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I made this post in ESTJ forum first because I thought they will have information, but only one person answered. So, I get here, which I think is the proper forum:




Hi, I post here because a friend of mine (who I'm very sure he is an ESTJ) is in a toxic relationship with a very unhealthy INFP/ENFP (not sure about E/I part, maybe she is ambivert).

They argue every time they meet, she is constantly making hurtful jokes when she is with him and she prefer to spend the weekend with his father and the dog than to be with him. Meanwhile, he is making presents to her, organizing partys to her and trying to be everything working.

Everyone is telling to him that his partner is now worrying about the relationship. I know he is not perfect and he has make mistakes, but I think this is too much. The last thing I know, from an hour ago, is that he left his Facebook open is her house and she cheked all the messages he has with me. He is my best best friend, so he tells me everything, including when he is upset or estressed. I was talking to him, and said that he was worried, because in that messages he said inappropiate things and now she is upset. He wanted to apologize because of the content of that conversations. I told him that looking other persons private messages was very innapropiate, and he cannot allow her to do that. I am myself upset because she was incindentally also looking to my messages.

He is having problems with other things in his life, and because all this he is feeling a bit depressed.

I have talked with people close to me, and they told me to help him, but not get too involved.

I'm trying to support him, and, until now, seems to work. Anyway, any advice would help.
 

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Auntie Duckie
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I think all you can really do is support him and be his friend. People will make mistakes, but it's their life and their mistakes.

It puts you in an uncomfortable and difficult situation, and it is not fair at times... but that's just part of life and friendship.


Just be there for your friend. It's the best thing you can do.



-ZDD
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Well, I see I'm not crazy and it's normal that I'm worried. Yes, I have this feeling that it's not fair.

Since I talked with close people to this, I finally understood that is his life and his decisions, and I have to respect them, even if I don't like it.

I'll be here and continue fighting for him, in my own way.

Thanks for the advice.
 

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The ENFP/INFP can be sincere, unless they feel their principles are being attacked, which is when they flip the personality switch into this harsh, get-away-from-me type. It's next to impossible to flip it for them. They have to see you support them and their ideals before they flip, and even then may be cautious for quite some time. If your friend feels their efforts aren't working the nfp probably was emotionally scarred to the point of no return. In that case he needs to calmly and peaceably walk away from this and let her be.


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My ESTJ friend went through a similar thing with his INFP girlfriend (now wife). He was so determined to hang on, and eventually she got therapy and on medication and now they are really happy. (Newlyweds)

It's extremely natural to worry about your friends when you think they are in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there's little you can do except listen and be there for him because he's gonna do what he wants anyway. Which is an annoying truth. ZDD was spot-on.

Basically, in these situations the person might feel cornered if everyone is being negative at them. So you have a road to walk that's kind of narrow, being supportive but not enabling. You can also distract him or turn his mind to other positive things in the world, there's a world he inhabits and she's not part of it. Reminding friends that there is still good in life when things look shitty is a great gift. Sometimes compassion/listening and just showing up and being there makes a huge difference.
 
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