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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Alright b4 I begin I just want to say that I don't know 100% that she is ESFJ. She is definitely extraverted, a feeler, and a judger though and that leaves ENFJ as the only other type. I've known a lot of ENFJs and I doubt she is one of them. Hopefully, as I describe the situation you may be able to tell her type by her behaviour.

I'll try to summarize this as best I can (if you would like more details let me know). Essentially, the gist of it is this: I believed that she liked me (whether she liked me or not I'm still unsure) and before asking her out I told my friends and followed their advice, but it ended up creeping her out a lot. After she said no, I didn't speak to her for a while (I figured she was creeped out and didn't want to speak to me). I haven't spoken to her in a few months, but I get the vibe that she wants to talk to me.

The rest of this will use many details. There have been a few occassions where I've said hi to one of my friends and she turned around completely to face me as if I was talking to her. This happened once when I was walking behind her (didn't even notice her until after I said hi to my friend *facepalm*) she half-turned like she was about to say something, then kept walking. This last bit is what's really messing with my head. I passed her in the hall the other day and she said "sorry". I was kind of day-dreaming, but she said it fairly loudly so it got my attention after I walked by. (Although I assumed she was just talking to her friend). Then, a few days later, I was in a study hall with her, it was our last class of the day. All her friends waited by the door for the bell to ring and I got nervous thinking she'd be up there too, but she wasn't. I was definitely one of the last people to leave and as I left I heard a girl, who sounded like her, say, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry" just like that. However, I didn't turn around and I guess I came off like I didn't hear it.

Alright well that about covers the gist of it. Again, if you want more details let me know. For now, I'm just curious to hear if you think she is an ESFJ and if so, can you explain her behaviour and give me advice on what to do?
 

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Auntie Duckie
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So... go ask her out again?

"<insert her name here>, I've been wanting to go see <insert name of movie, location, whatever> and wanted to know if you would like to go with me to see it?"

If she asks "is this a date", say "yes" and smile.

If she says "No" then smile and say "OK, thanks for being honest".


-ZDD
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
So... go ask her out again?

"<insert her name here>, I've been wanting to go see <insert name of movie, location, whatever> and wanted to know if you would like to go with me to see it?"

If she asks "is this a date", say "yes" and smile.

If she says "No" then smile and say "OK, thanks for being honest".


-ZDD
Seriously? That's it? haha. I mean I was hoping you could at least tell me whether she was actually interested again or if she was doing this b/c it was some ESFJ thing.

Plus, we literally haven't spoken in MONTHS. I thought ESFJs didn't like out of the blue, spontaneous things like this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yeah, it's really that simple :)

Go and be nice, polite and honest (within reason). Just ask her.


-ZDD
Seriously? It's just...I don't know. I figured it wouldn't work like that. I figured that she wouldn't want me to do something out of the blue. I figured that I should know whether or not she likes me first. I figured that I should know whether or not she is just trying to mend things first. There is so much that I wanted to consider that I wanted to be sure of.

Now that you said it, I'm just in disbelief of how it can possibly be that simple.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
And if she does say no and I respond with the whole thank you thing, should I then suggest being friends? Would that be the best way to handle it?
 

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Auntie Duckie
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should I then suggest being friends? Would that be the best way to handle it?
When you say "OK, thanks for being honest" (and then sincerely smile) and walk away you are done. If she approaches you later, great. If not, don't stalk the poor girl, lol.

Btw, to practice your sincere smile, go to a room where you can turn off the lights. Bring a mirror. Turn off the lights and give your best sincere smile to the mirror and then turn the lights back on.

It's enlightening to see how badly you smile while thinking you are giving a nice big grin. Takes practice and most people don't realize how bad they smile. A warm/sincere smile will get you a lot of places in this world.


-ZDD
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
When you say "OK, thanks for being honest" (and then sincerely smile) and walk away you are done. If she approaches you later, great. If not, don't stalk the poor girl, lol.

Btw, to practice your sincere smile, go to a room where you can turn off the lights. Bring a mirror. Turn off the lights and give your best sincere smile to the mirror and then turn the lights back on.

It's enlightening to see how badly you smile while thinking you are giving a nice big grin. Takes practice and most people don't realize how bad they smile. A warm/sincere smile will get you a lot of places in this world.

-ZDD
Wait. This is exactly what I did last time, well almost. I walked away and literally did not talk to her for a long time. Was that the right response? I didn't know how to act in social scenarios where we are both part of the same group. There was tension and stuff.

Plus, don't ESFJs like harmony and all that? Wouldn't she want to be friends? Or if she wanted to be just friends would she let me know that? I'm not sure about your advice.

*Edit*- I just thought of this too. What if this whole thing she is doing now, the way she is acting right now, is b/c she simply wants to be friends and doesn't know how I'll respond? It doesn't seem like you are taking this into account. I mean don't get me wrong I'd love it if she is acting this way b/c she changed her mind and all... but I want to be sure.

*Edit 2*- If it helps after I asked her if she was free the first time she told me, "that's sweet, but I'm already talking to a guy". Word for word like that. To me it seems like she just didn't want to flat out say no. Anyway, after she told me this I said, "That's too bad, welp see ya!" and I walked away. How would you, an ESFJ, react in that scenario? I mean, how would you immediately think of me after that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
lol, you are really over-thinking something that's pretty basic. Practice your smile and then go ask.


-ZDD
R u sure? I mean, I admit I have a tendency to do that, but still. I mean did you notice all the stuff in my above post. Did you see and understand all those concerns? Can you really tell me to just forget about them and do it?
 

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be cool, be yourself. whoever she is, shes just a person. if you guys didnt get off to a good start, try again. if shes worth your time she wont be dwelling on past mistakes.
 

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LOL, @Zombie Devil Duckie, you are talking to a guy in high school. Asking a girl out was a lot harder then. My advice to OP would just be casual, don't take it personally if she says no, and respect her decision. Even if she isn't interested, there'll be plenty of other girls after high school. Don't get hung up on this one. Asking if it would be okay to be friends would probably be fine. I don't know how close you guys are, but she might actually like that since it shows "no hard feelings" and it'll probably lessen the guilt she feels for saying no. Only offer this if you're actually okay with just being friends though. If you're friends but actually have ulterior motives hoping she'll come around one day, that will just make things more complicated down the road, and you may lose her trust.
 

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You probably just came on too strong at first, and she probably thought you just wanted to get laid. After she realizes that you're not like that, and are genuinely hurt about not being her boyfriend, she feels bad and sees that you could potentially be a really good long term choice.
I'd let her explain why she said that she was sorry. She'll let her true feelings be known given a chance.
 

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R u sure? I mean, I admit I have a tendency to do that, but still. I mean did you notice all the stuff in my above post. Did you see and understand all those concerns? Can you really tell me to just forget about them and do it?
I can tell you as an INTP who's had encounters with ESFJ's , even an ESFJ girlfriend that they just go by how they feel (they disregard all that information like you have provided and you insist is important), no real analysis of all the many little details. The effects of personality and type collision from the MBTI and RHETI don't hold importance to them because it's abstract, deep, and the information and advice given in the type descriptions often counteracts what they feel which is something they're uncomfortable with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You probably just came on too strong at first, and she probably thought you just wanted to get laid. After she realizes that you're not like that, and are genuinely hurt about not being her boyfriend, she feels bad and sees that you could potentially be a really good long term choice.
I'd let her explain why she said that she was sorry. She'll let her true feelings be known given a chance.
Holy crap. If there is one post here that I wish all of the ESFJs would read, it's this one. That 1st part is so perfect and describes EXACTLY what happened.

Just one thing though, it's been like a week since that sorry thing, would now be a good time to bring that up? Or should I just have a casual conversation? Also, tbh there are other girls interested in me who I'm interested in and I'm not sure if I just want to jump right back here with this girl just yet.
 

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Auntie Duckie
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Yes, I completely agree. You don' know what she's sorry for yet. Perhaps if you knew, your path would be clear.

It's been 7+ months... I always wonder how these things turn out.

People are all interested and then... SQUIRREL.... something else has their attention.


:kitteh:
 
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