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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi. Before I go into this, I think it necessary to say that I might be a little moody today. I'm also quite possibly a Borderline, so when I feel something, it's pretty extreme. However the following is a re-occurring issue my LDR and I have. And I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about the situation are legit or if I'm just overreacting. This is important because I can be extremely impulsive. I don't wanna do something I'll regret out of being sad and confused right now.

We've known one another for about 4-5 years. We met online, and he's the greatest person I've ever known, period. I'm a 25 year old ESFP, and he's a 22 year old INTJ. We have so much in common, and though I pride myself on my adaptability, he's someone I would really like to not lose if I don't have to. However,

(1) He doesn't text me as often as I'd like, even just to say hello. The last time was a few days ago. When we first started out, he would let like a month go by. And that makes me nervous; not so much out of distrust, but because when I care about someone, they become a part of my day-to-day. And the fact that he seems hesitant to make me a part of his is honestly kind of hurtful, even though I know he's not doing it to spite me. It doesn't help that when we do talk, he makes me so happy. So the times in between are painful. I've brought it up to him a few times in the past but I don't see it changing.

(2) We have never met in person. The most we've done face-to-face is cam a few times.

(3) Neither of us has discussed meeting up in detail. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to yet. Mind you we just started talking again a few months ago after a break, brought on by him telling me that because I couldn't guarantee I'd ALWAYS have feelings for him, my present feelings weren't legitimate. Since then he's said his perspective has changed and that he was being immature then, which is why we're trying again. But after the break, I guess you could say I was a bit of a mess. There was a year-long period during which time we weren't talking, where I slept around. I was depressed, as it felt like I was looking for something. He told me once we first started talking again that he felt like I was ignoring him for other guys, even though he's someone who does truly care about me, and that all I had to be was patient. Somehow, after a bit more time with us talking, I accepted that (mostly because I did and do still have strong feelings for him.) But the fact is, the wait is still a challenge for me. Especially now that I'm taking him more seriously again. He drove all the way to New York on business (he lives in Arkansas. I'm in Illinois) but it's like, you won't make plans to see me when I'm even closer to you than New York??? I've hinted at me coming there but he was like, "You don't wanna come here. It's a shit neighborhood. Too much crime."

I don't know, I'm scared for a few reasons. In the back of my mind, I'm scared he just doesn't wanna see me.

I'm also scared that I'm asking too much and just not seeing the big picture here. I just can't help feeling alone right now, even though I'm "with him." Any advice for me? Thanks in advance.
 

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hmm advice. i would say, let him take the lead and don't expect too much. i wouldn't devote yourself to this guy. he might have a girlfriend for all you know. just keep it friends and if he can manage to get out and see you so you can meet him, great, and take it from there.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
hmm advice. i would say, let him take the lead and don't expect too much. i wouldn't devote yourself to this guy. he might have a girlfriend for all you know. just keep it friends and if he can manage to get out and see you so you can meet him, great, and take it from there.
Honestly just not sure I can do that at this point. I feel like too much has happened. Not only that but if he DOES have a girlfriend, then that would mean he's been lying to me this whole time. I feel like in the case of 'am I not sure if this person is being honest with me?,' I would honestly rather just not spend anymore time with them. Though I'm 90% sure it's not that he's seeing anyone else.
 

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I agree with MsBrightside.

Not wanting to meet up after all the talks and stuff? He might be covering something about him, or is just still uncertain about you even though he said he grew up.
Bottom line is, If you think he's the_one, then be more open about it with him. You don't want to waste a few more years(?) living in uncertainty, right?


//As far as I know, there were times I didn't chat with my special other for months, but we would just continue from where we left off. That easy. The key for us is that the feelings are genuine, intentions understood and that both_of_us were going towards the same goal.//
 

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Maybe you should get Nev on the case!

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and in particular when you feel a large disconnect and it creates more concerns. It seems like your main issue is that you don't have that sense of connection with him, especially in your day to day life, and that's ultimately something that most long distance relationships struggle with in particular. It seems you have mentioned this to him in one way or another. I would think about what this relationship with the idea that if he doesn't make a greater effort to be more connected with you on a day to day basis would you hang around and wait? If you told him today that you wanted to work out a time by the end of the year to meet up, and he wasn't enthusiastic about it, would you be ok with waiting longer to see if he'd change?

Something to think about; Why would you put your life on hold (romantically or otherwise) for someone if they won't actively try to be part of your life as much as they can. If someone is really into you, wouldn't you hope they'd be wanting to be with you as much as possible? Don't let someone string you along, life is to short for that.
 

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Honestly just not sure I can do that at this point. I feel like too much has happened. Not only that but if he DOES have a girlfriend, then that would mean he's been lying to me this whole time. I feel like in the case of 'am I not sure if this person is being honest with me?,' I would honestly rather just not spend anymore time with them. Though I'm 90% sure it's not that he's seeing anyone else.
you mentioned you are afraid you aren't seeing the big picture. i don't know for sure, but by what you said, it seems like you are more into this relationship than he is. of course i might be wrong.. like my boyfriend now had a sort of online girlfriend for like ten years or more and they never met. she lived in a different country. he was pretty content keeping it an online relationship, for various reasons he couldn't go visit her anyway, but she would suggest coming out to him and he would always knock it down. not because he really didn't want to see her, but because he wasn't happy with his life and i think basically felt like he had nothing to offer her on a real world level. call it masculine pride or whatever but there must be reasons why he doesn't want you to come out and visit. like maybe he's embarassed of his living conditions or something. or worse as my boyfriend just said, he said, " when she said she wanted to come visit, it's like the challenge was gone and i lost interest." (that coupled with the feeling he had nothing to offer) guys can be weird like that. but that is speculation and the big picture to me seems like basically you've invested way more of yourself into this relationship than he has and that doesn't seem healthy for you. i don't know why you like him so much, but maybe you ought to think about that and if you want to continue thinking of him as your boyfriend rather than just a friend or romantic "interest." eta- i say this because i worry that you are deluding yourself into thinking you have a future with this guy and that it might be holding you back from meeting someone else that will truly love you and want to be with you like you deserve.
 

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All I want to input is that it doesn't seem like much of a relationship from what you've said.
 

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What if you guys met up at a location in-between your homes? So that neither person had to drive very far?

Has that been considered/discussed?
 

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Hi. Before I go into this, I think it necessary to say that I might be a little moody today. I'm also quite possibly a Borderline, so when I feel something, it's pretty extreme. However the following is a re-occurring issue my LDR and I have. And I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about the situation are legit or if I'm just overreacting. This is important because I can be extremely impulsive. I don't wanna do something I'll regret out of being sad and confused right now.

We've known one another for about 4-5 years. We met online, and he's the greatest person I've ever known, period. I'm a 25 year old ESFP, and he's a 22 year old INTJ. We have so much in common, and though I pride myself on my adaptability, he's someone I would really like to not lose if I don't have to. However,

(1) He doesn't text me as often as I'd like, even just to say hello. The last time was a few days ago. When we first started out, he would let like a month go by. And that makes me nervous; not so much out of distrust, but because when I care about someone, they become a part of my day-to-day. And the fact that he seems hesitant to make me a part of his is honestly kind of hurtful, even though I know he's not doing it to spite me. It doesn't help that when we do talk, he makes me so happy. So the times in between are painful. I've brought it up to him a few times in the past but I don't see it changing.

(2) We have never met in person. The most we've done face-to-face is cam a few times.

(3) Neither of us has discussed meeting up in detail. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to yet. Mind you we just started talking again a few months ago after a break, brought on by him telling me that because I couldn't guarantee I'd ALWAYS have feelings for him, my present feelings weren't legitimate. Since then he's said his perspective has changed and that he was being immature then, which is why we're trying again. But after the break, I guess you could say I was a bit of a mess. There was a year-long period during which time we weren't talking, where I slept around. I was depressed, as it felt like I was looking for something. He told me once we first started talking again that he felt like I was ignoring him for other guys, even though he's someone who does truly care about me, and that all I had to be was patient. Somehow, after a bit more time with us talking, I accepted that (mostly because I did and do still have strong feelings for him.) But the fact is, the wait is still a challenge for me. Especially now that I'm taking him more seriously again. He drove all the way to New York on business (he lives in Arkansas. I'm in Illinois) but it's like, you won't make plans to see me when I'm even closer to you than New York??? I've hinted at me coming there but he was like, "You don't wanna come here. It's a shit neighborhood. Too much crime."

I don't know, I'm scared for a few reasons. In the back of my mind, I'm scared he just doesn't wanna see me.

I'm also scared that I'm asking too much and just not seeing the big picture here. I just can't help feeling alone right now, even though I'm "with him." Any advice for me? Thanks in advance.
I tested INTJ for eight years; I'm on the border for T/F, and I do look at the big picture--plus I've had and still have what I call rank-n-file INTJ friends.

My perspective is this:

You've mentioned being borderline before albeit hesitant sometimes to just name, claim that as it's a hard thing to admit.

Your INTJ friend needs less texting. I don't text at all, and I dislike phone calls even with my husband who is my best friend and whom I love very much. He is an ENFP.

The Big Picture at this point?

You care about him; he cares about you; the two of you have different ways of operating in a relationship.

The best thing for you period, not just with him?

More 'self-care' which for someone with Borderline is hard, I know. And insecurity is huge, I know that, too: I have a borderline sister, a borderline niece, and I've worked with those who've got that diagnosis.

He may not want to meet because, seems ironic until you look closely: He's afraid it will go poorly, perhaps you will display borderline behavior and he won't be able to deal with it, so he's keeping it as is for now.

You're both young, to my mind--he's even younger than you, so if you can?

Look for ways to ease your anxiety: Relaxing music; long walks; some other kind of exercise... Anything that isn't harmful.

And be grateful you have this friendship because you know how hard it is for those diagnosed as borderline to maintain friendships without sabotaging them.

And yes, I agree with your over all fear: Do not act on impulse regarding unfounded worries and anxiety-induced desires.

Be good to yourself, woman. <3
 

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Hi. Before I go into this, I think it necessary to say that I might be a little moody today. I'm also quite possibly a Borderline, so when I feel something, it's pretty extreme. However the following is a re-occurring issue my LDR and I have. And I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about the situation are legit or if I'm just overreacting. This is important because I can be extremely impulsive. I don't wanna do something I'll regret out of being sad and confused right now.

We've known one another for about 4-5 years. We met online, and he's the greatest person I've ever known, period. I'm a 25 year old ESFP, and he's a 22 year old INTJ. We have so much in common, and though I pride myself on my adaptability, he's someone I would really like to not lose if I don't have to. However,

(1) He doesn't text me as often as I'd like, even just to say hello. The last time was a few days ago. When we first started out, he would let like a month go by. And that makes me nervous; not so much out of distrust, but because when I care about someone, they become a part of my day-to-day. And the fact that he seems hesitant to make me a part of his is honestly kind of hurtful, even though I know he's not doing it to spite me. It doesn't help that when we do talk, he makes me so happy. So the times in between are painful. I've brought it up to him a few times in the past but I don't see it changing.

(2) We have never met in person. The most we've done face-to-face is cam a few times.

(3) Neither of us has discussed meeting up in detail. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to yet. Mind you we just started talking again a few months ago after a break, brought on by him telling me that because I couldn't guarantee I'd ALWAYS have feelings for him, my present feelings weren't legitimate. Since then he's said his perspective has changed and that he was being immature then, which is why we're trying again. But after the break, I guess you could say I was a bit of a mess. There was a year-long period during which time we weren't talking, where I slept around. I was depressed, as it felt like I was looking for something. He told me once we first started talking again that he felt like I was ignoring him for other guys, even though he's someone who does truly care about me, and that all I had to be was patient. Somehow, after a bit more time with us talking, I accepted that (mostly because I did and do still have strong feelings for him.) But the fact is, the wait is still a challenge for me. Especially now that I'm taking him more seriously again. He drove all the way to New York on business (he lives in Arkansas. I'm in Illinois) but it's like, you won't make plans to see me when I'm even closer to you than New York??? I've hinted at me coming there but he was like, "You don't wanna come here. It's a shit neighborhood. Too much crime."

I don't know, I'm scared for a few reasons. In the back of my mind, I'm scared he just doesn't wanna see me.

I'm also scared that I'm asking too much and just not seeing the big picture here. I just can't help feeling alone right now, even though I'm "with him." Any advice for me? Thanks in advance.
Sometimes we may project our own thoughts and feelings onto others, rather then understand, that them being seperate from us, would see the situation differently.

So applying that understanding.. Do you want to see him? Are you by any chance, hesitant to become a part of his day to day?

Are you sure that you won’t become a part of his day to day, if you move ?

And finally , what would an intelligent person do in this circumstance, or a truly considerate person? What would they do?

but above all, I see no reason, not to voice your own feelings to your boyfriend. So tell him and if he is the right person for you, he will understand.

I’ve been in an LDR myself, I worried about a similar thing, but it turned out we were both insecure about the exact same thing. Same goes for your relationship.
 

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you mentioned you are afraid you aren't seeing the big picture. i don't know for sure, but by what you said, it seems like you are more into this relationship than he is. of course i might be wrong.. like my boyfriend now had a sort of online girlfriend for like ten years or more and they never met. she lived in a different country. he was pretty content keeping it an online relationship, for various reasons he couldn't go visit her anyway, but she would suggest coming out to him and he would always knock it down. not because he really didn't want to see her, but because he wasn't happy with his life and i think basically felt like he had nothing to offer her on a real world level. call it masculine pride or whatever but there must be reasons why he doesn't want you to come out and visit. like maybe he's embarassed of his living conditions or something. or worse as my boyfriend just said, he said, " when she said she wanted to come visit, it's like the challenge was gone and i lost interest." (that coupled with the feeling he had nothing to offer) guys can be weird like that. but that is speculation and the big picture to me seems like basically you've invested way more of yourself into this relationship than he has and that doesn't seem healthy for you. i don't know why you like him so much, but maybe you ought to think about that and if you want to continue thinking of him as your boyfriend rather than just a friend or romantic "interest." eta- i say this because i worry that you are deluding yourself into thinking you have a future with this guy and that it might be holding you back from meeting someone else that will truly love you and want to be with you like you deserve.

I wouldn’t be so skeptical. We all have different experiences and some online LDRs do work, my brother hooked up with a girl online and they talked for some time before they got together. (A year and a half I think) Now they’re living with each other and they’re even considering marriage. The guy was a total wreck until she picked him up as well! No job, no money, no diploma, no house, no nothing!

There are even some homeless people in relationships, what would you attribute that to? Would they hold back because they were embarassed by their living conditions?
 

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I wouldn’t be so skeptical. We all have different experiences and some online LDRs do work, my brother hooked up with a girl online and they talked for some time before they got together. (A year and a half I think) Now they’re living with each other and they’re even considering marriage. The guy was a total wreck until she picked him up as well! No job, no money, no diploma, no house, no nothing!

There are even some homeless people in relationships, what would you attribute that to? Would they hold back because they were embarassed by their living conditions?
i know people who started with long distance relationships too. i don't think this is much about the fact that she is having a long distance relationship so much as the guys attitude. to the last question, i'm not saying everyone would, just gave an example of someone that did and i do think it's a valid example that might apply to lots of guys, especially since he specifically said something that might lead to that assumption/conclusion.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
An update: I officially "broke up" with him. He straight up admitted he had no plans for the future. And it was heart-breaking/I'm still very upset (just happened a few days ago.) But a lot of people who replied were right; I'm way too present-minded, and crave affection way too much for this sort of thing. So I'm gonna keep trying to do me.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to chime in. Everyone here is so giving. Means a lot. :) :)
 

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An update: I officially "broke up" with him. He straight up admitted he had no plans for the future. And it was heart-breaking/I'm still very upset (just happened a few days ago.) But a lot of people who replied were right; I'm way too present-minded, and crave affection way too much for this sort of thing. So I'm gonna keep trying to do me.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to chime in. Everyone here is so giving. Means a lot. :) :)
I was thinking about you last night, and also about my niece and the other relative, and some more...

My niece especially was in the forefront as she had a really rough start--I was instrumental in her being given up for adoption, pushing the issue as she was in foster care too long, getting older, at that age where 'cute' is about to end and fewer perspective parents would be willing to adopt her. (Good call on my part; she was made a ward of the state and within the year adopted, which made a huge, positive difference in her life.)

My niece is so intelligent, so curious, so talented, and I forgot to mention--I think I did, that she is an ESFP.

She had trouble in relationships in the beginning, for many years, but her marriage now (she married this man when she was nearing 30) is working out, and she has two children, two dogs, owns her house, gardens, sews, swims like a fish--dives off boats, loves to attend ball games, helps out her friends, e.g. putting in flooring, stuff like that. She enjoys nature walks and hikes, cold weather: snowball fights, and is a lover of all kinds of music (her adopted father was a composer; her adopted mother a former Catholic nun).

She does have a constant craving for affection, reassurance, and we ended up not having a close relationship because with my temperament and my own mental disorder (PTSD being the main one that comes to mind) and her borderline issues, well, I couldn't give her what she needed, and she couldn't give me what I needed.

She's grateful I stepped in and up, got her away from the neglectful, abusive situation and she therefore had the chance for a richer life, or hell, any kind of life, but it ends there as she is what others used to call 'high maintenance' and I had to do too much of that growing up: Help my parents maintain anything akin to structure in an otherwise chaotic environment, so I'm tapped out for giving constant reassurance and being careful about how I word things so I don't trigger her anxiety, et cetera.

But what stood out for me last night was your being as ESFP and her being one... So you can improve on self-care, and learn to throw yourself into life as so many ESFPs are good to great at doing.

And when the right man comes along, you'll have so much to offer and not as much need.

I'm not saying you can become a different person. I will always have PTSD to deal with, but you can be more loving to yourself, addressing more of your own needs, I trust that, you.

I'm glad that you got it out on the table and made the decision best for you. Obviously, just being friends was not going to work.

I'm happy for you too (as I get happy for myself, any others) for seeing that getting stuck in the present isn't the same thing as the more positive 'living in the moment.'

I am future-oriented but I am also working on--and getting better at--enjoying here/now things.

Thanks for checking back in and updating this. As you know, many OPs drop out of sight after getting what they wanted, leaving anyone who contributed including those of us who were concerned wondering "Is she (or he) okay?"

Good for you. Remember that:

You're doing fine because you're growing. ٩(˘◡˘)۶
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I was thinking about you last night, and also about my niece and the other relative, and some more...

My niece especially was in the forefront as she had a really rough start--I was instrumental in her being given up for adoption, pushing the issue as she was in foster care too long, getting older, at that age where 'cute' is about to end and fewer perspective parents would be willing to adopt her. (Good call on my part; she was made a ward of the state and within the year adopted, which made a huge, positive difference in her life.)

My niece is so intelligent, so curious, so talented, and I forgot to mention--I think I did, that she is an ESFP.

She had trouble in relationships in the beginning, for many years, but her marriage now (she married this man when she was nearing 30) is working out, and she has two children, two dogs, owns her house, gardens, sews, swims like a fish--dives off boats, loves to attend ball games, helps out her friends, e.g. putting in flooring, stuff like that. She enjoys nature walks and hikes, cold weather: snowball fights, and is a lover of all kinds of music (her adopted father was a composer; her adopted mother a former Catholic nun).

She does have a constant craving for affection, reassurance, and we ended up not having a close relationship because with my temperament and my own mental disorder (PTSD being the main one that comes to mind) and her borderline issues, well, I couldn't give her what she needed, and she couldn't give me what I needed.

She's grateful I stepped in and up, got her away from the neglectful, abusive situation and she therefore had the chance for a richer life, or hell, any kind of life, but it ends there as she is what others used to call 'high maintenance' and I had to do too much of that growing up: Help my parents maintain anything akin to structure in an otherwise chaotic environment, so I'm tapped out for giving constant reassurance and being careful about how I word things so I don't trigger her anxiety, et cetera.

But what stood out for me last night was your being as ESFP and her being one... So you can improve on self-care, and learn to throw yourself into life as so many ESFPs are good to great at doing.

And when the right man comes along, you'll have so much to offer and not as much need.

I'm not saying you can become a different person. I will always have PTSD to deal with, but you can be more loving to yourself, addressing more of your own needs, I trust that, you.

I'm glad that you got it out on the table and made the decision best for you. Obviously, just being friends was not going to work.

I'm happy for you too (as I get happy for myself, any others) for seeing that getting stuck in the present isn't the same thing as the more positive 'living in the moment.'

I am future-oriented but I am also working on--and getting better at--enjoying here/now things.

Thanks for checking back in and updating this. As you know, many OPs drop out of sight after getting what they wanted, leaving anyone who contributed including those of us who were concerned wondering "Is she (or he) okay?"

Good for you. Remember that:

You're doing fine because you're growing. ٩(˘◡˘)۶
Oh hi again!!! :)

Yeah, honestly I've accepted that I'm always gonna need people -- maybe not necessarily in the form of dating people, but with friends, acquaintances, etc. At the same time, looking for something permanent when I don't actually believe I can ever have that is a set back for me; I think maybe I should have just accepted things for what they were and remembered my boundaries.

I have things I both like and want to do more of now, so hopefully looking for stability in others will become something I can quit. Ideally I just hope to learn to enjoy other people's company when I have it.
 

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Well I hope you find happiness and enjoyment in your life and from those around you. You seem like you'll find good friends and company even if set backs occasionally happen. Have a good weekend!
 
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