[Halcy0n]

I have an ESFJ classmate who just won't leave me alone...he has problems with depression, but every time I try to help him, he shoots me down. I want him to be happy, but I only have so much patience! He texts me every day (even though I politely told him that I dislike texting) and it's really getting on my last nerve. He texted me during a nap today and when I was on Facebook an hour or two later, he wrote on my wall, "I thought you were sleeping"

Does anyone have any advice? I'm at my wit's end.

(I also posted this in the ESFJ forum.)

 

[wonderfert]

Have you tried to ask him to stop other than saying that you don't like texting? You might need to be more blunt. In other words, tell him to stop texting you, and subsequently do not reply to the texts. You're going to have to be very direct, from the sound of it.

 

[Halcy0n]

Have you tried to ask him to stop other than saying that you don't like texting? You might need to be more blunt. In other words, tell him to stop texting you, and subsequently do not reply to the texts. You're going to have to be very direct, from the sound of it.

I have tried not replying to the texts, but he just keeps sending them. He texted me like 3 times today and I finally replied the third time...and then he did it again hours later.

I feel a bit hesitant to be blunt, simply because he (has) cut himself and I'm afraid to push him off the edge. He tells me that all of his friends end up ignoring him and that he gets so lonely...I don't know if I'm being played or not.

 

[wonderfert]

I feel a bit hesitant to be blunt, simply because he (has) cut himself and I'm afraid to push him off the edge. He tells me that all of his friends end up ignoring him and that he gets so lonely...I don't know if I'm being played or not.

Well, I've been in a similar situation, so I understand. How about a heart to heart conversation? Be honest. If his friends ignore him, it's likely because he does the same behavior with them. Then again, he could be playing you. It's always a possibility. I understand your hesitance to act, but you can't keep tiptoeing around the issue for his comfort while disregarding your own. Talk to him, set some ground rules. If he can't adhere to it, make it clear that there will be consequences. It's tough love, but it's not good for you to let yourself get walked all over.

 

[Naleena]

I feel a bit hesitant to be blunt, simply because he (has) cut himself and I'm afraid to push him off the edge.

First of all you are not responsible for your friends actions. You can be honest and open and do it in a kind way. If he decides to hurt himself, it's HIS decision. You would have done nothing wrong.
From the way it sounds (his "shooting" you "down" for trying to help him) he is going to do what he wants anyway. As long as you talk to him in a caring way, you will have done the right thing.

 

[Molock]

every time I try to help him, he shoots me down.

This tells me that he actually wants reassurance. That or he is confused and cannot quite figure out what his problem is in the first place.

He texts me every day (even though I politely told him that I dislike texting) and it's really getting on my last nerve. He texted me during a nap today and when I was on Facebook an hour or two later, he wrote on my wall, "I thought you were sleeping"

I agree with the other posters. Be direct and clear when you tell him you don't like text messages. Do not answer any of his text messages subsequently.

It is not your responsibility to be his emergency go to person whenever he has problems. It's great to be a friend and help him out but there must be a limit.

 

[Aiam]

I echo the previous posters, particularly Naleena. Ultimately, this classmate is not your responsibility. You have done (or are doing) your best to help him; to do more than you already are will affect you negatively. From my experience, which is by no means encyclopedic, the kind of help this classmate needs can only be fully provided by a trained professional.

You should be direct, be clear, and clearly delineate what you are and are not willing to tolerate. And do not feel bad for saying no to anything.

 

[Halcy0n]

Thank you everyone for the advice!!

I told him that I can only do so much for him as a friend, and that he needs to seek professional help for his problems. He has an appointment with the campus counselor in about an hour, and I agreed to meet with him for dinner tonight to talk about how it went. He has been laying off the texts lately, so I'm hoping that I got the message across by ignoring him.

Again, thank you everyone for the advice. I'm feeling much better by now. :happy: I hope that his appointment goes well for him and I will keep you updated if you wish!

 

[dagnytaggart]

I have tried not replying to the texts, but he just keeps sending them. He texted me like 3 times today and I finally replied the third time...and then he did it again hours later.

I feel a bit hesitant to be blunt, simply because he (has) cut himself and I'm afraid to push him off the edge. He tells me that all of his friends end up ignoring him and that he gets so lonely...I don't know if I'm being played or not.

He's mentally impaired. Nothing you can do except refer him to a doctor/counselor. Avoid him, do not sit near him or talk to him. Be brief but polite if he seeks you out, but tell him you're busy and need to be left alone.

If he keeps at it, you'll have to suck it up and be blunt. Pull him aside, sit down somewhere and just make it clear:

"We're going to have to put things on pause between us. Nothing personal, I swear. However, I'm not your therapist. I can't treat or cure your depression, and quite frankly, you and your constant needs are invading my personal space. Only you can help yourself, so figure things out on your own, though I'd recommend you see a professional, and I can find some names for you if you're interested. Again, this is in no way personal, alright? You just need to get yourself together! (playful/kind smile) It can't be fun for you to go on like this anyway, can it? It's definitely not fun for me. (playfully serious look) It's just the correct course of action - for both of us. I promise, once things are sorted out, it's on between us again, full swing. Until then, please refrain from contacting me furthermore. (stand up and hug/smile) Until then, alright?"

I had to do the exact same thing once, and this is pretty much the script I used. You can thank my Fe. :wink: