I tested INTJ for eight years; I'm on the border for T/F, and I do look at the big picture--plus I've had and still have what I call rank-n-file INTJ friends.Hi. Before I go into this, I think it necessary to say that I might be a little moody today. I'm also quite possibly a Borderline, so when I feel something, it's pretty extreme. However the following is a re-occurring issue my LDR and I have. And I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about the situation are legit or if I'm just overreacting. This is important because I can be extremely impulsive. I don't wanna do something I'll regret out of being sad and confused right now.
We've known one another for about 4-5 years. We met online, and he's the greatest person I've ever known, period. I'm a 25 year old ESFP, and he's a 22 year old INTJ. We have so much in common, and though I pride myself on my adaptability, he's someone I would really like to not lose if I don't have to. However,
(1) He doesn't text me as often as I'd like, even just to say hello. The last time was a few days ago. When we first started out, he would let like a month go by. And that makes me nervous; not so much out of distrust, but because when I care about someone, they become a part of my day-to-day. And the fact that he seems hesitant to make me a part of his is honestly kind of hurtful, even though I know he's not doing it to spite me. It doesn't help that when we do talk, he makes me so happy. So the times in between are painful. I've brought it up to him a few times in the past but I don't see it changing.
(2) We have never met in person. The most we've done face-to-face is cam a few times.
(3) Neither of us has discussed meeting up in detail. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to yet. Mind you we just started talking again a few months ago after a break, brought on by him telling me that because I couldn't guarantee I'd ALWAYS have feelings for him, my present feelings weren't legitimate. Since then he's said his perspective has changed and that he was being immature then, which is why we're trying again. But after the break, I guess you could say I was a bit of a mess. There was a year-long period during which time we weren't talking, where I slept around. I was depressed, as it felt like I was looking for something. He told me once we first started talking again that he felt like I was ignoring him for other guys, even though he's someone who does truly care about me, and that all I had to be was patient. Somehow, after a bit more time with us talking, I accepted that (mostly because I did and do still have strong feelings for him.) But the fact is, the wait is still a challenge for me. Especially now that I'm taking him more seriously again. He drove all the way to New York on business (he lives in Arkansas. I'm in Illinois) but it's like, you won't make plans to see me when I'm even closer to you than New York??? I've hinted at me coming there but he was like, "You don't wanna come here. It's a shit neighborhood. Too much crime."
I don't know, I'm scared for a few reasons. In the back of my mind, I'm scared he just doesn't wanna see me.
I'm also scared that I'm asking too much and just not seeing the big picture here. I just can't help feeling alone right now, even though I'm "with him." Any advice for me? Thanks in advance.
My perspective is this:
You've mentioned being borderline before albeit hesitant sometimes to just name, claim that as it's a hard thing to admit.
Your INTJ friend needs less texting. I don't text at all, and I dislike phone calls even with my husband who is my best friend and whom I love very much. He is an ENFP.
The Big Picture at this point?
You care about him; he cares about you; the two of you have different ways of operating in a relationship.
The best thing for you period, not just with him?
More 'self-care' which for someone with Borderline is hard, I know. And insecurity is huge, I know that, too: I have a borderline sister, a borderline niece, and I've worked with those who've got that diagnosis.
He may not want to meet because, seems ironic until you look closely: He's afraid it will go poorly, perhaps you will display borderline behavior and he won't be able to deal with it, so he's keeping it as is for now.
You're both young, to my mind--he's even younger than you, so if you can?
Look for ways to ease your anxiety: Relaxing music; long walks; some other kind of exercise... Anything that isn't harmful.
And be grateful you have this friendship because you know how hard it is for those diagnosed as borderline to maintain friendships without sabotaging them.
And yes, I agree with your over all fear: Do not act on impulse regarding unfounded worries and anxiety-induced desires.
Be good to yourself, woman. <3