I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this topic. If it is not, I am sincerely sorry; please direct me to where I should place this.
I don't usually like to discuss my problems because I don't like burdening other people, but I don't know what else I can do.
I am not a sociable person. I tire easily when I talk to people. The way I deal with problems in a friendship is to either be reserved towards the friend or completely ignore the friend. Recently, I began to see how wrong my initial philosophy was. I am now currently trying to get out of my antisocial bubble, connect with my old friends, and make some new friends.
Some time ago, I became friends with an older guy. At first, he seemed amazing. He was very smart and charming. After two days of meeting him, he told me that he was interested in me. I was smitten. When we weren't together, we talked through online chatting. In the chats, he told me that no one ever wanted to be his girlfriend before. Every chat left me exhausted but he made me feel special and I was blinded by infatuation.
One week, I had to stop because I had some business to attend to. After that week, I found that I was no longer infatuated with him. At that point, my mind began to wander throughout all his descriptions about himself and realize how superficial he seemed. My mind began to put up barriers against him and I became very reserved whenever we talked. I told him, very passive aggressively, that I did not want to be his girlfriend. He was deeply hurt by this change in my manner. I immediately saw that I was reverting back to my old behavior so I apologized and mended our friendship; however, I blatantly refused to be his girlfriend.
In the following weeks, we talked many times through online chatting. He told me all about his troubles in his love life and that his parents never really loved him. Since I was so caught up in his problems, I began to notice that our talks began to destroy my focus on work and my own life. Therefore, I decided to end our conversations online.
He was angry and said that "that wasn't what friends do." I felt embarrassed and guilty so I continued to talk with him. He is so emotionally needy; I cannot handle it. He exhausts me more than anyone I've ever talked to. I don't want to hurt him though. He's a really nice guy and he feels like he doesn't have anyone who can emotionally support him. However, I cannot deal with him anymore. I can't cut off ties with him because the club where I was introduced to him is where I hang out with a bunch of my other friends. I am at the end of my rope. Please give me some advice.
Edit: Thank you for your advices to my problem.
I have made up my mind. I feel that you are all right as well as wrong about how I should deal with my problem. I think it is because I did not disclose the full situation on this site. I was so desperate for a solution but, at the same time, I was wary of putting anything too personal on a public website. I thank you all the same. Your responses helped me ruminate over how I was acting and feeling.
I blame myself for what happened. Some of it was my fault, yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. I may have given everyone the wrong impression because I felt horrible and guilty about how I treated him. I was also emotionally weak and susceptible to any negativity posted on the thread. For some reason, it was easier to blame myself then think of a potential solution for the problem. I have come to terms with it. However, you guys have mistaken his values. He is very intelligent and I have given him blatant statements that I will not be his girlfriend. He is not so shallow that he would try to manipulate me into going out with him. However, I still feel responsible for him as a friend. I am no longer interested in him as a potential romantic interest. I agree with Perdita, I cannot completely help him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He cannot use me as a substitute therapist for his problems. However, I do want to help him. He had problems with his parents. Because I was willing to listen to him, he latched on to me and tries to use me to fill that emotional void left by his parents. I want to help him as a friend but it kills my energy. Do you guys have any more advice to give now?
I don't usually like to discuss my problems because I don't like burdening other people, but I don't know what else I can do.
I am not a sociable person. I tire easily when I talk to people. The way I deal with problems in a friendship is to either be reserved towards the friend or completely ignore the friend. Recently, I began to see how wrong my initial philosophy was. I am now currently trying to get out of my antisocial bubble, connect with my old friends, and make some new friends.
Some time ago, I became friends with an older guy. At first, he seemed amazing. He was very smart and charming. After two days of meeting him, he told me that he was interested in me. I was smitten. When we weren't together, we talked through online chatting. In the chats, he told me that no one ever wanted to be his girlfriend before. Every chat left me exhausted but he made me feel special and I was blinded by infatuation.
One week, I had to stop because I had some business to attend to. After that week, I found that I was no longer infatuated with him. At that point, my mind began to wander throughout all his descriptions about himself and realize how superficial he seemed. My mind began to put up barriers against him and I became very reserved whenever we talked. I told him, very passive aggressively, that I did not want to be his girlfriend. He was deeply hurt by this change in my manner. I immediately saw that I was reverting back to my old behavior so I apologized and mended our friendship; however, I blatantly refused to be his girlfriend.
In the following weeks, we talked many times through online chatting. He told me all about his troubles in his love life and that his parents never really loved him. Since I was so caught up in his problems, I began to notice that our talks began to destroy my focus on work and my own life. Therefore, I decided to end our conversations online.
He was angry and said that "that wasn't what friends do." I felt embarrassed and guilty so I continued to talk with him. He is so emotionally needy; I cannot handle it. He exhausts me more than anyone I've ever talked to. I don't want to hurt him though. He's a really nice guy and he feels like he doesn't have anyone who can emotionally support him. However, I cannot deal with him anymore. I can't cut off ties with him because the club where I was introduced to him is where I hang out with a bunch of my other friends. I am at the end of my rope. Please give me some advice.
Edit: Thank you for your advices to my problem.
I have made up my mind. I feel that you are all right as well as wrong about how I should deal with my problem. I think it is because I did not disclose the full situation on this site. I was so desperate for a solution but, at the same time, I was wary of putting anything too personal on a public website. I thank you all the same. Your responses helped me ruminate over how I was acting and feeling.
I blame myself for what happened. Some of it was my fault, yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. I may have given everyone the wrong impression because I felt horrible and guilty about how I treated him. I was also emotionally weak and susceptible to any negativity posted on the thread. For some reason, it was easier to blame myself then think of a potential solution for the problem. I have come to terms with it. However, you guys have mistaken his values. He is very intelligent and I have given him blatant statements that I will not be his girlfriend. He is not so shallow that he would try to manipulate me into going out with him. However, I still feel responsible for him as a friend. I am no longer interested in him as a potential romantic interest. I agree with Perdita, I cannot completely help him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He cannot use me as a substitute therapist for his problems. However, I do want to help him. He had problems with his parents. Because I was willing to listen to him, he latched on to me and tries to use me to fill that emotional void left by his parents. I want to help him as a friend but it kills my energy. Do you guys have any more advice to give now?