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Discussion Starter #1
Hi there,

First time I post something here, even though I have read a lot of threads here.

I have something bothering me, and I would hope to receive some tips of how to develop and get through it.
I really have a tendency to get "fixated" over relationships several times. Like, I can't let go of a certain person and our relationship. Some of these times, I have kind of become scared as well, since I thought that I had developed feelings for the other person. However, I have come to recognize that I just obsess over our relationship very much. When I really want the friendship to work out, I get really devoted and want to do everything in my power to make it work. I think of every aspect and every possible scenario of how our friendship will develop. Still, there have been several times that these friendships have not worked out. Those are worst, since I kind of breaks me down thinking that I couldn't befriend that person, even though I did everything that I could. I can think about it for days and weeks without being able to let it go, until one day (maybe months later) when I finally just stop thinking about it.

I sometimes think about if it has something to do with me wanting to help people, and get them to open up and feeling free and comfortable, (which I personally think that I usually help people with).

Are there anyone else out there feeling the same way, and maybe someone that can hand me a tip about how to develop that treat? :)
 

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I’m sorry to hear that! You are a wonderfully devoted friend and I want to help you get through this.

I want to first say that your worth is not measured by the state of your relationships. If I heard this three years ago I would have immediately rejected such an idea, but this was before my best friend of seven years turned on me and started bullying me at school with some other girls. Just because someone isn’t interested in you anymore, says horrible things to you, or flat out wants to see you die, none of this is your fault. You can’t control people, and everyone’s acting on their own accord. You can’t always make sure that someone doesn’t leave you. If that does happen, it’s only life. Try being optimistic and affirm to yourself that time will pass, and eventually these feelings will too.
 

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It's so hard for our personality type when it comes to friendships. We feel so deeply which means we are deeply concerned about our friends. Often times, I feel like I am the only one that cares in a friendship. I've had to let go and recognize that I cannot control how others behave. It hurts when friendships end, but sometimes letting go of certain friends ends up being healthier for you in the long run. I am now in a place where I have a group of friends that look out for each other. They make sure I am not driving myself into the ground taking care of others. They make sure I am taken care of. Find friendships like this.
 

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It seems to me like you rely on these friendships to fill all of your emotional needs. This is not a bad thing, that is what friends are for. But it can be a lot to handle if you are on the receiving end. If your friends are introverts then they need their space to be alone for a while. It does not mean that they don't love you, they just need to recharge.
Maybe you should think about what these relationships do for you, what do you get out of it and see if you can provide that same need through different people, or even by yourself. All independent.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I want to thank you all deeply for your responses. So easing to hear that you know what I'm talking about and to hear others perspectives on this. Like @Etiennette writes, I have come to recognize that I should not value myself based on my social status or the status of my relationships, or based on whether who likes me or not. But I have also come to see how difficult it is to let go of the thought that I indeed cannot affect or control other peoples thoughts and interests. I think that acceptance is a big part of this, accepting that we all are different and that I cannot be liked by everyone. Which I should feel is OK. However, this feels so difficult for me to learn.. Have you any exercises and tips on how to practice this or something that led you on the right path to learn to deal with acceptance?

Additionally, I have come to recognize that I lean on social confirmation from others more than my own thoughts and feelings of myself. Due to Introverted Intuition, I won't settle for shallow or external social confirmation, e.g. people telling my "You're so thoughtful and kind" or anything like that. I really want to feel that the other people thrives in my company and that they like me... When this doesn't happen, I get paranoid and want to try and do everything until they really do... Which actually is the wrong approach to a situation like this.
 

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I want to thank you all deeply for your responses. So easing to hear that you know what I'm talking about and to hear others perspectives on this. Like @Etiennette writes, I have come to recognize that I should not value myself based on my social status or the status of my relationships, or based on whether who likes me or not. But I have also come to see how difficult it is to let go of the thought that I indeed cannot affect or control other peoples thoughts and interests. I think that acceptance is a big part of this, accepting that we all are different and that I cannot be liked by everyone. Which I should feel is OK. However, this feels so difficult for me to learn.. Have you any exercises and tips on how to practice this or something that led you on the right path to learn to deal with acceptance?

Additionally, I have come to recognize that I lean on social confirmation from others more than my own thoughts and feelings of myself. Due to Introverted Intuition, I won't settle for shallow or external social confirmation, e.g. people telling my "You're so thoughtful and kind" or anything like that. I really want to feel that the other people thrives in my company and that they like me... When this doesn't happen, I get paranoid and want to try and do everything until they really do... Which actually is the wrong approach to a situation like this.
I find that journaling helps me with this, but you can always reflect in another manner. Whenever you interact with others, ask yourself “am I experiencing a genuine moment with them, or am I projecting my own faults onto them?”. Look inside and find the deeper meaning of your interactions; does it come from a place of weakness and fear, or of warmth and strength? Do you feel tense, hurried, anxious, or angry? Reflect on the meaning of these feelings, and try to figure out what they’re trying to teach you. Emotions are signs that are here to guide you.

The universe asks nothing of you. You’re not required to be talkative, you’re not required to be polite, you’re not required to be anything. Maybe you had a tiff with a friend, and now your world feels like it’s falling apart. That’s a sign that you need a different source of strength; you’ve started with a tiny tribe on Earth, so expand to the galaxy, the universe, anything beyond the ”world” you’re living in. At the universal level, that argument you had earlier now feels so small. Why worry about anything small like that, when everything else out there is so much more expansive and powerful?

Then you’ll find that you’re a stronger person than you were before.
 
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Thanks to @comicbookmama and @TallGreen for your inputs as well!!
@Etiennette That is actually a very important insight, and a very good one. I know that I have exercised that way of thinking a few times, but not enough. I tend to focus on the other persons needs and feelings too much that I forget to focus how I actually feel myself and what I think of our relation.

It is actually not a tiff or fight with a friend or anything, it's just me becoming more aware of everything I do for everyone around me, and putting demands on myself to please everything around me. Therefore, I think that you are absolutely right when you say that I'm not required to be all that I demand from myself, since no one actually asks of it. I mean, everyone we meet only gets to see one side of us and it shouldn't matter what they think or feel about that. As long as one is comfortable with one self and like one's sides. I also agree in your argument to put it in perspective and ask yourself if it really matters for the moment, or at all??

I think much lies in recognizing one's value and not putting others thought or feelings above one's own values and one self.
 

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Friendships can be a great way to use your Fe and enjoy your life but ultimately aren't an achievement you can claim to be all your own. It becomes a never ending project/endeavor that doesn't have a conclusion which is firmly fixed in place. It can be exhausting and frustrating to put so much energy into a relationship but not ever reach the place your Fe-Ni is wanting it to be. Trying to force emotional pleasing will burn you out and typically cause more issues/stress than if you just let things run their course.

I find the best way for me to enjoy a friendship is sharing an Fe-Se activity together like playing music or games. I don't focus on the emotional side of friendships anymore, I strive for quality time and enjoying the time spent. Usually through this way we are both happy with the relationship, it's a relaxed engagement with no emotional pressure on either party. If you focus on what creates the bond of friendship rather than the friendship itself you will find that things usually go smoother.

So in short, relax and enjoy the ride. Stop trying to control things and let things happen instead.
 

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I am like you. I find it hard to let go of a relationship if it ends on a less amicable and hence natural (to me) term.. I tend to think about it over and over and hope recover things and then I'm okay if the relationship finally ends peacefully and naturally by itself..I wonder if it's my ego being too big, and not able to accept that not everyone will open up to me and need me in their life as much as I need them in mine...
 

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Thanks for your response @Winegums!

I have never actually thought about it in the way you are putting it. I have always known that I seek a deeper connection to people and that I have high expectations of the other person to reach this level of connection. However, the true words you speak I have never thought of. I have given this a try and thought about it a lot since you responded, and I notice it frequently in my behavior. The only thing is that I really have trouble letting it go and not expect more than pleasing my Fe-Se. In my home city, I actually have a lot of friends which I have known for 10+ years that I have a deep connection with. But since I moved to another city, I have tried to find those kind of connections in my new town and are always trying to please my Fe-Ni.

I'm really glad that you found your way of handling this matter. How was you experience, trying to change this behavior or learn how to handle it? How did you cope with not feeling bad or feeling weird?
 

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I'm really glad that you found your way of handling this matter. How was you experience, trying to change this behavior or learn how to handle it? How did you cope with not feeling bad or feeling weird?
It wasn't so much a sudden change or something I decided one day, I more so slowly realized it over time.

I realized that I was struggling against the flow by trying to make things into what they shouldn't be. I have friendships that went to places that I didn't like due to trying to push them in a certain direction. I have friendships and relationships that I wish hadn't been weakened because of things I've done, and I've learned from those experiences. The only thing to do is move forward and make the best of what I have now, not repeating the mistakes I made before. I still feel bad about things and question why I did things but I've at least turned each instance into life lesson. I'm still learning, and always will be.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, You can't change the past but you can change your future.
 

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I suffer this too. But I have BPD so, I know my issues are because of abandonment issues.

What I've learned is that instead of worrying about loss of a friendship, I should develop myself in such a way where I can make new friendships as I keep coasting through life.
 

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Yes, I know how it feels, and it's perfectly normal to mourn a friendship and to have trouble letting go of it sometimes, especially when there's no clash but simply a growing lack of involvement from the other side. It's hard to understand why it doesn't click anymore, despite shared interests and the initial chemistry. Maybe it's due to external factors that keep your friend away from you and put you from priority #3 to priority #42 ? Sadly, I've found out that friendships that work best are largely circumstancial. It's the friends you met at school or at work, who live in the same city as you, go to the same places as you, belong to the same group of friends as you. No effort is required to make it work, you can talk and share activities regularly. On the other hand, there can be a lot of potential between two personalities that click, but if circumstances are against you (friend lives far away, has a child, is too busy at work etc) it's hard to sustain. In this case, it seems that what we really mourn is all this wasted potential rather than the relationship itself. Anyway, things change, people come and go, sometimes they simply lose interest over time and befriend other people they click better with.

Good news is that you don't have to take it personally. It has nothing to do with how interesting and valuable you are. I think once we accept that this kind of things is out of our control, it's easier to let go. The harder we try to make a relationship work, the more we damage it, and prove the other person that this wasn't meant to be. Of course we can make efforts and keep in touch with people, but not force friendship when it doesn't naturally happen.
My advice would be to focus your energy on the friends who stick with you, to find fulfillment in your hobbies/alone time (so that you're not emotionally dependent on anyone), and meet other people if your current friendships still lack something.
 
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