Hello. I created a thread in the "whats my personality type" forum and figured that the info in there might just meet the requirements for this subtopic. In terms of finding my enneagram type. So, Type me:
Let me start by saying that whatever it is i am about to type will not be directly link to any paraphrase or quotes from the descriptions of other mbti,socionics and enneagram types. I do not wish to be typed based on mere stereotypes (feeling others feelings =Fe, Good with tools = ISTP), i wish to get to the truth of it, which I would eventually, subjectively recognize. Unfortunately, I need some leads and consistency in results to determine the possible type(s) I could be. There is no self-doubt, just a mild lack of clarity; and I figured there would be no better place to get it than from a community that seeks to clarify personality theories. I do however recognize that all these personalities are just consistencies noticed and classified accordingly on a wide basis.
I should state however that my emotional and psychological health isnt as.. well as It should be. I will not let that get in the way. At some points I may seem Schizoid and a tad bit paranoid, but I assure you, those are projections and/or personal habits.
I have been reading a lot on Nietzsche recently. I think his works has really helpped pull me up from the depths of nihilism and existential depression. Amor Fati is a beautiful concept and has now become my goal. To reach such a state. To transcend all physical and human attributes to improve.
I do not value knowlege by itself. I value the potential application of it. My personal interpretation of it and basically, using it to understand, myself, my surroundings and the universe. I do not just learn for the fun of it, I do enjoy the process, but I tend to have a master plan in which I would be applying most of what I would learn, to turn my thoughts into reality. The only problem I have had is time, expectation and truth. I generally dont take a long time to reach a conclusion about something, but before I do so, I learn as much as I can about it, and I do not rely on people's views to reach the conclusion. I will look through them, process them, if there are consistencies, find out why, and then move on to the next step.
I may seem like a logical person, but to be honest, a few hours ago, I got into an argument over an umbrella. No excuses, I dont see a reason to justify my resistance to use one other than it being seen as a "burden,"
I tend to have a lot of arguments like these with my father. We can get along well, generally we are similar, just not congruent. His focus are on the details, the small practical things, religion and principles like obeying authorative figures.
I just do not value that. I believe in being independent. An individualist. To think for myself regardless of what others may say, and the big picture, how everything is seemingly connected, meaningful, yet insignificant, really seem to be my focus. I am rather impractical. My father is good with systems, external systems, engineering stuff. He's always trying to understand how it works. As for me, if it works, im glad to move on. Id rather figure out how the universe, time, cosmic entities and thought come about than just physical systems. In that sense I may seem to lean more to the side of human nature than mechanical systems, but the process we use to understand it, i believe, is the same.
I do at times like to challenge other people in terms of their believes but I do not primarily concern myself with their thoughts.
Now, the tough part.
I do have feelings. I would say I feel things quite weirdly though. If I were sitting down with someone and they were to tell me about their situation, i would listen, but I find it hard to empathize completely. I wont really be opening myself up to their experience, i would instead be looking for solutions. Studying their situation form multiple perspectives and then would come up with a solution. Now whether they use them or not, is of no concern to me, but if they come back to me with the same problem, I would just repeat myself and move on. I do care about them, but not enough to want to go through it step by step with them. I believe they should settle their problems themselves. Its something I do to.
I tend to treat people based of how I wish to be treated. I want to be self sufficient, knowlegeable and dont wish to be intruded on. So i use my knowlege and insight to help others to a certain extent, and give them a lot of space hoping they, in return would do the same. However thats hardly the case and I give them the doorslam mostly. I just disappear. Emotionally and sometimes physically.
I have been labled self-centered, selfish, insensitive. Mystical, knowlegable, thoughtful, caring. Notice the extremes there. I believe its natural for us to be labeled to extremes, i just think its different for each person in terms of intensity and approach.
My selfishness is brough about by fear. Fear of not knowing, of being overwhelmed, of feeling empty. I acknowlege that deep down there is this emptiness, this uncertainty in terms of my identity, but that isnt Something of primary importance. I deal with it by basing my self worth and confidence on my ideas. Which is why I would say I am a sensitive individual. Rather moody. It is easy to just push aside and delay experiencing my feelings, but when my ideas get trashed by others, i get aggressive. I get angry, I get emotional. I would normally react by verbally and emotionally insulting them in a moderate manner, then procede to leave the area. Reach home and sit in my room for a while, just analyzing my feelings a bit, until they overpower me.
Then I'm a mess, its a really dry.. emotional experience. The amount of emptiness, i feel would be channeled through a 'situation' made up in my mind, allowing me to view it all from a third person perspective. It is beautiful, i'll admit, there is something really beautiful about the depth of emotion one can feel, but I know I cannot, express it. Physically, I cannot. I lack the means to understand it and live in it. I can only send it into the void, hoping it would cover up that hole for a while. It would eventually unconsciously drive me to read up more, to learn more. To fill myself up with more information, more knowlege, entertain more thoughts, examine more theories and I only realize my drive way ahead like months later when I question the purpose of learning such things. I would say my emotions are beyond my comfort zone. I see it like that, a castle cold as ice, just for me to live in, one that longs for another to be reflected upon its walls and to leave its scent there with me, surrounded by a wall of emotion so that if my emotions backfire, even if the castle is affected, i will still have a place in it that would remain dry, and if it doesnt backfire, then at least I'll have some protection.
In terms of relationships, I do long for one. Well, more of a life partner, just one person I can trust and open up to completely. However, that too isnt a priority, so I do not place much value on going out and socializing with the opposite gender much. I only socialize because I see it as a tool. However in terms of interactions I do try to look for a relationship that would work, though it seems like the kind of person I'm searching for doesnt exist, and due to my high expectations, i jump from person to person till I eventually make use of my holidays to occupy myself with my projects.
I value my privacy highly, refusing to come out of my room or sharing my work before its completed. I argue a lot when it comes to chores as I dont see the point in doing them, and by doing so, ill be losing time and energy.
When in a rut I get really irritable and angry. Impulsive even, destroying my creations, fearful of my surroundings, paranoid about being controlled by my enviroment, depressed, suicidal, youknowhowitgoes, engage in covert risky behaviours, withdraw into my mind a lot, emotionally unstable and engage in anythat that stimulates me physically and mentally. Anything that makes me feel good.
I do have a compulsion to help those who need it, but I rarely initiate contact. I am quite the alien. In that sense there is this superiority complex I'm dealing with.
Generally I choose to rely more on meaning and data than feelings. I have more to say but i shall stop here for now. I noticed the pace quickened and that would mean Im unconsciously uncomfortable with this.
Do respond. I would appreciate it.