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Discussion Starter #1
I've just double-posted this to the ENTP forum because I really think I need some second opinions about this person.

This must be like the 3rd or at least 2nd time I'm writing about this same guy on these forums.

I've been smitten by him over 6 months now. We met through work / research. He's an ENTP and I'm an INFP (female). I'm in my early 30's and he's in his late 40's. He's newly divorced and single.

We have been living in separate countries most of this year now which has made getting know each other better a little bit more difficult.

Through all the this time we have known each other, he has given me really mixed signals about his interest towards me.
It's hard for me to tell if his interest is purely academic or he wants more with me.

When we were locals, he used to be really charming and chivalrous towards me like paying for my lunch, offering me coffee, helping me with my project, defending my opinions against someone and even offering me his jacket when it was cold. The classical courting stuff.

Ever since, we have been written back and worth. He has said really nice things about me like I'm intellectually soooo above average, I'd make an excellent scholar and my ideas are genius etc. So it's clear he respects as an academic. (This is an important thing for many ENTPs I think, to have a cerebral connection).

The confusing part is when we met again last summer he did some romantic and chivalrous things with me (again) like paying for my drinks and lunch, staring at me with a smile on his face and sitting in a park with me one night listening to music. When I was leaving he hugged me really tight, kissed me many times on my cheeks and corners of my mouth and held my hands in his. We have also made some future plans together like trips and projects of co-operation.

He invited me over to his home couple of days ago saying I'm always welcome at his place. I replied with saying that I'd love to spend more alone time with him and if the week X was an okay time for me to come. I tried to hint I'd like to be more than just friends. And now he hasn't written me back in a week.

It's just really confusing that he acts like he wants to flirt or is infatuated by me, and when I try to reciprocate he goes mute. Now I don't know if I'm actually going to visit him or not. It almost like he doesn't seem to understand his owns emotions yet in person they somehow bleed through in his behavior. He seems to like me but he is in general extremely bad at distance communication as it always takes days or even weeks for him to write me back (he always apologizes though and says he has been busy and tired but thinks of me etc.)

Should I send him a follow-up message asking if I was being too indiscreet? I was especially telling him I'd like to share a room with him and spend more alone time with him. I just don't understand what's up with this guy as he seems to be really into me and then suddenly retreating back.

Edit. It seems there are tons of topics on the ENTP forum like this where others find them really confusing. There's something about their emotions that seem very dissociated from their conscious mind. It's like they themselves experiences emotions (and attraction) so embarassing and awkward the whole situation starts to look weird to their potential interest as well.

Also there was one insightful comment in a previous confusing ENTP thread where someone said that NFs might actually know how these people are feeling before they know it by themselves.

972 Posts
Sound's like a psychopath or at least manipulator telling you what you want to hear while keeping enough distance to make things interesting. I know because I do it myself when I want something from someone.
Sound's all too perfect in-person but with an aversion for responsible behavior judging how he doesn't replay and it's hardly due to shyness from what you are saying here.I would get guy wasted and see how he acts if were you, as alcohol lowers social inhibition he would be more earnest with disclosing his intents. If I recall someone did a bit of research concerning psychopathy and MBTI (casual one but still) and ENTP's came at the top when it comes to psychopathic tendencies.

Of course, It may just be me being cynical and there may be other factors behind behavior, that I don't know about but I would say it's better to be safe than sorry.

3,734 Posts
I have zero experience with long-distance ENTPs. The ones that have been in my life, they've always lived 10 minutes away from me.

I'll just say my thoughts purely based on the text. I lack context, as I don't know him at all, obvsly.

Thought 1: I am conflicted by what you wrote in the text as being your subjective in-person experience of him, and my own subjective perspective of the written text. You say he was chivalrous, and explained clear examples of actions he did. I have to trust you when you are describing that he had romantic inclinations for you. I am going exclusively on faith here, faith on your words and account of your perspective.
Why do I say this? Why am I conflicted between this faith of believing what you say vs. my own opinion of the text? Because the actions you describe as chivalrous and romantic-ish are not things that my ENTPs do just because they are romantically interested in someone. My ENTPs are like this with everyone. The ones I've encountered are hyperattentive to everyone, and in particular to females. They don't need to have a romantic interest, they just need to have a friendship interest. I've seen my ENTP friends buy drinks and flowers to 60-year-old ladies who were married. The reason? They just feel like it! They are extremely service-oriented, and they want to be admired and give give give. They are such givers blows my mind sometimes, because they are borderline reckless. Sometimes I worry that they are so careless with their money -buying gifts for everyone, always insisting that they pay for everyone's dinner at the restaurant, etc.- that they'll go broke because they give give give.
So it doesn't smell of romantic intentions when I see an ENTP hug me tight, or kiss my cheeks, or invite me to dinner and pay for everything, buy me flowers for no reason, etc. Because ime they do this with everyone.
But like I said... I don't know your situation deeply, so I have to go by what you say, what you perceive.

Thought 2: Being long-distance is not a real relationship in my book. But that's just me. I would never take anything long-distance seriously. I know that my ENTP brother-in-law thinks the same thing. Two of his top love languages are in-person quality time & touch, and he's never had a long-distance relationship because he says they are pointless. He needs presence. So... yeah, when I read that you guys are long-distance, I thought "oh... there you go, that's a pointless futureless situation with no real bonding".

Thought 3: Now, after saying the above, I do see it weird that he would have such trouble answering for a whole week. My ENTPs are obsessed with people and they have friends all over our country and they are eager to interact through the phone and online. So I don't know... that's weird behavior. Unless he's busy like ENTJs are busy xD

Thought 4: ENTPs are extremely impulsive. They act/speak, and then think and go "shoooot! did I do/say that?! shooot!". Just something to consider... he might be doing things by following his immediate impulses, and later on thinking "Oh shooot, why did I do that. Okey I'll do this other thing next time", but then next time comes and again they do something impulsive, and then "oh shooot!" again. They're incorrigible, which is super funny most of the time, but sometimes it hurts people. So maybe -just maybe- he could be going back and forth between impulses and proper thinking.
The idea that he doesn't understand his own emotions is plausible. My ENTPs over the years have taken a looong time to really know themselves and how they feel about a certain thing or person.

In the end, I think that your situation has a relatively easy solution, or at least that's what I would do: Ask him directly what's going on. If you are confused, tell him that you are confused, and explain why. Be very clear. Ime, ENTPs appreciate blunt people, even though their Fe will be shocked by this bluntness.
I am a very blunt person, and in particular with my ENTP brother-in-law, and his immediate reaction to my bluntness is to go quiet and stare at me. This reaction is unusual in him because he's a chatterbox. I have no idea what he's thinking when I tell him something blunt that forces him to go inward and think deeply, and my suspicion is that his Fe gets momentarily worried about where we stand in our friendship. I get this impression (and I could be wrong! I don't know, just an impression) because after his staring & mute-ness, when he starts to speak again after a minute of thinking, his tone of voice is different, the way he speaks to me is different, and I can tell intuitively that Fe is playing at that moment, and he's suddenly preocupied about me and he wants to convey his message in the nicest way possible, almost as if he's looking to vibe with me, to have a harmony.
I noticed the exact same thing with an ENTP friend from years ago. He was super blunt and careless, he loved to hug almost everyone, and he was able to make friends with rocks tbh. But the moment his girlfriend would tell him something very clear and specific, he would suddenly go quiet, stare at her and really think before giving an answer. After the silence, when he spoke again his voice was very calm and it was clear to me that he was trying to harmonize with her. It's so interesting to observe.
It does take someone very blunt to hit them in the head and make them pay attention to their inner world. Try that.

If you're unable to tell him your worries, thoughts, etc. right now, then that in itself speaks of an inability to have a relationship. You cannot have a relationship if you're not speaking up, so do it!
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