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I don't necessarily want to be seen as an authority figure all of the time, but sometimes I find it frustrating when others are discussing a topic that I know that I am well-versed in, and they do not take into account that I already know.

For example, my friends are taking a marriage class. Of course, like anyone, I can still learn more about marriage, but as a happily married person, I don't feel the need to be taught about what you are being taught in your class. Of course, I like to hear about your experiences in your ACTUAL life, but unless there is some earth-shattering nugget that you have gained, I don't really see some pastor as an authority on the subject (and, it admittedly kind of bugs me that you see HIM as MORE of an authority and not ME - your friend! the one who knows you and has been married for three years...).

I don't know how to explain this really without making myself sound bad and like an arrogant prick (and honestly, I berate myself for being arrogant in my head as this is happening...).

Obviously, I am aware I am far from perfect and need tons of help, but I guess I just wish I would get SOME credit for already knowing some things. Of course not everything, but certain things. Like, hey, twirler, this is your THING.

Like... with Myers Briggs stuff. That is a great example. There have been times when people have tried "teach me" about Myers Briggs. Again, I don't know everything, but I do think about this like every single day, all of the time, so... I mean, why are you teaching me? Why don't you see me as an authority on the subject? Do I have to get the title of pastor or psychologist in order for you to respect me in that way?

I just can feel my face getting all hot when these things happen. It's a combination of not wanting to share in this brand new thing they've JUST discovered that I've been studying like all of my life - like, I don't want to be grouped as a newbie - AND being frustrated with not being seen as an authority on this subject.

I've complained about this to my ISTP, and he just is like "I don't know why it bothers you so much." Lol. I don't either. I mean, I do, but I don't know how to not get annoyed. I have started speaking up a little bit more... i.e. "That seems commonsense to me." But, it comes out all mad because I am literally floored at how little my closest friends seem to know me. Lol.

Can you relate?
 

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You don't sound arrogant.

OMG I totally can relate.

My brothers were annoying me today trying to tell ME about MBTI and how it's all BS and they literally don't even know what ANY of it even means :/

Also, I HATE when people try to tell ME about MY field of work, instead of ASKING me about it...it's like...Umm, you have never studied this in your LIFE and know nothing about it. Sit down, be humble and stfu, peasant (oh the irony in my own speech XD hehe)!

Perhaps you could try subtly joking with your friend..."you know you could ask me, i'm an experienced, professional marriagee after all ;) "

maybe they don't wanna burden you? idk cos don't know them...
 

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I don't necessarily want to be seen as an authority figure all of the time, but sometimes I find it frustrating when others are discussing a topic that I know that I am well-versed in, and they do not take into account that I already know.

For example, my friends are taking a marriage class. Of course, like anyone, I can still learn more about marriage, but as a happily married person, I don't feel the need to be taught about what you are being taught in your class. Of course, I like to hear about your experiences in your ACTUAL life, but unless there is some earth-shattering nugget that you have gained, I don't really see some pastor as an authority on the subject (and, it admittedly kind of bugs me that you see HIM as MORE of an authority and not ME - your friend! the one who knows you and has been married for three years...).

I don't know how to explain this really without making myself sound bad and like an arrogant prick (and honestly, I berate myself for being arrogant in my head as this is happening...).

Obviously, I am aware I am far from perfect and need tons of help, but I guess I just wish I would get SOME credit for already knowing some things. Of course not everything, but certain things. Like, hey, twirler, this is your THING.

Like... with Myers Briggs stuff. That is a great example. There have been times when people have tried "teach me" about Myers Briggs. Again, I don't know everything, but I do think about this like every single day, all of the time, so... I mean, why are you teaching me? Why don't you see me as an authority on the subject? Do I have to get the title of pastor or psychologist in order for you to respect me in that way?

I just can feel my face getting all hot when these things happen. It's a combination of not wanting to share in this brand new thing they've JUST discovered that I've been studying like all of my life - like, I don't want to be grouped as a newbie - AND being frustrated with not being seen as an authority on this subject.

I've complained about this to my ISTP, and he just is like "I don't know why it bothers you so much." Lol. I don't either. I mean, I do, but I don't know how to not get annoyed. I have started speaking up a little bit more... i.e. "That seems commonsense to me." But, it comes out all mad because I am literally floored at how little my closest friends seem to know me. Lol.

Can you relate?
Ughhhh, I can totally relate... Whenever we promise to listen, they seem to promise to teach...

I just no longer talk to people who are unwilling to listen to people who have more experience or education. Some grad student was trying to school me about a subject the other day. A subject I've devoted over 16 years of my life to, and written EXTENSIVELY on the subject. Still, though,,, he "knew everything." So frustrating.

Now, I just nod and say "okay." People who aren't willing to listen; aren't worth talking to.
 

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I relate.

I don’t entertain those conversations whatsoever. If you want to hear yourself talk, you can do that on your time, not mine! I don’t like dealing in the basics of stuff in my field if the person isn’t there to learn from me.
 

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@Golden Creeper - Thank you for understanding me!! It makes me so happy to know other INFPs relate to my plight.

"you know you could ask me, i'm an experienced, professional marriagee after all ;) "

Amazing, but I could never. Lol. The (being perceived as) arrogant thing is a key part of my struggle too. Guilt over being so much smarter than my friends, I guess. LOL. Kidding. BAH.
@dlb - ya totally.

It must be because we are quiet? We don't usually say much to most people (at least I don't -- mostly cause I'm not interested in most things), so I think they assume I don't have anything going on in there. Ever. Yeah, right. Ha.

I need like a nametag that lists all my expertise. I think also as a 6, I am always looking for authority figures - trusting them in such and such a subject - so, I just want the same respect for my knowledge in my very, very few interests.

Ironically, for the more concrete things like... singing, for example. Something they have actually SEEN me do. Something I see as a hobby (but barely even a hobby if we're being honest) - well, people "respect" me for that! Give me authority for THAT! I don't even want it! What the heck.
 
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Yep! I can totally relate! I have a master's in earth science and am well-read on a variety of other topics. I don't go around spouting off knowledge uninvited, so if I make an effort to share my knowledge or someone asks me - I don't expect someone else with only marginal/specific/narrow knowledge of the topic to act like *they* know everything. This has happened a couple of times recently and it is very annoying. I'll save my breath next time, hah.

I do think that people think not much is going on upstairs because we are quiet. Or they are so much older than you/me/us and assume that they know better by virture of age.
 
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Just like others say, I can relate and for me it's been a great source of stress at times because I don't have the confidence to begin my professional career in part because of this. My career is supposed to involve people LISTENING to me as authority in what I tell them.

I think the common underlying factor that all of us have is self-doubt. Self-doubt is important because it makes us actually achieve knowledge on what we want but it also makes us unable to have confidence in what we already know, or at least APPEAR confident to others. People who others view as authority tend to have other character traits UNRELATED to their actual knowledge, which may even be inferior to ours.

Moreover I think that commonly we have a child-like way of conducting ourselves that further makes it hard for others to see us as authority in anything. At least I'm certain that is true for me, as I both look and sound young, I've even been called child-like by people younger than me.

For me it might also have to do with my upbringing, family of Ts, ENTP older sister who second guessed & criticized EVERYTHING I did or said and found ways to make me drown in even more self-doubt. I am able to stand up to her now but even so she rarely comes to me about matters I am qualified to speak for and sometimes when she discusses she disregards what I say regardless. My ISTJ mother does that as well but less aggressively, and I've taken steps to ensure I speak with confidence to her about these matters and when at different times she reads something online and comes to me and says "take a look what I read here" I make sure to point out that I TOLD YOU THE VERY SAME THING a while ago.
 

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@Red Panda -

That makes sense what you said about the self-doubt. When the time comes when I actually am knowledgeable and confident about something, no one knows to look at me for the answers. I do have confidence in what I know, but I have trouble APPEARING that way or voicing "Hey, I am an authority on this topic!" definitely, like you said. And, also, I think to myself, for what gain? Only to end my own annoyance? Pointless.

we have a child-like way of conducting ourselves that further makes it hard for others to see us as authority in anything.
I forgot about that. So true. My ISTP is oddly childlike too, so we both suffer from the same problem, although he isn't bothered by it as much as me. Ah, sweet detachment - I want it so much.
 
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@Red Panda -

That makes sense what you said about the self-doubt. When the time comes when I actually am knowledgeable and confident about something, no one knows to look at me for the answers. I do have confidence in what I know, but I have trouble APPEARING that way or voicing "Hey, I am an authority on this topic!" definitely, like you said. And, also, I think to myself, for what gain? Only to end my own annoyance? Pointless.
People admire me for knowing things I barely care about, or at least don't care to be admired for them and the things that matter it just doesn't happen. Annoying for sure.
 

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Once a TV expert explained "you know how you become a TV expert? Just call yourself expert. Act like it. People will treat you like one"

I think you do have to let people know you have knowlegde, and mention it, or they wont know it.

Theres nothing wrong with showing people teaching you things you already know that you know the topic. Just start debating a certain type, for example, that way you can show you have info too, and possibly teach them insights they didnt have.

If someone is exctited about something new, just teached them more relating to the new thing. That way people pick up fast who they have to go to for info. And it might actually excite them. There a lot in the way you bring things. Enthusiasm excites people, talk about things like they are amazing, and people will buy it.

The problem if you dont talk about your opinions, people will asume you either dont have them, or dont enjoy speaking about it.
 

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Once a TV expert explained "you know how you become a TV expert? Just call yourself expert. Act like it. People will treat you like one"

I think you do have to let people know you have knowlegde, and mention it, or they wont know it.

Theres nothing wrong with showing people teaching you things you already know that you know the topic. Just start debating a certain type, for example, that way you can show you have info too, and possibly teach them insights they didnt have.

If someone is exctited about something new, just teached them more relating to the new thing. That way people pick up fast who they have to go to for info. And it might actually excite them. There a lot in the way you bring things. Enthusiasm excites people, talk about things like they are amazing, and people will buy it.

The problem if you dont talk about your opinions, people will asume you either dont have them, or dont enjoy speaking about it.
I agree. You definitely do need to assert authority. There's no use just complaining about it behind the scenes - people can't read minds and they are assuming to fill in the gaps - so it's up to us to either fill it in first or correct the assumptions.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
 

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@INTJ_Lover

First, let me say that you are totally right. I suck at this. With sharing myself in general, that is. The amount of time I spend in my head, "to share or not to share," is completely absurd. But, I have this nice sort of peace of mind (security) I have created for myself, and I don't want to disrupt it just to get my point across. Being annoyed internally is way preferred to me than being blasted by someone on the outside. I guess because I know I can handle myself better than actual conflict with the outside world.

I guess I am not really sure how to be an expert without talking. That is what I really want. Lol. For example, my status as a married person, isn't that enough? My status as an adoptee, isn't that enough? And, why not? It seems to me that others are overlooking what to me is quite obvious. So, there's the initial offense that I feel of their insensitivity -- and then, when I go to assert myself, it comes out all annoyed.

How do I communicate my expert status in a calm non-snarky way? Are there phrases beyond "you could ask me, I am an expert" or "I already know all about that" - ?

There are of course different scenarios where these things happen. Some of the more negative ones I think of (which gives me pause to share) are like... when it seems like a person does not ACTUALLY want to share in what they are learning with me. Hmm, that came out klunky. I guess what I mean is... like, for instance, someone sharing with me about this TV show they've seen... and I'm like, "Yes, I've seen that too!" - (inside, wanting to be able to share in the joy they have found from my favorite show) - but instead, they start TEACHING me about the show... that I've seen... what.

It seems like in most cases, it does not matter if I am expert or not. They are not actually interested in give and take sharing or learning from me. So, I withhold.
 

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@twirler
Being married or an adoptee doesn't make you "an expert" at these things, it only makes you an expert at your own experience. So I'm not sure they are in the wrong for not seeing you as such, though I agree that a pastor is hardly more qualified unless he has some kind of background of social studies or psychology and things like that.

I think what you mean is that people don't look up to you for advice in these matters and then want to "teach" you when they find advice elsewhere. I'm not sure why that is, I think it's still at least in part related to the confidence thing we talked about earlier but it doesn't feel to me that it's the whole issue. If it's specific friends you have in mind in bringing up this topic then maybe it's your relationship with them, specifically, that has some underlying dynamic that makes them view you in a way you don't like.
 

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Whenever this happens to me, a clock starts ticking in my head because the challenge is on for me to come up with a smart remark that will bring the house down!! Sometimes a little sass does the trick :) I passive-aggressively let the offender know that they can't outsmart me because the issue is a matter of circle vs sphere.

I either avoid that person in the future, or I exercise my INFP gift of being able to go over anyone's head in a matter of seconds. Then I'm too confusing for them to bother with me!
 
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Whenever this happens to me, a clock starts ticking in my head because the challenge is on for me to come up with a smart remark that will bring the house down!! Sometimes a little sass does the trick :) I passive-aggressively let the offender know that they can't outsmart me because the issue is a matter of circle vs sphere.

I either avoid that person in the future, or I exercise my INFP gift of being able to go over anyone's head in a matter of seconds. Then I'm too confusing for them to bother with me!
Can I get some of your sass? I have it in my head, but it doesn't translate out loud very well. Grrr. I'm so heated that it comes out like the INFP word fumble which is not very witty or smart-sounding. People are like, "What?" (man, it sounded so great in my head! boo, twirler. boo.) Plus, when it comes out, I have instant regret. (such a meanie, twirler - so puffed)

Also, there have been times when the other person is still relentlessly trying to teach me... and I am like... so annoyed. Like this one time, this guy was trying to teach me about God. I grew up in the church, and again, it's not like I know everything about God (haha, funny), but... yes, I've heard this before. And, I think I said that to him, but it was like talking to a wall. There was no common sharing or interest in my perspective... just all one-sided. Would your kind of sass be like, "So, you like to hear yourself talk?" Lol. Or is that just plain mean?
 

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Can I get some of your sass? I have it in my head, but it doesn't translate out loud very well. Grrr. I'm so heated that it comes out like the INFP word fumble which is not very witty or smart-sounding. People are like, "What?" (man, it sounded so great in my head! boo, twirler. boo.) Plus, when it comes out, I have instant regret. (such a meanie, twirler - so puffed)

Also, there have been times when the other person is still relentlessly trying to teach me... and I am like... so annoyed. Like this one time, this guy was trying to teach me about God. I grew up in the church, and again, it's not like I know everything about God (haha, funny), but... yes, I've heard this before. And, I think I said that to him, but it was like talking to a wall. There was no common sharing or interest in my perspective... just all one-sided. Would your kind of sass be like, "So, you like to hear yourself talk?" Lol. Or is that just plain mean?
They probably say "What?" because their ears aren't used to hearing intelligent things ...... just their own voices:laughing::laughing:

Yeah, they ask me to repeat myself a lot too, so I just say it nice and slowly for them. Or I say that I don't feel like repeating myself, and that if that person wanted to hear what I said, they shouldn't have talked over me, etc. I can even go all INFP on them and tell them why they asked me to repeat myself, why they don't want to hear what I have to say, and what their innermost fear is in this conflict. I have to be furious to go this route, and it makes any onlookers very uncomfortable.

A tip for delivering practical sass is to try to reach a calm emotional state, or at least find some amusement in the situation. If you get worked up because you're being talked at (which is a totally natural response) try to separate yourself from these natural and predictable emotions. Perhaps it's the act of not being trapped by the introverted and internal Fi and freeing yourself to use Ne for social access and creativity and Te for that final logical bite.

Or maybe it's about having a strong Fi that can be socially divergent! If I stand there long enough with an eyebrow raised and a steady smirk on my face, it eventually makes the talker uncomfortable since they realize they are being internally mocked and ignored! Sometimes it's a good idea to stop trying to get your point across and give them the louder point that you're not listening to them. Then when they get upset at you and ask why you look like that or why you aren't listening, it gives you great clearance to say something for your cause, even just a simple "I wasn't listening to you because you aren't going to listen to me when I speak." (And people don't like having their futures told, so you can hold future standards over their head like a challenge!)

But if they keep lecturing without noticing your social cues, you know that they have a bit of a social disability or they are just a mean person. Then you can see that there's no point in trying to get your point across or to even be in communication with this person. (I think in the case of social disability, it's a good idea to bear with them. You might not like them, but to them, you might be their only friend)

Isn't the point of a sassy remark to show someone that you can think whatever you'd like to and they have no control? You can convey this meaning without saying something you'll regret later! You can show that no matter what the other person thinks they are an expert of, you are an expert of yourself.
 
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I’m admittedly a know it all sometimes, so I find people may disregard me out of spitefulness, if they can. It’s like they want to prove I don’t know it all. These people are usually family. Other people usually regard me as insightful, helpful or interesting. They don’t take everything I say to be a challenge to them or feel threatened by others being intelligent or knowledgeable.

An example of my family doing this is from years ago, when discussing pricing within a particular industry, I noted the trends because I worked for a magazine devoted to this industry and designed ads and wrote and researched articles featuring prices and discussing trends in this industry. I frequently talked to professionals in this industry. My sister worked in customer service, unrelated to this industry, and occasionally had customers make random comments about it while on the phone. I was told I didn’t know what I was talking about and she knew better because she talked to people firsthand! To add insult, my mom backed her up and told me that my information was limited and my sister was probably right (what?!). This was my childhood, basically. They would gang up on me because something I said rubbed them the wrong way and they needed to prove I wasn’t so smart. Even though I was never attacking them or implying I was smarter, I’d just share something from my day or whatever. No wonder I clammed up....

Otherwise, people teaching me stuff in an area I’m well informed on is not usually an issue. I usually take it as sharing because that’s all they’re doing (and hopefully that’s how I come across). I haven’t dealt with anyone very condescending besides my family. I have an acquaintance who is very into MBTI, but only knows Keirsey. I just listen. I feigned ignorance which I reget now, but I think it’s because I know people will be annoyed if I always know more. I pretended I read Jung only and had a different area of knowledge. Catching on quick annoys people also. I have no idea why... it’s like you being knowledgeable or quick makes them feel stupid and slow, as if it’s a competition. I just let other people be the expert.

I understand what its liked to be dismissed though. My family has done that to me and it’s probably part of why I hesitate to share much with others.
 
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Yikes. Your family dynamic sounds really tough. Thank you for sharing. That is crazy with your sister and mom... I can't imagine.

Catching on quick annoys people also. I have no idea why... it’s like you being knowledgeable or quick makes them feel stupid and slow, as if it’s a competition. I just let other people be the expert.

I understand what its liked to be dismissed though. My family has done that to me and it’s probably part of why I hesitate to share much with others.
Mmm yeah, so true. I prefer to take that non-threatening mode stance too because it seems to be more effective in not being off-putting from the start (beginnings being my hardest part in relationships). Problem is, even though I am smiley on the outside, I find that I really struggle with not thinking mean thoughts in my head when other people are talking. Basically, 99% of me is internal. So, I think what I am trying to accomplish when I do actually blurt something out is to bridge the gap between my internal and what is happening out there. I don't have doubt about my actual self and my internals, but I have plenty of doubt how to communicate that externally. I feel guilty for not being myself out there - when of course myself isn't all mean thoughts - but, I am not really sure how to kill them without showing people who I really am. And, because I feel guilty about the mean thoughts, my immediate thought is to project vulnerability - which teeters on LESS THAN and YOU are ALWAYS the expert, not me. Which of course then backfires and thus, this thread.

I know I need to learn how to be OUT THERE without being SO vulnerable - but, that is tricky for me. It's either I am super surface (safe) or share way too much in the hopes of getting somewhere deeper, followed by regret.

Anyway, I guess I am getting a bit tangential.
 

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I don't necessarily want to be seen as an authority figure all of the time, but sometimes I find it frustrating when others are discussing a topic that I know that I am well-versed in, and they do not take into account that I already know.

For example, my friends are taking a marriage class. Of course, like anyone, I can still learn more about marriage, but as a happily married person, I don't feel the need to be taught about what you are being taught in your class. Of course, I like to hear about your experiences in your ACTUAL life, but unless there is some earth-shattering nugget that you have gained, I don't really see some pastor as an authority on the subject (and, it admittedly kind of bugs me that you see HIM as MORE of an authority and not ME - your friend! the one who knows you and has been married for three years...).

I don't know how to explain this really without making myself sound bad and like an arrogant prick (and honestly, I berate myself for being arrogant in my head as this is happening...).

Obviously, I am aware I am far from perfect and need tons of help, but I guess I just wish I would get SOME credit for already knowing some things. Of course not everything, but certain things. Like, hey, twirler, this is your THING.

Like... with Myers Briggs stuff. That is a great example. There have been times when people have tried "teach me" about Myers Briggs. Again, I don't know everything, but I do think about this like every single day, all of the time, so... I mean, why are you teaching me? Why don't you see me as an authority on the subject? Do I have to get the title of pastor or psychologist in order for you to respect me in that way?

I just can feel my face getting all hot when these things happen. It's a combination of not wanting to share in this brand new thing they've JUST discovered that I've been studying like all of my life - like, I don't want to be grouped as a newbie - AND being frustrated with not being seen as an authority on this subject.

I've complained about this to my ISTP, and he just is like "I don't know why it bothers you so much." Lol. I don't either. I mean, I do, but I don't know how to not get annoyed. I have started speaking up a little bit more... i.e. "That seems commonsense to me." But, it comes out all mad because I am literally floored at how little my closest friends seem to know me. Lol.

Can you relate?

I have also experienced this feeling many times, and my reactions has varied from furious to mildly annoyed.

At a dinner some years back I got in to a discussion with the brother of my girlfriends at the time. The discussion was about a specific topic within his field of work. I had little in common with the brother, but I had spent the last couple of years on research projects on this topic, so I was happy to find some common ground with him. We had a lengthy discussion, but when I disagreed with the brother, my girlfriend called me out as a know-it-all. She told me that her brother was the expert, and that I should respect his views. I had never talked to the brother about my work, but there is no was my girlfriend did not know about my participation in these research projects. Therefore it was totally unacceptable that she did not respect my de facto expertise. I explained in detail what I knew about the topic, refused any discussions about the validity of my claim and demanded a full apology. In my mind the lines were drawn, either she showed me the respect I believed earned or I would leave her. In the end she apologized. Our relationship continued, but this was the first big step towards our break up.

I was ready to leave my girlfriend over what probably is a relative minor thing for most people, but for me it was it was a challenge to my values and my integrity. (In retrospect it is easy to see that my reactions also said a lot about our relationship) I do no react so strongly to not being sees as an expert if relative strangers get preachy in areas I have some expertise. It is annoying, but they do not know me, so I don't see it as a attack on my values. When this happens I usually hide my knowledge or just walk away without giving it any more thought.

I am a newcomer to MBTI an may very well be wrong in this observation, but I cant help thinking that how I respond in these situations are dictated by how it affects my Fi.
 

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A lot of people aren't really interested in having conversations. They just want to put their stamp on the world and convince others that they are right.
Otherwise, it's probably a matter of behaviour patterns. If the other party is used to talking a certain way to you, they will keep doing that across most situations. It's consistent withing groups of friends, family, work, stuff like that. The best way to break the pattern might be to jump in whenever you hear something that doesn't fit and explain it to them. It might become a discussion with some people if they are inclined to argue over finding the truth. If that's the case, maybe it can't be helped with these people.
Otherwise, if you consistently seem knowledgeable about a subject and take action to show it to the world, people will slowly start to see you as an authority on the subject.

I guess INFP's are easy to underestimate since you're introverts and have two fuctions on top that don't tend to 'show their work' a lot. A lot of what you do happens inside your heads, making it completely invisible to others.
 
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