Niss - I think you just clarified something that I was wondering about. On several ISTJ threads, I have noticed that there is mention of "friendship worthiness"...meaning that ISTJs need to build up a trust level with people before they let them "in" to a more intimate friendship circle. I think ISTJs must have some internal criteria checklist to assess the "friendship worthiness" of people before you make a judgement to determine if you want to pursue a friendship with them or not.
From an outsider's perspective (and from an ENFP's perspective in particular), it is very daunting to read the signals of weather you (ISTJs) would like to pursue a friendship with us or not. I do not want to derail this thread by creating another topic but do you have any advice on how other people might be able to gently wittle away at the Si and prove that we might be worthy of having a friendship with you? Is it a matter of persistence, common experience, intellectual compatibility, a certain unwritten test that we must pass?
In typical ENFP fashion, you are able to extract information from me, even though the topic is energy draining--mostly because you are
so nice. Sometimes I feel like putty in the hands of an ENFP. Not complaining, just knowing that the act of touching my inner self in order to answer this post will be draining.
Why it is draining to answer this post touches on the actual question. As dominant Si users, we simply
know--just like you simply know, but can't exactly explain how you use Ne. So, it is effortless for us to use Si. We don't think about it, we don't analyze that use, it just is something we do without thought. Since emotions and abstracts are difficult for us, analyzing these inner workings of our psyche is exhausting.
I get the feeling that other types, in trying to figure out dominant Si users, resort to analogies to make the process more understandable. So they create analogy of Si users using internal, comparative lists, which are based on our sensory data perceptions, and stored in a memory bank, to be brought up and checked off when a similar situation is encountered, allowing us to comparatively recognize and understand a concept based on these stored past experiences.
And to be fair, this is not far off. We do compare everything to internal stored data, but the process is effortless, concrete, and extremely accurate. It is not a check list, where we are mentally checking off each item until we have an "Ah Ha!" moment. It is more like panning for gold, where you are sifting through all of the silt and sand, looking for the tiny flakes of shiny metal. Our filters do this for us. And then, when we get down to the shiny flakes, we begin to trust that we do really have gold--an understanding that can be trusted, but we scrutinize it a little more to make sure it isn't fool's gold, but that it is bonafide and the real deal. Once we do that, it is no longer something that is scrutinized, but it is now accepted. Therefore it becomes a part of our stored data and will be used to reference new data against.
I know this is wordy--I'm sorry--but not enough to quit, yet.:crazy:
So how does one determine whether or not we want a friendship with you? It's easy. We are actually very accepting of people in general and so it is best to proceed on the assumption that we do want a relationship with you. If it comes to a point where we don't want a relationship with you, we will walk away, avoid you, un-invite ourselves to activities where you will be, refuse anything to do with you. People that we enjoy, we hang around with. If we don't like you, we simply refuse to associate with you. Therefore, if the ISTJ is there with you, rest assured that they don't dislike you.
Now, if you want to dig deeper, to develop a closer relationship with us, then do things with us. We do like to go places and do things, but we often don't get invited because people are unsure of us. Be realistic in your invitations: Don't ask us to go wind-sailing and be surprised if we turn you down. We are risk adverse until we know the activity well enough to feel that the risks are manageable.
If you ask us to do something relatively mundane and we refuse, it is best to assume that we were busy. Don't assume that we are avoiding you. After three tries, yeah you could say that we are not that interested, and move on.
Be direct. And sincere. We appreciate clarity. If you want a specific thing from us, tell us what you want, in a very concrete fashion. So if you have met an ISTJ that interests you and you think you would like to get to know them better, say that--exactly. We appreciate non-confrontational directness.
But if you think a guy is cute and you walk up with a couple of your girlfriends and drop some comment about us being cute, you've just lost us. Our filter will tell us that you are mocking us in some manner that we don't understand and will carefully begin to analyze the situation. Not finding anything wrong with our appearance at the time will result in a decision that you are not to be trusted. Flirty comments should be avoided in a group setting. Flirty comments in a more private setting will be interpreted as interest.
Time. Spend time with us. Most ISTJs have quality time as one of their top love languages. Talking, hanging out, doing things together, and sharing a meal--you are on your way to an ISTJ friendship. We are sensors, so sharing concrete tangibles like these will mean a lot and bring back good memories of you.
I've gone on too long. Most of the ISTJs will have bailed on this post long ago. Anywho--I hope it helps you:happy:.
