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Discussion Starter #1
There is not a single person I know that I would grief over one second if he/she dropped dead right now.
If anyone would die, the first and only thing I can think of is the effect it would have on my own life, and in most cases that is no effect at all.
A normal thing for an INTJ ? Or is there more ? I somehow feel horrible for feeling like this.
 

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grief over deaths

wow. Do you have any close family members, gf, or children? Or how about friends , coworkers, and other acquaintances?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I live with my mom and step dad together with my brother and youngest sister in one house.
No I do not have a gf.
Yes I have friends, actually just one, and I have no desire for more friends.
I'm only 20y old, so no children or coworkers, I'm just a student at university.
 

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granted that you don't know until it actually happens, but i accept death as a part of life. that's why it's kind of hard to feel bad about it, because you know it's meant to happen anyway.
then again, im am fortunate that no one close to me has died. it's kind of hard for me to cry also, im pretty emotionally dead to a lot of things and find empathy somewhat difficult to FEEL[ i usually have to *reason out* why they are feeling bad first. the few times i did feel empathy, it was a surprising experience.]
but if they died, id probably be in denial at first, get angry, then get dead[emotionally] and id set out to complete whatever goals they could not do in their lifetime[ie if they ran a charity, organization, or wrote a book, etc].
no, i am not a sociopath.
 
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There are very few people who's deaths would cause me grief.

I never shed a tear when my grandmother died. And I loved her dearly.
 

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As INTJs it takes a lot of time/long time for us to become very emotionally attached to another person. While I might be slightly saddened by a number of people's deaths, there is only one person who I will weep if she were to die, and that is only because of the very close bond we have. Also, I will cry the day my cat goes. We're tight.

Seriously though, I think the lack of actual tears just implies the lack of strong bond or a type of emotional dependency (not sure dependency is even the word I'm looking for)...

As INTJs we appear not to have feelings, but we do. It just takes an awful lot to really stir them up enough to make them visible to others. You may also find that though you would not cry at their funerals, you will think back often about them and have a sad longing inside after they're gone. And if there wasn't a connection there for you, you just won't. With INTJs, I think that ends up being most people...
 

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I have attempted to allude to this with my other threads about INTJs and emotionlessness. I thought nothing of it when my grandfather died when I was about ten; other people with whom I was acquainted have died, and again, nothing.
Indeed, there are only a few people whose deaths would affect me; the greatest of which is He Whom I Have Previously Referred To As The "Apple Of My Eye" (any guesses?).
 

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Indeed, there are only a few people whose deaths would affect me; the greatest of which is He Whom I Have Previously Referred To As The "Apple Of My Eye" (any guesses?).
Your nephew ;) (thanks built-in-google-search)
 

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Sorry if this is kind of a personal INTJ thing that I'm trespassing upon.

But a lot of close people in my life have told me, "I know you love me in your own way but sometimes I feel like you wouldn't shed a tear for me if I died." And I know that I'm supposed to put on a somber apologetic look and say, "No, lord no that's not true." But for some reason I just can't say that, and people feel betrayed but I feel like it's my votive not to lie to them even though I almost feel like I'm doing so out of a semi-malicious place. Do you guys ever worry you're bad people? I know I do. I mean I've gotten good at reproducing facsimiles of emotions over the years but I can honestly say I'd probably only cry over the loss of a current lover.

Moreover, if someone is grieving I feel so absolutely awkward trying to console them and I usually wind up awkwardly putting a hand on there back and saying, "I know.. That's how you should feel," which I don't know why I always say that because I doubt it every time I do say it.
 

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"As INTJs we appear not to have feelings, but we do. It just takes an awful lot to really stir them up enough to make them visible to others. You may also find that though you would not cry at their funerals, you will think back often about them and have a sad longing inside after they're gone. And if there wasn't a connection there for you, you just won't. With INTJs, I think that ends up being most people..."

Qft.

"Do you guys ever worry you're bad people? I know I do. I mean I've gotten good at reproducing facsimiles of emotions over the years...."

All the time.
 

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"As INTJs we appear not to have feelings, but we do. It just takes an awful lot to really stir them up enough to make them visible to others. You may also find that though you would not cry at their funerals, you will think back often about them and have a sad longing inside after they're gone. And if there wasn't a connection there for you, you just won't. With INTJs, I think that ends up being most people..."

Qft.

"Do you guys ever worry you're bad people? I know I do. I mean I've gotten good at reproducing facsimiles of emotions over the years...."

All the time.
basically what you said. i personally have gotten desensitized to a lot of stuff, like sure i feel bad and everything but it's because i THINK it's bad and should be feeling so, if that makes any sense.
and yes, i have often wondered whether i am a 'bad' person- i don't really believe in morals, i feel somewhat unaffected by many issues, etc..i once worried that i really was a bad person, and later on i found out that's the symptom of an unhealthy 5.
ive learned to fake emotions when necessary as well. i absolutely hate to, but id rather do that than freak people out. i mean like honestly, just because i don't express how i feel doesn't mean the emotions aren't there.
 

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I qualify as a sensitive INTJ. That means I've actually practiced feeling other people's emotions, so I have an understanding of empathy and, therefor, can share the emotions of others from their perspective when I apply it to my own life and my own feelings were I to be experiencing an event as if through another person's perception.

Cases in point are when my mother's father died an accidental death during a recreational outing which he took alone and was found drowned and frozen to death by one of his sons-in-law. I was angry at all of the young and old family members who were crying and retelling happy memories to the point that I had to leave rooms more than once to get away from how their emotions were so contrary to mine. I was pissed off that this man had hurt my mother through verbal abuse, which had made her a very defensive wife and mother, but he hadn't shown the courtesy of apologizing to her, instead he went and stupidly got himself killed thinking to have some fun by himself. I cried for my mother, then.

When, 12 years later, my father's mother died unexpectedly in the hospital, just before she was to undergo some kind of heart bypass surgery, I was in a great amount of shock along with the rest of our family. I kept watching my INTJ father to see how stoic he could manage to be, as I knew he wasn't made of stone. I kept thinking only of myself, of how I missed my long distance boyfriend who was deployed overseas. I finally realized, why am I being so selfish? What am I trying to not feel? My own father must be very sad, right now, but he is being strong- for everyone else? No, for himself. That isn't the way it must be, though. He needs to cry. I looked up at him from my seat in the church, listening to his voice, and I realized, this man just lost his mother. She is dead. He can never call her to wish her happy birthday again and hear her voice, or drive all the way to where she lives to hug her, again, nor can we go for walks together by the river side. She will never cook beans for dinner, again, or tell me I can have as many sodas as I want now that I'm an adult, or laugh with us when we play cards together. We'll never hear her say Grandpa's name again when she needs help with something in the garden...

My father just lost his mother. My grandfather just lost his spouse. What if I had just lost mine?

I looked around the church again at all my cousins who had been crying intermittently, realizing they had spent more time with my grandmother, after school and at Sunday dinners. I "felt" all these people in the building who had just lost someone very dear to them. Unlike my mother's father's funeral, I truly felt a loss of a positive magnitude. I felt no animosity toward my father's mother. I wished she had never left. I wished so much that I could hug my father to comfort him as I listened to him speaking, and I began bawling into my sister's shoulder, finally able to cry, and only because of the pathway that empathy allowed me to travel when I was brave enough to contemplate it for myself.


Emotions connect us to each other. I would not wish the hell of emotional disconnection upon anyone. Grieving, crying, mourning over a loss, it gives a value to something or to someone which was always there, before, we just hid it from ourselves, the reason why being something only each of us can discover in our own ways.
 

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I did not grieve when any of my grandparents died, but at the age of 12 I cried at my mom's father's funeral because she was crying. Personal grieving and empathy are different.

My mom died in 2004, earlier than expected from her cancer. I was 35. My dad died in 2006. More so for my mother than my dad, but I know there are some issues (it is actually grief?) that I need to sort out....or will eventually sort out. Only after her death did I realize just how much more important she was to me than I knew. Yet I was back on the plane the day after each of them passed away to get back to work here in Japan. (I made another trip back to the States for their funerals.)

I am a parent now and I miss my parents sometimes because I want to share my experiences with my own kids and now I also have a lot of questions. That is missing them, but not grieving.

I do believe though that if either of my children died, especially my son, I would be in trouble. I would need to be able to grieve, but would not be able to...not know how. I think the INTJ Hermit in me would pull me under my bridge to keep my safe, but it would be a hard safety.
 

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I agree with everything you guys are saying. I prefer our way of dealing with emotions because I have lost a boatload of people and life would suck if I grieved too much over them.
 
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Hmm...I thought I was the only one who had the impression that I wouldn't really "grieve" much. I was actually going to ask this question, but you beat me to it.

Of course I would be sad if a close family member or friend died. But I don't think there's a single person whose death would paralyze or destroy me, and I've often thought myself very strange. I would miss them, but I'm not sure it would be so very different from the feeling after someone has moved away.

I think there's very little that could paralyze or destroy me, because, whenever I think about it logically, I myself would still be intact, with a body and mind that still functioned properly. Sometimes I think my logical view of the world prevents me from having emotions, because my mind always stops me and says, "Wait a minute. This is not the end. Time to move on, because grief is not productive." My mind in itself is not considerate. :unsure:
 

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I would be upset if my mother, brother, bestie or stepfather died. I would grieve for them as they are part of the few who understand me. I value them in my life and have a great relationship with them.

In the past I have misunderstood my own grief and carried on thinking I was emotionless. It still has an effect.
 
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