Not pursuing relationships, fear of hurting the other person.

I suppose I can relate, in a way.

If I was to be in a relationship I know that I would be very distant, emotionally speaking. I wouldn't mind if she opened up to me, but I'm inevitably going to have a hard time opening up to her (if I even do). I've just had such a hard time trusting people over the past few years, and I've noticed that I tend to keep people at a safe distance, so to speak. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around anyone anymore and it would not be fair to her to have to tolerate that.

mrgreendots said:

I keep finding myself in situations where things somehow don't work out and the other person gets hurt which makes me feel awful (maybe I'm just easy to guilt-trip..). Now I find myself shying away from people I really like out of fear of having them grow attached to me and then somehow get hurt when things don't work out (I say when instead of if because I have horrible luck).
Am I nuts, or can anybody else relate to this fear?
I figured only INFPs would overthink things to this degree and actually take themselves seriously.

Click to expand...

Because I have difficulties setting healthy boundaries and safe distances in relationships I gave up on dating for now. I've hurt or disappointed my share of people. Either by being too cold or by having too much zeal, and eventually changing my mind as I don't like being tied down. I don't see that as overthinking, but as prevention of hurt feelings. As long as I'm unable to project myself in a healthy relationship I won't pursue or let myself be pursued.

This is a really good post and question. I want to hear from more people who have this sentiment, too. I've never really understood it, myself, though. The closest I can come is really irrational thinking due to weird events:

Growing up, a lot of my friends died. For a while I wondered if I was somehow "making" them die. I'm talking teenage years.
Also, for some reason, people come to me when they have psychotic breaks. For a while I worried that I was somehow "making" them crazy. This ended maybe around early 20s?

I do know someone who can relate because he used to say this to me sometimes - that he didn't want to hurt me or something. I never really knew what he meant, but maybe @hornpipe2 can help expand on this idea or at least relate to what you're saying and explain how he went from being of that mind to not being of that mind.

IMO the cure for this is to be as authentic as possible. If you put everything out there to a partner, as early as possible, then you couldn't surprise them with your indecision / brokenness / crippling addiction to sniffing stinky cheese / etc later. It's their own fault for choosing to join up with you, knowing full well what they were getting themselves into.

Which explains why I used to have this feeling in college, but now that I am out and have a steady family / job / home / etc. and ten more years of life experience, it doesn't bug me so much. I am much more stable and more direct. So I don't unexpectedly hurt people as often.

Well, all that AND your level of self-esteem. If you feel like you're unlovable, then you'll assume that others would feel the same about your faults. Try reversing the situation: if you found out they were XYZ, could you recover?

mrgreendots said:

(maybe I'm just easy to guilt-trip..)

Click to expand...

That could be too : )

---

edit: don't want to sound like I'm analyzing you - this is me speaking of my own experiences mainly

hornpipe2 said:

IMO the cure for this is to be as authentic as possible. If you put everything out there to a partner, as early as possible, then you couldn't surprise them with your ...

Click to expand...

I think there's something to this actually. While I don't currently meet the diagnostic criteria for it because I'm treated, I do have MDD if I don't take my medicine. So, one of the first things I say straight up to someone who I would date would be, "I have Major Depressive Disorder. Sometimes I can slip into a bad place and need a medication adjustment, but for the most part, I'm good." (Or something to that effect). It might be surprising to some people, but the people who are interested in having a serious relationship should understand. It's similar to discussions couples might have before having sex, like preferred method of birth control or whatever it is they talk about (hehe).

But seriously, if this isn't your style, definitely don't force it. I do agree, though. I think it would be unfair to say I don't have any reserves about getting involved with someone, but the reserves that I do have (what if I mess it up? What if I do something X?) are lessoned a great deal by being as up front as possible.

For the past 13 years I pushed every romantic possibility away because I was an alcoholic mess living behind a SJ mask and didn't want women to deal with my shit. Know that I am recovering and accepting myself totally, I want a partner. Trouble is I feel like I hobbled myself and have no clue as to how I actually go about getting into a romance. Shit, I don't even know how I got into them in the past. Hahaha.

@mrgreendots thanks for this thread.

Ald52OnMyTonguePleas said:

Trouble is I feel like I hobbled myself and have no clue as to how I actually go about getting into a romance. Shit, I don't even know how I got into them in the past. Hahaha.

Click to expand...

If it helps, I have no clue how it happens either. I think you just have to participate or hang out in groups for an extended period of time. You have greater chances of picking up dirt if you're rolling around in it... (Can you tell I'm cynical?)
I don't think most people know how it works unless they're interested in picking up short term flings. Then they learn to pick up people and probably also get a lot of practice.

Yeah I've thought similar things too. Same kind of thing like what @brightflashes said too, since I also have depression. I'm not sure how much of it is fear based because I had an ex who kind of turned that around on me when I was depressed, and how much of it is genuinely hey listen, I don't want to hurt you but I know how I can get kind of a thing.

A lot of it is just being in the same place mentally and emotionally as the other person, too. I've ended things and I've let things go that I could have pursued because I knew that one or both of us weren't in the right place to pursue a relationship. Fucking sucks when it happens, and it takes a lot of strength, and it's like putting down a dog, except with a dog you've already experienced everything you can. I guess maybe a better example would be aborting a child.