in it. It's like he keeps me from becoming any colder than I already am; keeps me human in a twisted sort of way.

I don't really understand how the mind of an INFP works, and I would rather not ask him myself, as doing so would feel awkward, so I'm depending on the INFPs in this forum.

Suppose you were to find yourself in a friendship like this, what is it that would keep you from ending it? What motivates you to deal with blunt comments and annoying logic, or careless negative remarks directed at things you like, that is, assuming you were in a situation like this one? Because honestly, this is something I don't understand.

I'm simply trying to learn more about how the INFP mind works, because unlike problems that have structural forms, I find this much more difficult to comprehend. INFPs are amazing. If you actually read all of this, you have my respect. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me gain a little bit of insight on the INFP brain. Thank you in advance, and thank you for even bothering to read this.

 

[kooooo8]

One of my closest friends is an INTP also, shes blunt, pisses me off at times, but we just work.

We have talked about this topic a lot, and we just compliment each other. I tend to listen more when we are in a conversation somewhat of a sounding board, which she needs (even though there are some things I don't like to talk about like philosophical theory and art history). When she describes something I process it, and present it in a different light. Since I don't do well with names or memorization I mold it to match my experiences or I try to make it relatable which gives her the opportunity to apply theory to life situations I guess. She acts as "my brain" she presents more logical views on situations, a big one was picking a college major.

Problems we have is that she tries to provoke me to think a lot, almost whenever we are together she is trying to make me think logically, but it is almost impossible for me to just because I have difficulty processing at the speed she does unless I connect it to myself (kinda like what i'm doing now). Although we have our differences being around her for an extended period of time (about 5 years now) helped me grow accustomed to the blunt remarks she says. I'm guessing it's the same for your friend he has just grown accustomed to it.

So to sum it all up, INFPs tend to try and relate things to something they understand, but they are not afraid to dabble in the abstract or concrete. However, depending on the specific INFP they might challenge whatever you present them with, and will not change their opinion unless given a reason to (varies on how important whatever you presented them with is). They are loyal so they won't just go and run off. That being said if you present them with something that is extremely sad or hits a soft spot with them be prepared for the emotion to kick in, and they might need a chunk of time to gather themselves again. Negativity (again depending on the INFP) can be brushed off because they can usually sense the seriousness of the remark, but this all depends on how sensitive the INFP is. You and your friend sound like you compliment each other, don't question it too much, but don't take it forgranted either frustration can make us do nasty things.

 

[agreenbough]

Well, people are capbale of learning how to behave, so if you know insensitive remarks bother your friend, you really should try to rein it in a bit. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I can put up with a lot of crap if I mostly like a person, but I'll reach a point where putting up with the insensitivity just isn't worth it anymore. And then the person wonders why I don't have time for them anymore. This mostly goes for oblivious types, though - ones who have no idea they are so abrasive or who constantly tell me I'm too sensitive.
Maybe your friend benefits from seeing things from a totally different perspective, and maybe you have a way of being blunt that he really doesn't find overly offensive. I know a couple of people at work who used to really annoy me, but when I realized (through a group exercise) that it was merely their personality to be so blunt, I no longer took it personally and I actually like them a lot more now. If it's a work relationship, I'm a lot more open to people being no-nonsense, blunt, etc. But in a personal relationship I think both parties need to adapt a bit to the other. It doesn't mean you can't be who you are, just temper it some out of respect for the other person.
Don't know if that helps - I feel like I'm rambleng.....

 

[okaydrifter]

my best friend is an INTP, the only person in the world who understands me, and i'm the only person in the world who understands him. he isn't the same as you though. he's very logical but he doesn't OFTEN say blunt things that offend me. he sometimes says hard truths to people at parties and such, and they tend to get a little uncomfortable... and sometimes he says blunt things that irritate me, but not very often. i usually just retort if i think he's being strange. i have no problems about blunt truths at all, but it's when he's blunt with his opinions that might offend me and expects me to side with him, i get very irritated with him about that.

he's overly logical, i'm overly emotional. we disagree sometimes or get into funny discussions/arguments where you can tell we're both being a little spitey and pushing our own views. it's just funny, whatever. it doesn't remain a problem for us at all because we're not in a relationship or anything. and maybe even if we were, maybe it would be fine. but i don't think it's anything to end a bond like this over.

i'm pretty sure i can speak for most INFPs when i say one of the top most important things for us is feeling not alone, like someone truly understands us. i would never end our friendship because we quite simply feel like we need eachother, validate eachother or something. it's just very "real". i feel very content and safe talking to him.

also as a final note i want to point out that most of the time i'm actually most comfortable around blunt people, which seems counter-intuitive given how sensitive i am. but if i feel like the person truly understands me and is a friend and not a foe, then i'm all for it! because nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone who's afraid to be straight with me. i love blunt honesty, as long as it's coming from a trustworthy source. it's awesome. also, my best girl friend is super super blunt and hurtful with me but i appreciate it greatly because i can always always TRUST her to be honest with me. there's no wondering, it's all just very genuine. us INFPs LOVE authenticity, we kindof need it. hope this helped!

 

[ethylester]

My take on it is:

1. He sees the good in you
2. He is naturally loyal and wants to have long-time friends
3. He values something in you that he does not possess
4. You've had enough good times together to have won his friendship forever
5. You make him feel special somehow. He can probably tell you respect him.
6. If you don't have any other friends, then you would be alone. He probably realizes this. Not in a pity kind of way. More in a way that makes him feel like he gets the privilege of knowing someone/something that not many people get the opportunity.

But I think the big one is a mixture of #1 & 4 - he sees the good in you and has formed enough fond memories of you to make him want to stick around. I have some friends who can be assholes to other people. In fact, they can be assholes to me sometimes too. But those times do not outweigh the good times we have had, so I can let it go. We're a forgiving and loyal lot. It would take something big for me to turn my back on a longstanding friendship. I'll hang on until it's obviously in shambles. If your friendship isn't in shambles, he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it.

 

[kooooo8]

us infps love authenticity, we kindof need it. Hope this helped!

yes! This is it!!!!!!!

 

[potato]

If you're bros then you're bros, doesn't really matter if you can be annoying some times as long as you both want to be friends and like each others company, but if he's just being your friend to be nice and doesn't see you as a friend then you should probably drift apart but I doubt he doesn't see you as a friend. I probably wouldn't stop being friends with someone unless they gave me a good reason to or stopped wanting to be my friend.

 

[TyTy]

I have been in relationships like this. I think what your friend sees, is something that you probably are unable to see within yourself. I am certain the remarks you make to him do in fact hurt him. But I think that he is able to bury that inside and stay your friend despite it simply because he sees in you what others can not or don't care to. I am sure he feels much the same way in regards to the talks and insights that you both share in conversation. To us, it is as valued as it is for you...to find someone you can truly connect with and share parts of yourself with that no one else can seemingly understand. INFP's, just like INTP's, tend to have trouble in their interactions with others. People like to unload and/or dump things on us to make themselves feel better, but it is rare that you find someone willing to hear our inner most thoughts or that enjoy using their imagination. It is hard for us to find someone that understands us on an intellectual level or that is willing and open to discuss things that others might find too weird or abstract.

So to sum it up, I am guessing that in his mind, the rewards far outweigh the hurt feelings that he may receive from you. I am sure he sees some warmth and depth in you that it is impossible for you to see or feel and he probably greatly admires your mind and how you think and see things. We are not one to turn away from someone that we feel has value and to him you have earned some level of respect or endearment. I am sure he still cringes when he hears you speak this way to him and especially to others. However, he has come to accept you as you are and to see past it. He can see the "you" that he knows is beyond surface level and behind the layers of courseness, roughness and insensitive remarks. He also knows that behind all of those layers lies something that few people get to see or know. This is what would keep me coming back and continuing to be your friend despite your admitted "flaws". You do not have to enjoy every aspect of someone, to enjoy their company and find value in their friendship.

As a side note, honestly people such as yourself tend to fascinate me and draw me in simply out of curiosity. Usually, I find when someone behaves this way they are intentionally trying to keep people at bay. They don't want to deal with the people surrounding them for whatever reason. Maybe reject before they can be rejected? I realize this is not mere curiosity from your friend since your relationship has been 11 yrs, he genuinely has an investment and sincerity behind it. But for my own self, I am curious as to why if you know the effect your comments and remarks have on people (and I assume in some way you view your behavior as a negative from what you said in your post), why then would you continue doing it unless you are receiving the response that you are desiring? ....alienation in a sense. What do you gain by continuing to treat people this way and be consciously aware of it? Please don't feel I am judging you, I am just wondering if it is more of a habit that turned into a behavior? or if the things you say give you pleasure after receiving a certain response? or are you truly just using your words to keep people from getting any closer?

Hope I have given you some insight and that I haven't assumed too much. You may be looking for a more technical response with which I don't do well, sorry. Hopefully you get some more in depth responses from others. Thank you for your post, I enjoyed your honesty.

 

[JoCZker]

You seems to realise, that you are not always the best companion. And I think, that this sort of inner honesty is something "we" value. And we like underdogs and wierdos, so, if you seems like the only and original and never understud, its very possible that this could attract us. But sometimes its best to throw off the types and just look at people. Friendship is strangest thing ever. You cant understand it. I cant understand it. But it just work sometimes, somehow, with least likely person.

And just form INFPs perspective. Be carefull. I had very close friend, who was very much like you. I didnt care much. But than he did something that crossed the line. He dated one of my good friends (girl) and cheated on her. And wasnt even able to tell her this, so I have to do it, after long inner fight. I just stopped seeing him. I didnt see him in years. He is sometimes texting me, I just dont care. I dont hate him, I am not mad at him. I am just finished with him.

Sooo, we can survive anything you throw at us. We dont care about you, being rude very much. But be very carefull to break some of our sacred moral rules, you can loose us forever.

And enjoy your friendship.

 

[pyjujiop]

I would say that your brutal honesty probably works in your favor with him. INFP's value truth, honestly, and loyalty. We're a sensitive lot, but we can forgive someone saying things that are hurtful as long as they're said with honesty and not malice. We're fiercely loyal once someone has won our trust. It's not easy to win, but once you do, we'll go to war for you no matter what. The only thing you can't do is attack our core values. You don't have to agree with them, but you have to respect them. It's very hard for us to forgive and forget a serious breach of our value system.

 

[dreamon]

here, a little bit of insight on the infp brain ;p

 

[doublexuan]

I often tell the INTPs that they are really "mean". They lack tact and doesn't understand their bluntness can be hurtful at times. However it is also this emphasis on making rational objective judgements without any filter that I love INTPs in the first place.

Also, when INTPs say honest but hurtful remarks, I try to ask myself why am I taking offense or feeling hurt if it is a honest truth. So i try to dissect myself rationally too, which is good.

Everyone has flaws, and to me this is just a tiny flaw and will not deter me from the wonderful goodness that makes up the remaining 80% of an INTP. I am an INTP groupie.

 

[Gideon Shrier]

I think the way an INFP makes friends is by trying to look at the person's heart (as cliche as that sounds). Your friend has probably analyzed/gone over your personality dozens of times over the course of the friendship and decided that you're a good friend and a good person.

I know I personally look for the good in most people, so I can tell when someone has their heart in the right place. Of course, this can lead to me making excuses for people's behavior and perhaps being quicker to let things go than I should. That's just me though. If I see someone of outstanding character, in one regard or another, then little fights won't shake the core of the friendship.

Of course, to establish this core there has to be true respect and trust. I think your friend probably values your opinion because he can't get the harsh truth from others, or perhaps they can't give it as well. Even if it hurts, we know it's best to see an issue from all viewpoints. Having someone like that around will help you mature and become a more well rounded and "complete" person. The idea of becoming the best person you can be seems like a typical INFP ideal to me, so that could be a part of the explanation.

Hope this helps

 

[perfectcircle]

Guessing why:
-because you are real, honest, and true to yourself, and infps appreciate people who are not fake
-you may be a little different and he can relate to that
-he knows you trust him alone which shows you think he is important, whichs means the friendship is reciprocal, something to be treasured
-we are loyal and invest in our friends
-he tihnks you have a good soul/heart
-hell why is anyone friends with anyone, the dude just likes you.

 

[Knight_In_Rags]

What I don't understand is why he even bothers to deal with all the insensitive remarks I have to offer.

Suppose you were to find yourself in a friendship like this, what is it that would keep you from ending it? What motivates you to deal with blunt comments and annoying logic, or careless negative remarks directed at things you like, that is, assuming you were in a situation like this one?

lol I don't care about your insensitive remarks, jayz xD And your logic is still precious and we know it. You know it helped me a lot.

 

[Rainbow]

Dale Carnegie said When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
and it's true. as i read your heartfelt sincere inquiry to INFPs, i see you aren't as logical as you present yourself to people.
you are careful about how you act, and it bothers you to have to say coldhearted things to people you care about. it's a classic battle, of ego/mind and heart. do what makes you feel at ease with those around you, thus making them feel at ease.
the heart accepts people's actions and who they are for their flaws, too. no matter if someone is too emotional, too rational, your heart loves them. but your mind can convince you they aren't deserving of your affections... it's all up to what you really want.
if someone's there for you, show them how much you appreciate them.

 

[unclebigs]

Sorry for invading your part of the forum, but I have a question that I seem to be incapable of answering on my own, and unanswered questions often drive me insane.

Throughout my life, I have been called a wide variety of names. Insensitive Jerk, Asshole, Arrogant Bastard, Stubborn Mule; the list goes on.

I am not a warm and cuddly stuffed animal. I am the kind of person who would bluntly tell a girl that her clothes make her look fat, tell an infatuated person that love doesn't make sense, and shoot down optimistic dreams or hopes with cold rationale.

I have a number of friends, but do not trust them. It seems all my life, out of all those friends, I've only ever trusted one.

He's INFP.

We've known each other for about eleven years. I don't give him any special treatment and he gets the same blunt comments that others get from me. We have differences and similarities, mostly differences, but somehow, we get along, despite his personality being almost the opposite of mine.

What I don't understand is why he even bothers to deal with all the insensitive remarks I have to offer. I'm not nice and I know it. I don't plan on changing, and he knows it. He dislikes it when I get too logical. I dislike it when he gets too emotional. Yet, he's probably the only human being I could openly discuss anything with. We're more like brothers, and I'd hate to imagine a life without him in it. It's like he keeps me from becoming any colder than I already am; keeps me human in a twisted sort of way.

I don't really understand how the mind of an INFP works, and I would rather not ask him myself, as doing so would feel awkward, so I'm depending on the INFPs in this forum.

Suppose you were to find yourself in a friendship like this, what is it that would keep you from ending it? What motivates you to deal with blunt comments and annoying logic, or careless negative remarks directed at things you like, that is, assuming you were in a situation like this one? Because honestly, this is something I don't understand.

I'm simply trying to learn more about how the INFP mind works, because unlike problems that have structural forms, I find this much more difficult to comprehend. INFPs are amazing. If you actually read all of this, you have my respect. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me gain a little bit of insight on the INFP brain. Thank you in advance, and thank you for even bothering to read this.

Yes INFP's are amazing. If he's got half a brain I hope he doesn't become romantically involved with you. He likely is warm, affectionate and romantic. You're not and never will be.

You deserve somebody like yourself. A cold, insensitive, selfish person who doesn't want to kiss or hold after sex.

 

[PumpkinEater]

W're as loyal as dogs. you know us for long enough, we won't leave you. simple as that.

 

[Tyrant]

I honestly wasn't expecting so many answers, but wow.
Should say thanks to everyone who posted. I'm starting to understand INFPs a little more now. I never would've guessed some of the things mentioned here. I've gained a lot of insight from you people.

As a side note, honestly people such as yourself tend to fascinate me and draw me in simply out of curiosity. Usually, I find when someone behaves this way they are intentionally trying to keep people at bay. They don't want to deal with the people surrounding them for whatever reason. Maybe reject before they can be rejected? I realize this is not mere curiosity from your friend since your relationship has been 11 yrs, he genuinely has an investment and sincerity behind it. But for my own self, I am curious as to why if you know the effect your comments and remarks have on people (and I assume in some way you view your behavior as a negative from what you said in your post), why then would you continue doing it unless you are receiving the response that you are desiring? ....alienation in a sense. What do you gain by continuing to treat people this way and be consciously aware of it? Please don't feel I am judging you, I am just wondering if it is more of a habit that turned into a behavior? or if the things you say give you pleasure after receiving a certain response? or are you truly just using your words to keep people from getting any closer?

Don't worry, it takes a lot to offend me. I don't think you're judging me, and even if you were, frankly, I wouldn't care. I'll try to answer your question. I wouldn't call it a habit that turned into a behavior. If anything, I could switch it off whenever I wanted to. I just don't.
I'd rather people didn't come close, mainly for two reasons.
For one, the absence of love or things that you care for, brings pain and suffering. If I didn't have friends, I wouldn't be bothered if they walked out of my life. You can't miss something you've never had. I trust one person who happens to be unique enough to have captured my attention and curiosity. That is enough.

The second reason is the fact that I dislike it when people can read me perfectly. There is nothing I fear more than strangers being able to understand why I think and feel the way I do. It makes me feel vulnerable. It means others with such knowledge can predict my actions. To put it simply, if I had an enemy, I would observe him, try to think like him, and understand him. Know him, learn everything about him. Everyone has a weakness. Perhaps more than one. Those who can hurt them the most are the ones closest to them. In the end, it is a matter of trust. You let people be close to you, you open up a few vulnerable points and risk getting hurt by the ones you love. By having one friend, I give others a chance to take a stab at me. This only works when you trust that the friend in question will not hurt you. But this is just the way I see it. I realize it may be far from the truth, but I feel better thinking this way.
Hopefully, that answered your question.

lol I don't care about your insensitive remarks, jayz xD And your logic is still precious and we know it. You know it helped me a lot.

C'mon, dude, I don't know if you care or not. You're always laughing and deflecting the shit I say with light-hearted jokes. I can never tell if you're ignoring it or storing it away in your head. I'm not going to forgive myself if I you just break down some day or start crying for no reason again.

Yes INFP's are amazing. If he's got half a brain I hope he doesn't become romantically involved with you. He likely is warm, affectionate and romantic. You're not and never will be.

You deserve somebody like yourself. A cold, insensitive, selfish person who doesn't want to kiss or hold after sex.

I definitely hope not. That would be gay as hell. If he did, I would be scared shitless from the pure awkwardness of the situation, and his girlfriend would be driven insane.

And you just described me perfectly. Congratulations. Except for the gay part. That's not so cool.

 

[Zeitgeist]

My best friend is an INTP and I find him warm and cuddly! Although, maybe it's just that I'm so comfortable around him that I invade his personal bubble frequently with hugs and cuddles. Hm.

I love INTPs. They are so mellow and all that mellowness mellows me out. C and I have the best conversations and his preference for logic doesn't offend me in the slightest. I like it, it gives me a different perspective and balances me out. His only downside is his subjective notion of time, where 15 minutes could mean 2 hours or more. INTPs could probably do more to be considerate of time and plans made, although to be honest, I'm not really offended by that either.