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Some background: I met my current girlfriend on youtube 4 years ago. We lasted 4 months at first but then parted ways. Her justification was that if we were meant to be she would return to me in the future (I saw it as some selfless act on my part). 2 years later she randomly started emailing me and we started talking again. We lasted 5 months before I broke up with her. The reason I broke up with her was because my closest friends had talked me into this whole idea that she was just going to hold me back and that she was probably messing around and not telling me. Needless to say she called me pissed off about 20 minuets after that conversation and her yelling just caused me to go into this blind emotional state.

I called her a month later (because I felt like I made a big mistake breaking up with her) and we started talking again. She told me she had started to fall for this other guy but he didn't care about her. As we talked she started to care more for this guy. It got to the point where I would call her and she would just talk about this guy she liked. It got to the point where even I knew she was just messing with my head for fun. After about a week of this I stopped calling her and within 2 weeks she was calling me saying she was over him and wanted to be with me. We talked for about two weeks and then made plans to see each other in person for the first time (we live 3,000 miles apart). Well about three weeks before I was supposed to see her she told me she was starting to fall for this other guy and that I shouldn't come. Well that got me to think that if I flew out there I would win her heart back like the guy does in the movies.... I flew there and needless to say flew back the next day (she showed up but 3 hours late and the whole time she was with me she was on the phone with the other guy). After that day I wanted nothing to do with her ever again.

This brings me to about 3 months ago. I get an email from her that simply has her flight itinerary (From NY to California) and the email simply says "i'm coming too see you in three weeks". [ side note: she was going to fly into an airport 6 hours away from me]. I emailed her back just frantic because I didn't want anything to do with her. This email led to many more and within 3 days we were talking on the phone. Eventually I told her to change airports but I still didn't want anything to do with her. I just told her to change airports because I wanted to be able to atleast make sure she got back home safe (the plan was to meet her at the airport and get her to buy a ticket back). As we talked more and more I realized she was more mature in a sense and I started to get attached as she did to me. She came and ended up spending $3,000 dollars on me. She actually flew in about 3 days before her prom. This made me feel extremely special because years ago I told her it was my dream to dance with her on her prom night. We started dating and after she left we planned to see each other this month.

Sorry for the long background but I almost feel like it is needed to understand the whole situation.

Now why I am so confused: She will talk to me for hours on the phone, always tells me what shes doing and she has gained my trust. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be loyal/ faithful to me, but she can be so cold sometimes. We will get into arguments occasionally and she will have this fake-break ups with me (she will say we are through and then call me like 40 times the next day). At first I was hurt by this but then I learned to not take her seriously when she has a fake-breakup (she even tells me she isn't serious when she says this). She will send me random texts like "I just cheated on you" but she is totally joking. She then justify's her texts by saying says "if you don't believe it then it shouldn't bug you" or "if you can't deal with it then break up with me". But it totally messes with me emotionally. She also will say "it's fun to mess with your head" which is why I know not to take it seriously (it still messes with me emotionally". Last night she told me she doesn't care about me and went on this tirade about how she doesn't care about anyone (including her family). I know she doesn't mean this but she can be so damn convincing. I just am so confused right now. - a confused INFP male.
 

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Uh... Seriously, run away from this girl and never talk to her again. She is manipulative, insensitive and a player. She is just using you for emotional gratification. You take all her abuse and are always there for her no matter what bullshit she pulls. She knows this, and because of this, she has no respect for you. For your own sake and dignity you need to ditch her ASAP. You're nothing but a game and toy to her.

Don't even bother explaining why you are cutting ties. It's likely that if you do she will go nuts and try to manipulate you into staying her loyal slave. 100% psycho material. Just disappear.
 

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Your girl sounds like a handful! Speaking for myself, I would never put a relationship through all that negativity.
I truly believe people can change, but I also believe that they will always have certain tendencies, and that they must fight and work hard to not do the same things over and over again. It seems like she may be unhappy with how her life is right now. I know that when I feel like I have no purpose in life, I am negative about everything. She may just feel like the only way to have some enjoyment out of life it to push others emotions around.

Whatever her underlying struggle is, you should confront her, because infj's love honesty. Even if you feel like it may not help. And if it doesn't help, if I was in your situation, I would let her figure out her problem herself. You can't put yourself through torture. If she really loved you she wouldn't be toying with your emotions.
 

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Christ on a stick, this sounds like what an unhealthy 8 has done to me...
She clearly is not healthy, and that sounds far too insensitive to be an INFJ, but I'll leave that to your judgement. You would do best to listen to your self-preservation, cut your losses, and don't pick up the phone when she calls. I know it's probably not the answer you're looking for, you can do much better. Be with someone who is supportive and caring, and doesn't do this emotional-whiplash bullshit to you.
 

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She sounds terrible and manipulative to me.

I do want to say that as far as I can tell, MBTI type seems to have little relevance to what's going on with the two of you. INFJ/INFP pairings can have challenges based on the differences in cognitive functions (I speak from experience, as my mate is INFP) but this relationship, this girl, just seem emotionally unhealthy in a non-MBTI related way.
 

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Seconding what @la_revolucion is saying.

It's pretty clear that she's using you as an emotional crutch. This lady isn't healthy and is setting you up for a cycle of agonizing emotional pain...then she'll pull $3000 out of her ass to get your trust and love back. You have to make the decision to stand up for yourself as a person and ditch this person. You deserve better.
 

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Have you ever told her how you felt, or rather, does she know how emotionally confused she is getting you to be? She seems quite insensitive to your feelings if she is constantly doing those things. It seems that despite long distance, you guys still are attached to each other, but she doesn't seem as committed. Is she serious about the relationship? Perhaps her family issues have caused her to become so emotionally unhealthy. If you think it is worth your patience and feelings, you should try to confront her about it. Let her know how confusing she can get, that you don't like when she does this or that, gently. Communication is key. But honestly, it doesn't seem to be working out from what I've read.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Yes I have told her how I felt and she just calls me selfish. Apparently I need to stop being so emotional and learn to deal with it.
 

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Thank-you for all the comments. I really don't want to break up with her and sure part of it is because of the dreams I have had of her and I in the future. I really don't want to end things with her if there is a way to work things out but if she isn't even willing to talk about it then it almost seems as if I have no choice but to... for the sake of me.
 

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Yeah, I was just about to say that I disagree with everyone saying that you should talk with her. This doesn't even sound like a relationship, just emotional deception and abuse. She is clearly unhealthy, and you aren't her psychologist. So needs to improve herself on her own. There is no saving her or this "relationship."

It's unfortunate that your self-esteem is so low that you still want to stick this out. You deserve better. Why flush your dignity and happiness down the toilet for this loser chick? She sucks.
 

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Yo bro. This isn't positive INFJ "behaviour" so to speak. Pretend there is a scale of what an INFJ could be: one extreme would be manipulative, demanding, controlling under her/his little finger to get what whoever wants. Another extreme is someone who is so empathetic (that people can take advantage of the INFJ), always helpful and altrustic to the point it's destroying the INFJ's body. Both extremes are bad and the INFJ needs to be balanced. What your girlfriend is showing me from your post is that she is closer to the manipulative extreme of the scale. To be honest, that's not good at all. INFJs are even telling you not to trust her. She is not a positive influence for you. She can literally be poisonous for you. Please do this on behalf of the INFJ community to break it off with her. She does not represent what an INFJ is and trust me, you can get an INFJ that will be good for you! I promise you, swear to you.
Here is a hug because I am really sad that you had to meet someone like that.


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I really don't want to break up with her and sure part of it is because of the dreams I have had of her and I in the future.
Now, that may be an INFP thing, stubbornness based on how you've decided things should be - maybe Fi-Si loop, though I don't know how Si is involved in the content. Anyway, I just get the feel of the INFP stubborn focus not attuned to present reality from that statement. Opening up more access to Ne can correct that, I think.
 

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Now, that may be an INFP thing, stubbornness based on how you've decided things should be - maybe Fi-Si loop, though I don't know how Si is involved in the content. Anyway, I just get the feel of the INFP stubborn focus not attuned to present reality from that statement. Opening up more access to Ne can correct that, I think.
That's a very interesting concept. So what you're saying is he began to think that they were soul mates and would have a special future together and now, even with much evidence the contrary, is stubbornly refusing to accept that what he thought they would be is not how it actually is/will be and thus, he doesn't want to let her go. He's essentially refusing to let go of the idealized relationship he had envisioned in his mind. Is that right?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
This makes me think about the mayday parade song "if you can't live without me why aren't you dead yet".
 

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Just remember you are a human being, not a punching bag..
She sounds very emotionally unstable, and though I won't say "break up with her", it really seems that this can only end in tears.
She knows what she is doing is wrong - are you willing to commit to someone who is deliberately messing with you? :(
 

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That's a very interesting concept. So what you're saying is he began to think that they were soul mates and would have a special future together and now, even with much evidence the contrary, is stubbornly refusing to accept that what he thought they would be is not how it actually is/will be and thus, he doesn't want to let her go. He's essentially refusing to let go of the idealized relationship he had envisioned in his mind. Is that right?
This could be accurate. What I don't understand is why this would be an INFP thing. I just know that it has a palpable feel/resonance that reminds me of my mate's stubbornness in certain contexts. The observed example I'm remembering specifically, though, was more of a Fi-Si thing where it was more of an idealization based on past experience. But I feel like I've seen or heard something pretty directly along the lines of what you're describing, either from her or elsewhere.

Hmmm ... This may explain it: I wonder if the connecting key is that the idealization, wherever it comes from, gets integrated into the Fi matrix somehow and located as important in there - and data to the contrary is filtered out because it challenges Fi material. Then you get that stubborn refusal to deal with what's going on due to holding onto the idealization embedded in Fi and that would be the link to INFP.

Edited to add: I'm pretty certain that my mate has described a pattern like this to me in stories of situations I haven't observed directly.
 

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@nearform

Seriously dude, she is a psycho. At the very least, an extremely unhealthy game playing manipulative cow.

She is trying to elicit emotional feedback from you through extreme negativity and this is because she has mastered her Fe in a very manipulative way, and is very emotionally undeveloped. She's fucking with your head, dude, but you already know that.

My question to you is this: why do you feel you deserve such poor treatment? Perhaps some self-work is necessary for you too, because it shows that you are very unhealthy too for wanting to be with someone who treats you so poorly. Perhaps you like the drama?
 
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