Personality Cafe banner
1 - 2 of 2 Posts

23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I took @HallowedHydraNess's suggestion and ended up reading B Chestnut's The Complete Enneagram. I was mainly reading the 6 and 9 chapters, as those are the types I am considering.

I relate to the directly observable actions that she attributes to type 9:
[...]Nines habitually avoid contact with their anger because they focus so much on staying comfortable, and anger can easily bring them into conflict with others. So, even though Nines are anger types, they may not have regular contact with their anger, and it tends to leak out in various forms of passive-aggressive behaviors.
Nines often report that they grew up in a family in which their opinions weren’t heard, in which others were more forceful in expressing their opinions, or where the best strategy to feeling calm and avoiding upset was to go along with what others wanted.
When questioning a Nine about something as everyday as “What do you want for dinner?” a typical reply is, “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I don’t matter. It’s easier that way. What I think and feel isn’t that important. And that’s okay. Other people just feel more strongly about things than I do. I don’t know what I want, and it’s not that important anyway.
Knowing what I want and asserting my desires in the world of others takes too much work and will alienate people I need or want to stay connected to. It’s easier to go along with what other people want than go to the trouble of asserting what I want.
I do focus on staying comfortable. No doubt. However, I do find myself in regular contact with my anger and frustration at always being the one who has to bend. I am very aware of my passive-aggressiveness in this as well.

I can be incredibly hateful and cut someone out of my life for ignoring me enough, though often times, they don't even notice the negativity toward them. Honestly, they could disappear off the face of the earth and I would not notice... which, IMO, is aggressive in and of itself.

In order to feel this way... I imagine I DO know what I want. I am just so reluctant to fight for it, because yes, it seems everyone else does have stronger feelings and preferences than I do. It isn't really about my fear of alienation, as my life will go on regardless if these people are in it or not... just my fear of using energy. Forcefulness is... tough. I prefer to be airy and difficult to pin down than solid and immovable, and yet I hate people who are so forceful and opinionated that they make me feel I have to be this way.

Of course, she mentions later the SP Nine can sometimes have an edge to them, and I do know I am heavily SP so perhaps all that is compatible.

Meanwhile, some of the 6 tendencies are too intense for me. In the sense that I resent those who are stronger, more influential and aggressive than I, you could say that is my way of viewing "authority". However, it doesn't necessarily mean someone with any actual authority - it could be someone who, for example, is actually lower on the "totem pole" than I am. Also this whole... mistrust issue. I instinctually know who to trust and not, without actually knowing how I came to this conclusion... and I am almost always right in the end. So why would I THINK about it?

However, I know few people who can outdo my imaginings of worst-case scenarios and indecisiveness with major decisions. Still... the splitting, the projection, collecting data... all of it sounds so incredibly foreign. Though, I admit, if I do not like something someone said (usually them being aggressive/rude), I may project aggression on their end to mean they have something against me... but usually I just handwave it as them being an ass and seethe internally at their rudeness.

Of course, her story about Linda the SP 6 sounds so much like me... though I admit more due to anger than what I would describe as "fear" necessarily, but... not certain. Muddy.

I live in a small community governed by a homeowners’ association. Initially, I was comforted that we could come together as a group to create guidelines and rules that I assumed would make for less conflict between neighbors and more security. I made it a point to meet and establish a comfortable relationship with each of them. I volunteered to be on the board, and even offered to lend my professional expertise to work with the entire group on our community values and vision. Over time, though, I saw that compliance to the governing principles was lax and enforcement was selective or nonexistent. Four years ago a situation arose in which my rights were being violated by a neighbor, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, the board sided with the neighbor. In one fatal stroke my carefully nurtured allies became dangerous enemies, rendering me defenseless defenseless because of my fear of invoking further attack should I try to defend myself or my interests. My shock and anger at their betrayal quickly devolved into a sense of guilt, shame, and anxiety so profound that I could no longer attend homeowner meetings, speak with my neighbors, or even walk around the block because of my fear of being “attacked.” I became obsessed with phantom conversations in my mind, composing just the right speech that would win them back or what I would say or do to these people for revenge, if only I had the courage to do so. On the outside, I try to act friendly, but on the inside I feel fearful and contemptuous. This dissonance is exhausting. All I want to do now is sell the house and escape from this place and these people.
I would have f**king lost my shit. I'd be selling my house and GTFO too. Maybe not fear, necessarily, but the just strong feelings of hate toward them all. I am unlikely to feel guilt and shame. I'd probably still act pseudo-friendly, though.

In the end, it seems 9 is a better fit but I do worry if my sense of self is too strong for such. Thoughts?

If it matters at all, I type as INFP and feel fairly confident in that, though this is based only on a very quick run through of functions (I am absolutely Fi>Fe).

2,381 Posts
Yes I do think 9 is a better fit for you. I would entertain 9w8 rather than 9w1, but I'll let you decide the fix.

The reason I settled for 9 for you is mainly from personal experience and the sense I get. I dated a very stereotypical INFP 9 and got to know her very well. I see so much of her in you. I think the intensity that you might feel within yourself is held internally -- I would imagine others do not necessarily see the depth of your emotions.

You may have a strong sense for self but I think if the environment changes, your sense for yourself changes as well. A 6 has a more heady fear and are less action oriented. The way you described completely cutting people you dislike from your life on your own accord is very 9. A 6 would have a lot of hesitation and struggle with this. You seem to have more of a after-the-fact guilt which is the 9 fear of separation I believe.

Any questions?
1 - 2 of 2 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.