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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this topic. If it is not, I am sincerely sorry; please direct me to where I should place this.

I don't usually like to discuss my problems because I don't like burdening other people, but I don't know what else I can do.

I am not a sociable person. I tire easily when I talk to people. The way I deal with problems in a friendship is to either be reserved towards the friend or completely ignore the friend. Recently, I began to see how wrong my initial philosophy was. I am now currently trying to get out of my antisocial bubble, connect with my old friends, and make some new friends.

Some time ago, I became friends with an older guy. At first, he seemed amazing. He was very smart and charming. After two days of meeting him, he told me that he was interested in me. I was smitten. When we weren't together, we talked through online chatting. In the chats, he told me that no one ever wanted to be his girlfriend before. Every chat left me exhausted but he made me feel special and I was blinded by infatuation.

One week, I had to stop because I had some business to attend to. After that week, I found that I was no longer infatuated with him. At that point, my mind began to wander throughout all his descriptions about himself and realize how superficial he seemed. My mind began to put up barriers against him and I became very reserved whenever we talked. I told him, very passive aggressively, that I did not want to be his girlfriend. He was deeply hurt by this change in my manner. I immediately saw that I was reverting back to my old behavior so I apologized and mended our friendship; however, I blatantly refused to be his girlfriend.

In the following weeks, we talked many times through online chatting. He told me all about his troubles in his love life and that his parents never really loved him. Since I was so caught up in his problems, I began to notice that our talks began to destroy my focus on work and my own life. Therefore, I decided to end our conversations online.

He was angry and said that "that wasn't what friends do." I felt embarrassed and guilty so I continued to talk with him. He is so emotionally needy; I cannot handle it. He exhausts me more than anyone I've ever talked to. I don't want to hurt him though. He's a really nice guy and he feels like he doesn't have anyone who can emotionally support him. However, I cannot deal with him anymore. I can't cut off ties with him because the club where I was introduced to him is where I hang out with a bunch of my other friends. I am at the end of my rope. Please give me some advice.

Edit:
Thank you for your advices to my problem.

I have made up my mind. I feel that you are all right as well as wrong about how I should deal with my problem. I think it is because I did not disclose the full situation on this site. I was so desperate for a solution but, at the same time, I was wary of putting anything too personal on a public website. I thank you all the same. Your responses helped me ruminate over how I was acting and feeling.

I blame myself for what happened. Some of it was my fault, yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. I may have given everyone the wrong impression because I felt horrible and guilty about how I treated him. I was also emotionally weak and susceptible to any negativity posted on the thread. For some reason, it was easier to blame myself then think of a potential solution for the problem. I have come to terms with it. However, you guys have mistaken his values. He is very intelligent and I have given him blatant statements that I will not be his girlfriend. He is not so shallow that he would try to manipulate me into going out with him. However, I still feel responsible for him as a friend. I am no longer interested in him as a potential romantic interest. I agree with Perdita, I cannot completely help him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He cannot use me as a substitute therapist for his problems. However, I do want to help him. He had problems with his parents. Because I was willing to listen to him, he latched on to me and tries to use me to fill that emotional void left by his parents. I want to help him as a friend but it kills my energy. Do you guys have any more advice to give now?
 

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Cut off ties and stop hanging around that place that's the advice i got. But since you probably wont do that......other than pawn him off on one of your friends.........nope just cut off ties its way less annoying that way.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Cut off ties and stop hanging around that place that's the advice i got. But since you probably wont do that......other than pawn him off on one of your friends.........nope just cut off ties its way less annoying that way.
Thanks for the advice but I don't know if I can heed it. It was the first thing that came to mind but he just came from a pretty severe depression. I'm not sure what cutting off all ties would do to his psyche. I don't want to hurt him but I can't handle him.
 

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Thanks for the advice but I don't know if I can heed it. It was the first thing that came to mind but he just came from a pretty severe depression. I'm not sure what cutting off all ties would do to his psyche. I don't want to hurt him but I can't handle him.
Look lots of people hit and come from depression we all have to deal with it in some way if your worried he might do something try to get him to consider therapy. Don't let your emotions get in the way especially if hes causing you real world problems you have your own life to live you shouldn't have to take care of his if hes not willing to do it himself.
 

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That isn't emotionally needy. This is completely your fault. You became immediately infatuated with someone and then very quickly decided you didn't like them anymore and didn't care what they had to say. This is completely emotionally and socially abnormal and he is in within his rights to be angry at you. This isn't about him being needy -- it's about you being wishy-washy and selfish.
 
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He is messing with your head

The whole "thats not what friends do" is emotional manipulation. He is putting you on a guilt trip. He is very needy and seeking attention. Dont worry about his psyche, he'll find someone else soon enough.

Stay away from the guy. If he tries to start a conversation, walk away.
 
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Diphenhydramine is 100% wrong, and i'm sorely tempted to explain just how stupid his opinion is, but i won't.

He's an adult and he's responsible for his own well being, if you can't or don't want to listen to him that is absolutely fine. Just tell him that being his friend is draining you and that you can't go on listening to him because it's not working out. He's got absolutely no right to put demands on you.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Look lots of people hit and come from depression we all have to deal with it in some way if your worried he might do something try to get him to consider therapy. Don't let your emotions get in the way especially if hes causing you real world problems you have your own life to live you shouldn't have to take care of his if hes not willing to do it himself.
He has a therapist but he says that he is too smart so he can completely lie to them. I told him that he shouldn't do that and he comes to me crying, saying that I am a good person for dealing with him. I really don't know what to do.
 

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That isn't emotionally needy. This is completely your fault. You became immediately infatuated with someone and then very quickly decided you didn't like them anymore and didn't care what they had to say. This is completely emotionally and socially abnormal and he is in within his rights to be angry at you. This isn't about him being needy -- it's about you being wishy-washy and selfish.
Thanks for your advice. You are right, I was completely selfish in the beginning. I should have thought it through before I made a commitment. Sometimes, I let my emotions rule my head. However, he is needy. He said so himself, blaming his neediness on his parent's treatment. He bares out his soul readily for all to see. He wants to share his whole life's story to me. I am sorry for being so wishy-washy and selfish but this has gone on too long. I found myself daydreaming about how to fix his problems and not focusing on the road while I was driving. I completely dropped a class because I couldn't focus on it anymore. This is my fault; I take full responsibility, but it's driving me insane.
 

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Well, I'm not giving advice on what I would do, since I would probably continue talking to a super needy person ( I enjoy feeling needed ), but I can see how, to some, it may be draining. You should probably just end all communication immediately. Don't even give him an explanation, as this may rub off the wrong way on him and make him even more hurt. It may sound cruel and I know I consider it cruel when people do this to me, but in the end it will be for the best, even if "in the moment" emotions make it seem like the end of the world.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
He is messing with your head

The whole "thats not what friends do" is emotional manipulation. He is putting you on a guilt trip. He is very needy and seeking attention. Dont worry about his psyche, he'll find someone else soon enough.

Stay away from the guy. If he tries to start a conversation, walk away.
Thank you for your input. I know he is guilt-tripping me but I feel partially responsible for hurting him in the beginning. I refuse to be his girlfriend but I still try to be his friend. He confides in me because he thinks that 'you are the only woman who seems to have any sense.' It's ridiculous notion and I don't believe him one bit, but he seems to adamantly believe in it. He explains that he has trouble trusting other women because of how much they hurt him in the past. I want to show him that not all women are evil but I'm furious with him. I can't just leave him completely because he keeps in contact with some of my good friends. I am in a social minefield. u_u
 

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That isn't emotionally needy. This is completely your fault. You became immediately infatuated with someone and then very quickly decided you didn't like them anymore and didn't care what they had to say. This is completely emotionally and socially abnormal and he is in within his rights to be angry at you. This isn't about him being needy -- it's about you being wishy-washy and selfish.
Because it's totally wrong to change one's mind about something. She has no obligation to continue liking him just because she once did.
 
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Because it's totally wrong to change one's mind about something. She has no obligation to continue liking him just because she once did.
This was my thoughts exactly. I may have caused him some emotional pain but I barely know the guy. I don't have the same feelings for him anymore, but I still feel responsible for his emotional well being for some reason.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Diphenhydramine is 100% wrong, and i'm sorely tempted to explain just how stupid his opinion is, but i won't.

He's an adult and he's responsible for his own well being, if you can't or don't want to listen to him that is absolutely fine. Just tell him that being his friend is draining you and that you can't go on listening to him because it's not working out. He's got absolutely no right to put demands on you.
Thanks for posting. I have told him many times that our conversations drain me, but he doesn't seem to want to stop talking. He is gracious sometimes. When I tell him I had no time for him right now, he is willing to stop talking to me. He's not a bad person, it's just that I don't know how to handle him. Is it selfish to want to still be his friend even though he tires me? I just wish he didn't text me so much.
 
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Well, I'm not giving advice on what I would do, since I would probably continue talking to a super needy person ( I enjoy feeling needed ), but I can see how, to some, it may be draining. You should probably just end all communication immediately. Don't even give him an explanation, as this may rub off the wrong way on him and make him even more hurt. It may sound cruel and I know I consider it cruel when people do this to me, but in the end it will be for the best, even if "in the moment" emotions make it seem like the end of the world.
Thanks for posting. I wish I had your attitude. I wish I could deal with him. I can't cut off communications with him. He comes to a place where I hang out with many of my best friends. He knows my friends. If I cut off all contact with him, I'll be cutting all contact with my friends too. I'm in a social minefield.
 

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Thanks for posting. I have told him many times that our conversations drain me, but he doesn't seem to want to stop talking. He is gracious sometimes. When I tell him I had no time for him right now, he is willing to stop talking to me. He's not a bad person, it's just that I don't know how to handle him. Is it selfish to want to still be his friend even though he tires me? I just wish he didn't text me so much.
There's an easy solution, stop enabling him. Only give him what you're willing to give. Don't always reply when he texts. I think you can work out something where you're still friends. I don't think not being 100% available is selfish at all. It is how most relationships work. Talk to him and tell him in ( edit ) no uncertain words that you appriciate his friendship but can't handle all of him. Tell him he'll have to make do with what you're willing to give. If that's not acceptable for him or if he tries to emotionally blackmail you again you should let him go. I do not see the problem with him going to the same place as you? I guess it may be a bit uncomfortable if he chooses to not want to associate with you at all, but that should not be your problem.
 

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Key word here that @DiamondDays stated....enabling

Set up definitive boundaries and dont budge. Write them down and rehearse what you will say ahead of time. He will probably try keep pushing some buttons,; like more guilt tripping and the "you are the only one I can trust" stuff. Which IMHO I think is BS.
 

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Being so immediately infatuated and just as immediately running cold is a bit odd, in and of itself, and sure his anger and confusion are pretty spot on, but his response to them makes little sense. His mind didn't connect the dots. He just saw his ideal should and continued to pursue it, by responding to his feelings with guilt trips and the like, to force you into a relationship of any sort with him. And, I'd bet my left eye, he's hoping by forcing the friendship, that he can force the romance later on. You'll come to see what a great guy he is, how tough he's had it, and you won't be able to help loving him. Been there, done that. Poor sap. Buy him a cup. It never works and life is generally a kick in the sack.

I mean, I do get it. As I said, been there, done that. It's nice to think the world should operate a certain way. He's a good enough guy. He should be loved. You said you liked him. You should be with him. It's a lovely mentality, but shit doesn't work out in real life. Life sucks. People suck. But, alas, you can't set them all on fire. A shame, really. So, you do have to just suck it up and deal. Like me, he's always just dealt piss poorly. You leaving or staying won't change that.

Still, as for any actual advice, the kindest thing you can do for either of you is make the effort to cut contact. He's emotionally manipulating you, but you're letting him. He's using you for a substitute therapist, but you're letting him. As for your part... You don't like him. You're not an actual friend. So why are you keeping him around? Option one is the pity card. Well, he's not a dog. Keeping him around out of sympathy isn't sparing him from the pound life or something. Option two is an interest in capturing an odd moral high ground. Keeping him around to prove not all women are evil, which is just strange to me, is not your place or job. Yes, if you leave he will use it as more poisonous venom against womankind (that's practically guaranteed), but it's not your problem. You can't fix or change who he is, how he thinks, or what he believes. Option three is keeping him around so you don't lose your other friends. That one I get. They're actual friends. You actually like them. Sucks, but if you keep going around him, just so you can prove yourself right or so you can keep your other friends, I feel considerably less sympathy for your plight.
 

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Being so immediately infatuated and just as immediately running cold is a bit odd, in and of itself, and sure his anger and confusion are pretty spot on, but his response to them makes little sense. His mind didn't connect the dots. He just saw his ideal should and continued to pursue it, by responding to his feelings with guilt trips and the like, to force you into a relationship of any sort with him. And, I'd bet my left eye, he's hoping by forcing the friendship, that he can force the romance later on. You'll come to see what a great guy he is, how tough he's had it, and you won't be able to help loving him. Been there, done that. Poor sap. Buy him a cup. It never works and life is generally a kick in the sack.
People actually do this and expect it to work?

How... humiliating.
 

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First of all, your previous feelings for him and your relationship with him are in the past now; there's no point trying to analyze what's already happened, unless you're trying to use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, or unless you're going over your own actions in order to justify them in retrospect, i.e. trying to talk yourself out of feeling guilty. (Note: changing your mind and acting accordingly is in no way selfish or wrong! Sometimes, in relationships, people get hurt; unfortunately, that's just how life works.) Either way, what's done is done; the immediate goal is just to extricate yourself from the situation as it currently stands. The important thing to remember is that he is not your responsibility. Whether he's responded reasonably, whether he's a nice person, etc. is debatable but fundamentally irrelevant; he may well be feeling hurt and needy, but it's not your problem. You're not his therapist or his parent, and it's certainly not your job to teach him that women aren't evil. You are under no obligation to keep him in your life in any capacity. If you don't want to sever ties completely, though, then figure out what you're willing to give him, and don't let him guilt-trip you into changing your mind. You can try to explain this to him outright, but it sounds like another direct confrontation might be too stressful to be worth it. Just be mindful of your behavior towards him in the future, and try to be consistent--confusing him will just be counter-productive--and, hopefully, he'll eventually get the message.
 
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