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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'll try to list as much information as I feel is necessary, but I'm kind of disappointed in the situation I'm in for a few reasons, mostly because I feel like I made the wrong choice. There were a few red flags I didn't care about, and it's seemingly biting me right now.

To start, I am the the "new" roomie in this story as I recently moved out of my family home and into a room situation closer to work. The place I ended up picking was 1 of 4 places I was juggling between the closer it came to the move date. I knew it wasn't the most ideal, but I felt like the lister was very straight forward and easy to talk to without giving me the creeps (relatively speaking). The apartment was well laid out for my ideal level of privacy and it didn't seem like a total mess from first observation.

Red flags -
The post was listed by the roomie moving out and she made some good talk about how the person I'd be staying with is sweet and cool, all that is fine and as it turns out she is. But this girl does not have mannerisms that make me feel comfortable at all. (more on this later)

-I initially was not looking for someone in a relationship and would have people over often. Nor did these people mention it, and I overlooked to ask, even though I made it a topic of conversation with almost every other listing I checked before. Turns out the girl I'm staying with does have a boyfriend and he often stays every weekend supposedly (wtf!!!)...

-As I've come to find out, all of these people involved are not from the Country and have strict work and school provisions to be here. All fine and dandy, but this is something I was not told before hand and is something I don't want to deal with! The girl I'm staying with is from Hong Kong (not Asian!.?) and her BF is from Mexico... And the roomie moving out is from Spain.... So this is just a weird concoction of international living styles I was not ready for. This doesn't really bother me at all, it's just their living history is completely elusive to me and makes me a bit nervous.

-This is completely trivial, but the girl has a cat of unknown origins to me and seems to be a bit traumatized. It's missing its Tail and gets easily spooked.. Oddly enough we both have the same name...But he doesn't seemed to be abused by the girl. Although she does feed him cheap trash food (I'm a bit anal about feeding animals crap) and he doesn't get out much, if at all.

Other than this, things I've learned over the last week since I've been here is that, the girl is not very communicative about who she's bringing over nor does she feel the need to keep me up to date on who she brings over and if I have anyone over. This is just not how I was raised and it's kind of pissing me off that she doesn't know these basic household rules.

She's younger than me, finishing up college and working, so her day schedule is a bit of a cluster fck. Just the other night she brought some girl over (I'm assuming a work colleague) and didn't bother to let me know she was staying over. And as mentioned before, she didn't have the courtesy to mention she had a boyfriend that is over all the time before I moved in.

Now I'm trying to be reasonable and not throw a fkn curve ball into their living situation that they've had in motion well before I got here. But my problem stems from the fact that the other options I had lined up made it kind of clear that they lived a quiet lifestyle and did not have any S.O that would disturb us. Something that is pretty important to me as I just don't like extra people roaming around. I also just find it disrespectful that I'm the one paying rent here and she is just letting people stay here with out letting me know. If her boyfriend is going to be staying here like he lives here? What is he doing about rent or providing something to the table? The only reason I haven't thrown a fit yet is because he does seem like a nice guy and is working full time. I'm sure I would have told her he would have to go if he was some bum sticking around. But this is still something I wasn't told before me signing my name for this place.

On the last issue, these roomies just don't seem like they were living a very clean life before I got here. The first day I moved in I had to clean up relatively dirty bathrooms (guest and mine) and a refrigerator full of expired food. Now that I've already invested a fair amount of time cleaning this place up and getting it to an acceptable condition, I would rather stay, but I'm just not fully happy with this girl's living habits all that much. And to be fair, I think most of the cluttered mess was from the girl that left.

Am I being overly sensitive about this stuff or should I start putting my foot down before things continue in an unfavorable situation? I really don't want to make her life difficult as she seems like a very nice and hard working person, but this is not exactly what I signed up for.
 

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If you want to control that much your environment, you should have moved to a studio... I don't see any red flags there. Did you explicitly ask her to inform you when she invites her friends?

If it is always the same people that stay in the flat, you can have some friendly interactions with them and, after knowing them a bit more, you won't be annoyed when you see them. About the rent stuff... it is for your own room and you are legitimate to express your opinion about the common rooms, keeping in mind that you want to have an harmonious relationship with your flatmate (meaning that you have to negotiate wisely). A tip: aim for the minimal change that brings significant improvement and pay attention to your flatmate point of view.

About your question? Yes, you seem to be unreasonable. I think that you should improve your ability to adapt to new situations if you don't want to have more important issues in the future... and you have a great occasion to improve this ability in a smooth way since your flatmate is not a terrible one.
 

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Reality check.
People move out of home to escape their controlling parents and have freedom. Don’t be controlling.
People need contact time to make relationships work. Minimum weekends and 1 or 2 weekdays. Most people want a relationship, if they are with the one person and are not doing rabbit impersonations all night, every night, then that is reasonable. If that changes from dating behavior to living together behavior then yeah a chat needs to happen. As for friends coming over, they shouldn’t need to ask your permission unless the person is staying over/late. It is ok to expect some peace and quite a few nights a week too. Give and take is required on both sides.
As for cleaning habits, only clean when you have witnesses, or you wont get credit, plus reasonable people may lack motivation to clean, but will help clean if they see someone else do it. Cleaning rosters are an acceptable conversation to be having, but don’t get to pedantic about timing. People have lives that come before chores, as long as the chores eventually get done.
 

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, but this is not exactly what I signed up for.
Just a question, what do you need to do if something you got into is not what you signed up for?
What is the most reasonable thing for someone else to do, if they were in your position?



If you don’t like housemates, my solution was to plan out my next move out to another house. Look at my budget, bond and the price of rent elsewhere.

Do you really want to try to teach someone, get them angry and then be forced to leave? or would you rather, find better living arrangements with better more well mannered people? (Yes, they do exist)

You should advise them in a courteous and professional manner of what they are doing wrong when it comes to cleaning their own equipment, or better yet, tell a third person to inform them or text/SMS what you think to them. Make it less aggressive and more commonplace the way you tell them that you are not okay with x y or z behaviours.

If this still does not work, better finding new housemates, or a single bedroom apartment.

Bro, you have this under control. We all went through the exact same and worse, and all you need to do is be a bit more communicative and enforce a level of reason yourself, and you will see either good or bad results. If it’s good, then good, you can live with them, if not, then you know what to do.
 

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I sympathize! People have really different lifestyles and different assumptions about manners, housework, and so on. (Especially if they're from different cultures.) Even really nice people can be difficult roommates. And, as you say, the roommates' visitors cause some disruption and don't contribute anything to your life. I know what that's like.

I think it's a difficult situation and there isn't much you can do about it. They aren't going to give up their boyfriends or friends, or change their lifestyle for you. Learn from the experience, and next time make a list of what is and isn't acceptable to you. If you want a roommate with no S.O. or few visitors, put that on your list. Such people do exist. Or, think about getting your own place.

But, as has been pointed out to me, every place has problems. Even people who own nice houses have complaints. And for some things (like what people feed their cat) you just have to decide it's none of your business. If you decide to stay, would it be practical to spend most of your time in your room?

I have housemates and am facing similar dilemmas.

Good luck!
 

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I gotta say, the influx of friends, or the boyfriend staying over, without notice or consideration for your right to a peaceful home environment, does irk me a bit. I had a similar situation with my last roommate, they had some new friends, a couple, basically move into our apartment. I mostly just kept to myself in my room, but no one asked me if I would have a problem with strangers living there rent free, using the kitchen when I was hungry, or using the bathroom when I needed it.

I ended up moving out without notifying my roommates, I figured I'd treat them in kind. Overall, the couple that moved in was pleasant and tried not to over stay their welcome, but the lack of courtesy and consideration from my roommates is what really ground my gears.
 

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Hi MaysInfectious! To be honest, I think you're being a bit unreasonable with your expectations. There's always going to be something annoying when you live with roommates... I think it's pretty normal for people with boyfriends to have them over a few nights a week and I wouldn't ask them to pay rent or help out unless they were there every night and basically moved in. You pay rent for your room so I wouldn't get too much into your roommates business about getting her boyfriend to pay rent. Even in places where people don't have boyfriends there's nothing stopping them from getting into a relationship at some point that you'd have to deal with.

About the animal food, that's just not for you to decide. Maybe she can't afford quality pet food? About cleaning the mess, we all have different standards of cleanliness and there are some people who never wash their sheets or eat around expired things in the fridge etc. Gross, I know... but that's just life with roommates. In a perfect world they'd all pick up after themselves and let people know about company being over etc. but like someone else mentioned, some people just want to be away from any form of control.

I do think it's reasonable to ask if you can have a certain section of the fridge and then you just keep your area really clean. It's reasonable to ask about perhaps making a cleaning schedule / rotation with everyone. Hopefully things get better for you otherwise chalk it up to a lesson learned and maybe get your own place next time or only one other roommate if you can afford it.
 

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Learn how to live with other people or move in a place of your own. There are 0 red flags here (excluding the ones I get about you :) )
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Learn how to live with other people or move in a place of your own. There are 0 red flags here (excluding the ones I get about you :) )
Care to elaborate on how I'm showing red flags? Or are you just mindlessly talking schit... I spend an entire day cleaning up an unquestionably dirty house for everyone's benefit, yet I can't get common courtesy of someone just giving a forewarning on who is going to staying over for extended periods of time, or just saying "hey my bf is coming over this weekend". I have to babysit a cat that isn't mine because she's literally out all day? (not saying that's much of a chore, if at all).

I'm not asking them or even instructing anyone to ask Me for permission to do anything, I just want basic lines of communication considering we share this space. If I didn't let her know I wanted a few friends over and she brings a few friends over the same day, now we have a freaking house party. I'm not sure that's fair to anyone if it wasn't DISCUSSED/PLANNED before hand. So that's the dilemma I'm asking. It's not about being a control freak or telling anyone where they can spit and when. Just a line of communication. That's the first point. I get that we have a level of freedom away from parents, but that is not the only reason to move away. And matter of fact, it isn't her reason or most people's reason. Some people move away for school (like she did) or for work. And in some cases the living situations you may move into may even be more restricted on what you can and can not do.

I'm paying majority rent as of now and replaced the primary lease owner, so technically this is now my place more than it is hers.

Again, I'm definitely not trying to control anyone or anything, I just like having a clean and relatively orderly living situation. I definitely understand and appreciate you guys opinions.

Summer roads, I don't really agree with your viewpoint on just allowing someone to be dirty when it's not that hard to make a small effort to clean after yourself. I don't have a problem cleaning up at all so I wasn't making a complaint about not wanting to clean. I was just making a note that it's bad habit. She appreciated the fact that I cleaned so it goes back to fact that it was most likely the roommate I replaced and not her. So now I just want to re-establish some basic living habits so we don't drive each other crazy.i wasn't really given the opportunity to talk to her one on one before I moved in, so that's why all of this is kind of annoying to me right now. I don't want to mess up her way of life, and that's why I came to a place like this first to see how I can approach the situation without going full tilt Hitler. I don't think that is necessary in the least bit. I only signed up for one roommate! That's my point! Not a roommate and all their friends when they feel like staying here. So far she's already had 2 people stay overnight without letting me know. So yea, that was my biggest concern. I don't know how or when I should acknowledge this as a problem, because on one hand I do understand that's it's not fair for me to be a control freak, but on the other hand, I wasn't even told they had this lifestyle "layout" established. I had other options that made it clear, and it's my fault for not picking those options, not my current roommates fault.
 

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Hi MaysInfectious, just to clarify I think it's totally gross when people don't clean up and do their share. I said I think it's reasonable to ask to do a cleaning schedule and have your roommate on board with that. Unfortunately, I know how it goes with roommates and it's not going to be perfect, so if you can at least carve out your own shelf in the fridge that you can keep really clean then maybe that'll give you a little sanity till the cleaning schedule picks up.


I don't really agree with your viewpoint on just allowing someone to be dirty when it's not that hard to make a small effort to clean after yourself. I don't have a problem cleaning up at all so I wasn't making a complaint about not wanting to clean. I was just making a note that it's bad habit.
Man, you are preaching to the choir! I have little kids and an INTP husband who I will most likely spend a lifetime trying to get on board with just routine "small effort" cleaning. I also don't see the big deal in people picking up after themselves and think it's the right thing to do when you share a space with someone... I just know what it's like with some roommates or people who just don't care about it and the effort it might take on your part to have that continuous battle. Good luck with everything and hopefully you can start a cleaning schedule or get her on board with letting you know when guests are over. Maybe you can arrange something where she doesn't have to tell you when her boyfriend is over (since he's kind of there so much), but maybe just let you know when other guests are. Believe me, I'm in your camp on thinking people should have common decency to let others in their space know, but I've also learned that many people don't beat by that drum and to get along in a roommate situation you have to see just how many waves you want to cause. It wouldn't be good to move into a new place and give off the control freak vibes plus now you're the main leaser and have the power (not saying you would do that) just the way you've written it all here comes across kind of pushy. Again, vent away in a forum (totally!) but I think you know in real life that will backfire. Good luck to you!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I see your point now, I was focusing in on the point about just making a space for myself and let them do what they want.

And to agree with you, yes, here in these post I am sounding a bit controlling, but this not how I am in reality, I'm trying to put into words my observations that I've been making over the past week. I really haven't said much of anything to her whatsoever. I've tried to be open on what I'd like to do, going as far to actually ask her for permission on bringing people over and letting her be aware of what I'm doing that may impact her.

So yes, maybe my mentality is a bit to controlling, and this is no doubt simply a reflection of my strict upbringing which I've come to respect and appreciate. I was raised in a paramilitary fashion where order and respect is paramount. People who live like disorganized children do annoy me, but i also do refrain myself substantially in the real world of acting like a drill sergeant and letting things flow freely. So right now I'm exercising the upmost in patience and respect for her. But as I mentioned there are things I would like to correct before they become a problem, and I'm just not good at having that discussion.
 

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I hear you. You and me both! I can totally relate. I notice all the little things too but I've just had to learn to let some of it go because I can't hold everyone to my standards. I really do wish you luck with it all!
 

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@MaysInfectious, Because of the negative comments directed toward you, I reread your original post several times to make sure I understand. I'd like to say that to me, you don't sound unreasonable at all.

I've had roommates before, and I was also a cleaner in a hostel. People do incredible things!

Currently I live in an area where it's almost impossible to find a rental, and my boyfriend and I are in a house with two people who are related to each other, who we were already friendly with. Originally we were supposed to all share the kitchen and so on, but by about the second day it became clear to me that this wouldn't work. It's a large house, and I've set things up (small fridge, microwave, etc.) so that we hardly have to go upstairs at all. The upstairs people do come downstairs to use the washing machine, and on two occasions they had guests who stayed in the downstairs guest room (for about a week each).

The upstairs people used to come down and check out the items I had on shelves, and ask if they could "borrow" them (they never gave them back). They'd even grab things off the shelves to have a better look and see if it was something they could use. I dealt with this by moving all the shelves with my stuff into my room.

The large downstairs living room was designated for my exercises, but the housemates and their guests would sit on or play with my equipment on their way to the washing machine or the guest room, so I had to move all that into my room as well. At least they have the decency not to go in my room.

Now they're moving out. For some reason (long story that I don't even understand myself), the landlady gets to decide who will move in upstairs. I told the landlady I have a real problem with dogs and I hoped she wouldn't rent to anyone with a dog. She is a really nice person and said she'd consider this, but in the end she decided to rent to someone with a dog. This will make my life hell, and I will be spending more time in my room than ever. I might even move out.

When I moved in, I expected that we would have weekly or monthly house meetings, but it never happened. In retrospect, I realize I should have suggested it myself. This is something you should consider. That way you're setting aside a specific time to talk about and resolve problems, instead of not talking about problems or talking about them at the wrong time or in the wrong way. With a meeting, it's not personal, it's just business.

Since your roommate seems to be pretty busy, perhaps you could have a combination cleaning day/house meeting. For example, on Monday nights or Saturday mornings, the two of you can clean together for an hour or two and discuss whatever house issues are on your minds.

Say that now that you've settled in and are more familiar with how things work, you feel that house meetings and/or cleaning days would be a good idea. If she balks, pull rank and point out that your name is on the lease, you have a responsibility to the landlord, etc. You can be nice about it while remaining firm. Or ask her if she has a better idea.

I think having old stuff in the fridge is a health hazard. Some people like to keep rotting vegetables and other things forever, because throwing them out would be "wasteful." Personally I would buy a separate fridge. Shared-fridge policies are difficult to enforce.

If both bathrooms are gross, can you arrange to have one bathroom for you and one for the roommate? Even if there is only one shower/bath that you have to share, you can still have a clean toilet and sink to yourself.

Discuss boundaries about guests. If you want to be informed, let her know. After all, you are responsible if a guest does any damage or gets injured or whatever. If they cause problems for you, address those problems. Maybe your roommate needs to clean up all dinner debris immediately if she has dinner guests. Or maybe she needs to entertain them in her room. I don't know what would be reasonable in your situation. Figure it out and discuss it with her (and of course be open to her suggestions, objections, etc.).

About the cat and cat sitting: My boyfriend has a cat and has chosen not to have it neutered. I disagree with this, and I love the cat, but I have to stay out of it. And he puts the cat in my room so he can come and go without the cat escaping. I told him if he can figure out how to make the cat stay in my room, he can figure out how to make it stay in the house.

My boyfriend also has chickens in the yard. I'm not interested in such things. He's often away from home, while I usually stay home. A couple of times he has asked me to close the chicken coop at dusk because a predator already killed three chickens. I told him I can't do this for him; if he wants chickens he has to come home at dusk every day and take care of it. Not my problem!

In your post you mentioned so many people, I didn't realize you only have ONE roommate. I hope it won't be too difficult to decide what your own priorities are, and work out a few compromises with one person. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thanks for sharing your viewpoint, it definitely seems your situation is much more convoluted than mine and as such I may be inflating my displeasure over rooming dilemmas more than necessary. Overall there isn't a whole lot to complain about other than the communication issues as of now.

I pretty much have everything cleaned up to a respectable condition, it was just the point that it was much worse than I expected and I wasn't pre-warned about significant others being around. So far a lot of my discomfort has diminished in the last couple of days, and as someone mentioned it will just take a few more weeks for things to fall into place.
 

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Did you ever ask your roommate to notify you if she is planning to bring people over?

I don't think it's an unreasonable request, but if you've never requested it, I don't think it's bad that she never took the initiative to inform you. I don't think it's all that common for people to notify their roommate(s) every time they plan on bringing someone over, it kinda depends on the people and the living situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Did you ever ask your roommate to notify you if she is planning to bring people over?

I don't think it's an unreasonable request, but if you've never requested it, I don't think it's bad that she never took the initiative to inform you. I don't think it's all that common for people to notify their roommate(s) every time they plan on bringing someone over, it kinda depends on the people and the living situation.
I did, but it's one of those things that should be instilled in your habits from your upbringing, some people don't learn those rules and simply don't have that thought process. She is clearly one of those types of people. No point in beating that horse if she doesn't see the problem. I made small talk over text about S.O's being over the house and me letting her know if I have friends/family over and if she'd do that same.

None the less, the issues stems from even the first encounter. The first day I came to move in, unknowingly her guy friend was just there and stayed over all weekend. She could have at least told me before hand "hey my friend is over this weekend...yaadda yadda blah" and I wouldn't have had a problem with it, and typical don't have a problem with people being over. The key fact is simply HAVING A HEADS UP, an simple forewarning. It saves headaches and confusion down the road. I rather not run into some random person walking around the house and not knowing who they are or why they are here. And that is the biggest issue, I don't expect her to keep up the warning system well into our stay together, but at least for the first couple of weeks It should be a habit so that I can a learn the process and know who some of these people are, so when I see them in the future, I don't have to guess and get inquisitive. Last time I checked, I didn't sign up to live in a homeless shelter when people just come and go as they please. Basic household rules (IMO) goes that people should know who is in their house.

At any rate, things have gotten much smoother, so I think all is settled as of now. In hindsight I think she just wanted a guy there incase I turned out to be a lunatic (not that it mattered, I could have easily killed them both lmao (I would never!)), which I found admirable on her part if that is the real reason he was over, but I doubt that was the case, because he seems to have a few bit of items laying around giving me the impression that he's been over several times in the past and this is normal routine.
 

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To a certain extent I understand where you're coming from. I would not be comfortable with people staying over on a regular basis, and the like. But I know that's me. Even if you moved into a place where your roommate did not have an SO staying over at that time, these things can change. It's part of living with a roommate, they are going to have a life that may not match yours in many ways.

Reasonable roommate rules to me are: Clean up after yourself, Don't be super loud when I'm trying to sleep, Don't eat my food, or borrow my stuff without asking(and don't ask all the time). Wear clothes while moving through the common area(This would depend on your roommate, I assume), and don't tell me how to live my life.


I did, but it's one of those things that should be instilled in your habits from your upbringing, some people don't learn those rules and simply don't have that thought process. She is clearly one of those types of people.
Sorry, I just don't get this. Maybe it's me, but growing up and all through my younger days it was not uncommon to just stop by some place. And if it was known, my brother, sisters, roommates, or I would ever feel the need to tell the other person somebody is stopping by. Never even thought this was a thing.

My 2 cents.
 

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Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
To a certain extent I understand where you're coming from. I would not be comfortable with people staying over on a regular basis, and the like. But I know that's me. Even if you moved into a place where your roommate did not have an SO staying over at that time, these things can change. It's part of living with a roommate, they are going to have a life that may not match yours in many ways.

Reasonable roommate rules to me are: Clean up after yourself, Don't be super loud when I'm trying to sleep, Don't eat my food, or borrow my stuff without asking(and don't ask all the time). Wear clothes while moving through the common area(This would depend on your roommate, I assume), and don't tell me how to live my life.




Sorry, I just don't get this. Maybe it's me, but growing up and all through my younger days it was not uncommon to just stop by some place. And if it was known, my brother, sisters, roommates, or I would ever feel the need to tell the other person somebody is stopping by. Never even thought this was a thing.

My 2 cents.
You don't get it because you are one of those type of people I'm referring to. It's not a situation of negative or positive attributes. I had plenty of friends who just invited people over without telling their parents. Some of those parents allowed it and some didn't like that. In my case, my parents raised me to always plan get-togethers and run it by them first. Overtime when they felt comfortable with a certain group of individuals, they wouldn't get anal if that person was over without prior warning.

And that is my point. I'm not trying to act as her parent, but those fundamental rules work the same way with housemates and so on. I thought I made that pretty clear. } sorry if I didn't.

Other than that, I agree with your above rules, and most of which has gone by extremely well so far. I don't tell her what to do, and she hasn't nagged me about anything. Mostly because I've kept to myself and have been super obsessive about cleanliness.
 
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