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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was wondering what you guys think. Is it ever okay to say "I have enough friends now, thank you." And then walk away? I think I've been bad setting limits this way. I mean, we do this with interested lovers. We can say things like "I'm not seeking a partner right now" or "I'm not interested" or "I'm taken, thank you." So wouldn't it be okay to not spread ourselves out too thinly when we feel like we've hit our max in the friend area? I mean too much, and I start being less effective and more flaky.

It's like what I had to learn when people ask me to commit to various obligations. I had to learn to prioritize and just say "no" to some things. So is it okay to do this with friendship? Sometimes I feel like I'm over stuffing myself. It's hard too because I love people and I really care about each individual.
 
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I think it's really hard for a ENFP to say "no" to anyone in general
 
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I was wondering what you guys think. Is it ever okay to say "I have enough friends now, thank you." And then walk away? I think I've been bad setting limits this way. I mean, we do this with interested lovers. We can say things like "I'm not seeking a partner right now" or "I'm not interested" or "I'm taken, thank you." So wouldn't it be okay to not spread ourselves out too thinly when we feel like we've hit our max in the friend area? I mean too much, and I start being less effective and more flaky.

It's like what I had to learn when people ask me to commit to various obligations. I had to learn to prioritize and just say "no" to some things. So is it okay to do this with friendship? Sometimes I feel like I'm over stuffing myself. It's hard too because I love people and I really care about each individual.
ESTJ wifey couldn't keep up with my wide circle. She's helped me circle the wagons and prioritize some in that department. I love everybody but I'm just one 'me' and can't keep up with everyone all the time. Fortunately, I managed to dial down the frequency of my interactions while dialing up the quality the interactions. Some of those friendships are less intense than they used to be, but most my friends have stuck by me.
 

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i find that there is a natural limit set by- "time". there comes a point when i'm trying to be with too many people at once and the interactions start to feel more superficial, i find myself feeling like i'm being rude to each group by not spending enough time with them because i'm stretched out and the "feeling" of connection goes with some of the groups. this especially happens when i go to a new place and start out too quickly, i've found it's important to have one close group with which you spend at least half your time and effort.
the last thing i want to do is appear to be that person who has too many friends for their own good. there's a word for that- it's "friendwhore"..

i'm just trying to think how i set my limit and explain it, give me a sec..

i've noticed i value friendships differently to some types. for most types most commonly it's just a matter of time spent and good times had, and whilst that's true for me too, often i just "decide" that i see some people as friends and some as passing acquaintances.
aaaaaaaaaaannnnnd i just realised i could've answered this thread so much more easily from the start: simply yes- i do set a limit. basically i have a sort of imaginary capacity for friend-like relationships and once i feel like it's full, i start to see new acquaintances as friendly strangers instead of potential friends. often ill meet someone new when i'm at my limit who is awesome and ill be like "omg they would make an awesome friend" but i won't feel it because i have too many commitments already.

also sometimes i feel guilty because my "closest" friends can start to get insulted, and although i tend to think that's their problem, i don't want to ruin established friendships that way.

ooh! exception: if there is someone new i can bring into a group or i meet some people who fit in with one of my already existing friendship groups that's no problem.

btw for other types who are reading this and thinking "uhh.. stupid ENFPs talking about being popular", that's not how we see it at all. it's more of a NEED that we have to have met to make the effort to have wideranging friendships and therefore i think we can validate discussing it :)
 

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I do believe that Moby started a topic on this awhile back. I think it's quite alright to do. If too big of a social network is going to swamp us with demands for attention and legitimate stressors, then it's only fair for us to defend our well being. If we're going to play the role of inspirer for everyone, then our interactions can only be so half-assed, right? Maybe I'm just a quality-over-quantity kind of guy....
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I think it's really hard for a ENFP to say "no" to anyone in general
I can't help it. I find people so interesting!

I do believe that Moby started a topic on this awhile back. I think it's quite alright to do. If too big of a social network is going to swamp us with demands for attention and legitimate stressors, then it's only fair for us to defend our well being. If we're going to play the role of inspirer for everyone, then our interactions can only be so half-assed, right? Maybe I'm just a quality-over-quantity kind of guy....
Yeah, I remember the thread. But this time I was sort of wondering exactly what you guys say to people to create boundaries. It's harder when I'm not in a relationship. Because when I'm in a relationship usually I just say "Um, okay. I need to go be with my boyfriend now." Hahaha. But now I almost feel it is at the tip of my tongue to say "No, thank you. I don't want to be friends." Even if all they were doing is calling me here and there.

It would be so much easier if things were like they were in kindergarten. Kid on playground walks up to another kid and says "Do you want to be my friend?" And then the other kid can say either "okay" and then they play in the sandbox side by side. Or the second kid can say "No thanks, I'm playing with Tommy." Or even "No, I'm building sand caves." And that's it. I want things to go back to that. Nice and direct. No one really gets hurt.

i find that there is a natural limit set by- "time". there comes a point when i'm trying to be with too many people at once and the interactions start to feel more superficial, i find myself feeling like i'm being rude to each group by not spending enough time with them because i'm stretched out and the "feeling" of connection goes with some of the groups. this especially happens when i go to a new place and start out too quickly, i've found it's important to have one close group with which you spend at least half your time and effort.
the last thing i want to do is appear to be that person who has too many friends for their own good. there's a word for that- it's "friendwhore"..
Omg! I've been a friendwhore!!!!!!!!!! :crying:



i've noticed i value friendships differently to some types. for most types most commonly it's just a matter of time spent and good times had, and whilst that's true for me too, often i just "decide" that i see some people as friends and some as passing acquaintances.
aaaaaaaaaaannnnnd i just realised i could've answered this thread so much more easily from the start: simply yes- i do set a limit. basically i have a sort of imaginary capacity for friend-like relationships and once i feel like it's full, i start to see new acquaintances as friendly strangers instead of potential friends. often ill meet someone new when i'm at my limit who is awesome and ill be like "omg they would make an awesome friend" but i won't feel it because i have too many commitments already.

also sometimes i feel guilty because my "closest" friends can start to get insulted, and although i tend to think that's their problem, i don't want to ruin established friendships that way.
Wow, I can really relate to you. But I do notice we still don't say anything directly. It's like the ENFP "cold shoulder" which really isn't that cold. It's just a different quality than the serious deepness we have with a close few.


btw for other types who are reading this and thinking "uhh.. stupid ENFPs talking about being popular", that's not how we see it at all. it's more of a NEED that we have to have met to make the effort to have wideranging friendships and therefore i think we can validate discussing it :)
Whachu tawkin bout Willis? This had nothing to do with me or us being popular. This had to do with me being a Friendwhore!!!!!!! :laughing:
Are there any diseases that go with that? :unsure:
 

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I go through phases where I may not *actively* seek out a new friend, but if someone great shows up, I'm certainly not going to refuse the friendship because then I could miss out on great times and opportunites. Besides, you never know what will happen to your other friends. I never feel it's safe to say I have "too many". But there are times when it's just nice to appreciate the people you have and enjoy your time with them...or even have moments alone sometimes.
 

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lol sorry i didn't lay out "friendwhore" groundrules- what i meant by friendwhore is someone who just makes friends for the sake of making everybody their friend and ends up coming across as ingenuine

..oh wait :unsure:

the only difference being whether you feel and come across as genuine or not!
..dodged that bullet :proud:
well, maybe not all the time.

i find it simple, because it's usually me who's most proactive around new people so i just simply stop putting as much effort in, and any new person will understand the situation. so i guess maybe i don't have the same problem other ENFPs do?
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I go through phases where I may not *actively* seek out a new friend, but if someone great shows up, I'm certainly not going to refuse the friendship because then I could miss out on great times and opportunites. Besides, you never know what will happen to your other friends. I never feel it's safe to say I have "too many". But there are times when it's just nice to appreciate the people you have and enjoy your time with them...or even have moments alone sometimes.
Yes, Linnifae. I completely understand your post. Refusing a friendship can feel like I'm cutting off a potential. Every human contact has so much potential. And I want everyone to feel excepted and loved. If I could, I would divide myself into a million people.

But other times, I could sit up on a hill many, many miles away from civilization and all people and just ponder....

lol sorry i didn't lay out "friendwhore" groundrules- what i meant by friendwhore is someone who just makes friends for the sake of making everybody their friend and ends up coming across as ingenuine

..oh wait :unsure:

the only difference being whether you feel and come across as genuine or not!
..dodged that bullet :proud:

well, maybe not all the time.
Well as probably ALL of you know, it's not so much for my benefit. As I'm pretty overloaded. It's because I love the individual person.

Actually, maybe it is for my benefit in a very unique way. When I love others and pay attention to them and give them my time, I feel like I am loving myself.

Sometimes I wish everyone in the world thought like ENFPs. The world would be a lovely place.

Okay. I just derailed my own thread. See how hard it is for me to set limits? I'm a people whore too.

Where do you redirect the interesting people you meet when you are at your limit?
 
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i like this thread:happy: this kind of social dynamicsy psychologyish inwardreflecty topic is something i find very interesting.

i guess there isn't a particular answer to that. i don't feel i have the time and energy to fit them in so they become a "what if.." person. or i try to go over my "limit" and end up spreading myself too thin so that someone else starts fading away..

usually it's not a problem cos if someone's really that awesome i can just let someone who i'm not amazingly close to, and who has their own social circles to replace me with, drift away and let the new person take up more of my time. or like i said the person ends up meshing with one of my groups anyway.
 

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I do believe that Moby started a topic on this awhile back.
Cool you remember that, I was just about to mention that.

Yes, I absolutely have a friend limit. I don't have an exact number for you but I can say I've got two best friends. With them nothing is held back yet the typical ENFP "chameleon" nature is shed with those guys too. With those two I think my F.i is much more dominant then any of my other groups.

I've got about 10 good, close friends. About 50 true friends but more casual friends and a couple hundred acquaintances. My problem is it's those 50 friends that want more, they always clamor for more time with me, more coffees, more hangouts, more movies and more phone calls. I'm just not prepared or able to give it. I have my life and my personal, non-social interests and responsibilities too. Plus, I want to be committed to my friends and lend them a sympathetic ear but I can't don't that with 50 people, never.

Still they get frustrated at times but don't seem to remember I'm just one guy lol.
 
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