[Melanthe]

I'm curious if this is trait-related.

I was involved with a guy for several years who kept ending it with me, then starting up again. I was madly in love with him, and he said I "knew the taste of his soul". I sometimes believe he loved me, deeply, but I also think he lied about a lot of things, and probably cheated, too.

I said cruel things to him, once I was driven to extremes (INFJs tend to do that, but only in extreme circumstances), and he couldn't forgive me, but he still wanted me. Eventually, though, I think he felt guilty about hurting me so much. I have no idea what he really felt. In almost 4 years he only told me he loved me twice, and that was pretty much just because I'd backed him into a wall on it.

The last year and a half were particularly painful for me, perhaps for him, I don't know.

Do you have trouble ending relationships? Is it hard for you to be honest in relationships? Do you just hide your feelings? Or do you just toy with people you don't really love, usually?

Any ESFPs with relationship experience with INFJs would be good to hear from.

 

[Marac]

I'm curious if this is trait-related.

I was involved with a guy for several years who kept ending it with me, then starting up again. I was madly in love with him, and he said I "knew the taste of his soul". I sometimes believe he loved me, deeply, but I also think he lied about a lot of things, and probably cheated, too.

I said cruel things to him, once I was driven to extremes (INFJs tend to do that, but only in extreme circumstances), and he couldn't forgive me, but he still wanted me. Eventually, though, I think he felt guilty about hurting me so much. I have no idea what he really felt. In almost 4 years he only told me he loved me twice, and that was pretty much just because I'd backed him into a wall on it.

The last year and a half were particularly painful for me, perhaps for him, I don't know.

Do you have trouble ending relationships? Is it hard for you to be honest in relationships? Do you just hide your feelings? Or do you just toy with people you don't really love, usually?

Any ESFPs with relationship experience with INFJs would be good to hear from.

I am a male ESFP, so I'll answer this as best I can.

Lying, cheating and hurting people is not something that I do, so I can't really say that is something typical of ESFP.

However, rarely saying things like "I love you" and sometimes not opening completely up I think maybe is more typical.

ESFPs have Fi as their auxiliary function. Whereas a Fe user might say "I love you" in order to gain rapport or as a means to an end, a Fi user won't say it unless they really mean it. So, for us it is a very big thing to say, because then we must actually feel that we love you (I have been in a few short relationships and have never said it). Fi users also often have a much more difficult time expressing their feelings verbally than Fe users.

As for not always opening up. The way I see it, I have two modes. The first one is the extremely social, charming, happy, etc, person which everyone loves. The second one is a much more vulnerable one with deep feelings, which especially if it has been ridiculed in the past (in the past people have laughed at me when I have been "deep", because they don't expect such things to come from me at all), will be very scary to show.

 

[Melanthe]

As for not always opening up. The way I see it, I have two modes. The first one is the extremely social, charming, happy, etc, person which everyone loves. The second one is a much more vulnerable one with deep feelings, which especially if it has been ridiculed in the past (in the past people have laughed at me when I have been "deep", because they don't expect such things to come from me at all), will be very scary to show.

Thank you for the reply.

He mostly just showed me his deep side. I suppose because we met online, and because I'm INFJ - people tend to be deep with us and it confuses them, if it's not natural for them. We were very close, and he always contacted me when things got really bad, emotionally, for him. He told me the deepest things, but not all the everyday things. He didn't share his sunnier side with me - he shared that with others, instead.

I think he came to me for the soul-seeking stuff. The only problem was, I wanted it all - the everyday man, and the vulnerable man. I think he didn't understand how to share the everyday stuff with me. When we finally met in person, it was just weird. He was so friendly and lightheaded with all the people we came across together... but with me he was always much more serious.