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Discussion Starter #1
O.K. y'all. I used to post on here more, but mainly just read now. I have a good guy friend that is an ENFJ. I would like more than a friendship with him, but I don't think he really knows that. We've had very vague conversations about it in the past, but I've never really spilled it.
I do think there's something special between us. At the very least, I'm one of his special friends, not like all his aquaintances. For various reasons, he has not been ready for a relationship (for real) and I get that. I have tried staying away from him, but that just makes me miserable. I can't help how I feel and I can't stay away. I've been hoping that if I'm patient, when the timing is right, something will happen.
Lately, some new girls have been hanging with our group of friends. One of them obviously likes him and I'm JEALOUS! Deep down, I don't think he really likes her, likes her, but he does pay attention to her (like he does to so many). I think she reaches out to him a lot and he reciprocates, because that's what his friendly self does, right?
Seeing him be all friendly with all these new girls makes me re-think our relationship. What if I'm just like all the other girls? Not his special friend like I thought I was :)
 

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I am like your love-interest.
Let me tell you one thing. My behaviour is the exact same..

If you feel this way, you are probably right. You are the special one and you need to take up courage and make it obvious to him. You need to chat with him, and make some arrangement with you. You ask him if he wants to do something together that will make the two of you together alone. So he is not distracted by all these other people he will have to treat as equals to you. We treat everybody equally but our thoughts are not equally divided.

He is probably just waiting for you to make it clear to him that you want his undivided attention......... ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks Jake. I remember hearing that being treated differently from the rest in any way, even if it's not more attention than the rest is a good sign. I keep trying to remember that, but I psych myself out when I see this one girl in particular having a lot of interaction with him. Jealousy is the worst feeling in the world.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
more, more, more......
Please :)

I just spent another confusing weekend with the guy in my never ending drama of does he or doesn't he like me.
How will I ever know? When will the timing ever be right?
 

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I have a question ... Why can't you just ask him about how 'special' he considers you? It's not uncommon for ENFJ's to 'rank' their friends [I do it all the time] .. I usually wait for cues from another person to see how close she wants me to be with her. I want to be intensely close with just about everyone I befriend, but I do place some above others. Hey, I am only human - I like to be made to feel special as well as to make others feel special.

If someone told me something like "I really like you, and I consider you one of my best friends" and actually showed it, I find it easier to get closer and open myself up more and more. If I feel that another person is happy being "just one of the pack", or that I'm "just one of the pack" for them, I move on fairly quickly - or I keep the relationship where it is without even trying to get closer.

If I notice a boundary, or a wall, I try not to break it until and unless I feel it's absolutely required and that both of us can benefit from our increasing closeness.

As for romantic inclinations, I can have deep romantic feelings for someone hidden away pretty much forever without any indication that I have those feelings. Not sure about your friend but generally, I've noticed other ENFJ's exhibit similar behaviour.

If you want to get close to him ... then don't stop .. Or don't let the "what if" questions and fears keep you away from getting closer to him. One way or another, if he really wants, an indication that you want it as well will at least make him aware of the possibility and seriously consider it.

I wasn't open to a relationship around July to August last year and I was very clear on not exploring a relationship on the forum - but @Etherea and I became friends, and she told me about her feelings ... She opened me up to the idea and I decided to explore the possibility ... and I have to admit that it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

So ... I honestly think that it's better to know than not to know in some cases ... ambiguity is much more hurtful in the long-run than surety. But one word of advice ... try to control jealousy in case anything happens. ENFJ men usually have a number of female friends and a jealous SO sometimes works against the relationship. It effected mine adversely as my wife was insanely jealous of my female friends. Slowly she managed to poison all my relationships --- and when I was finally "alone" with her ... I was freaking miserable as hell ... because I no longer had the kind of empathic outlets I was used to.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks Jawz.

I guess I'm a huge chicken. I feel like my heart is very fragile and I'm desperately afraid of the pain of rejection. I have let myself get in too deep with this guy and it will hurt like a breakup if I find out there's nothing on his side. I know it's cliche to say that I'm afraid of ruining the friendship, but I am. I don't want to be without him in my life. I know that we like eachother and I think I "rank" above most of the other girls. I just don't know if there's underlying romantic feelings or if he sees me just as a buddy.

I hold back a lot because I'm afraid of making him uncomfortable if I act too friendly or show too much. I honestly don't think I have the courage to confront it head on with him. I know it's lame, but I feel like I need to throw tests out there to determine interest level.

This isn't a new relationship - we've been close for over a year. Sometimes he does/says things that make me think there's no way he doesn't like me deeper than a friend level. On other occassions, I convince myself that there's nothing. It eats me up inside.

I know he's been burned VERY badly in the past and the scars are deep. I think he's been recovering slowly, but not sure that he's ready just yet. I have tried so many times to stay away and be interested in other guys, but it's seriously hopeless. No one has compared to him.

As far as jealousy goes....when I'm in a committed relationship, I'm not a very jealous person. I feel jealousy over these other girls because I don't know how he feels about me and I have all these what ifs in my head. Seeing him interact with them makes me wonder if I'm just like all the rest, but I read into things more.

There was one occassion where I threw out some hints. I told him that there were times when I felt really attached to him. He seemed surprised but then didn't back off from me. He actually seemed to get a little more personal with me after that. Then, due to circumstances, we were apart for awhile and I turned him down for a couple invitations. I think he may have taken it a little personally, but I'm just speculating.

So do you think I have nothing to lose by acting friendlier and closer with him? Since we've been friends for awhile, am I past the point of creeping him out or making him feel the need to back away from me if I try to get closer? I'm not going to push a romantic angle, but I would like him to see that he's a special friend to me. I don't want to be friend zoned, but I don't want to be the pursuer either. There is nothing simple about this situation.
 

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Mimi--what are you doing in the subtle flirting department (putting your hand on his arm, touching his hand)? How much have you ramped up your appearance for him?

I'm at the very beginning stages of my whatever-it-is --and I've decided that being playful at times and taking him by surprise are part of my strategy. For example, I see him in a neutral setting once a week and this has been going on since the beginning of the year. Last week I blew his mind by saying something to him out of the blue in his native language. He had no idea I could speak that language. It underscored that there's a lot to discover about me. (as I know there's much about him to discover).

I think that being coy and playful is one way to show interest without saying anything. If he's interested he'll bite. If there's no response at least it will hurt less than if you were to express your feelings and get rejected.

At some point, in my opinion, the platonic thing needs to be pushed aside and replaced by sexual feelings. No need to be blatant or anything...but someone's got to send smoke signals.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I'm not very good at flirting. Especially if I'm actually interested. I guess I can flirt all day long with someone I don't really feel something for, but if my feelings are involved I clam up. I try too hard to not show my true feelings. I'm careful never to say anything that would be a 'no, I'm not interested' statement, but I'm also afraid of giving myself away and feeling embarassed if the feelings aren't the same.

In this case, we started out flirting quite a bit, but now that time has gone on and we've become good friends, I feel like we are both being careful not to cross the line with eachother. When texting (and somewhat in person), we can joke a lot about sexual things. There's always the comedy aspect there though.

I think I make the mistake of thinking too much about not giving away too much and thus scaring him away, creeping him out. The result is I do the opposite and almost ignore him a little or show less physical contact than I do to anyone else.
 

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I tend to get into that guarded mode too. This time around, I don't know if it's because he's sending encouraging signals, or I made up my mind that I want him, but I'm sending very clear signs to him ( a little shy pulling back too, but lots of smiling, eye contact, body language and receptivity).

I see you having two choices: declare your interest to him (scary), or make it plain as day in your demeanor that you are very attracted to him (doable for shy reserved types). If he's not feeling any encouragement, this is going to stay where it is...
 

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I'm not very good at flirting. Especially if I'm actually interested. I guess I can flirt all day long with someone I don't really feel something for, but if my feelings are involved I clam up. I try too hard to not show my true feelings. I'm careful never to say anything that would be a 'no, I'm not interested' statement, but I'm also afraid of giving myself away and feeling embarassed if the feelings aren't the same.

In this case, we started out flirting quite a bit, but now that time has gone on and we've become good friends, I feel like we are both being careful not to cross the line with eachother. When texting (and somewhat in person), we can joke a lot about sexual things. There's always the comedy aspect there though.

I think I make the mistake of thinking too much about not giving away too much and thus scaring him away, creeping him out. The result is I do the opposite and almost ignore him a little or show less physical contact than I do to anyone else.
I am EXACTLY the same way...

I can flirt all day someone I don't really feel something for...OR...someone that I initially don't know I have strong feelings for. The second I have strong feelings for the person, I clam up too. I've always relied on the other person to pick up on the signals and make the first move. The problem is...if too much time passes by...its like it builds up, and I do the same thing...I almost ignore them and show them less attention than I would someone I could care less about.

I've mostly been lucky however that the girl has made the first move, however being a guy, this is especially hard.

If you find a solution...let me know :)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It seems that INFJs & ENFJs have this in common. That's part of what makes the combination so tricky I think.

I'm liking Maeve's idea....Showing some signs without necessarily saying anything. This is still difficult for me, but I'm going to try to think of ways to do this....a little.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. If one of my close guy friends started acting a little more friendly and flirty with me, how would I react? Would it flatter me or scare me away a little? I guess it depends on who it was.

If there was absolutely no sexual/romantic interest on my side, I would recoil a little. I would still be friendly, but I wouldn't encourage it at all.

If there was some interest, maybe superficial or just attraction, I would be flattered and maybe play around with it a little. Not lead someone on necessarily, but reciprocate without really taking it much further. I'm thinking of some specific people here and I might actually show more interest than I actually have, just because there's nothing at stake. Not on purpose. This happened to me recently - A guy that I'm not seriously interested in, but he's really cute and smart and funny started texting me. I'm attracted to him, but I have it bad for this other guy and I don't really feel a real connection with the new guy anyway although he's fun to talk to (and look at). I gave him my number without him asking, I suggested we get together soon, I sent very mildly flirty texts. I would never have done those things with the guy I really like.

If I was really interested, now this is where it gets tricky. I would be thrilled that he was acting more interested in me, but I would worry that I'm misreading it. I might act a little cool and reserved when he reached out to me thinking ‘does he really mean this in a flirty way? Or is he just being friendly?’
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I'm a female INFJ though. Would be nice if ENFJs weighed in.
How would you react if a friend of the opposite sex started getting a little closer? Paying more attention, flirting a little more without saying that they liked you or anything?

If you were absolutely only interested in that person as a friend

If you were mildly interested/attracted but not really really liking the person romantically

If you were actually interested and already liked your friend in a romantic way
 
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