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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm an INTJ, age of 20, never been in any relationship.
And the need/desire to find someone who I can bond with, is getting a little bit out of control.
Any time that I do not spend increasing my chances on finding someone, feels like wasted.
I'm constantly contacting people online, at random, see if that person could be the one.
I'm going outside jogging frequently, but the main reason is that I might encounter someone while doing so.

I'm really doing everything I can, to increase my chances. And it's frustrating that all my efforts are fruitless, as you can't "work" for these things. It happens to you at random, really frustrating.
I'm even considering to go outside, go to a place where I don't know the area, and knock on the dour of a random house pretending (or not, doesn't matter) I'm lost, asking for directions. Just to get to meet even more people. This is of course getting pretty pathetic/ridiculous. It's not attractive at all, I know. But it's all I want from life. And it's not that I will fall for the first one that feels something for me. I'm fairly picky, I wish I wasn't.

Anyone experienced anything before? Or knows what I'm talking about? And it's not just lust or hormones, I just have the deep need to open up to at least one person in my life, as right now. I do not have any bond with anyone, there is just no one in my life that I care the slightest bit for. And it makes you feel alone, very alone.

So I'm trying to get out of this situation as hard as I can, trying everything I can think off, but it's not working at all. I only get disappointed over and over. Making it harder to continue like this. But I know doing nothing, sitting inside, won't help change my situation.
 

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Well honestly,
Most people don't care about each other. Unless if they are your family.

It's about how much you can dismiss your deep need to bond, in order to just go with your feeling, and ignoring what others think of you. I know this sounds unsatisfactory, but most people who are socialites aren't really looking for a deep bond with others. It's a way for them to express themselves.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Well I do not have family that I care about.
And I know most people aren't looking for any deep bond.
But I'm not interested in superficial friendships.
I am already ignoring what others think of me, it's not cause of outside pressure that I feel this need.
Trying to dismiss the need, but it's not that easy
 

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FIND INTUITIVES.... how? I dunno... gotta get creative. Plus i know what you mean..... shit is frustrating... very frustrating.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Creative? How do you like the idea of knocking on a strangers person house asking for directions?
 

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Creative? How do you like the idea of knocking on a strangers person house asking for directions?
ah yea i forgot about that. yea i kinda just pulled the advice out my ass. ummm coffee shops? ummm music venues? any group kind of thing.... maybe even activist groups..... lots of infjs and entps in there ive noticed. n's like books ... or like tothink they do.... so maybe bookshops and stuff.
 

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You're right, you have to get out of the house to make connections. Going online is fine in its way, but it's hard to get together with someone who turns out to live 5000 miles away. You need to meet people in real life, but knocking on strangers' doors is not going to do the job.

I suggest joining some groups. I know that can be really hard and not how you want to spend your time, but it's the easiest way to make connections with people. Social activism and environmental groups attract lots of NFs, and they're all about deep bonds. Do their social activities and work projects. Having something specific to do really helps me connect with others. Do you like to read? Join a book club. Try learning a fun sport that you do with others. Join a hiking or biking or swimming club. Take a creative writing class. Go to the bookstore or library, find out what activities they have, and sign up. Take a cooking class. Go to church and stay for the social time at the end. Do volunteer work. The possibilities are endless.

I know it's hard, but you will definitely make some connection this way. Some can grow into the deep bonds you need, if you nurture the friendship.
 

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I suggest joining some groups.

I know it's hard, but you will definitely make some connection this way. Some can grow into the deep bonds you need, if you nurture the friendship.
Joining is the first step. Once inside, you still have to dismiss the need for deep bond, and just go with the flow. Sometimes and even most of the time you will feel that your energy is drained in order to give your attention to others, and acting in a way to please them.

I've been there, and I'm always failed at it.

As Nietzsche said:
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
 

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I can relate completely. Everything I do is an attempt at reaching out in some way, trying to connect with someone who will ideally understand and accept me, who will be equally worthy of my respect. All of the arts and crafts, the music, being here online, everything is directed toward this cause. The only thing that motivates me is the hope of it. I find myself deteriorating spiritually, engaging in a form of idolatry, distracted from my true purpose. This need is desperate enough to interfere with even the most important ideals, to the point where I could be tempted to do things I wouldn't usually consider acceptable in order to relieve this feeling of lack, the way a starving man might feel more inclined to steal food regardless of his beliefs about theft.
 

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Everything I do is an attempt at reaching out in some way, trying to connect with someone who will ideally understand and accept me, who will be equally worthy of my respect.
This is the problem. I always want this, but the reality is people want to be accepted, not to accept others.

This need is desperate enough to interfere with even the most important ideals, to the point where I could be tempted to do things I wouldn't usually consider acceptable in order to relieve this feeling of lack, the way a starving man might feel more inclined to steal food regardless of his beliefs about theft.
Sometimes, my dirty mind and negativity just overpowered my ideals. Right now I'm responding to you in this forum. But, I somehow know or at least lose hope that you will care about me at all, if I try to connect with you.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks snail, somehow knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing exactly this, makes it a bit more bearable.

This is the problem. I always want this, but the reality is people want to be accepted, not to accept others.
Not true, I have friends who I accept for who they are, and they are grateful for me being there for them, taking them for who they are. But I don't feel like bonding with them. It's always one way, never both ways.

Sometimes, my dirty mind and negativity just overpowered my ideals. Right now I'm responding to you in this forum. But, I somehow know or at least lose hope that you will care about me at all, if I try to connect with you.
I'm not sure but I think most posts are made with that thought in mind of the poster?
 

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This is the problem. I always want this, but the reality is people want to be accepted, not to accept others.



Sometimes, my dirty mind and negativity just overpowered my ideals. Right now I'm responding to you in this forum. But, I somehow know or at least lose hope that you will care about me at all, if I try to connect with you.
Thanks snail, somehow knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing exactly this, makes it a bit more bearable.



Not true, I have friends who I accept for who they are, and they are grateful for me being there for them, taking them for who they are. But I don't feel like bonding with them. It's always one way, never both ways.



I'm not sure but I think most posts are made with that thought in mind of the poster?

Aww, I think what the world needs most is just for everyone to be suddenly overwhelmed with deep, authentic love for everyone else.

I care, and I am listening. I just don't always communicate well. I'm sure I have friends who think they care more about me than I care about them. Maybe some actually do. I had friends I cared about more than they cared about me. I just had one reject me recently, when I thought he considered me his "best" friend. I mean, he was the "all of my eggs in one basket" friend that most introverts either have, or want to have. I felt really fulfilled when I talked to him, and now I don't have anyone like that. It's hard.
 

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I feel a similar "emptiness" occasionally, as the lack of skill in presenting myself to people and understanding/interacting with them becomes utterly limiting---what gets me is typically the task of taking my handful of existing valued relationships to the next level. This emptiness would probably be amplified or more severe were I not an INTJ, but whether you need a network of people in your life or a small circle, the knowledge that you are quite unable to construct such things is a difficult thing indeed.



The internet is becoming an increasingly common domain for lasting friendships, and PerC seems to me like a great place to start...not only do we have tons of members from all over (there are meet-ups), but MBTI can really unlock social mysteries by helping one better understand oneself and others, and by leading to larger success and an easier search for compatible friends.

Are you in college? Have you tried volunteer work? Find out what's going on around you through newspapers, CraigsList, etc. Perhaps you could even look into those self-help books, some people find them helpful.

Best of luck to all searching for intrapersonal or interpersonal understanding or fulfillment.
 

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Not true, I have friends who I accept for who they are, and they are grateful for me being there for them, taking them for who they are. But I don't feel like bonding with them. It's always one way, never both ways.
I was talking about most people. So, if it's one way, whose needs are fulfilled? You or your friends?

I'm not sure but I think most posts are made with that thought in mind of the poster?
Maybe, but sometimes it's only done to seek clarification, information, confirmation, or arguments. Not for making a connection.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Are you in college? Have you tried volunteer work? Find out what's going on around you through newspapers, CraigsList, etc. Perhaps you could even look into those self-help books, some people find them helpful.
I'm about to end my studies and go work instead. I'm not going to try volunteer work as that will draw a lot of attention from my family which I'm trying to avoid at all cost. But I found a club nearby I'm going to try for a while and see if it makes a difference. Was planning on going with my friend, but decided not to do so, cause I will probably won't make any effort to get to know others at the club then.

I was talking about most people. So, if it's one way, whose needs are fulfilled? You or your friends?
Mostly theirs, mine as well a bit as I love to help people out in any way.
 

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Don't worry. Some of us are attracted to guys who are introverted, awkward, lacking confidence, maybe even a little desperate. I'm not saying that you are any of these things, just that some of the characteristics you would least expect are appreciated by someone. (Maybe I'm just really strange :p) There's someone out there, keep looking and you'll find someone who appreciates and deserves you.
 

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The woman that I've been communicating with, is attracted with my intellect, or the way that I accept her. That's a rare scenario, at least in my case.

But, I also found situations where the woman is just too smart, it's very hard to get close to her. Because she's always evaluating the correctness and the uniqueness of things that I'm trying to say. If it's boring to her, then she won't respond at all.
 

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it depends on alot of things. i have mostly J's in my family/people i happen to come across, and while i can stand some of them, most of the time it isn't even worth attempting to interact w/ them because they can come across as so harsh (intentional or otherwise). i hate the feeling of constantly having to walk on egg shells when i'm around them, so, i just don't anymore.
 

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I went through a stage like that very recently. for about 5 months. What exactly do you want to open up to someone about? I don't mean for you to spill your guts on here, but really ask yourself what and why you want to open up. Looking back now, I realise that was a point where I was very unhealthy, and what got me through it (I never did find anyone) was realizing exactly what my problem was and doing something about it.

I don't know what your particular situaion is, but when I have an intense need to talk to someone, it's because something in my life is making me really unhappy, and I don't know what to do about it, and I just want someone to listen. The last few times this happened to me, though, I just searched my soul to figure out exactly what was making me unhappy, and what I could possibly do to change that.

Maybe you can relate. If not, sorry I took up space on your thread.
 
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