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Hello all! I’m new here so please excuse me if this thread is in the wrong place. Anyway, I need help with the ESTJ in my life. I’m an ESFP and have fallen in love with my ESTJ 😖. (Very typical of ESFP’s to fall so fast). However my ESTJ has back tracked! She initiated the dating and I’m assuming I scared her away bc as an ESFP I can come on a little too strong; bc we know almost immediately how we feel about the other person.

Long story short, she’s put me in the ‘friend zone’ but still likes to make plans with me (just the two of us). We’re going camping next week to a National Park 9 hours away. So I guess she must have some interest in me? I just don’t know if it’s romantic or not. And yes, she knows how I feel. I have been very direct with her. She brings up what she’s looking for in a partner to me on the regular and makes a note of telling me I’m not living up to her standards there. Like she recently told me she doesn’t feel like I have her back. I was shocked! Since I’ve demonstrated to her a few times that I’m capable of defending her. She just refers back to the ‘one time’ I didn’t. But it was a special situation and involved my roommate who pays me rent. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers.

I feel like she blatantly ignores my ESFP qualities (genuine altruism, emotional support, genuine caring, etc..) to focus on the things I don’t do. Do ESTJ’s sabotage? Play games? What does am insecure ESTJ look like when being courted?Anyway, she’s reverted to using my full name in text/email conversations and mentioning suggestions for things I ‘shouldn’t do in my next relationship’ (which sucks bc it’s a way of distancing and tells me she’s made up her mind that I’m not a suitable partner for her even though she’s told me multiple times she hasn’t made up her mind about me and is still gathering data). However, when we hang out she’s still kinda flirty bc she’ll tease me, kick my feet in a playful way, bump hips with me, be more touchy with me.. She says she see’s a few paths forward depending on how our relationship progresses (it’s been a rough start, and we haven’t always gotten along but I can chalk that up to 98% if the time bc we misunderstand each other.) The other 2% of the time it’s bc she remembers something I said and I don’t and she tries to trap me in a lie. 😡
I’m getting mixed signals. I know I can absolutely be all the things she craves in a relationship: loyal, trustworthy, a safe place, her defender. These are all things I pride myself in being and also what ESFP’s are great at. I just want to know if it’s too late to change her mind? We’ve only known each other for 6 months. I’m afraid her ESTJ tendency to be extremely logical about past interactions will not allow her to see the potential for things to change for the better as we get to know each other. I’m afraid she will convince herself (by focusing solely on the things I don’t do) that I am not worthy of her time. I should also note that I have ADHD. This is something I worry about a lot with her bc I have a tendency to be wishy-washy, impulsive, spontaneous and forgetful. Things ESTJ’s hate.

But I have never been so focused on accomplishing a goal in my life! I am researching every minute detail about her personality. Going to so far as to join this forum for help. I am trying so hard to put her at ease by learning as much about her as possible. She’s intensely private and very reserved. Almost an ISTJ in her love-life area. Being friends first yadda yadda... Just wondering, if I stay consistent and patient and stick around (everyone leaves her), might I have a chance?

P.S. If you’re wondering why I’m putting in so much effort with her it’s because she is exactly what I’m looking for in a long-term relationship: loyal, dependable, responsible, good with money, traditional, family oriented, fun to be around and do extroverted things with, kind, extremely intelligent, has a good relationship with her parents, educated, wants children/marriage, loves to travel... I could go on. I admire her deeply and respect her ability to be straightforward, honest, reliable and show integrity. Things that are important to me but that I also need to work on. I want to grow as an individual and be the best person I can be for her and myself. I think we can both learn so much from each other and that would help us in the long term to stay connected to one another and be constantly growing and learning. Something I value deeply and her too. I just wish I could get over this hump! Because I can tell her I am all those things and can be all those things and WANT to be all those things for her, but my words fall on deaf ears. I have to show her. And I thought I had been...what do I do to SHOW her I mean what I say? *sigh*
 

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I feel like she blatantly ignores my ESFP qualities (genuine altruism, emotional support, genuine caring, etc..) to focus on the things I don’t do.
You are asking her to value something that she doesn't value. You value those things, and see them as the currency you bring to the relationship. She doesn't. She values actions.

Look up "love language", I bet you two ave very different. You are likely looking for something that isn't there, or is there in low supply.
 
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