[Kristiiing]

Ok, so I was dating an ESFJ for almost 4 years and we broke up about a year ago. He just recently typed himself and told me and HOLY CRAP I REALIZED SO MUCH ABOUT HIM. Not only about him, but about our relationship. I hadn't paid attention to my MBTI during our relationship (I typed myself in high school and just kind of forgot about it...not until recently did I start to pay attention).

I don't know if it's because they don't have the intuition, but I found manipulating him and our relationship to be very easy...I couldn't help doing it. And I know it's bad, and that's one of the reasons our relationship ended was that I told him I didn't think I treated him right and he DIDN'T SEE WHY I THOUGHT THAT! I was like "how can you not tell?". I knew it was wrong the way I manipulated him and I just didn't like who I was around him.

Also, he was SO NEEDY. Now, I need reassurance every once in a while, but I find that my needs seem to be very simple (just sending me a text to say hi), just knowing that you're thinking about me, saying things that I find genuine (I love making you giggle), honestly I just needed to feel genuineness and I usually can just tell when someone is being genuine (NF...). But he needed extravagance, it seemed. I needed to tell him that he was the GREATEST BOYFRIEND and that I had never felt like that before! Etc....I just couldn't handle that.

Also, I felt that he was very condescending to me. He would seem concerned for my emotional state but then when I would try to explain it, he would tell me "I told you so" or "well you should have done this" or "well that was stupid", or some other back handed comment.

He was also VERY concerned of my life. He was always worried about my money and tried to tell me what I should do with it, and he also was concerned with my weight. He never told me to lose weight or anything, but if I was like "Oh! I want a milkshake" he would say "Are you sure you want to eat that?" AHHHHHHH. Or if I was having a fat day he would say "Go to the gym". And I am concerned about other people's life, but it stays at concern. I just want to know about someone's life and understand and try and make them feel better about it. Not try to control it.

I don't mean to trash talk, because if anything, I was really secure in our relationship and completely sure at all times that he loved me, which was nice. But I never really understood why he irritated me so much and why I didn't ever want to tell him my emotions.

OK, I feel better.

 

[yumiii]

I just have a question. Feel free to not answer it though if it gets too personal, but could you cite some examples of how exactly you manipulated him?

I won't judge, no worries. I find manipulating people to be quite easy too, for the most part. I don't do it though (or as far as I can recall, I don't).

Anyway. Heh. I know what you went through. My ex was exactly like that. He would want me to tell him what I felt for him in the most extravagant manner all the time, it was irritating. I mean, I don't mind telling someone how I feel about them, but it has to be at certain moments. If someone tells me to tell them I love them or what have you, I'd feel insincere in saying it, not because I don't love that person, but because it'd be like I'm just saying it to satisfy said person, not because I actually feel it.

It takes out the genuineness of the word, I feel, and it's just not right.
I hope this makes sense.

 

[Kristiiing]

I'm so happy someone else has dealt with this! Haha, He always wanted such sappy, romance movie type compliments too. And they never, ever seemed genuine to me! It was like he wanted candlelight dinners and roses. And that stuff just makes me sick to my stomach. I like telling people how I feel about them too, but I like to show it even more (by asking them about their lives or doing something nice for them). I don't know. It's hard to articulate what exactly I am trying to say haha.

As for manipulating him, it's hard to explain. I could just make him do anything I wanted, really. Not talk to someone I didn't like, drive me EVERYWHERE. I did it without realizing, and once I had some space from him (we decided to go on a break) I had an epiphany, and decided that is not who I wanted to be.

And now I find that I don't even want to talk to him and he just annoys me all the time. I feel really bad because I know that he wants to continue the friendship. I don't know why everything he does rubs me the wrong way.

 

[kiwigrl]

I don't know if it's because they don't have the intuition, but I found manipulating him and our relationship to be very easy...I couldn't help doing it. And I know it's bad, and that's one of the reasons our relationship ended was that I told him I didn't think I treated him right and he DIDN'T SEE WHY I THOUGHT THAT! I was like "how can you not tell?". I knew it was wrong the way I manipulated him and I just didn't like who I was around him

. I've heard on here that ENFJs are good at manipulating, but I don't see myself as manipulating. Can you explain some examples of this so that I can figure out if I do it without realising?

Also, he was SO NEEDY.

I hate that. It's so draining having to reassure them 24/7 and feed the attention seeking.

Also, I felt that he was very condescending to me. He would seem concerned for my emotional state but then when I would try to explain it, he would tell me "I told you so" or "well you should have done this" or "well that was stupid", or some other back handed comment.

How rude! I would have dumped him not long after this behaviour started.

He was also VERY concerned of my life. He was always worried about my money and tried to tell me what I should do with it, and he also was concerned with my weight. He never told me to lose weight or anything, but if I was like "Oh! I want a milkshake" he would say "Are you sure you want to eat that?" AHHHHHHH. Or if I was having a fat day he would say "Go to the gym". And I am concerned about other people's life, but it stays at concern. I just want to know about someone's life and understand and try and make them feel better about it. Not try to control it.

Does the word "Control Freak" mean anything to you? or perhaps the phrase "Tall poppy"?

 

[Kristiiing]

. I've heard on here that ENFJs are good at manipulating, but I don't see myself as manipulating. Can you explain some examples of this so that I can figure out if I do it without realising?
?

Hm, it's hard to really explain. I guess it's more like he let me walk all over him (and I need a boyfriend, not a door mat. And I realize that I shouldn't have walked all over him but he never stood up for himself!)...I could just convince him to do anything. Like, if I wanted to go home for the weekend (a 4 hour drive), he would do it. Or if there was a picture of him and an ex girlfriend on his computer, I could get him to delete it. And when his ex girlfriend wouldn't stop texting him in the beginning of our relationship, I got him to stop talking to her completely (which was a healthy thing, though). Little things like that. I am not sure if that makes sense, but it really is hard to explain.