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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am an INTJ female (took the test 3x) crushing on an ENFJ male (took test 1x) for 4 years now.

A little background on him: He's 2 years older than me. (I'm 27, he's 29). He got out of a 4-year relationship with his ex-gf 6 years ago. I met him 5 years ago as an acquaintance through a friend of a friend's party. We added each other up on facebook and we'd like each other's posts from time to time. His field and hobbies are more on the artistic side. He is in theater and acting. The first time I saw him, I thought he was one of the most good-looking guys I've ever seen. Neat, with good build. He was polite, gentlemanly, and neat. He has good people skills and had no trouble engaging people in a conversation. He has his group of friends and he exudes this aura of being a leader amongst them, I can't explain it. Yeah he's attractive but not usually the type I'd like because he just seemed like he has this barrier of caution around him, and that he was always careful and worried of what others thought about him; I don't know if it's insecurity but it did feel like it. I was more into guys who exuded that aura of certainty with a good balance of recklessness.

The more we interacted on occasional get-togethers, the more I started to get drawn to him and his quirks more. For instance, he'd crack a joke and no one would get it, but the fact that he would have this confused look that no one was laughing was adorable (well I thought so, but my face won't show it) (and yes, as an INTJ, I was one of those pricks who wouldn't laugh at his jokes simply because they weren't funny. But he'd shrug it off eventually and go back to being his cool self. But then minutes later, I'd remember his jokes and would get replayed in my mind unconsciously. Again, it's not the content I'm amused with, it was his attitude when no one was laughing). So after a few more months of occasionally interacting on FB and some more get-togethers, the more I realized that I may be crushing on him. So I asked our mutual friends more about him if he's, you know, available (INTJ investigating mode on). They said he was, but not looking for a relationship right now. My friends' theories were pretty much the same - he's still not over his ex even after 2 years has already passed since breaking up. It also confirmed my hunch because he was always posting these heartbroken, 'moving on' quotes on his FB from time to time. So after hearing these from our friends, I stopped myself from pursuing him because I don't want to get invested emotionally when I know there is no return of investment. I'd rather spend the time doing something productive in real-life. But the more I suppressed my feelings, the more he stayed in my mind, just clawing itself onto my brain for dear life.

So instead of letting the feelings bottle up inside, and since I was not the type to share my feelings openly to other people, I chose to write a REALLY long letter about my feelings for him. It was not meant to be sent, just an outlet for the overflowing feelings. But 3 years ago was when the interesting part happened. One of my friends was browsing on my phone when she found that letter. OH THAT STUPID LETTER. I have even forgotten I typed that one. I was doing my paper, and this friend had a little too much to drink, and the next thing I know, she muttered 'oops'. I looked at what the deal was about, and the next thing I knew...she just sent the freaking letter to his FB email, copied and pasted. I kid you not. Worst night ever. Think 'To All The Boys I've Ever Loved'. Never think it won't happen to you. Needless to say, I didn't talk to this friend for a day. But being an INTJ, I tried to rationalize the situation. And maybe I thought it was time that Enfj guy knew too. And part of me was glad that my friend did it. Maybe it was a beautiful accident? We still laugh about it from time to time though. But for the email, well I emailed ENFJ guy immediately after it happened and explained the situation. There was no reply. I took that 'no reply' as a sign that he's not interested. Finally, I could get on with my life and free up my emotional memory space for other prospective "crushes". Yes, only "crushes". I haven't had any boyfriends because I'm too busy with med school, so no time to go out and mingle for the purpose of dating. I did get asked out a few times in high school but again, busy with academic life, and simply because they didn't hold my interest.

I thought I finally got the closure I needed, but a few weeks after that, I noticed something weird about his FB posts. I didn't want to be complacent that he may be browsing through my page. Like on his past posts, he mentioned about being a health fanatic, like hitting the gym and avoiding carbs at all cost. But one morning, I posted about Krispy Kreme and a few hours later, he posted a box of Krispy Kreme. One time, I posted about these cute pic of golden retriever puppies on my feed, then a few days later, he posted a sweater with a puppy logo on it, one that he got from donating in a charity for animals. I also have a tendency to use certain phrases on my comments to other friends' posts which he also started saying on his posts out of the blue. One time, I had to post a pic of me in my new white coat, then a few days later, he posted a pic of him wearing his brother's white coat (his brother works in an R&D lab). There was also a time when I posted about staying up all night to do a paper in neurosciences, then a few days later, he was wearing a jacket with a logo of the human mind. I also had this favorite meme that I posted, something about lecturing yourself in the mirror, and a few hours later, he also posted meme with the same text content, but with different pic.

I don't know if I'm just seeing things the way I want to see them. And I would try to rationalize the situation by thinking these are just mere coincidences. Or just things that I just want to see from his actions. But there are times when I think that when such "coincidences" happen too often, are they still coincidences, or are they done on purpose? Note that we haven't talked since that 'letter' incident. I don't know if this is a passive-aggressive way of sending a message across or I'm just reading too much into it.

Question 1: What do ENFJs think about this? Is he doing it on purpose? Or I'm just reading too much into it? If he is doing it on purpose, I think it's a brutal way to play with my mind or tease me. Also, if indeed being done on purpose, what does it mean when Enfj does this? ( I know he's an ENFJ, Enfj-A to be exact since he posted it on his FB one time).

Question 2: I want to hit him up on FB messenger and ask him if he is doing it on purpose, in a nice joking way. Would it be a good idea to do? I don't have time for mind games and I don't want to assume. I want direct and straightforward. Would a direct approach seem the best way to do it?

Question 3: He still would post heartbroken quotes on FB, but not as frequent as before. Like once every 3 months. He also writes songs. He actually wrote 3 songs. 2 songs about being hurt from an ex-gf. 1 song about a dream girl he wants to approach, in this song he quoted some words from an FB post I made about the place I traveled to last year. (He may be one of the artsiest ENFJs that I know). It may sound like I'm full of myself but is it safe to assume that the latter song may be about me? Trust me, I tried to think that it's impossible to be me, because ENFJs are social people and there may also be another girl that he is trying to court or like. So I really don't know what to think. Is he still recovering from his previous wounds? What do ENFJs think about this action of his?

One of our mutual friends will be getting married next year. ENFJ guy is in the close circle of friends of our mutual friend so there's a huge possibility he'll be invited.

Question 4: I'm thinking of approaching him and flirting with him a bit during the oarty, and see how it would go from there. But I'm having second thoughts (overthinking Intj mode on) about doing this since it may turn out that I just thought too much about his FB posts, thinking they were about me. That he may not really be interested, to think that he hasn't sent a response for that Letter Accident 3 years ago. Would an ENFJ male get annoyed if I approach him? I know I'm asking a stupid question right now, but my INTJ mind has like 8 voices throwing their opinions left and right and my overthinking is just making me confused. (No, I don't have schizophrenia). Some may think I may be mistyped for having such urge for social initiatives like this (trust me I thought so too, but I already took the test 3x, and it came back as 'INTJ' (with 50-50 tendency for E/INTJ). Maybe because we're trained to face different people everyday as part of our med internship. So that might contribute too.

Question 5: Since our friend's wedding is too far away because of corona, is it okay if I send a friendly message to this Enfj male to just ask how he's doing during this Corona outbreak? Or would it scare him away or annoy him? He hasn't posted for 3 months now. Would it be okay to sound him out?

I don't know what to do and think anymore. I just want him to be prompt and forward about whether he likes me or not. Or maybe it's time for me to just forget about this guy and move on? I also like this last thought. Recently, I'm trying my best to forget him but this crush is going stronger every day that I even dreamt of him 2 nights in a row a few weeks ago, and last night. I realized I needed insights on my situation with this ENFJ guy. Right now, I'm doing the 'out of sight, out of my mind' approach. Would he notice if I block him on FB? Part of me thinks that he may be looking at my posts, and there's also the part that he may not be looking at my posts really and it's all just in my head. But if he is browsing thru my posts then I also want to send the message that I don't want to be played like that so I blocked him, which I did last week. Is this too much? Am I blowing up my chances with him? Or is this the smart thing to do?

All opinions are welcome and appreciated. Thanks!
 
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That was a long post. It means it matters.

Not an enfj here, but as being like you are, and relating to whats going on in your mind, I would want to point out that if this person is enfj, then play is normal. What you need to figure out first is if he really is what he claims himself to be, and just take it from there.

Then, I would try to get to know one another a bit more, even if just virtually, before setting up a date. Just pick up a quiz from the google about questions on dates or the equivalent and check out compatibility a bit first. Good looks, artistic, a broken heart and indirect seducting techniques can cover a decent man, but normally those are feathers that hide more than reveal. So, I would start diggin in for more info before crushing. And if all is good, then why not take it to the next level.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
That was a long post. It means it matters.

Not an enfj here, but as being like you are, and relating to whats going on in your mind, I would want to point out that if this person is enfj, then play is normal. What you need to figure out first is if he really is what he claims himself to be, and just take it from there.

Then, I would try to get to know one another a bit more, even if just virtually, before setting up a date. Just pick up a quiz from the google about questions on dates or the equivalent and check out compatibility a bit first. Good looks, artistic, a broken heart and indirect seducting techniques can cover a decent man, but normally those are feathers that hide more than reveal. So, I would start diggin in for more info before crushing. And if all is good, then why not take it to the next level.
"Good looks, artistic, a broken heart and indirect seducting techniques can cover a decent man, but normally those are feathers that hide more than reveal."

This is a beautiful line. Are you a writer by chance?
I'll try to keep this in mind. I'm just afraid that in my pursuit of knowing more info about him, I might be dubbed as a stalker by my friends Lol. But yes, I agree that I should know more about him. Thank you very much for the lovely insight!
 
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Beautiful or less than mediocre, its worthwhile taking in consideration as it can save you the gray hair I have. Or at least most of it.

No. Im no writer. Im a someone who works in agriculture. You know, simple people.

Again, knowing the other BEFORE any dates is a life jacket.

Hope an enfj will respond you as well asap. Not many of them here, but those that are should offer some spot on pointers. Good people, Chris Kyle would be an example to compare to, if you like. Anyway, Im positive youll succeed in the incoming study.
 

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No advice to give as I'm younger and dumber and less experienced than you, but I hope you succeed. What a heartwarming post.
 

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I'm not going to comment my thoughts, because no two humans behave the same.

Seems like you'll have to go out and get the answers yourself, it's not like you have anything to lose, because he's showing signs of awkwardness.

Things may work out for you. But ask yourself; do you really want a man you have to babysit?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I'm not going to comment my thoughts, because no two humans behave the same.

Seems like you'll have to go out and get the answers yourself, it's not like you have anything to lose, because he's showing signs of awkwardness.

Things may work out for you. But ask yourself; do you really want a man you have to babysit?
Thanks for the insight!

I just want to obtain clarification on this line though - "do you really want a man you have to babysit? ". Are you referring to the ENFJ trait that they have certain emotional needs that a partner should meet? Or you're thinking that this guy in particular is acting childish? Because my crush for him may be clouding my judgement so I can't observe things that others can.
 

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Thanks for the insight!

I just want to obtain clarification on this line though - "do you really want a man you have to babysit? ". Are you referring to the ENFJ trait that they have certain emotional needs that a partner should meet? Or you're thinking that this guy in particular is acting childish? Because my crush for him may be clouding my judgement so I can't observe things that others can.
No, that's not said in general in regards to type.

Others can't truly know whats going on here, since were not in your shoes. You can have the answers easily by interacting with him by this point.
 

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Hi Ms. Summer,

I’m an ENFJ adult female who was a professional matchmaker for a time. Let it go. Let him go. Free yourself. There are so many people in the world - there is someone who you are compatible with, someone who lights up over your love and will embrace your romantic letter and won’t leave you in a lurch. Someone with conviction, who validates the gravity of your romantic heart, intelligence, effort, drive, and compassion to heal. This ENFJ man isn’t him. You are a metaphor, a puzzle piece, not a matching person - to him - not a concrete possibility.

ENFJs are ashamed by our capacity to degrade a person, and we are often oblivious and in denial. We are harmony seekers who strive for fairness, but we are extraverted feelers who intuit situations - we process how other people’s feelings affect the harmony of our environment, and then we adjust in a way to collaborate.

We ENFJs work to mitigate how our feelings affect the harmony of an environment, so we selfom consider that others aren’t doing the same - and if it seems they aren’t, we often brush them off as immature, in a stage of selfishness that everyone must learn to overcome for the greater good. He has processed your feelings as insubstantial wishes, and he intuits them like those of his own wishes of love that he perceives as selfish and immature, that collectively, we are all working on individually to overcome.

So, you see, he processes your feelings as a esoteric symbolism, some metaphysical piece of direction in his ENFJ brain’s narrative / spiritual roadmap towards determining the meaning of intimacy and pain.

You aren’t something to him, you are a lesson that applies to him, you are a shadow in the Platos cave of illusion - a chimera of what love could look like. Your feelings restore a sense of power that he has lost - that he can’t understand - your feelings are an inspirational reminder love isn’t always reciprocated - love is chance - and anyone can be on either side of the coin. If you were to call him out on this, it’s unlikely he would admit to the way he has minimized you as part of a conceptual issue, but to be fair, he feels he is symbolic to you too.

His conviction is that you won’t spark each other’s imagination. He knows you value the mystique you perceive - that you built around him, and that you’re pursuing validation; someone in your life who is important to you didn’t validate you the way you needed to be validated, and he knows you focused that need to be validated on him. He knows that instinctively because you don’t think his jokes are funny. You aren’t delighted by his ability to make puns and art, so you can’t share in his witty silliness - that’s his coping mechanism - it softens the severity of the intensity that he puts into being a devoted and responsible adult. Your values don’t align - you’re amused at him, not with him. You’re an spectator, not a partner. His humor, is who he is - he is his coping mechanism - it’s his endless supply of smiles and his bonding agent to keep him and his partner emotionally happy and close. Therefore, you’re at an impasse before you begin.

One of the most important pieces of advice that I, a stranger, could ever give you, is that 99% of what people do has nothing to do with you. Even if it involves you, it doesn’t really involve YOU. There isn’t truth to the figment of the you that’s directed by anyone else’s world view - lead by a lifetime of experiences and traumas and hope for redemption. The words someone speaks to you or about you today were influenced by everything they experienced in their day leading up that moment, 99% of which didn’t involve you at all. Then consider that day was already shaped by an entire life of experiences.

Whatever he thinks of you, whenever he might might notice you, however he paints you on his canvas, however big or small the brushstroke, whatever color, or shape, it’s not you. It’s him, at most you’ve impacted his artistic technique in his sojourn to improve his mark on humanity’s mural.

What I’m saying is he might borrow motifs from you from time to time, that show up on his Facebook, but it’s not because he’s trying to bring YOU in to his painting, he’s trying to learn your lesson to better himself.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Hi Ms. Summer,

I’m an ENFJ adult female who was a professional matchmaker for a time. Let it go. Let him go. Free yourself. There are so many people in the world - there is someone who you are compatible with, someone who lights up over your love and will embrace your romantic letter and won’t leave you in a lurch. Someone with conviction, who validates the gravity of your romantic heart, intelligence, effort, drive, and compassion to heal. This ENFJ man isn’t him. You are a metaphor, a puzzle piece, not a matching person - to him - not a concrete possibility.

ENFJs are ashamed by our capacity to degrade a person, and we are often oblivious and in denial. We are harmony seekers who strive for fairness, but we are extraverted feelers who intuit situations - we process how other people’s feelings affect the harmony of our environment, and then we adjust in a way to collaborate.

We ENFJs work to mitigate how our feelings affect the harmony of an environment, so we selfom consider that others aren’t doing the same - and if it seems they aren’t, we often brush them off as immature, in a stage of selfishness that everyone must learn to overcome for the greater good. He has processed your feelings as insubstantial wishes, and he intuits them like those of his own wishes of love that he perceives as selfish and immature, that collectively, we are all working on individually to overcome.

So, you see, he processes your feelings as a esoteric symbolism, some metaphysical piece of direction in his ENFJ brain’s narrative / spiritual roadmap towards determining the meaning of intimacy and pain.

You aren’t something to him, you are a lesson that applies to him, you are a shadow in the Platos cave of illusion - a chimera of what love could look like. Your feelings restore a sense of power that he has lost - that he can’t understand - your feelings are an inspirational reminder love isn’t always reciprocated - love is chance - and anyone can be on either side of the coin. If you were to call him out on this, it’s unlikely he would admit to the way he has minimized you as part of a conceptual issue, but to be fair, he feels he is symbolic to you too.

His conviction is that you won’t spark each other’s imagination. He knows you value the mystique you perceive - that you built around him, and that you’re pursuing validation; someone in your life who is important to you didn’t validate you the way you needed to be validated, and he knows you focused that need to be validated on him. He knows that instinctively because you don’t think his jokes are funny. You aren’t delighted by his ability to make puns and art, so you can’t share in his witty silliness - that’s his coping mechanism - it softens the severity of the intensity that he puts into being a devoted and responsible adult. Your values don’t align - you’re amused at him, not with him. You’re an spectator, not a partner. His humor, is who he is - he is his coping mechanism - it’s his endless supply of smiles and his bonding agent to keep him and his partner emotionally happy and close. Therefore, you’re at an impasse before you begin.

One of the most important pieces of advice that I, a stranger, could ever give you, is that 99% of what people do has nothing to do with you. Even if it involves you, it doesn’t really involve YOU. There isn’t truth to the figment of the you that’s directed by anyone else’s world view - lead by a lifetime of experiences and traumas and hope for redemption. The words someone speaks to you or about you today were influenced by everything they experienced in their day leading up that moment, 99% of which didn’t involve you at all. Then consider that day was already shaped by an entire life of experiences.

Whatever he thinks of you, whenever he might might notice you, however he paints you on his canvas, however big or small the brushstroke, whatever color, or shape, it’s not you. It’s him, at most you’ve impacted his artistic technique in his sojourn to improve his mark on humanity’s mural.

What I’m saying is he might borrow motifs from you from time to time, that show up on his Facebook, but it’s not because he’s trying to bring YOU in to his painting, he’s trying to learn your lesson to better himself.
Thank you very much for this very detailed insight. I really appreciate it.

This is the wake-up call that I denied myself for so long. At first, the "what ifs" excited me, but then it started to exhaust me. Most of the time, I live inside my head, imagining possibilities. But I knew deep down that sooner or later, I'd have to face the hard fact of reality that he's just not into me. I was just delaying the inevitable but now I think it's time to swallow the bitter truth. Other people in my life think it's just a crush, but this crush happened in my late twenties where I am already building up my own career and life, and where I finally think I am ready to open my heart and share my ups and downs with another person. This guy came into picture, and if I'm being honest, he is the first guy I imagine doing all of it with. I don't know if it's him, or just the ideal picture that I painted of him, or the mere idea of a "guy like him". But he's already taken up too much of my mental bandwidth thinking of him while I receive nothing in return even if I laid it out for him so I just have to cut my losses and move on. I refuse to give him any more of it.

It has been a week since I put up this post. I'm still in the healing phase after blocking and cutting contact with him on social media. I feel sad but aside from my crush on him and thoughts of what could have been, I realize that there is really nothing to mourn about. No happy or sad memories being together, that sort of stuff. So I guess it would be a lot easier. My mind has been clearer since I started this 'cleansing' process and I just realized what I want and need, and what I don't want and don't need. I still haven't shunned away the thought of a relationship because again, I haven't been in one. It has dynamics which I'm yet to learn. I guess I'll just see what happens from here and look on the bright side. As you have pointed out, this guy is simply just not for me and there are still others out there. Relationships take a lot of effort but I still believe that there are aspects of it where things just flow smoothly when you meet the right person.
 
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