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I have been lurking here for a while, recently found out that I am INFP after taking the MBTI quiz (which I read in one of the posts is a classic indicator of being INFP)

Anyway, I was turned on to all of this by a guy I am "liking" he told me he is INTJ which after reading everything I could find on the internet about it, I would definitely agree with him.

We're both adults, very smart, both highly intelligent, but I'm wondering why everything I've read says we wouldn't "mesh" well together. I believe we really like each other. Its new, hopefully becoming serious. I want to move at a hares pace he of course is taking it at a snails pace, but we're both intensely engaged in making something happen.

Now I tried looking in the INTJ forum but to be honest the stuff going on in there scares me and I am half expecting them to virtually cut my head off before even answering my question. I'd love to get an INFP perspective on it because I feel like I'd understand it better from that point of view.

Of course I know you can't base a relationship off of everything you read and we have a lot in common we talk all the time, he's incredibly sexy and he believe it or not compliments me all the time (which is not a normal trait of an INTJ) but he is really dry, which is sometimes a little unsettling for me, he talks about himself constantly, not in a conceited way and either way i don't mind that he pours himself out to me while I listen and take it in, but we both hate conflict and seem to figure out a way around it. He actively takes my concerns into consideration and I actively try not to wane on his nerves with my constant emotional rants.

Just wondering if in your personal experience you ever heard of an INFP and INTJ really coming together and making it work? I'm wondering if I am letting what I've read put ideas in my head and essentially making me destroy something that could be great prematurely.

Thoughts?
 

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I think if you liked him before mbti you shouldn't let your percieved differences get in the way. besides the fact people behave differently en mass (get a group of infps together and we behave very differently, and the intjs likewise), people treat those they like romantically differently... really I think the only danger is psyching yourself out from the get go and setting up a weird situation. You already have a handle on how you need to adapt a bit for him, the only thing that amtters then is doing it and hoping he does the same for you.
 

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Maybe the fact that you want to move at different paces is a good indicator of struggles that you might have between your types?

With that said, don't let this discourage you from dating the guy; it is meant to be something to be mindful of while you do try to date him. There is nothing wrong with trying out being with someone and seeing how it goes. If it gets to a point where it isn't working for you, then you will have learned a little bit more about what you need out of a person and things to avoid in future boyfriends.

I hope things go well for you both :)
 

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My wife is an INTJ. We've been married 16 years now. She's a creative INTJ and not an analytical INTJ. I'm still not sure why I always see those two types distinctly, but most of my good friends are INTJs.

Here's the good:

INTJs tend to very focused and want to get good at things that are important to them. When personal development is one of those things, relationships flourish because they will question and re-examine their conclusions.

Here's the quirks and these you must learn to accept about them as in or it will never work:

1. INTJs tend to be inherently self-focus. To they own self, be true. This means that if you're dreams conflict with theirs, you are on your own because they are focused on theirs. It's one of those things my wife had to learn about being true to yourself: at a certain point, being true to yourself is inherently selfish and you have to want to make selflessness a part of who you are.

2. All INTJs I've met are very restless. We moved every 4 years when we were first married. You figure out the good side of that restlessness and focus on that. There's nothing you can do about it when the go into their restless phase. You ride it out and focus on your own stuff.

Those are the only 2 commonalities I've noticed. Everything else I've seen is mostly values based and not personality based.

I can tell you now that if you two avoid conflict, that will be the thing that breaks up your marriage during the 2nd cycle (1st cycle -getting to know them, 4-7 years, 2nd cycle - figuring out how you want to live your life as a couple, 4-7 years).

My wife and I had 8 fights in 14 years. That's very very bad. It means that we dealt with all the big stuff that came our way. But the little stuff, the stuff that more non-rational and subjectively bound tends to build up. That was our biggest challenge in our 16 years so far and it almost broke us up.

The reasons why I think my wife and I lasted so long is based on two very core beliefs in our relationship:

1. We don't believe that it's our job to make the other person happy. Happiness is internal. The best we can do is distract the other person from their unhappiness which isn't the same thing.

2. We both have individual goals and we have goals as a couple. We're pretty independent, but that's probably because we're both oldest children. My wife is learning to teach yoga after doing it for 15 years and she's trying to combine it with Integral development. I'm working on my book. Together, we started rock climb with our kids as a family. So if she's busy, I'm not waiting for her to pay attention to me. I have stuff to do too. That being said, we're both very aware when we become to focused on our projects and not on the relationship so we are very conscientious to keep it balanced.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
My wife is an INTJ. We've been married 16 years now. She's a creative INTJ and not an analytical INTJ. I'm still not sure why I always see those two types distinctly, but most of my good friends are INTJs.

Here's the good:

INTJs tend to very focused and want to get good at things that are important to them. When personal development is one of those things, relationships flourish because they will question and re-examine their conclusions.

Here's the quirks and these you must learn to accept about them as in or it will never work:

1. INTJs tend to be inherently self-focus. To they own self, be true. This means that if you're dreams conflict with theirs, you are on your own because they are focused on theirs. It's one of those things my wife had to learn about being true to yourself: at a certain point, being true to yourself is inherently selfish and you have to want to make selflessness a part of who you are.

2. All INTJs I've met are very restless. We moved every 4 years when we were first married. The plus side is we kept our properties and rented it out. There's nothing you can do about it when the go into their restless phase. You ride it out and focus on your own stuff.

Those are the only 2 commonalities I've noticed. Everything else I've seen is mostly values based and not personality based.

I can tell you now that if you two avoid conflict, that will be the thing that breaks up your marriage during the 2nd cycle (1st cycle -getting to know them, 4-7 years, 2nd cycle - figuring out how you want to live your life as a couple, 4-7 years).

My wife and I had 8 fights in 14 years. That's very very bad. It means that we dealt with all the big stuff that came our way. But the little stuff, the stuff that more non-rational and subjectively bound tends to build up. That was our biggest challenge in our 16 years so far and it almost broke us up.

The reasons why I think my wife and I lasted so long is based on two very core beliefs in our relationship:

1. We don't believe that it's our job to make the other person happy. Happiness is internal. The best we can do is distract the other person from their unhappiness which isn't the same thing.

2. We both have individual goals and we have goals as a couple. We're pretty independent, but that's probably because we're both oldest children. My wife is learning to teach yoga after doing it for 15 years and she's trying to combine it with Integral development. I'm working on my book. Together, we started rock climb with our kids as a family. So if she's busy, I'm not waiting for her to pay attention to me. I have stuff to do too. That being said, we're both very aware when we become to focused on our projects and not on the relationship so we are very conscientious to keep it balanced.
This is so incredibly helpful. I avoid conflict with him really because its so new and I don't want to seem like I am being to aggressive so early on. The only conflicting thing I can see so far is just his dry personality. I don't like where I can ask him something and he has no emotion in his answer which to me means he's just obliging me because he doesn't really care. I usually voice my concern and then he either figures it out or he doesn't but I don't press the issue, whereas if we were in a serious relationship and had a history we'd be talking about it until it was figured out. Not to pry in your personal life, but out of all of the relationships you've had has the relationship with you INTJ been to most work?
 

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Maybe the fact that you want to move at different paces is a good indicator of struggles that you might have between your types?
This I totally agree with. He and I met we began to talk and I immediately knew I wanted something more. Whether it was just sexual or the fact that he intrigued me. I'm pretty sure it was 50-50 both, but I know I didn't want to be just friends and I was ready for the hand holding and public displays of affection all on the first date. In his mind we took it so slow where he didn't even kiss me on the first date. Of course I thought there was something wrong which was confusing because the date had gone so incredibly well. But we spoke about it and that's when he brought up wanting to take it slow...

I'm trying to slow it down a little, but I do expect a little compromise and I imagine if the compromise doesn't happen then we most likely won't work, but right now its so new I can take it slow.
 

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One of my closest friends is an INTJ. One of the most important lessons I've learned with MBTI is that while those 4 letters can say a lot, in the end with the amazing diversity of humanity they would never describe someone that well. The thing is that your type only describes the eyes with which you see the world, not the world you are seeing or the way you react to what you have seen, metaphorically speaking.

MBTI counts to a point, but really the individual matters much much more. If you gel, then go for it!

I really like INTJs personally, so long as they aren't arrogant (it's a stereotype that they are, but the one I know is very selfless). They have a very logical way of looking at the world which compliments my emotional way of looking at the world and helps me to look at myself more logically, but at the same time still have that random spark that I find really attractive about a person.
 

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I don't like where I can ask him something and he has no emotion in his answer which to me means he's just obliging me because he doesn't really care.
He has no control over how you interpret his actions. He answers how he's always answered and has done it this way for the years and years before you met him. If you don't see him answering in a different tone when other people ask him things then you know that answering with no emotion is his default setting.

Trying to change people's default settings isn't a good. People want to be accepted for who they are.

Not to pry in your personal life, but out of all of the relationships you've had has the relationship with you INTJ been to most work?
My marriage has been pretty easy. We had less then 10 fights in the first 14 years.

I've only had two relationships that I considered serious. My first love which lasted a year and then I met my wife a year later, married her 18 months after that. The big relationships issues: money, sex, kids. If there's a serious conflict of values in those 3 things, it will mostly likely break up the relationship eventually. So we were always aware if we had problems come up in those 3 areas and to deal with them right away.

The tricky part with independent introverts in a relationships is that you have to be careful that the relationships doesn't turn you into roommates.

I would highly recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It's a natural assumption that they way we like to feel love is the way other people like to feel love so that's how we express it. It sounds like your top one is Words of Affirmation. It probably isn't his. So when he compliments you, you feel loved. If you compliment him, it doesn't mean as much or have the same impact.

The only way I've ever found out what someone's love language is, is by asking. It's one of those great conversation topics I have with our friends.
 

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I have been lurking here for a while, recently found out that I am INFP after taking the MBTI quiz (which I read in one of the posts is a classic indicator of being INFP)

Anyway, I was turned on to all of this by a guy I am "liking" he told me he is INTJ which after reading everything I could find on the internet about it, I would definitely agree with him.

We're both adults, very smart, both highly intelligent, but I'm wondering why everything I've read says we wouldn't "mesh" well together. I believe we really like each other. Its new, hopefully becoming serious. I want to move at a hares pace he of course is taking it at a snails pace, but we're both intensely engaged in making something happen.

Now I tried looking in the INTJ forum but to be honest the stuff going on in there scares me and I am half expecting them to virtually cut my head off before even answering my question. I'd love to get an INFP perspective on it because I feel like I'd understand it better from that point of view.
Well, I know you were soliciting INFP responses, but I'm an INTJ and I think I have input that would be valuable. Besides I won't bite. ;) Rumor on the streets (okay my wall), is that I'm the nicest INTJ on the boards. Thanks @amethyst_butterfly

From what I've read in the forums, ENFP is considered the most popular choice for INTJs but INFP is also a popular one for INTJs. On the forums, anyway, being N seems to be the key attribute, provided the person is healthy.

INFP and INTJ share many common functions, although they are found at many different levels. (Fi, Te)


The source of problems in an INTJ-INFP relationship tend to come from the INTJ blunt statements (taken personally by the INFP, even if not intended that way) and the INFP uploading of feelings and emotions (frustrating and boring the INTJ).

Of course I know you can't base a relationship off of everything you read and we have a lot in common we talk all the time, he's incredibly sexy and he believe it or not compliments me all the time (which is not a normal trait of an INTJ)
Just for the record, "sexy" IS an INTJ trait. It comes with the personality.

but he is really dry, which is sometimes a little unsettling for me,
INTJs are known for being hard to read. I think it comes from a deeply rooted Fi, which doesn't want to let out emotions/feelings when or until they can control them. Or we are not sure how to express them.

But I love dry humor. And for dry humor, it's even more fun when people can't read me.


he talks about himself constantly, not in a conceited way and either way i don't mind that he pours himself out to me while I listen
If I understand your point right, it is actually one of the things that keeps the relationship rolling, at least in the early stages. The INFP expresses interest in the INTJ or things the INTJ likes and INFP ask questions about that. The INTJ confidence allows them to talk strongly on these topics, keeping the conversation rolling.

and take it in, but we both hate conflict and seem to figure out a way around it.
This is one of the reasons that P tend to make a better relationship than Js do for us. Too much J can turn into too much of a debate.

Just wondering if in your personal experience you ever heard of an INFP and INTJ really coming together and making it work? I'm wondering if I am letting what I've read put ideas in my head and essentially making me destroy something that could be great prematurely.

Thoughts?
http://personalitycafe.com/intj-forum-scientists/10939-intj-infp-what-about-two.html

This thread only has 26 pages. The title:
INTJ/INFP- what is it about the two?
 

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I know one INTJ quite well and I can only tell you of my experience with him. We were high school sweethearts pretty much. Dated all through high school until senior year when he broke my heart and said, "I'm a SENIOR, I should be out living and experiencing other girls!" that kind of thing. So he went on his way being a big senior and I did my best to get over him. Once I finally got over him, big surprise, he wanted me back. I said no. Then out came the side of him I am so glad I saw. He turned into a huge ass to me. Constantly belittling me, guilt tripping me, making me feel horrible until I introduced him to an INFP friend of mine. They fell in love and got married and had two kids.

So that's the background story. Here's the problematic parts I see with my INTJ friend and his relationship with two INFP (me and his wife). She cheated on him not too long ago and the marriage almost broke apart. She wasn't getting what she needed from him. She needed constant affirmation, compliments, encouragement, that kind of thing. He was oblivious to this, he tells me. He has such a hard time talking about feelings without analyzing them and sometimes coming up with blunt or crude conclusions about people that he has no problem telling them. I have seen him make her cry and he had no clue why she was crying. he's not a bad person at all. He means well, he really does. But sometimes he has a hard time knowing when not to say something that will hurt someone when he wants to say it. Especially if it "proves" something. He loves figuring people out and telling them about it, nice or not nice. I have a hunch his wife heard too many unflattering ideas said about her to her face that made her feel totally unloved and unappreciated. But I know he loves and appreciates her! So that's the dilemma. She needs more outward love than he really knows how to give. But he is willing to work on it and she is also willing to work on her problems, so for the time being they are still together.

The things I liked about him when we were together many moons ago were things like his humor, his wit, his willingness to listen to you, his taste in music, his ability to explain things clearly, the fact that he thinks about things in depth, his curiosity and his ability to be good at pretty much any skill he tries to learn, especially if it involves intelligence and not just physical skills. He's also very philosophical and you can have long, interesting conversations with him about deep things. These are probably things his wife liked about him too. But he was a little too blatant and rude for me in the end. He didn't think about people's feelings at all. Not because he wanted to hurt them, but because he just didn't think like that....

Oh and if you get technical about it, he basically forced me to have sex with him. It wasn't totally against my will and it wasn't physical force, but he basically talked me agreeing to it when, in my heart, I didn't want to. So he can be persuasive when he uses his "rationality" to explain his emotions. Good at guilt tripping, for sure. i sort of resent him for that, but oh well. It was a long time ago...

So, that's just one example of one INTJ with two INFP's. There are so many other variations though, that each individual coupling is going to have different strengths and weaknesses. It could work with the right couple.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Just for the record, "sexy" IS an INTJ trait. It comes with the personality.


[/B]
I was saying I hear giving compliments are are hard for INTJs because they don't see the reasoning behind them?

He tells me that despite his personality type he is very affectionate. Which on the first date wasn't so, but on the following dates was very evident.

I think to much about this relationship, I sometimes wonder if I am boring him or annoying him because he genuinely seems like he doesn't care, but I know he does because we see each other everyday. Its confusing, but so intriguing all at the same time...
 

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On the contrary, the INTJ-INFP romantic match is a rather common one heard of around here, often with more successful results than many other matches (or at least according to these reports).

I echo that this person has not changed just because you know his type now. The dynamic between you is unique to you two, and it cannot be summed up with MBTI. MBTI cannot predict a happy or unhappy relationship because there's so much more involved than type (and as @IAmOrangeToday brought out eloquently, type is how you see the world, aka "mindset"; a significant part of you to be sure, but not the whole sum of you as an individual). Personally, I think emotional/mental health, stability, & maturity are more of a factor than type. Not to mention, MBTI aside, shared goals, values, lifestyles, beliefs, interests, etc, go very far in compatibility too.

I hope things work out for the best for you! :)
 

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My best friend is an INTJ!!!!
I don't know why, but I always get a long with them....It always takes a long time for me to open up to people, but on the rare occasions I've kicked it of with someone right away, I later find out the are INTJs!!!!!

I love them.....I have never felt more comfortable than I do around my INTJ friends =D
 

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Hm... I put up with my ex's lies for so long that I simply adore the straightforwardness and bluntness of INTJs. And the fact that I see most of them prove their affection with actions is so refreshing!

Dunno if it's going to work out, but I've been on a few dates with an INTJ. I remember on our first date he stared at me like deer in headlights when I called his so-called personality short-comings "adorable". He then proceeded to question me and it was like someone trying to dissect me (but in a good way!). :tongue:

But, yeah, you can't go basing someone just on their MBTI type. Everyone is different. Especially when it comes to how they treat romantic interests. And everyone has their own standards/conditions that the other person must have.

Edit: Oh! And I did make a post in the INTJ board. They have a sticky where you can specifically ask an INTJ about relationships. Direct, good advice. No one bit my head off. I say go ask there too.
 

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She wasn't getting what she needed from him. She needed constant affirmation, compliments, encouragement, that kind of thing. He was oblivious to this, he tells me.
Those are common INTJ traits. We are not good at giving praise. We are oriented to finding imperfections, which turns into areas for improvements. We tend to be confident and self aware of our abilities, so giving us a compliment is like telling us a fact. You: "2+2=4" My internal dialogue:
"Yeah, I know and what's your point." Then since I know people are trying to be nice to me, how do I show the proper respect to the person without being cliched. But the only things I can think of are cliched.

He has such a hard time talking about feelings without analyzing them and sometimes coming up with blunt or crude conclusions about people that he has no problem telling them. I have seen him make her cry and he had no clue why she was crying. he's not a bad person at all. He means well, he really does. But sometimes he has a hard time knowing when not to say something that will hurt someone when he wants to say it. Especially if it "proves" something.
The best "name/title" for INTJs IMO is "the Analyst." INTJs are Ni-Te Dominant. Feelings are deeply internal and hard to express. But our first love is to the truth. And we don't want to deny the truth to make someone feel better. Not saying we want to hurt someone but truth is important.

She needs more outward love than he really knows how to give. But he is willing to work on it and she is also willing to work on her problems, so for the time being they are still together.
INTJ is a stubborn personality type. Once our mind is set, we will do whatever it takes to fight for it.
 

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I was saying I hear giving compliments are are hard for INTJs because they don't see the reasoning behind them?
I was making a joke. ;) I added more comments about compliments in my post above this.

I think to much about this relationship, I sometimes wonder if I am boring him or annoying him because he genuinely seems like he doesn't care, but I know he does because we see each other everyday. Its confusing, but so intriguing all at the same time...
INTJs are not known for being extremely expressive. I'd say that he sees you everyday is probably a bigger indicator of his interest than his facial expression.
 

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As long as you ask questions in that specific thread they don't bite your head off, but if you make a new thread with a relationship question that has been asked before prepare to go to the guillotine.
Hm... I put up with my ex's lies for so long that I simply adore the straightforwardness and bluntness of INTJs. And the fact that I see most of them prove their affection with actions is so refreshing!

Dunno if it's going to work out, but I've been on a few dates with an INTJ. I remember on our first date he stared at me like deer in headlights when I called his so-called personality short-comings "adorable". He then proceeded to question me and it was like someone trying to dissect me (but in a good way!). :tongue:

But, yeah, you can't go basing someone just on their MBTI type. Everyone is different. Especially when it comes to how they treat romantic interests. And everyone has their own standards/conditions that the other person must have.

Edit: Oh! And I did make a post in the INTJ board. They have a sticky where you can specifically ask an INTJ about relationships. Direct, good advice. No one bit my head off. I say go ask there too.
 
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