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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I recently took the Myers-Briggs test, and find that my ISFJ personality is completely spot on! I take things to heart (a little too much) and therefore i choose my friends wisely and only have a handful of close friends. With that said, I've been dealing with something personal recently.

A cousin-in-law is getting married this summer, and I was surprised that I wasn't chosen to be in the wedding party. Not just that, she chose my sister-in-law to be in it (who is also an in-law to her, so there is no blood relation). I'm more hurt that she was chosen over me. I guess I have issues with my sister-in-law, seeing that she doesn't really bring value to anyone, other than being a good/fun drinking buddy. I see myself of more value to the bride because I let her live in my house for the past year. I think this is a big favor to offer someone. i also freely offered her wedding advice since I just got married last year. the wedding party is really big (10 each), so it's not that there wasn't room. Call it jealousy or not feeling appreciated, but i feel more betrayed than anything.

I probably won't say anything, not even to my husband because it is his family. (the ISFJ in me haha). but this just helps establish that people will stay outside of my inner circle of friends
 

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That sucks.... However. How close are you with the cousin-in-law? Somehow I don't see it as a vindictive move... I don't know if you do.. rather, her thought process of picking which friends to be included in wedding party was obviously different from yours.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything to her simply to avoid controversy and guilty feelings, but to my husband? Yeah I'd have a few words (eloquently worded though lol ).
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That sucks.... However. How close are you with the cousin-in-law? Somehow I don't see it as a vindictive move... I don't know if you do.. rather, her thought process of picking which friends to be included in wedding party was obviously different from yours.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything to her simply to avoid controversy and guilty feelings, but to my husband? Yeah I'd have a few words (eloquently worded though lol ).
well with her living with me this past year, i thought we were pretty close. she vents about her boyfriend and work. I vent about things to her too. so i thought we had a bond.

how can i bring it up to my husband without hurting his feelings? He would probably get defensive about his sister. (like how is she not deserving of the part?)
 

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Why don't you take it up with her? I know such an action would be a little bit deviant from the realm of social regularity and a little bit of a farcry from ISFJ nature, but if you discuss it it civilly and amiably, I'm sure that something good will come of it; either you'll end up attending or you'll discover the reasoning as to her own conduct.

Communicate how you feel about being excluded. Just my recommendation! :) Sometimes the problem is as small as an erroneous oversight caused by the pressure that I'm sure she's feeling.
 

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Why don't you take it up with her? I know such an action would be a little bit deviant from the realm of social regularity and a little bit of a farcry from ISFJ nature, but if you discuss it it civilly and amiably, I'm sure that something good will come of it; either you'll end up attending or you'll discover the reasoning as to her own conduct.

Communicate how you feel about being excluded. Just my recommendation! :) Sometimes the problem is as small as an erroneous oversight caused by the pressure that I'm sure she's feeling.
idk, i wouldnt bring it up to her. it will either make the cousin in law really mad (i wouldnt want that on her wedding days) , or guilting the cousin into inviting her. for me its, either you do it willingly or do not bother doing it
 

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I can completely relate getting upset over something like this. I was upset when my cousin (I grew up with her and we are extremely close) decided to just elope. I had always fantasized about being a part of her wedding so it crushed my feelings a bit!

I understand and empathize with the fact that you are hurt. This is a special event. And when we have a close bond with somebody, we want to take part in their special moment, and then when you learn you aren't part of the wedding party it crushes you and you start to question the friendship.

However. This really, really is not about you. This is about your cousin-in-law's wedding. It is her special day, and she can choose whomever she wants to be in the party. She could choose nobody to be in the party if she wanted. She could elope if she wanted. Whatever she wants at her wedding, she deserves. And she deserves people at the wedding who love her and are happy for her and respect the choices she is making, for whatever reason she is making them. So instead of feeling sad that you are not in the wedding party, try focusing on "I really love my cousin-in-law and am so happy she is getting married and want her to have the best wedding ever, even if I'm not a part of the party."
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
idk, i wouldnt bring it up to her. it will either make the cousin in law really mad (i wouldnt want that on her wedding days) , or guilting the cousin into inviting her. for me its, either you do it willingly or do not bother doing it
i agree. i'm not bringing it up because i'm choosing my battles wisely. it would be a bit petty of me to make this "a big deal." it is her wedding after all, and i dont want her to feel guilty for it. i hope there will be other opportunities to be special in her life.
 

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That happened to me but I didn't say anything about except to my mother (at the time).I was bothered by it because she had so many bridesmaids ( I would have understood better if it been a small wedding party) It's been years now since it happen but it did take me a while to get over it.

The thing is I knew I would be closer to her than most of the people in the wedding party and it's true .I never did think though she was trying to hurt me as my mother said I stay away from the center of attention and they probably thought I would prefer it that way.But it did hurt all the same.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
That happened to me but I didn't say anything about except to my mother (at the time).I was bothered by it because she had so many bridesmaids ( I would have understood better if it been a small wedding party) It's been years now since it happen but it did take me a while to get over it.

The thing is I knew I would be closer to her than most of the people in the wedding party and it's true .I never did think though she was trying to hurt me as my mother said I stay away from the center of attention and they probably thought I would prefer it that way.But it did hurt all the same.
true. i, myself, do not like attention, but with 10 bridesmaids and the attention on the bride, there wouldn't be any left for me anyway! it's just, "you're so quiet" shouldn't be an excuse. if i need to take responsibility and come out of my shell, I will, especially for someone who's special to me.
 

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true. i, myself, do not like attention, but with 10 bridesmaids and the attention on the bride, there wouldn't be any left for me anyway! it's just, "you're so quiet" shouldn't be an excuse. if i need to take responsibility and come out of my shell, I will, especially for someone who's special to me.
Yes I thought this as well -what's one more? Then you have the flower girls too .Really? Who would even notice I was up there? Except for a few people I would blend into the wedding party.
 

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I'll just say plainly, the wedding is about her and her choices ... not about you. Are you invited to her bachelorette party?
 

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Honestly, this seems kind of silly to me because it is all about titles. After all, you are not the bride. She is. But if you truly think she is taking advantage of you (which it sounds like to some degree) then stop doing her favors. Your actions will speak louder than any cat fight you can possible have with her.
 

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But if you truly think she is taking advantage of you (which it sounds like to some degree) then stop doing her favors. Your actions will speak louder than any cat fight you can possible have with her.
Agreed. The next time she looks to you to bail her out (because there WILL be a next time; as your ISTJ "kin" I can relate to knowing I'm the one that people rely on to bail them out) just tell her that you can't. If she presses for a reason, just state that you have other things that you've committed to (she doesn't need to know that you have committed to teaching her a lesson) and let her seek out the relatives that she holds in such high regard to help her out. If they can't or won't, then let her deal with/solve the issue on her own. DO NOT feel bad and bail her out at this point. It will teach her self-reliance, and it will (hopefully) make her put 2 + 2 together and realize that she hurt your feelings.
 

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Agreed. The next time she looks to you to bail her out (because there WILL be a next time; as your ISTJ "kin" I can relate to knowing I'm the one that people rely on to bail them out) just tell her that you can't. If she presses for a reason, just state that you have other things that you've committed to (she doesn't need to know that you have committed to teaching her a lesson) and let her seek out the relatives that she holds in such high regard to help her out. If they can't or won't, then let her deal with/solve the issue on her own. DO NOT feel bad and bail her out at this point. It will teach her self-reliance, and it will (hopefully) make her put 2 + 2 together and realize that she hurt your feelings.
the OP does not feel that she was taken advantaged of because she willingly allowed the cousin to live there. rather its the feeling of jealousy because a person who did nothing got chosen over her. being invited to the wedding is not the important part here. she just feel that how come someone who did nothing is more special lol. for ISFJs it is really the thought that counts. xD...

personally sela, your suggestion is too passive aggressive for me. if someone hurts me badly enough to warrant a response, i will usually let them know about it. that type of constant hostility between two people is not something I can handle.

P.S, I vent like this too xD its a good way to let our frustration out xD. thinkers do not see the point of venting, because for them, they want to solve the problem xD!

imagine venting is like charging my niceness battery. something frustrating can drain that niceness battery, and i vent, and afterwards i go back to my normal self.
 

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@twinkieluv,

I'm so sorry that she is not being very appreciative or inclusive of you, but at the same time, sometimes I think it's way more fun to go to a wedding as a guest than in the bridal party - this way you can relax and enjoy instead of spending a bunch of money and having duties to attend to. I hope you can enjoy the wedding regardless! Is your husband in the groom's party? If so, it would not be unreasonable for him to drop out so that he could enjoy the wedding as a guest with you. If not, then you can enjoy the wedding with him!

Like you said, at least you now know not to consider her inside your inner circle.
 

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personally sela, your suggestion is too passive aggressive for me. if someone hurts me badly enough to warrant a response, i will usually let them know about it. that type of constant hostility between two people is not something I can handle.
Thanks for the feedback. If approaching someone directly is warranted, I'll be the first in line, but sometimes an unexpected and direct conflict has the opposite effect on some people; i.e., instead of solving the problem, they get all defensive/put up their barriers and any thoughts you had of solving the issue just flew out the window.
 
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