[Angelus]

Bold parts = tl;dr

So some people have probably read some of my recent posts / threads and noticed that I'm having a some sort of internal crisis about my relationship. Mainly I've been questioning whether I'll ever be happy with our ability to relate to each other and deeply understand each other.

But at the same time there's so many good qualities about both him and our relationship. I think he possesses a lot of qualities that I might just as well never find in another man. We share a lot of the same dreams and aspirations, we make each other laugh, he's fiercly loyal and dependant. I know I can count on him anyday, he's the most stable person I know. I also know that if I were to stick with him, I could be sure of a future where we would both achieve our dreams (he pushes me to do my best) with no financial stress. We also have the same family values and ideas of parenting (although not too relevant at this point). Oh, and he's the most handsome and charming man I know.

But yesterday we had a big fight because I was unhappy. Well, it wasn't really a fight. It was more like me embarressingly crying about what I need and how he doesn't give it to me. While he turned stone cold, probably caus I was being an annoying whiny bitch really lol. But nevertheless it hurt. I might've hurt him too, although he denied it...He would never admit it though. Eventually I got him to talk but it made him say some of the most hurtful things. For one, he told me that my INFJness is nothing good, it's only a burden (with exactly those words)

It hurts a lot, but at the same time I can understand it. He relates my sentimentality, whinyness and impossible to please needs with being an INFJ. He feels like I'm NEVER happy. No matter what he does. So therefore he has quit trying to make me happy caus apparently it's an impossible task. I hate it how he hasn't said anything before(although I've asked). Like I've felt him be more distant, yet he has denied it.

He claims that it doesn't matter what he does, caus things will always turn out to be the same. I'd like to disagree, but what can I say, all the proof is against me. It always does happen.

So, he told me to decide. Either we continue together and I never bitch again about the same stuff, or we break up. According to him it's just "that simple". He said that if it takes me 2 months to decide, it's okay. As long as I just make a decision and STICK WITH IT.

What's wrong with me? Right now I just want to cuddle and forget all about our flaws. Like I don't even care if we'll never have a deep conversation again, I just want to be with him. I wish I could turn into an ISTP or something, just to make our lives easier.

Are all INFJs doomed to regularly have very unhappy moments in their relationship? Have you experienced this?

P.S.
We're in our 20's, in a 3 year serious relationship.

 

[March]

Answering your final question: Yes, I think all INFJs are doomed to regularly have very unhappy moments. I had one with my husband yesterday - I did something that accidentally caused him physical pain and he responded in a very snarky-aggressive (to me) way. I felt awful. Completely ruined the next few hours until we got to talking about it (didn't want to pick a fight while we were on our motorcycles) and then it didn't feel awful anymore because we talked it over. I think INFJs feel strongly and think quickly, and are likely to hit upon painful triggers easily. And when we feel unhappy, we feel VERY unhappy. I think what matters is the overall picture. Are you generally happy with an occasional painful blip? Then carry on as you were. Are you generally unhappy with an occasional good moment? Then maybe you need to look into talking to a professional.INFJs CAN have the first option.

Answering your meta-question: is the fact that an INFJ will regularly have very unhappy moments a bad thing? I don't think so. Sure, we can be deeply unhappy, but we also tend to forgive easily AND have great introspection so can explain WHY we're unhappy and what would help us right now, so our occasional bouts of unhappiness aren't necessarily a great burden on our partners. And for ourselves - sure, we can be deeply unhappy, but we can look beyond that to the good parts. Is the fact that you regularly stub your toe a reason to give up on furniture altogether? Nah. Just invest in a good pair of shoes. Life isn't meant to be a smooth sea of blissful boring contentness, and the fact that your life together is punctuated by the occasional crying fit doesn't MEAN anything.

Possibly unwanted relationship stuff: I think your fellow is being unreasonable here. You're in a relationship together - you're SUPPOSED to help the other person get what they want and need. Not necessarily all by yourself; you can help build each other's lives in such a way that others help fulfill those needs, but in the basis it's your jobs to support each other as long as you're together.

(Now granted, I don't know what it was you were needing and how you asked for it, so I'm trying to be even-handed here.)

The ultimatum about never ever bitching about something that bothers you is stupid. If something bothers you about how he behaves, he should want to know! Especially if it's something he's been able to give you before (which I assume it is, because otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 3 years - if you're suddenly demanding he be something he never was, that's not reasonable). Sure, you need to ask without angry outbursts or judgements or guilt-tripping (and almost everyone I know still needs a LOT of work to get to that point!), but he should be reasonably open to your wishes. And some things just tend to come back because you guys are just different.

It's silly of him to say that he's allowed to not change his behaviour to prevent the clashes, but you are not allowed to do what you need to do to mend that clash. And if you're anything like me, you want the person who hurt you to understand WHY you feel bad. Not a 'sorry if you feel hurt' but a 'ahh, of course you feel sad if I call my friend with good news before I call you!'

He needs to respect your needs and wishes and idiosyncracies. And you need to respect his. And he doesn't get to decide that you're impossible to satisfy. Especially if he quit trying. If you break up with him (not saying you should, but if), please know that it's not because you were too whiny to stop bitching about small stuff, but because you deserve a partner that is interested in your happiness. It's not his job to MAKE you happy, but it sure is his job to try to not contribute to your unhappiness, and stonewalling and giving you ultimatums isn't really a good way to do his job.

(OTOH, I'd guess that YES, he was hurt. Doesn't matter that he would deny it to the corners of the earth - you've probably seen the man when he was happy and this ain't it. If he's not a talker/analysis-based guy, it may be hard to find out what exactly set off his bad feelings, but I bet you're able to guess. Sometimes, these triggers are growing-up issues he needs to get over (like 'she needs to never be mad at me or I'm a failure!'/'a happy life together means never being unhappy, even for a short while') or childhood triggers ('her crying because of something I've done reminds me of my mother') that are hard to avoid, but maybe you're not being very pragmatic in your requests either. I know I have to battle my tendency to 'conflict-avoid myself into a better future' EVERY day. I tend to ignore small annoyances until they're a volcano of loneliness, and at that point there's no good way to work them out. A wise person once said "spend 90% of your effort on helping people 'get it right' and only 10% on lecturing them if they fail to get it right." If you want hugs, hug him. If you want talks, sit him down at the table with a snack and a drink and talk. If you want to do fun stuff with him, suggest fun stuff to do and plan it. Make it EASY for him to make you happy. He's not (apparently) going to be the effortless-soulmate guy that never takes any work. But he might still be worth it anyway. If he drops that silly ultimatum, that is.)

 

[Angelus]

@March

Hi, first of all, thanks a lot for an in depth answer! I appreciate it very much...

I did something that accidentally caused him physical pain and he responded in a very snarky-aggressive (to me) way. I felt awful. Completely ruined the next few hours until we got to talking about it (didn't want to pick a fight while we were on our motorcycles) and then it didn't feel awful anymore because we talked it over. I think INFJs feel strongly and think quickly, and are likely to hit upon painful triggers easily. And when we feel unhappy, we feel VERY unhappy.

Indeed, I've noticed that I'll be in torment until the matter has been discussed. I tried to tell this yesterday to my bf too, but he thinks that talking helps nothing, only makes it worse. It sometimes gets worse because I get more and more offended by his hostile attitude, as he doesn't necessarily want to talk with me (not anymore, since we've had too many of those talks). Like yesterday he was trying to watch one thing on tv, which seemed to be more important than me weeping my heart and soul to him. It was like I was bothering him with my annoyingness. It's so sad because I remember days when he would drop everything just to make me feel better, and almost cry himself too because he felt bad for me.

Sure, we can be deeply unhappy, but we also tend to forgive easily AND have great introspection so can explain WHY we're unhappy and what would help us right now, so our occasional bouts of unhappiness aren't necessarily a great burden on our partners.

Indeed, my boyfriend actually said that he's fine with everything. He says he has no problem. He says I'm the only one with a problem. Like he can continue to be in a relationship and just live his life and he'll be happy. But he's concerned that I probably wont be at this rate.

Possibly unwanted relationship stuff: I think your fellow is being unreasonable here. You're in a relationship together - you're SUPPOSED to help the other person get what they want and need. Not necessarily all by yourself; you can help build each other's lives in such a way that others help fulfill those needs, but in the basis it's your jobs to support each other as long as you're together.

Yes I agree. I think he agrees as well, but only to this point. I think he's had enough of trying without results. Because I know he has tried to some extent at least. But he's very keen on being himself and not changing for me at all. I want him to be himself, but sometimes he seems to take it a bit too far. But yeah, my point is that he has tried to make me happy, but he gets frustrated caus he feels like it doesn't help so he can just as well do nothing with the same results. I disagree in the sense that whenever he has made an effort, I have been happier about that particular thing. But then something outside our relationship has momentarily made me feel down, which has caused him to fall back all over again. It's like a pattern really. >___<

(Now granted, I don't know what it was you were needing and how you asked for it, so I'm trying to be even-handed here.)

Well, honestly I was talking about my doubts for our relationship. But how I still loved him and didn't want to break up...Sort of. I was being very indecisive, which I'm pretty sure he resents.

The ultimatum about never ever bitching about something that bothers you is stupid. If something bothers you about how he behaves, he should want to know! Especially if it's something he's been able to give you before (which I assume it is, because otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 3 years - if you're suddenly demanding he be something he never was, that's not reasonable).

He didn't mean to tell me to stop bitching about anything for the rest of my life. Just to stop being so undecisive about the same things all over again really. Like I should just make a decision to be with him and then stick with it, instead of being so flaky and irritable all the time.

(OTOH, I'd guess that YES, he was hurt. Doesn't matter that he would deny it to the corners of the earth - you've probably seen the man when he was happy and this ain't it. If he's not a talker/analysis-based guy, it may be hard to find out what exactly set off his bad feelings, but I bet you're able to guess. Sometimes, these triggers are growing-up issues he needs to get over (like 'she needs to never be mad at me or I'm a failure!'/'a happy life together means never being unhappy, even for a short while') or childhood triggers ('her crying because of something I've done reminds me of my mother') that are hard to avoid, but maybe you're not being very pragmatic in your requests either.

Yeah...But I'm guessing that if he was hurt it's caus I was wondering whether or not our relationship will last. And it's not the first time I've talked about it within a few months. Also I was simply doing just about everything wrong to annoy him in the first place that moment (can't bother to explain but anyway...).

 

[bengalcat]

But yesterday we had a big fight because I was unhappy. Well, it wasn't really a fight. It was more like me embarressingly crying about what I need and how he doesn't give it to me. While he turned stone cold, probably caus I was being an annoying whiny bitch really lol. But nevertheless it hurt. I might've hurt him too, although he denied it...He would never admit it though. Eventually I got him to talk but it made him say some of the most hurtful things. For one, he told me that my INFJness is nothing good, it's only a burden (with exactly those words)

It hurts a lot, but at the same time I can understand it. He relates my sentimentality, whinyness and impossible to please needs with being an INFJ. He feels like I'm NEVER happy. No matter what he does. So therefore he has quit trying to make me happy caus apparently it's an impossible task. I hate it how he hasn't said anything before(although I've asked). Like I've felt him be more distant, yet he has denied it.

He claims that it doesn't matter what he does, caus things will always turn out to be the same. I'd like to disagree, but what can I say, all the proof is against me. It always does happen.

I agree so much with what March had to say but with one more thing to add.

I don't think this is entirely about your INFJness alone. It is your INFJness in an emotional dead-end situation.

If you've noticed that you're like this with every friend and every partner, then maybe it is just something about you or your INFJness. But what you're describing sounds like a particular negative loop that I've heard other INFJs experiencing, which I've also experienced myself - it happens when the relationship the INFJ is in is a one-way emotional street. Essentially being emotionally-starved and invalidated tends to make us crazy and volatile. INFJs who've experienced that kind of relationship and then experienced one with someone who is attentive and not the slightest bit dismissive express being much more stable, relaxed and happy as a partner.

There's definitely something afoot if he blames all the problems of the relationship on you alone. And if his way of dealing with problems is to bottle them all up until he finally blows the one time, making a ridiculous ultimatum.

Hmmm. Personally I think that one thing that's wrong with you is that you think he's such an amazing catch when he's not, at least not as much as you seem to think he is. What's also wrong is that you're buying into this bullshit that it's 100% on you and that you need to magic yourself into an ISTP - i.e. being with him makes you not want to be yourself. You would rather give up yourself than lose him? That's effed up. The whole point is you can't be ISTP and be you. If you said something like "your INFJness is nothing good, only a burden" to most other types, they'd tell you to step the fuck off. It's grossly mean and offensive. Instead you're taking it to heart, despite knowing that is a cruel thing to say, and using it to make it seem as if not only are you irrevocably messed up but other INFJs must be too? Because how could your charming boyfriend possibly be wrong in his assessment?

.....

 

[Angelus]

If you've noticed that you're like this with every friend and every partner, then maybe it is just something about you or your INFJness.

I haven't. It's actually quite hard to make me emotional (in a bad way) if you're not my SO.

There's definitely something afoot if he blames all the problems of the relationship on you alone. And if his way of dealing with problems is to bottle them all up until he finally blows the one time, making a ridiculous ultimatum.

I hate the bottling up too. But I don't think it's a ridiculous ultimatum really... He meant it more for my own sake rather than his actually too. Besides I've made him listen to a lot of rants. And I don't think he would've said anything unless I wouldn't have been telling him to SAY SOMETHING for a long time lol...

Hmmm. Personally I think that one thing that's wrong with you is that you think he's such an amazing catch when he's not, at least not as much as you seem to think he is.

...I do think he's an amazing "catch" (I hate that word). But I don't think he's perfect. Although I think he would probably be a perfect catch for someone naturally more suitable.

What's also wrong is that you're buying into this bullshit that it's 100% on you and that you need to magic yourself into an ISTP - i.e. being with him makes you not want to be yourself. You would rather give up yourself than lose him? That's effed up. The whole point is you can't be ISTP and be you. If you said something like "your INFJness is nothing good, only a burden" to most other types, they'd tell you to step the fuck off. It's grossly mean and offensive. Instead you're taking it to heart, despite knowing that is a cruel thing to say, and using it to make it seem as if not only are you irrevocably messed up but other INFJs must be too?

I didn't really mean it to be honest. Sometimes I just feel like it would be convienient. But I'm not trying to change into anything other than a better version of myself. And in fact, stopping contraceptive pills has finally helped me grow a backbone lol. So even confidence isn't really such a problem anymore.

Because how could your charming boyfriend possibly be wrong in his assessment?

.....

No need to patronize me. I may be naive sometimes, but I'm not stupid. 3 Years is enough to make you realize your boyfriend isn't perfect and always right. Also you shouldn't hate on my boyfriend, you don't really know him and you've only heard my side of the story.

 

[Angelus]

@March & @bengalcat

My boyfriend actually just called. He was...Very sweet. Not romantic or anything un-ESTJish. But he wanted to talk and he opened up. He listened to me and was very understanding. He said that he's coming over tonight so we can talk things over with time. That means that there's no hurry and we'll both try to be understanding and really discuss, not argue...

And funny enough, even that phone call we just had was enough to make me feel that oh so famous "deep emotional bond" that i've been longing haha, at least momentarily. I think it's really a matter of having him open up...

 

[The Proof]

And funny enough, even that phone call we just had was enough to make me feel that oh so famous "deep emotional bond" that i've been longing haha. I think it's really a matter of having him open up...

that's nice, when both people are open and nonjudgmental things get solved

even if 1 partner is closed off it's not gonna work

btw, for the longest time I thought your avatar was just a head appearing from an eggshell

 

[Angelus]

that's nice, when both people are open and nonjudgmental things get solved

even if 1 partner is closed off it's not gonna work

Indeed. I can't wait for tonight. I'm not saying that it'll save everything, but it's a moment we both need. I'll probably report back about how things went!

btw, for the longest time I thought your avatar was just a head appearing from an eggshell

LOL. How is that possible!? : -D *tries to look at the avatar that way*

...Nope, still don't see it. :--D



Okay, just a tiny bit I see it.

 

[March]

Sounds like you, for one, are in the right emotional space to listen to him. Good on him that he approached you to talk!

Just keep a tight rein on your adaptabilty, OK? It's one of the beautiful things in an INFJ, the wish and the ability to give another person what they want. But if you choose a partner who doesn't realise that, giving in to that impulse to make things work smoothly behind the scenes is likely to only cause you grief until you learn to use it in moderation.

Good luck!

 

[fae.mouse]

I haven't read the replies yet, but I can relate to this so much. This sounds almost exactly like why my past two relationships have failed. And they were both quite good relationships really, especially the most recent one. Also in my 20's, and my last two relationships have lasted about 2 years each, this last one was very serious. Planned to get married and all but things got called off because of...basically the same issues you're having.

 

[Twoshoe]

Well if your emotional bond thing is such a great need, why not date an NF or at least an NT for understanding?

Also, you cannot possibly agree to never "bitch again about the same stuff" in good faith. That's ridiculous (and unrealistic).

 

[Noelle]

You've had a lot of advice about his side, I guess I'll step on the other side of the fence.

While it stinks that he has you out on he emotional ringer, to make any sort of progress in relationships you have to take a good, long, deep look at yourself as well with the words of your partner in mind. Think about them and decide whether or not you should take them to heart. He can't improve all the way for you, you have to improve for him, meet in the middle, or decide to move on.

The part that really struck out at me is the part that said "INFJness is...only a burden." In an unbalanced INFJ, this is 200% TRUE. I could list a billion things that make us a burden for ourselves, and even if we don't see it, it creates half a billion things that makes us a burden to others. Think about why and what the burdens are, stop being prideful of being so 'rare,' (not saying you are, I'm just saying it's a common trap to fall under) and recognize our struggles. Then learn to correct the self, learn to be less selfless and make YOURSELF happy, learn to not need other's input/feelings so much, learn to not be constantly depressed with the world around us. It's hard, since that seems to be our 'default' mode, but when you learn to mitigate those struggles, you'll become that stereotypical 'shining light' to others, including him.

I have fallen into the "you'll never make me happy" pit, even with my husband of all people. Our ideals are so high and lofty, we have to realize, NO ONE, and I literally mean no one, will ever live up to them. If we keep striving for the 'perfect' relationship, we'll never have even a good one. Look back at the past and see what failed, what you absolutely couldn't deal with and what you absolutely had to have in order to be stable. When you find an absence of the first and presence of the last, try to stick it out, because even if they don't always have what you want 100% of the time, they have what you need, and that is more important.

Don't forget the flaws you have, store them away in your memory so you can avoid the pitfalls later. You know your flaws, respect the fact that he has them too.

That said, NO relationship can flourish in a vacuum. If he is really just not filling the bill, it may be time to move on, it is the kindest thing for both HIM and YOU. It is hard to find the line between pushing harder and calling it quits, but you'll find it somewhere if you think on it enough.

All people are doomed to have very unhappy moments in their relationship, not just INFJs. Struggles just tend to hit INFJs harder than most because we are both so structured and idealistic at the same time. Once you accept that they will happen, it makes sailing to stormy parts of the relationship much easier.


I'm in my 20s as well, but my husband and I are going on six years, so hopefully some of my jaded musings can help.

 

[Killbain]

Making someone 'happy' is not part of a relationship. It is far too great a burden to put on anyone's small shoulders. It is not my responsibility to make my SO 'happy' nor hers to make me 'happy'.

Relationships must be worked at. But if the protagonists are content and realistic within themselves then the work is easy.

Our relationships suffer or become unworkable when one looks to the other to 'provide' something, whatever it may be, stability, confidence, happiness etc etc. A relationship is about giving and not expecting.

"If you love someone, set them free" - is a cliche, but a truism.

 

[Angelus]

Hi guys! We had a nice long long talk tonight.

Sometimes it felt like it didn't matter what he said, if he opposed me, if he supported me or if he criticized me. It just felt so ...good and rewarding to hear him talk honestly and openly!

Basically I told him to be more receptive and open with me. I also told him that he needs to quit the "I'm not going to change for you" mentality. He has applied it to all the wrong things too. Like he'll do the opposite of what I'd want because he doesn't want to seem weak, or like he's surrendering he's whole life to me... It was really a question of how much he was willing to invest in our relationship right now too.

Then it came down to whether or not I was the kind of a person he'd want to do those changes for. Then we weighed the pros and cons of our relationship together. He thought about it long and hard and ultimately came to decide that he believes that if he makes those changes himself, I can be that person. And it's the same for him really.

I actually knew I wanted to continue being together the moment he started openly talking. It just instantly makes me feel so much stronger about him. He used to be this way in the beginning of our relationship, but turned bitter because of certain turn of events (which didn't really even have all that much to do with me).

The only question was whether he wanted to be with me, since he was so tired of my flaky indecisiveness. But we discussed it and he decided that he thinks it's worth a shot. Especially if we're going to try and make changes in ourselves. What he said made it pretty clear he had strong feelings for me anyway.

It was really a 5h conversation so it's impossible to properly summarize it like this. :') But all in, things are absolutely great for now. I didn't even cry during our convo and I think he caught the message of what I really need, and how it's not something he can't deliver (or hasn't delivered before).

I'm very happy for now. And right now I actually feel like it's going to last.

 

[Angelus]

@Noelle

Yes, I believe you're very right! It's true that no one is perfect and honestly, this problem we've had is really the only bothersome problem in our relationship.

I loved your post anyhow. You're very right about an unhealthy INFJ being a burden. Can't blame my bf for that comment, because at that very moment I can easily understand that he felt that way. Sometimes you just gotta stick with it though (but definitely not always).

Taking your post to the heart.

 

[bengalcat]

@March & @bengalcat

My boyfriend actually just called. He was...Very sweet. Not romantic or anything un-ESTJish. But he wanted to talk and he opened up. He listened to me and was very understanding. He said that he's coming over tonight so we can talk things over with time. That means that there's no hurry and we'll both try to be understanding and really discuss, not argue...

And funny enough, even that phone call we just had was enough to make me feel that oh so famous "deep emotional bond" that i've been longing haha, at least momentarily. I think it's really a matter of having him open up...

I have been through similar things with an ISTJ. We had many of those chats and I did get to see the "deeper emotional side" of him. He even said that I'm the only one who's seen that side to him and probably the person who knows him the best. Or who actually knows him. That deep side always only came to the fore in conflict periods however, which is probably also why most people don't really know him - on his own he would tend to avoid intense emotional situations.

I hope the dynamic between you two is vastly different to what it was in my situation. I held on for too long (2 years of struggling on top of the first 3 years) because I only ever looked at the short game, and chose to ignore the long one.

It was a good experience for me to be able to see my weak spots, and to find out what my insecurities are, I never would have imagined I'd have the type of reactivity I had when I was with him. My first learning period in the relationship was learning how to communicate and feel safe being completely honest with him. My second was learning about how I had certain triggers and fears that were causing me to be volatile. My third was learning about how it actually wasn't all on me and truly being able to see his weaknesses as a partner. My fourth was learning about how there was better out there for me and that I did deserve it.

What kept me with him was that I thought he was a great person and I really loved the thought of a future with him. However it wasn't until we lived together that I really started to see how hard it was for me to feel happy and appreciated around his need to control, his inflexibility and his preference to not get too deep with chats. He once said that in terms of emotional needs and closeness, he thinks that he's below normal and I'm above normal... so maybe with an average person each of us could be alright, but it was difficult with our particular gap. Hmmm. Something interesting I just realised is that he was also concerned with the intensity and frequency of my emotions, but the Ns I've known never have been. Even the NTs. My ISTJ became quite concerned about me and kept trying to get me to read books on how to feel happier that he had found useful (despite the fact that I was talking to a counselor and became quite a bit happier after we broke up), but Ns have never made me feel like there's something wrong with me. It's kinda nice.

P.s. My interest in the types of issues you've been having in your relationship and the similarities with the ones I had isn't just about STJ with INFJ, but it's also because they're young men too. I generally think that the learning curve for relationships is very steep in the late teens and twenties, and I wouldn't be surprised if the xSTJs have a particular type of lesson they face as young men. My ISTJ did change over time, but there is a core that he can't and shouldn't change, and honestly there were things in himself that I think it was very important for him to keep intact that also made life harder for me. It's not just about changing but it's about where people are going to be at most of the time, on a regular basis throughout life, and what is the most relaxing for them. The once in a while deepness that required drama and conflict to be brought out wasn't enough. That's the thing, there were things he could do to suit me better, he "could" change, but it required a lot of work from him. There's change and then there's change that people can really live with without being run to the ground.

 

[bengalcat]

Oh, I'm not sure if you've already seen this thread but there are some INFJ perspectives on ESTJ + INFJ that provide a more balanced view than my negative one on ISTJ + INFJ.

http://personalitycafe.com/estj-forum-guardians/25674-estj-infj-match.html

I really admire xSTJs and think they're great as friends, and to know deeply especially - they get a bad rap for just being sticklers for rules and conformity who don't really think or feel for themselves, which isn't true - but now I know that it was never going to feel truly fulfilling and it took so much work. I was also the one who did the most of the bending.

 

[waterviolet]

Here's the thing. You both have to put the "work" into the relationship in order to make it successful...his phone call is very promising! Love is the acceptance of all a person is - the beautiful, the ugly...everything. We don't always have to like it and please know that is ok! It's amazing how much more free you will feel when you realize your partner isn't perfect, will never be perfect... nor will anyone else be. It's great to have a fantasy of "prince charming", but the possibility of perfection...well that's a very illusive thing to capture. I'd probably start by recognizing exactly what it is you feel you lack. Are there times he gives that to you and are you willing to value and appreciate the times he does give that to you? I hate to say it, but failure only happens if you view it as such.

 

[SumSamurai]

Yeah.. I guess we should turn off our intuition and judging and just go with the flow... We make assumptions, over analyse without explicitly saying anything and make ourselves paranoid over nothing! Just.. chill....

 

[segway92]

This is so typical of an INFJ. One moment we're not happy with how our relationship is going. Then something little our SO does that makes us feel loved and heard makes them seem like their still made for us. Honestly I use to be the same way. I just got out of a serious 5 year relationship because of you're same reasoning. Now I'm not saying you should end you're relationship. I'm just wondering if you're communicating your needs to him and him to you. Do you both know what you want and need from each other? I mean 3 years is a long time. Long enough for your needs and wants to change.Have they? Anyways I hope you get what you want out of your relationship.