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There are many aspects to self. How do you define "being yourself"? Perhaps you are being yourself around friends, and the 'self" you are thinking of is an ideal, but not a reality? I used to feel like i was never myself, until I realized that the way i am around other people is an aspect of myself-my persona.
Of course, you can work on yourself to become this ideal:)
Hope this helps.
 

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Remember that there are many aspects to self. Maybe the way you are around friends is "being yourself," albeit only part of your greater self. I used to feel similarly around people, until i realized that the way i am around people is who I am to some extent. Is it possible that this "self" you expect yourself to be is an ideal and not a reality? That happened to me.
On a psotive note, you can always work on yourself to become the 'self' you want to be:)

Hope this helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I agree it does take very special person to for me to be myself around, but I haven't met a single person yet I can do that with.

I try to do this with people I am in relationship with, but usually doesn't work and when I do open up or try to be myself it usually blows up in my face. In a relationship I find that I am usually really insecure and need security constantly thinking about how I should act. As a man and as the person boyfriend. So I am constantly worrying not exposing my true feeling for them and acting like I am colder than I am. Just not be hurt in the long run. So so much for being myself with them.

I think I act like myself to a certain point around close friendships and close relationships but I never really open up and I find I cannot be the way I am with myself around anyone, not even close. I feel more like I am building so many walls that I feel like I can't never let them down. I cannot seem to get over this.
 

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I agree it does take very special person to for me to be myself around, but I haven't met a single person yet I can do that with.

I try to do this with people I am in relationship with, but usually doesn't work and when I do open up or try to be myself it usually blows up in my face. In a relationship I find that I am usually really insecure and need security constantly thinking about how I should act. As a man and as the person boyfriend. So I am constantly worrying not exposing my true feeling for them and acting like I am colder than I am. Just not be hurt in the long run. So so much for being myself with them.

I think I act like myself to a certain point around close friendships and close relationships but I never really open up and I find I cannot be the way I am with myself around anyone, not even close. I feel more like I am building so many walls that I feel like I can't never let them down. I cannot seem to get over this.
Sometimes the right thing can be the wrong thing.

and teh wrong thing is the right thing.

other times we are all correct and all perfect.

I find the second mindset is harder to show or be as people are searching for it rather than knowing it.

I am not sure if this is going to help you or not but my heart goes out to you. it really does.
i almost want to cry right now. I hope you feel better soon. just feeling better takes away so much of the pain, finding love does as well. creating your own world or living in a world that is familiar also helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sometimes the right thing can be the wrong thing.

and teh wrong thing is the right thing.

other times we are all correct and all perfect.

I find the second mindset is harder to show or be as people are searching for it rather than knowing it.

I am not sure if this is going to help you or not but my heart goes out to you. it really does.
i almost want to cry right now. I hope you feel better soon. just feeling better takes away so much of the pain, finding love does as well. creating your own world or living in a world that is familiar also helps.




Thanks a lot. Knowing there are people like me in this forum helps. Knowing that if look at some threads and see these similar issues that other INFJs are having releases some of the grossness that i happen to be going through. Knowing other people like us communicating also puts life in perspective and lets me know I am not alone in the world. :proud:
 

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i often feel not myself with those around me.....but as said above, i have realized that those parts of me that people see - ARE me.

It may not be worthwhile to allow everyone to see every part of you......there is some self protection in not allowing all parts of you present with everyone......and it makes you interesting and surprising for those that want to get deeper in knowing you.

you should see yourself as an endlessly fascinating gift.....you can be unwrapped many times over and still be a surprise.
:crazy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I can only try to be more open but that is definitely harder then sounds. Because I don't feel like I can trust anyone I know with any information. Although they tell me a lot about themselves Its just that I know how are they are with other people and I refuse to be victim of there gossiping and it getting around even slightly.


I just do not feel right about it.
 

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Yes, I am even more aware of this lately, and there are times when I get a really SICK feeling in my stomach when i feel like i spend a lot of time with one of my masks on and a persona people expect of me.
it's better to be yourself and find the people who will love that you.
nothing else matters.

I can only try to be more open but that is definitely harder then sounds. Because I don't feel like I can trust anyone I know with any information. Although they tell me a lot about themselves Its just that I know how are they are with other people and I refuse to be victim of there gossiping and it getting around even slightly.


I just do not feel right about it.
it's better to be yourself and find the people who will love that you.
nothing else matters.


being yourself is finding that comfort and having that, whatever that means to you.
 

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I 'measure' people by how much pressure I feel interacting with them. This pressure is caused by me mirroring their personality in order to accommodate them. If I feel too much pressure in their presence it wears me out and I try not to associate with them. It is not an INFJ thing - everybody does it, picks their friends and builds their own social circle, accepting some, rejecting others. There is not a single person who would get along with everybody and never has to wear any mask. If you surround yourself with 'low-pressure' people you will feel best in their company. 'High-pressure' people need to be politely rejected/avoided. Work is probably one exception but even so if you hate your boss/co-workers and feel drained all the time may be it is time to look for new workplace.

INFJs are very conscious of themselves. We do a lot of introspection often with goal of trying conform and please others, sometimes for a more philosophical reason. In the end we end up digging up all kinds of stuff in our subconscious and then feeling like we can never achieve our ideal. With this mountain of shortcomings, how you can ever overcome all of this? Yet if you observe other people they go around doing very same things that you do, but they are not as conscious of their shortcomings. They don't sit there, think about it for hours, analyze and dissect themselves, consult all kinds of books on psychology to check if they are fitting in, trying to achieve an ideal that would please everybody. They just go about their life, achieving their goals. Every day I see other people putting on masks for each other, yet it is INFJs who concern about it so much. Makes us naturally good at being psychologists but it can also lead you the wrong path, towards feeling like you are inadequate can never lead a content life.

I can only try to be more open but that is definitely harder then sounds. Because I don't feel like I can trust anyone I know with any information. Although they tell me a lot about themselves Its just that I know how are they are with other people and I refuse to be victim of there gossiping and it getting around even slightly. I just do not feel right about it.
It is their business if they talk a lot about themselves to you. It was their choice. Do not feel indebted to reciprocate. Separate information you can share with others without any danger. There is usually some kind of reasonable information you can disclose about yourself. May be it is something meaningless, like telling others that you have an allergy to mangos, but it is still a bit of self-disclosure. When people meet they talk about weather for a reason. Nobody wants to disclose and then have that information be used against them. So keep it on surface-to-medium depth level. There are very few people out there who will understand you and who can be fully trusted. This is just a fact of life, not just for INFJs but for everybody.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well I do open up, but it is typically very little. People always say that I have this way of pulling things out of them. I mean I'm really not doing anything, but then when they wanna know stuff about me I tell them, but more like whats my favorite song or how many siblings I have, but nothing ever to in-depth.

Maybe it is because I think they can judge me and I can't trust that they're not going to.
 

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Having had information about something in my background used against me to turn me down for a job that I had applied for makes me very careful now about what information I disclose.
 

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I'll reveal things about my outer shell, if I can relate to what their saying I might share some experiences or outlooks but never anything about my 'Self'. Online I find it easy however.
 

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I often feel like getting away starting fresh and letting my real self come out.

Do you guys feel that way?
not only have I felt it but I have done it several times - I moved 4 times in the past seven years, for studies/work and also to live with my now ex-bf - every place I experienced a sort of relief of being able to start things anew

but nowhere can you really show your real self - only relief comes if you figure out what you like and dislike and actually manipulate environment to fit your needs rather than keep running away from it, i.e. given the material learn to create own happiness - seems very difficult, but always running gets tiring and you can really only afford it at younger age when you have no kids or family
 

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not only have I felt it but I have done it several times - I moved 4 times in the past seven years, for studies/work and also to live with my now ex-bf - every place I experienced a sort of relief of being able to start things anew

but nowhere can you really show your real self - only relief comes if you figure out what you like and dislike and actually manipulate environment to fit your needs rather than keep running away from it, i.e. given the material learn to create own happiness - seems very difficult, but always running gets tiring and you can really only afford it at younger age when you have no kids or family
Very well said, Ive moved well over a dozen times, and while I like the relief, it get's lonely. I now have almost no material and emotional attachments. If I choose to, and I probably will, I will be able to move around with relative ease-then I can.......I don't know....does anyone have an idea what I should do? Maybe I should start a thread?
 
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