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Well, I'm deeply in love with my ENFP boyfriend. He's pretty much perfect for me, and my best friend. He's a catch, and there's no way on earth I'd want to let him go.

For a while there, however, we were getting really frustrated with one another, arguing and having lots of physical and emotional frustration within the relationship. For about a week I didn't see him, I hardly spoke to him, and often ignored him. I displayed the typical doorslam behavior, the kind that's helped me end so many friendships. I'm not sure why I did it, but I felt like I was being attacked and I "gave him distance" for a while.

It was too long, really, and soon we missed each other terribly. He called and basically begged me to please, please talk to him and see him. We spent a day together, a day filled with mostly talking, and we resolved our arguments. He's feeling peachy keen, and he hardly even thought something was wrong in the first place, he was just irritable because of the heat.

Well, he's fine, but I feel terrible. I'm really hurt. When I was overwhelmed I tried to force him away, but it makes no sense. I love him, and I needed his support most just then. Even though he's fine now, I still hurt his feelings and I feel like an awful girlfriend. I just don't understand why I pushed him away, and I'm afraid it will happen again.

Has this happened to anyone? Does anyone have any answers for me? I'm curious.
 
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A friend of mine (ENFP) is currently in a 4 year relationship (INFJ). From my outside perspective I see that their relationship is too emotional and filled with conflict simply duo to their Fi-Fe functions. While they match pretty well, I see that neither of them can be their genuine self at all times for too long because they don't 'get' each other at the most fundamental level that should connect them, their feelings.

It's a rollercoaster relationship that will never find any solid ground it can stay on. It's always temporary because the next emotional conflict never fails to show up... I don't think this an answer you like to hear, but it's an answer I can give.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
A friend of mine (ENFP) is currently in a 4 year relationship (INFJ). From my outside perspective I see that their relationship is too emotional and filled with conflict simply duo to their Fi-Fe functions. While they match pretty well, I see that neither of them can be their genuine self at all times for too long because they don't 'get' each other at the most fundamental level that should connect them, their feelings.

It's a rollercoaster relationship that will never find any solid ground it can stay on. It's always temporary because the next emotional conflict never fails to show up... I don't think this an answer you like to hear, but it's an answer I can give.
Thank you for your input. I think this kind of stuff is due more to individual people, not types, but I sure do appreciate it. Additionally, we've been together for quite a while and we intend to stay together. We do love each other, and we're quite dedicated to making sure this turns out. This was the first fluke we've ever really encountered, and we're willing to work out other issues as they arise.
 
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I found out that every time I do that in a relationship, is because I am feeling angry/hurt and if I stay around I am affraid I will make things worse.


I "throw the distance" in there so I can have some time alone to process and "evaluate" the situation while burning some anger so that way I can have a mature and open communication later (you know, without the passive/agressive behavior)


It is hard for me to explain/understand things when I am mad so I need to distance myself from that person in order to figure things out.
For me, it is a pattern, I do it every time, when some situation goes in circles and I can´t find the way out.


It is not my intention to hurt the other person when I do this but to find a better place to start all over again, so we both can try to fix things once more.
Do I feel guilty about it? yes, every time, but I also noticed that if I don´t do that, if I don´t distance myself fromt hat person/situation, I will make things worse.
 

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I see this in me as a pattern long ago established by constraints on my behavior growing up and physica/ emotional punishment for not conforming to some unknown standard. My habit was to put heart and soul into whatever I was doing, and then upon negative feedback, withdraw - and not face the hurt and disappointment. I have caused hurt to others - and the last time was recent enough to finally break the automatic withdrawal. The symbology /jargon Fi etc. is a distraction to seeing the problem. All that simply drops the stylus into an old groove and the same old sad song is replayed. Remember, people are real and individuals, and this jargon and its genesis is a lifeless mental construct. Each person is unique, and each event in a person's life is unique to that particular time and set of circumstances.
 

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I found out that every time I do that in a relationship, is because I am feeling angry/hurt and if I stay around I am affraid I will make things worse.


I "throw the distance" in there so I can have some time alone to process and "evaluate" the situation while burning some anger so that way I can have a mature and open communication later (you know, without the passive/agressive behavior)


It is hard for me to explain/understand things when I am mad so I need to distance myself from that person in order to figure things out.
For me, it is a pattern, I do it every time, when some situation goes in circles and I can´t find the way out.


It is not my intention to hurt the other person when I do this but to find a better place to start all over again, so we both can try to fix things once more.
Do I feel guilty about it? yes, every time, but I also noticed that if I don´t do that, if I don´t distance myself fromt hat person/situation, I will make things worse.
Did you realize we have the same MBTI type and the same Ennagram, and the same type responce to that particular kinsd of hurt?
When I hurt someone like that I feel lower than whale dodo.
 

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Well, I'm deeply in love with my ENFP boyfriend. He's pretty much perfect for me, and my best friend. He's a catch, and there's no way on earth I'd want to let him go.

For a while there, however, we were getting really frustrated with one another, arguing and having lots of physical and emotional frustration within the relationship. For about a week I didn't see him, I hardly spoke to him, and often ignored him. I displayed the typical doorslam behavior, the kind that's helped me end so many friendships. I'm not sure why I did it, but I felt like I was being attacked and I "gave him distance" for a while.

It was too long, really, and soon we missed each other terribly. He called and basically begged me to please, please talk to him and see him. We spent a day together, a day filled with mostly talking, and we resolved our arguments. He's feeling peachy keen, and he hardly even thought something was wrong in the first place, he was just irritable because of the heat.

Well, he's fine, but I feel terrible. I'm really hurt. When I was overwhelmed I tried to force him away, but it makes no sense. I love him, and I needed his support most just then. Even though he's fine now, I still hurt his feelings and I feel like an awful girlfriend. I just don't understand why I pushed him away, and I'm afraid it will happen again.

Has this happened to anyone? Does anyone have any answers for me? I'm curious.
Well to me, personally, I have in life tended to withdraw into isolation. For me there are two types of withdrawing: Taking a second to sort through my feelings and then there's the angry isolation where I push people away to "figure things out on my own" but I actually just get gloomy and hopeless, because what I want is actually to be close and held but I freak out and vanish into my shell like some hurt turtle. Let's be real, a part of becoming inaccessible and regulating contact is in a way a passive aggressive power thing and means of having control in a situation that feels scary and out of control. The approach I try to remember to take when I want to break off and isolate is trying to resist that urge and stay there to deal with it. Instead of protecting myself I try to become truly vulnerable and real and expressing my need to feel safe and loved while duking it out. I find my husband (ENFP) is very understanding of my feelings and as we too are in it for the long haul we just pause the situation and make sure to affirm the feelings we have and try to keep the emotional atmosphere reflecting of the love we have despite the disagreeing on things. It takes work though and mindfulness and putting egos aside for love (and I have a massive ego so it's hard to put aside. Lol) I think the strength of having two types who value F is there is a great opportunity to fight constructively and lovingly. You know now from experience how it hurts you to hurt him and it can serve as a valuable catalyst to develop a way to solve arguments, grow and build a kind of a relationship that can truly stand the test of time, through the ups and downs of life. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you guys for all the answers. Very helpful. I too withdrawl often, although this malicious withdrawl within a relationship was new to me.
 

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I do this occasionally too. Do I feel bad about it? Honestly...no. I'm seeing an ESTJ, and both of us tend to withdraw to let things cool off. It's never intended in a malicious way- in fact, I need that time to cool off so I don't say things I'll regret and aggravate the situation! Sometimes we just need time to calm down and think things through. It's natural to get angry sometimes, and everyone deals with their anger in different ways. The most important thing is to have respect for each other despite feeling angry, and learning how to deal with each other's reaction and communication styles.
 

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@Scootaloo I hope you can sort this out and feel better soon.
 
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Thank you guys for all the answers. Very helpful. I too withdrawl often, although this malicious withdrawl within a relationship was new to me.
I was deeply hurt, and withdrew - burning the bridges behind me to prevent ever going back - but I did, having a hand extended over the chasm to help me return. Guilt and deep appreciation all mushed together.
 

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I can only see one reason why you would compulsively do this, namely because your partner does not or cannot fill the emptiness inside you - you long for sth he cannot provide. Like two puzzle pieces that don't quite match.
 

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I have this feeling like you want him to do something for you or mainly the relationship. Do you feel like he is taking more than he's putting in? Could this possibly not anger you but force you to reflect a similar response? Could this be a fear based response? Im not just throwing stuff out there. I feel like sometimes when my wife does or does not do something I expected, I will reflect/mirror the behavior possibly cause its to petty to mention or even worse I dont want to acknowledge it. Does that make sense? I think I might have gone off topic.. lol sry
 

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I was deeply hurt, and withdrew - burning the bridges behind me to prevent ever going back - but I did, having a hand extended over the chasm to help me return. Guilt and deep appreciation all mushed together.
OldManRivers, I always love the beauty and depth within your posts. I am deeply hurt, I wish so bad I could stop withdrawing because I can't imagine my life without this person, I feel guilty but I simply can't, I feel so humiliated. I wish his hand would extend over the chasm... but I doubt it ever will...
 

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Random comment: from my perspective, if someone was prone to withdrawing, it'd be fine so long as it wasn't entirely unexplained. I get the need to withdraw, but if the withdrawal is without even a word (ya know like "I need some space give me time") it would freak me out. A reasonable healthy person should give you space if you ask for it, I think, and from what I've seen of INFJs, they need epic amounts of in-head time to sort things out.

From looking up the topic in general, I would guess... before a non-aggressive doorslam (ie your goal isn't to hurt them, you mostly need space), treat them how you would want to be treated, tell them just as much as you would need to not be utterly panicked by a doorslam.

But time alone is a must, unless you are so close to a person that your mind can work freely at any point with them in your life. Pushing yourself to do what you know you must do sometimes has something to do with it.

This post is probably useless :dry:
 

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OldManRivers, I always love the beauty and depth within your posts. I am deeply hurt, I wish so bad I could stop withdrawing because I can't imagine my life without this person, I feel guilty but I simply can't, I feel so humiliated. I wish his hand would extend over the chasm... but I doubt it ever will...
From the heart, my sincere thanks for your kind words and my understanding where you are now. Some of us love too deeply, give ourselves without reservation, bond even if only one way . . .maybe no one can meet our needs, maybe only God in Heaven.

But we care. We know how to love, perhaps too deeply and not wisely, and that is a measure of our lives. And we suffer when our heart is given to one who cannot give to us. . .

Just remember through all of this, you are deserving of love. There is just a limit of how much pain you can endure.
Peace and comfort to you I pray.
 

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Oh us and our doorslam. Yeah, been there. And yes, it sucks when you do it to someone you love, and you know you're doing it, you know you're being a douche by doing it, but you just.can't.help.it.

Like a lot of the INFJs, I do it to get away. Escape all the emotion (theirs and mine), straighten things out in my head, and then come back without being so caught up in how I feel that I'm an emotional mess. And yes, sometimes there's that malicious side. Sometimes I want him to prove to me that he's willing to put in the effort to bridge the distance I'm making between us. Like to see if he's actually in-tune to how I feel. Doorslam and wait...is he knocking on the door? Wondering if I'm okay? Trying to make it better? You want that person to be there for you emotionally, to protect you. So if you're hurt and you close them off, sometimes you just want them to come make it all better. That's a display of love, and I think INFJs find a lot of value in the actions of people over their words.

My man's told me a few times that the silent doorslam is the worst. He doesn't know what's wrong or how to fix it. We've worked out a solution where when I do the doorslam, he's responsible for holding me and saying "Don't doorslam me", and I'm responsible for sharing with him the reason. Seems he's okay with the doorslam so long as he knows how to fix it or why it's happening, versus the passive aggressive "I'm just not talking to you until you figure it out" version.

Maturity or something. I'd still rather not tell him and mope to be honest. ; )
 
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From the heart, my sincere thanks for your kind words and my understanding where you are now. Some of us love too deeply, give ourselves without reservation, bond even if only one way . . .maybe no one can meet our needs, maybe only God in Heaven.

But we care. We know how to love, perhaps too deeply and not wisely, and that is a measure of our lives. And we suffer when our heart is given to one who cannot give to us. . .

Just remember through all of this, you are deserving of love. There is just a limit of how much pain you can endure.
Peace and comfort to you I pray.
T-T Thank you for such beautiful, comforting words. Perhaps you are right and we are just craving for that overwhelming love only God can give... It is not that we don't love to give without receiving anything in return, but it would be beautiful to at least have one person that would love us as fiercely as we can love..

Thank you for your prayer, I shall pray for your peace and well being as well.
 

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Proposed solution:

Explain to him your type and tendency to doorslam. When things get messy or heated, explain beforehand that you will put distance, not to stop the relationship, but to allow yourself to cool off and be able think logically. Because as an INFJ, im pretty sure you don't do well under that kind of pressure and are sure not to react at all positively. But explain that you need time alone to recover, but you still love him.

Also if you want, explain why and how hurt and guilty(?) you feel. Also, I hope you talked it out properly and explained what the issue was, that whole "he seems fine it was just the heat" kinda sounds iffy to me... but then again, i do not know the whole situation, its just if i dont explain and make sure they know my side (like i do with theirs) then it will just resurface.
 
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