[curious0610]

do you guys relate to this? i've had times where i found myself in confrontational situations, and I stupidly decided not to stand up for myself. i dont know if this was a conscious decision though... i think i instinctively became focused on creating harmony/alleviating the negative emotions, which basically ended up with me stepping over my own self to do so. and years later in life, i remember this, and i start feeling like an idiot, thinking "UH WHY did you do that.....?" =( i had a crappy day today so that's one of the issues that came up. and i guess i get upset about this because i feel like i never got to stand up for myself or have others my side of the story. and then i feel more crappy..

 

[alice144]

Yes, definitely, I am just beginning to correct this now, although it is difficult to learn just how to properly set boundaries.

My problem has been (at least very recently) that there are so many people who want to take advantage of me, or who just want a piece of my time and attention that I just can't find the energy to deal with them all. Like, not to pay attention to them, but rather to put them back properly where I want them to be, if that makes sense. It's hard being so introverted... dealing with so many people gets really draining.

But yeah, for most of my life I was basically a big pushover.

 

[soul searcher]

That has been a huge issue with me. I feel like a betray myself in order to keep peace all the time. I've done this to the extreme on occasion. I became victim of sexual harrassment mostly because I couldn't stand up for myself, and was hoping he would be sensitive enough to see that I was not interested. Wrong. I've allowed mainly men to walk all over me my whole life, which has done a lot of emotional damage. I would love to learn to be more assertive and less of a doormat.

 

[vel]

I continue being a pushover for the most part because like alice says it is very difficult to see where to set boundaries. Seems like damned if you do damned if you don't. INFJ's Fe and Ti are close to each other. Fe wants outer harmony so if you put down another person it makes you feel guilty. Ti wants you as individual to be competitive. So once you retract from the situation introverted thinking gets engaged and you internally criticize yourself for not being confrontational enough. It is a never-ending cycle.

And in addition to having Fe and Ti close to each other on cognitive ladder, constantly grappling with each other, you're also an intuitive and an introvert and probably don't always have words to explain yourself clearly or social skill required. Even if you try to do it, Fe puts up quite a show and floods you with emotions that make you appear quite irrational to others while you are trying to explain yourself to them :crazy:

What I find myself doing is trying to sort situations where confrontation is meaningful vs situations where it is not meaningful. And situations where it was not meaningful I just don't bother thinking about really because I think it is waste of time, thought, and emotion to get stuck on those. There are people out there who will try to pick a fight with you over nothing. Over thin air and non-existent pixels on your screen. So this brings the number of such situations that you have to criticize yourself over down to a few relevant ones.

Next step I think is developing better competitive, confrontational speaking ability. I think most INFJs would hate being in a debate class and abhor going to interviews. Yet this is precisely the kind of mental training that we require. Not everyone can take a debate class, however, so outside of that I think one can practice by trying to clearly express yourself to your close friends. People sometimes criticize us for not opening up and being distant, even friends and our partners. It is not that we do it on purpose, we just really suck at it. But if one cannot open up speak clearly about one's inner thoughts and feeling even one's friends and romantic partner then how do we expect to be able to express them in a high pressure situation? So in summary I think practicing verbal (not written) self-expression is really what many INFJs need, especially where you have to debate something with somebody. So basically instead of sitting here posting on forums we all need to get out and speak with people more lol :crazy:

 

[GreenCoyote]

apparently when we fall in love we find someone who accepts us no matter what the boundaries... wea re free to yell or get upset knowing that they are just gonna take it.

lol... I await that day with open arms.

 

[Karot]

According to me it has to do with having learned a wrong defensive mechanism. Or relying too much on "ignoring so it will just go a way". Sadly enough I have found out it's not the case. In some cases we have to really send people away and face reality that not all people have equally good intentions. Like I feel it when someone has bad intentions but somehow I refuse too accept it.
My own fear of rejection (or need for acceptance) interferes with my ability to reject others.

On another side, it's difficult to fully judge a situation by one self. It always helps to talk to someone to have clearer insights. Our intuition might give us clues, but it still needs confirmation to be strengthened and act upon.

 

[soul searcher]

Like I feel it when someone has bad intentions but somehow I refuse too accept it.

That's what it is for me too. It's hard for me to accept that someone could really be all that bad.