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Does any other INTP experience this need to have some physical space from their romantic partner?

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with an ISTP and things are going quite well. While I do miss my boyfriend sorely, when he comes to visit and stay with me it doesn't take long before I feel like I need my own space. I just like to do some things on my own. Sometimes I want to watch my own TV and be an an adjacent room from him, or at least across the same room from him. When he's gone, I miss him physically and I call him often just to catch up briefly.

Do any of you guys experience this need to have a very precisely balanced amount of together and separate time from your romantic partner? Three days of spending every hour (waking and sleeping) together makes me a bit neurotic. I've found when I'm constantly with him, I start getting messy and disorganised (not that I'm not on my own, but worse!) and I feel restless. My ideal time spent with him is being in close proximity to him but doing our own stuff, with some together time doing a shared activity and some time on my own doing my own thing.
 

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Yup. I learned the hard way that I need to live alone. I like being around my SO (when I have one), but I like them in small doses. A few hours here, maybe a day there, then I need to physically be apart for a while. In my ideal world, we'd see each other a couple evenings a week, maybe one day on the weekend.

I let one of my girlfriends move in with me once. Holy fuck was that a mistake.
 

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Does any other INTP experience this need to have some physical space from their romantic partner?

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with an ISTP and things are going quite well. While I do miss my boyfriend sorely, when he comes to visit and stay with me it doesn't take long before I feel like I need my own space. I just like to do some things on my own. Sometimes I want to watch my own TV and be an an adjacent room from him, or at least across the same room from him. When he's gone, I miss him physically and I call him often just to catch up briefly.

Do any of you guys experience this need to have a very precisely balanced amount of together and separate time from your romantic partner? Three days of spending every hour (waking and sleeping) together makes me a bit neurotic. I've found when I'm constantly with him, I start getting messy and disorganised (not that I'm not on my own, but worse!) and I feel restless. My ideal time spent with him is being in close proximity to him but doing our own stuff, with some together time doing a shared activity and some time on my own doing my own thing.
Yes, I always needed space, even during my marriage. For family events, while I was able to extend the time I spent with people, they eventually all became aware I could handle an hour or two in proximity to all those people and then I needed to fade for a bit and come back later.

There's also that difficulty in having to negotiate every waking moment with another human being, it just feels so restrictive to me. I love to hike, for example, but am very leery about hiking with others because suddenly what is a spontaneous and interactive experience for me now has to be constantly negotiated unless I'm really in sync with the other people -- how fast, how far, which way, rest time yet? Etc. Negotiations like that are exhausting over a period of time; I have a need to at least part of the time be completely autonomous and able to respond in the moment to whatever I am sensing. Three solid days with someone, without respite, sounds like hell. (As another example, I love my kids, but a week of vacation in a tiny room with them, for example, drives me crazy.)

So for a partner nowadays, while I couldn't deal with someone who was a complete hermit (why be in a relationship with someone I never spend time with?), I need a partner who has his own interests and likes to spend some time by himself. So we could spend some time together, then do our thing for awhile, and keep intersecting and bringing things back to the relationship. I just need that time to learn, do my thing / chase whatever I'm in interested in, introspect, and whatever else. I'd expect to spend time in the relationship being near each other without necessarily engaging. I don't want to hang all over him and I don't want him hanging all over me.
 

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That... sounds a lot like me, including the long-distance thing. My boyfriend visited me for the first time in a year a little while ago, and we spent a week together barely leaving the same room for the whole time. It was... very difficult.

I felt like I was supposed to spend time with him because that's what he was there to do, and because he gets rather upset when I'm obviously avoiding him, but sometimes I was just tired of it. I'd go take a shower or go grab something from the next room just for a couple moments of privacy. Two hours a day every second day would be a good amount of time, I think, though I'm currently far from that balance. Goddamn extroverts...
 

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ENTP, yea, but it also depends on their vibe.

l don't think l'd want much space if it was just a visit.
ldeally, l shouldn't need too much space if the person is right for me (l'm hoping this saying it's true).

l'm able to offer more attention if it isn't being demanded from me, typically. l don't mean demanded in an obvious way, l guess l can be a little reactive to these things but at times it really feels like people are draining you at warp speed.

Not even being an introvert, l still have that reaction to a very particular sort of person.

l do think the set up Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have is appealing :laughing:
 

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INFP.
I feel like the ideal for me would be living with someone but interacting with them on my terms, it sounds selfish I think.
But I think it's why I get along alright with my parents, they don't pester me and if i've isolated myself for so long I can engage with them if need be just for a few questions for a few minutes.
I think it'd be somewhat lonely living alone for me but I need them to keep their distance.

I can only tolerate people I like for so long.
I remember I had an extraverted friend stay over for a week while parents were away. By the end of it I hated him.
He didn't leave me alone ever. If I went to take a shit he'd be at the door trying to talk to me, he slept in the same room as me and followed me every minute of the god damn day. One of the worst experiences of my life.
 

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l lived with an ENFP for a few months, and l can't believe that it made me hate him. l'm kind of nervous now.

This is someone l had instant chemistry with and never got tired of hanging out with. lt was the little things...how can you be weird about giving someone space in the morning?

Why would you walk in the bathroom? No, we can't shower together. Get the hell away from me.

Forever alone -_-
 

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@sehvral

Kind of off-topic, but maybe not? I too think I've decided that I need to live alone for the rest of eternity. It's not that I can't find anybody, but I just feel like it would be best... I like all of the mushy stuff in a relationship, but I just can't imagine sharing my life with somebody for the rest of my life. Can't imagine having someone in my space all the time (except at work).
 

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I had to stay with an extrovert for about a week once. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The guy literally would not leave me alone, would even talk to me through the damn door while I took a piss. :frustrating:

I've never lived with an SO before, but I think if I was relating with a introvert I might be able to tolerate it. I have my work that takes up most of the day, and coming home to a quiet person with whom to speak and maybe have the sexy times with might be nice.
Though now that I think about it, I'm not sure how I would feel about sleeping in the same room with somebody. The idea of it is nice, but thinking about actually sharing a bed with somebody almost makes my skin crawl. Perhaps I'd have to actually try it before condemning the practice completely, but I am a very private person.
 
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The key to healthy relationships is to let the other person grow as a self-sufficient individual (with their own time to reflect, with the freedom to work toward their productive goals, and the capacity to have their own values and meanings that are different from yours) and to be together (by nurturing their potential to actualize themselves, by giving them the freedom to live without unnecessary judgments on their lifestyles as long as those lifestyles aren't endangering themselves or destroying others).

So many people think that relationships are about the need to possess and to control the other person. They form a dependency on the other person, clinging to them like leeches, and make them feel guilty when they're not around. They get jealous and compare themselves to other couples and try to turn the person they're dating into a model of themselves.

We have to find a way to let each other live as free individuals. Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean we own somebody. If you need alone time to feel sane (and INTPs might need a bit more alone time than most) honestly communicate that need. There is no reason for feeling guilty or angry over it (I'm speaking generally, not specifically to you). If anything, your relationship can blossom because you have that nourishing time to yourself, to reflect on who you are, and what you want to become.
 

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The key to healthy relationships is to let the other person grow as a self-sufficient individual (with their own time to reflect, with the freedom to work toward their productive goals, and the capacity to have their own values and meanings that are different from yours) and to be together (by nurturing their potential to actualize themselves, by giving them the freedom to live without unnecessary judgments on their lifestyles as long as those lifestyles aren't endangering themselves or destroying others).

So many people think that relationships are about the need to possess and to control the other person. They form a dependency on the other person, clinging to them like leeches, and make them feel guilty when they're not around. They get jealous and compare themselves to other couples and try to turn the person they're dating into a model of themselves.

We have to find a way to let each other live as free individuals. Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean we own somebody. If you need alone time to feel sane (and INTPs might need a bit more alone time than most) honestly communicate that need. There is no reason for feeling guilty or angry over it (I'm speaking generally, not specifically to you). If anything, your relationship can blossom because you have that nourishing time to yourself, to reflect on who you are, and what you want to become.
So well said!
 

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l lived with an ENFP for a few months, and l can't believe that it made me hate him. l'm kind of nervous now.

This is someone l had instant chemistry with and never got tired of hanging out with. lt was the little things...how can you be weird about giving someone space in the morning?

Why would you walk in the bathroom? No, we can't shower together. Get the hell away from me.

Forever alone -_-
Had this exact same problem with an ENFP. I thought it was very strange.
 
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Had this exact same problem with an ENFP. I thought it was very strange.
;_;

l've tried narrowing my annoyance down to functions, and l don't really think it's either one(Fe vs Fi). lndividually based, l guess.

What's weird is that he wasn't really showing what you'd think are typical Fi behaviors, but l can sometimes react to Fi like a blackhole trying to suck me in :mellow:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I think that social expectation is that people who are committed or married live together and the media strongly depicts couples and families spending a LOT of time together. Most people have raised an eyebrow when I mentioned that I wouldn't want to always sleep with someone in the same bed, and people have said to me that I'd change my mind once I find that special someone. I think I'd be able to live with someone I love, but I would definitely need something like a woman cave to do my own thing or I'd literally go insane. I just hope that once I start a full time job that I won't be too cranky at the end of the day from socialising, and just want to be on my own if I come home and happen to live with my partner.

I guess it's just nice knowing that I'm not the only one that struggles with this aspect of what society implies I should do when it comes to living arrangements with family and such. :]
 

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;_;

l've tried narrowing my annoyance down to functions, and l don't really think it's either one(Fe vs Fi). lndividually based, l guess.

What's weird is that he wasn't really showing what you'd think are typical Fi behaviors, but l can sometimes react to Fi like a blackhole trying to suck me in :mellow:
I do think this is Fi behavior. Not saying all Fi-doms will behave this way, but I think Fi-dom males may be more prone to this. Boundaries are a known issue for ENFPs when they're crossed with Ti.

Similarly, people have told me many stories about INFPs being unnecessarily unclothed. There's a thing about that and Fi I think. Again, it's not an every Fi situation. Fe seems to be more modest. I know some Fe-dom/aux's who are almost OCD about covering up.
 

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The key to healthy relationships is to let the other person grow as a self-sufficient individual (with their own time to reflect, with the freedom to work toward their productive goals, and the capacity to have their own values and meanings that are different from yours) and to be together (by nurturing their potential to actualize themselves, by giving them the freedom to live without unnecessary judgments on their lifestyles as long as those lifestyles aren't endangering themselves or destroying others).

So many people think that relationships are about the need to possess and to control the other person. They form a dependency on the other person, clinging to them like leeches, and make them feel guilty when they're not around. They get jealous and compare themselves to other couples and try to turn the person they're dating into a model of themselves.

We have to find a way to let each other live as free individuals. Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean we own somebody. If you need alone time to feel sane (and INTPs might need a bit more alone time than most) honestly communicate that need. There is no reason for feeling guilty or angry over it (I'm speaking generally, not specifically to you). If anything, your relationship can blossom because you have that nourishing time to yourself, to reflect on who you are, and what you want to become.
Absolutely true! My INTP true love is exactly this and I understand completely and respect it. It was difficult for me in the beginning, not because I was controlling or possessive (never been those my entire life), but because I was emotional and feeling, being an INFJ.

I believe you nailed KT. Bravo!
 

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Does any other INTP experience this need to have some physical space from their romantic partner?
I very literally need physical space. I was in a long-term relationship with a fellow INTP/J, and we found it impossible to share a bed (not to mention the fact that we both needed to just drop off the face of the earth time to time). At the end of the night, either he or I would leave, depending on whose place we had been hanging out. I just need a really big bed, all to myself, and I even hate having pillows. Just can't sleep with them.

Of course, all of this is going to cause friction when I get into a serious, long-term relationship. Ah...
 
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@sehvral

Kind of off-topic, but maybe not? I too think I've decided that I need to live alone for the rest of eternity. It's not that I can't find anybody, but I just feel like it would be best... I like all of the mushy stuff in a relationship, but I just can't imagine sharing my life with somebody for the rest of my life. Can't imagine having someone in my space all the time (except at work).
Yeah, I expect to spend the majority of my life alone, and I'm pretty okay with that. I like the mushy crap too, but only in small doses.

A friend of mine has what I consider the perfect relationship. She has her house, life, friends. He has his life, house, friends. A few friends are mutual. They see each other as often or as little as they want. No pressure or expectation to be around each other. It has worked pretty well for them now, going on 8 years. That said, they're both divorced with kids, so they learned the hard way exactly what they need.

I've had exes who could never understand the need for time alone. They take the flawed logic of linear progression and think "if two hours together is X Awesome, then 2 days together would be 24X Awesome". I then explain that they can have me at my best for two hours or at my worst for two days. I'd rather have less time together and have it be great than more time together that is mediocre at best.
 

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I very literally need physical space. I was in a long-term relationship with a fellow INTP/J, and we found it impossible to share a bed (not to mention the fact that we both needed to just drop off the face of the earth time to time). At the end of the night, either he or I would leave, depending on whose place we had been hanging out. I just need a really big bed, all to myself, and I even hate having pillows. Just can't sleep with them.

Of course, all of this is going to cause friction when I get into a serious, long-term relationship. Ah...
Been there. I have two bedrooms and two beds for exactly that reason. One bed is sexy time bed (and the one she can sleep in), the other is my bedroom. I don't mind cuddling around for a bit, but once it is time to fall asleep I'm going to my bedroom, alone. I have never been able to share a bed with anyone and get anything remotely close to a decent night's sleep. Shit, I can barely sleep under the best of conditions...

I found it helps to make this known from the very first night. It causes some potential relationships to end quickly if they can't wrap their heads around it, but I've known a couple girls who were either able to understand it or were willing to work with it. It is a pretty decent barometer of "can she live with all my weird, abnormal behaviors?"
 

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I found it helps to make this known from the very first night. It causes some potential relationships to end quickly if they can't wrap their heads around it, but I've known a couple girls who were either able to understand it or were willing to work with it. It is a pretty decent barometer of "can she live with all my weird, abnormal behaviors?"
Point noted. My ex and I did this. The night we decided to date exclusively, we had an extensive discussion about our oddities. He convinced me to co-write our relationship contract. (Yes, a paper contract. It was signed).

In the long run, our very similar rigidities and oddities made for a monotonous relationship with very little room for personal growth. It made me rethink what to, or not to, disclose in the early stages of a relationship. This said, I agree that mentioning the part about needing separate beds (and other critical things about oneself) would be helpful.
 
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