[Typical]

Hello,

I've been with my ESTJ for about a year now. I was wondering how I could communicate with my ESTJ without us both going nuts?

For example, my ESTJ does not understand the meaning of his actions, at times. He can explode and get absolutely appalled that I'm angry and hurt over his actions. He gives 100 million reasons why he did what he did, but in the end, his actions were completely irrational and uncalled for. And then piles the blame on me for reacting to his behavior. He wants me to react "calmly" while he can freely react in anyway towards my reasoning. He is quite a simple guy; I'm rather complex.

How can I get through to an ESTJ without confusing the fuck out of him? How do I administer my opinion and point of view that makes sense to him. He seriously doesn't understand when I tell him he's yelling/whining like a banshee. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Nothing I say makes any sense to him, our values are so different.

Sorry if I'm not being too coherent with my examples, however, I'm at a loss right now. Thanks.

 

[agreenbough]

I'd suggest reacting with less emotion. My ESTJ seems a bit freaked out by strong emotion, and gets defensive. He'll give reasons for what he did, too, but I only hear the first couple of reasons, and tend to revert back to being emotional. His logic seems as irrelevant to me as my emotion does to him. He may truly not undersatnd why you're angry, and feel a need to defend himself. You should tell him exactly what upset you, because even if it seems obvious to you, he's probably seeing it in a completely different way.

 

[Typical]

I'd suggest reacting with less emotion. My ESTJ seems a bit freaked out by strong emotion, and gets defensive. He'll give reasons for what he did, too, but I only hear the first couple of reasons, and tend to revert back to being emotional. His logic seems as irrelevant to me as my emotion does to him. He may truly not undersatnd why you're angry, and feel a need to defend himself. You should tell him exactly what upset you, because even if it seems obvious to you, he's probably seeing it in a completely different way.

Hi Agreenbough,

I see what you mean. He does get really weird and awkward around emotions. However, a lot of times, I explain to him *calmly* and he still doesn't understand. I'm dumbfounded. He's so fixated on himself that I'm apprehensive about even just basically trying to resolve an issue.

 

[agreenbough]

I can certainly relate to that. It's very frustrating when I think I've calmly and clearly explained my point of view and he still looks at me like I'm from another planet. It does make me reluctant to talk about anything important when, in the back of my mind, I'm expecting to not be understood.
I wish I had the answer - this is an issue I've been strugglling with myself for a very long time.

 

[Typical]

I can certainly relate to that. It's very frustrating when I think I've calmly and clearly explained my point of view and he still looks at me like I'm from another planet. It does make me reluctant to talk about anything important when, in the back of my mind, I'm expecting to not be understood.
I wish I had the answer - this is an issue I've been strugglling with myself for a very long time.

Exactly! It seems my ESTJ thinks everything is an *attack* on his character or who he thinks he is. When I am simply trying to communicate. I try to switch the way I approach things, but nothing seems to work.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[KrystRay]

Let him be. He'll come around. Or tell him what he wants to hear. We like to be humored.

 

[tskim]

My ISFP is going through the same problem with me right now. It's difficult for him to communicate to me when I always make the situation intense and start to point fingers and hold him accountable for it for so long. I personally think your ESTJ has a double standard. I've been trying to deal with that as a way of trying to change for our relationship and for it to work, we can communicate and we wont have any problems and either of us gets pissed. When i'm angry, I cant understand anyone elses point but mine and I always think that im right so whatever it is that my ISFP says, it doesnt get through to my head. What worked for us temporarily though is when he tells me what it is that im doing when im calm and when he opens up and straightforwardly tells me whats wrong. Give him some time to cool off and then tell him what it is thats bothering you about him and consider the problems and talk it out together. Hope this helps!

 

[WickedQueen]

For example, my ESTJ does not understand the meaning of his actions, at times. He can explode and get absolutely appalled that I'm angry and hurt over his actions. He gives 100 million reasons why he did what he did, but in the end, his actions were completely irrational and uncalled for.

Doesn't sound like ESTJ, imo.

 

[Inquiery]

I'd suggest reacting with less emotion. My ESTJ seems a bit freaked out by strong emotion, and gets defensive. He'll give reasons for what he did, too, but I only hear the first couple of reasons, and tend to revert back to being emotional. His logic seems as irrelevant to me as my emotion does to him. He may truly not undersatnd why you're angry, and feel a need to defend himself. You should tell him exactly what upset you, because even if it seems obvious to you, he's probably seeing it in a completely different way.

I have to agree with this , unfortunately. ESTJs are not very compromising, they want to run the relationship and really just want you to go along for the ride. Not to say they are bad partners, but that is their mindset. He probably has many positive relationship practices that you enjoy and he is unwavering in giving.

Not only do they not compromise, but they also literally won't be able to understand you unless they're pretty mature. So, yea, you may have to do all the "work" here to reach a compromise.

I would tell him "I need ________ in order to be more happy (or just happy) in our relationship. As long as your request isn't unreasonable, he won't have much to work with there and argue with you.

 

[TreeBob]

This thread is now closed. The original op hasn't come on the forum since she made the posts.